[kris_aka_kyrie]

I am just 18years old and I just found my Bmom (Deanna) two weeks ago. It a crazy story it took me and my aunt about an hour to find and talk to my birth mom. I couldn’t believe that some people it takes years but it was only one hour!! I am so over whelmed and I have tried to talk to my friends about everything but they don’t seem to get it. I want to talk to my amom about everything but I don’t know how to approach the subject I don’t want to hurt my amom at all. I couldn’t do that to her, how would I talk to her with out hurting her feeling or feel that I am pushing away from her? My bmom told me that she would bye me a plain ticket to see her and I really want to but I didn’t want to go unless my amom says that I can go. So I asked her if I could go and she said that I could but she wants to go with me. I can understand why she wants to, but I just want to do this by myself I want to react how I want to react. I don’t want to have to worry that I hurt my mom if I gave Deanna a hug or something. I have two moms now and I don’t want to lose either or them. I never really understood how much of an emotional roller costar this is. I get it now! Does anyone have any advice for me on how to talk to my mom, how do I tell her that I just want to do this myself with out hurting her??

[josh1788smom]

I wish I had some advice to offer you. I am very happy for you. You are very blessed. Your amom may have some issue with it, but it is her issue not yours. You sound like whatever you say to her will be heartfelt and genuine, and that is really all you can do. She needs to understand it is your time, and likely she will support you. If she is hurt, it is not anything you did, it is lots of pain of this whole situation. Hopefully, you will not feel like you have to choose between them. I know that is how my son feels. His amom has put him in the position of having to show his loyalty to her. I hate that for anyone. Have a heart to heart with your mom. She may be sad, but it is nothing you did. I'm sure she is happy for you on some level. Just be honest with her. Best of luck to you.

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by kris_aka_kyrie

I am just 18years old and I just found my Bmom (Deanna) two weeks ago. It a crazy story it took me and my aunt about an hour to find and talk to my birth mom. I couldn’t believe that some people it takes years but it was only one hour!! I am so over whelmed and I have tried to talk to my friends about everything but they don’t seem to get it. I want to talk to my amom about everything but I don’t know how to approach the subject I don’t want to hurt my amom at all. I couldn’t do that to her, how would I talk to her with out hurting her feeling or feel that I am pushing away from her? My bmom told me that she would bye me a plain ticket to see her and I really want to but I didn’t want to go unless my amom says that I can go. So I asked her if I could go and she said that I could but she wants to go with me. I can understand why she wants to, but I just want to do this by myself I want to react how I want to react. I don’t want to have to worry that I hurt my mom if I gave Deanna a hug or something. I have two moms now and I don’t want to lose either or them. I never really understood how much of an emotional roller costar this is. I get it now! Does anyone have any advice for me on how to talk to my mom, how do I tell her that I just want to do this myself with out hurting her??

i think you need to just be honest with your amom. Tell her that you need to do this by yourself and that you will take pictures/video etc so she can be a part of the reunion.....

i think your amom is concerned for your safety...have you ever flown by yourself on a plane before? how far is your birthmom from you?

something tells me shes concerned for your safety and also she is curious too about the birthmom......


but if and when i reunite with my birthdaughter i wouldnt want adoptive parents there either......so i understand how your feeling....

you are an adult now not a minor and thats something your amom needs to understand.....reassure her you will be ok and that you need to do this by yourself....

[kris_aka_kyrie]

Has anyone felt rejected after they hang up with their Bmom? I have this fear that I did or said something wrong that made her hang up on me. Also that she is not going to want to talk to me anymore. Maybe in just being parinoied?

[kakuehl]

Did she hang up on you? Sometimes bmoms are so emotional they just can't talk. Can you say a little more about what happened?

I think it's normal to feel a little down after you hang up. We all tend to worry about how the other person feels about us, and whether we said the right thing in the right way! Recognise that you are at the very beginning of your relaionship with your bmom. You don't know each other very well yet. Try not to read too much into every event. Not being your mom, I can't promise, but as a bmom I can't imagine NOT wanting to talking to D again, no matter what he said!

Have you talked to you amom yet? D's amom is very important to him (she's his mom!); she was tentative about me being part of D's life but it's gotten easier. Both D and I are clear that I'm not taking over her place in his life (I just like having my own!). Just keep letting your amom know that she is and always will be your Mom. (Some amoms feel like they've become glorified baby-sitters and don't have a place in their child's life after the bmom is in the picture. It doesn't sound like that's going to be true for you!) I do encourage you to tell her as soon as possible so it doesn't become a secret; my experience is - the longer you wait, the harder it is to tell her.

You're right, it is an emotional roller coaster - just re-read your first two posts! There are many of us here who are on similar rides. We do understand what's happening to you! We support each other, so welcome!

[zxczxcasdasd]

She probably wants to go with you because she wants to be a part of it with you and wants to support you. It may also be a little out of fear of the unknown...if she's there with you, she doesn't have to wonder about what's happening.

But it's your choice.

You could tell your mom that you feel capable of doing this first visit on your own and maybe she can come with you on a subsequent visit? Or if it goes well, maybe you could invite her out to your hometown and she can meet your family and see more of your life?

Graciousness works. Even with moms who can be a little smothering, the bottom line is they usually want to feel appreciated. So tell her how much you appreciate her support for you meeting your bmom and how much it means to you that she would offer to come with you and how generous and caring it was to offer that. Then tell her that what you really need is for her to trust you to do it on your own and to be waiting with her best mom hugs when you get home.

Don't get drawn into a debate about "reasons" for her to come or to stay. Just stick with what you feel: you need her to trust you enough to let you do this alone and you need her waiting with mom-hugs and mother-love when you get home.

[patti Daniels]

I am an adoptive mom and I went with my 17 year old daughter to meet her bmom. She asked me to go and it helped me. I was reassured by my daughter that she would never stop loving me and I would always be her mom. When we arrived at the airport and her bmom was standing at the end of the stairs, my daughter whispered please do not leave me right away. I reassured her I would not leave until she asked me to go. The bmom drove to the hotel where I had reserved a room and we went to the room together. I brought photo albums and our daughter's baby book. She looked at the pictures with tears in her eyes. After a few hours the bmom stated that they needed to leave. My daughter hugged me and whispered I love you and thank you. I stayed in a hotel and my daughter spent a week with the bmom and half brother and half sister. I am not going to tell you that I did not cry. I did cry as I visited tourist spots and wondered how her visit was going and wondered if she would love her more than she loved me. I know that is selfish, but that is what I was feeling. The bmom called one morning and asked to meet me and I have coffee at a coffee shop. We met and we talked. I was not worried anymore. I am glad that we visited and I am glad my daughter asked me to go. The last day of her visit we stayed together and visited all night in a hotel room. We talked all night. Tears flowed at the airport when our daughter had to leave. My heart went out to the bmom that had missed so much of her daughter's life. My heart went out to the brother and sister that missed their sister's life. My heart thanked God for the bmom and the choice she made to give her baby life. I looked at the birthmom as we walked away and she will always have a special place in my heart. She is a gift from God. I am glad my daughter asked me to share this moment with her.

[BabsCanada]

Kris / Kyrie, you have embarked on a journey!

I am a-mom in an open adoption, so not much in common with your situation, but ...

I am stabbed with maternal fear when I think of my dd flying for the first time, alone ...
Have you flown by yourself before? Travelled much alone before?

You said yourself "I'm just 18" ...

Any chance birthmom would come visit you in your hometown? Book into a hotel? (Shouldn't be much more costly than her paying to fly you to where she lives)

Your mom would be close by, and maybe more willing to let you meet birthmom alone.

Not near as scary as sending 'my baby' to do all this on her own.

A compromise maybe?!

I know, I'm not walking in your shoes and I'm not walking in your mom's either.

I think you have valid reasons to want to do this on your own, and I think she has valid reasons to fear it, maybe it's largely concerns about your safety and less of her fear of reunion.

A compromise maybe?!

Babs

[BabsCanada]

Would you be comfortable with your mom joining these forums?
What an awesome place to get advice, opinions, the voices of experience ...
She may need to get some insight into what she's feeling.
On the other hand! if you choose not to share this site! and I'd understand that! I hope YOU get lots of good advice, opinions, voices of experience!
Good luck,
Babs

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by BabsCanada

Kris / Kyrie, you have embarked on a journey!

I am a-mom in an open adoption, so not much in common with your situation, but ...

I am stabbed with maternal fear when I think of my dd flying for the first time, alone ...
Have you flown by yourself before? Travelled much alone before?

You said yourself "I'm just 18" ...

Any chance birthmom would come visit you in your hometown? Book into a hotel? (Shouldn't be much more costly than her paying to fly you to where she lives)

Your mom would be close by, and maybe more willing to let you meet birthmom alone.

Not near as scary as sending 'my baby' to do all this on her own.

A compromise maybe?!

I know, I'm not walking in your shoes and I'm not walking in your mom's either.

I think you have valid reasons to want to do this on your own, and I think she has valid reasons to fear it, maybe it's largely concerns about your safety and less of her fear of reunion.

A compromise maybe?!

Babs

Babs,

That was my thought, why doesn't bmom fly up to her. As ana doptee I don't think I would have flown anywhere to meet stranges...not being cruel but it is a fact and as a mother of teens and young adults I would be real hesitant about them doing it themselves.

I really beleive there needs to be compromise here.

Kris, I do understand you wanting to meet her alone. As much as I love my mom I would not wanted her there when meeting my birthmom.but she was the first one I went to AFTER the fact, as a matter of fact she watched my 2 little boys as it was happening. I was 29, alot older then you and would have been uncomfortable flying anywhere to meet her.

[kris_aka_kyrie]

I have talked with my parents and they are letting my fly over to see her by myself for a 7 day week!! Im soo excited. I told them that my bmom was willing to pay the whole thing and they said that they would split it with her..Im glad this is going soo well...but its almost to good to be true..you know too easy. I am just waiting for this whole thing to come crashing down on top of me.

[kris_aka_kyrie]

Is it too early to tell my birthmom that I do love her..dont get me wrong i love my parents too but i have always loved her I want to tell her and i know that I should but is it too early in the relationship to say I love you to her..she has said them to me and i thought them back i just never said them...do you think it is too early?

[kakuehl]

I think you would thrill your birthmom if you said that to her.

My bson and I have been in reunion for 14 months and are very comfortable but he has never said those words. Needless to say I would love to hear them. I have always loved him! (Of course he had no way of really knowing that.)

It sounds like your aparents are being both generous and trusting. Just keep letting them know that they are your parents and your love them and appreciate their support as you begin this journey of discovery.

I firmly believe that reunion can enrich all of our lives! (That doesn't mean it's not a scary ride sometimes!)

[PastorStephanie]

kris aka kyrie, I don't think that it is too early to say I love you- if that is how you feel. Especially if she has already expressed how she feels towards you in those regards. It seems to me that she is reaching out to you and if you are comfortable with that and you feel love towards her- say the words. My bmom and I have say I love you, every time we hang up the phone. Something as simple as ending a conversation with that gives me confidence in her commitment to our relationship.

I am thrilled to hear that you were able to communicate honestly with your aparents! That is so awesome! As others have already encouraged you to do, keep them in the loop and express tons of appreciation and love towards them even as you establish this new relationship with your bmom. It is really important that they know that you still need them and want them around- in word and action. It sounds like you are off to a great start in this respect!

[kris_aka_kyrie]

I am going out to meet my bmom in March. I am excided and yet scared at the same time. My other mom (bmom) called me going to see her; a homecomming. I can see why she did it and but thats not my home. I dont know why this bothers me, maybe its because I think she is trying to replace my mom. She said that she would never do that to me, I belive her. I want to know where I fit in this family..it kinda seems that I am a bit of an outsider, but I want to fit in so badly. I dont want to pull away from them because it would be too painful for me to know that I let them all down. Im not the person that they wanted.

Thank to everyone that has responded so far you have all been so helpful, and kind!!
Kristi