[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by cnb1099

I decided to bump this thread up. I am now a year and a half into a reunion which has been, trying and emotional, and totally exasperating to say the least. My "advice" to myslef when I started this thread was that I needed to be patient because the outcome was worth the wait...now I am starting to have my doubts.

Anyone have any comforting words of wisdom for me?

Hi Beth,
Yes, I would like to offer some comforting words for you. I am a bmother 1½ years into reunion and I am at the stage you describe. I have been volcanic in the past few weeks and I think others on this forum have calmed me down. Reunion has got to be the most abnormal thing for any human being to fathom with so little information and counselling (that should be free by the way) to help us through it. Everyone's situation is so unique, as every person involved in reunion is also unique, so that makes it doubly hard, as one persons experience may work and another it may not.

Patience has never been my middle name and boy have I had to learn it, but I do think that Kune has it right when she says don't second guess - ASK. Patience is one thing, but moving on a stage is entirely another. Patience alone is not enough for reunion. There has to be openness and that takes courage, not everyone can lay it on the line and say "this is how I feel". Obviously it has to be worded right, and any anger needs to be worked through before reunion, or if not, has to go through an adoption counsellor. Destructive emotions that need to come out can destroy any reunion, as everyone needs to know what each side is going through IMHO.

I think the Adoption Reunion Survival Guide is great for listing qualities that we need to practise (I say practise 'cos no-one is going to get it right first time). She also mentions ignorance and insensitivity - not particularly nice to be on the receiving end of, can stumble and terminate reunion as its too overwhelming. ah here it is, page 5 "regardless of what you absorb from these pages, one message will remain consistent throughout. Enter your reunion with caution, compassion, responsibility, and patience. If you exercise these four principles then you will know that you have entered your reunion honorably, regardless of its outcome". She points out that there is also stages of grief to work through. It dawned on me that we may be alive, but my son and I have had to acknowledge our grieving together for the lost years... then moved on. Each person may not be able to reach the same stage, so the reunion has to go at the pace of the slowest. When you think of it, walking in a mountain is the same for the safety of the person at the back. Its no good tearing ahead and realising that you've left someone behind....?

Also the book mentions the unexpected emotions. I have had some from contacting my father. This has sidelined my emotions and made my reunion with my son very difficult as I struggle to cope with the feelings and unresolved emotions that my father has. On page 58 Bailey & Giddens mention the post honeymoon period - says:

As the relationship moves out of its honeymoon phase, you may be overwrought with emotions. You may even feel that its your fault that the other person has reduced the frequency of contact. In the post honeymoon phase, participants frequently try to second guess what the other person is thinking and feeling (see Kune's posts on this - she advises ask outright, take the guessing out of it). Likewise you need to appreciate what you've been able to accomplish in the relationship. And like a typical family, sometimes there is frequent contact and other times there is distance and pause. As you realise that that freuqency in contact has nothing to do with the love you feel and/or receive, you will move through this stage of emotional conflict and finally feel comfortable in your relationship.

I think expectations too are hard to deal with. After 19 months now into reunion, I sooooo want to meet my son again, but his defense mechanisms are getting in the way. Does any of this touch you in any way?

I think an adoptee needs to have their feelings validated and yet maybe are too scared to tell their moms how they really feel. So much tentative stuff. How do you feel? Do you feel your bmom understands your pain, your suffering, your frustration with her or yourself or both?

My son has exasperated me to the n'th degree and it can work the other way around for an adoptee like yourself. You say that you have founded your ability to come through reunion on patience, but can you express yourself as to what you are in fact frustrated with at the minute? That sure would help me to give some encouragement to you. This post will express some feelings, but based on very limited information about you as a person and how you have found reunion to date?

I sometimes think it would be good to have a section for each forum member where we can leave a general overview for ourselves, so for example, you'd find under Jannyroo - bmom x months into reunion and a small profile to set the scene? If any administrator is reading this, would that be possible? As reading posts can be so time consuming as well as exhausting emotionally. There is only so much we can take on board, reach a saturation level.

I think that for any adoptee and bmom, the problem is with wanting to be who you really are, anger, frustrations, good sides and bad sides of our personalities and all, rather than what you think is expected of you. I think this rings far more true for adoptees who have struggled with their identity and have played the chameleon within their adoptive families (if one accepts what Nancy Verrier says) and the false self.

For a bmother, she will be frightened of saying anything that will push their child away now that they have been reunited. For an adoptee, they have anger inside them and frustration of wanting to bond with their bmother with defense mechanisms in the way. So many brick walls to work through and so many things in the way. Its hardly surprising that some reunions fail, I've felt the same way from time to time. I've just sent an email to my son to say how disappointed I was not to hear from him since my being in A&E (hospital). I've asked him outright that I would like to receive x, y, z from him. I've told him that I'm about to blow the roof with frustration. Obviously this could send him off for another pullback, but I have to have some confidence at this stage that he can take this aspect of my personality - I'm explosive with frustrated emotion. How would you feel if you expressed yourself this way. Are you an emotional or quieter person? Forthright or retiring? Is your bmom like you? Oh I feel for you, its so hard to get to this stage, because as my son gets to trust me and feel more for me, he pulls back more and that sends me into downward spiral. Whilst he's in regular contact with me (say once per 2 weeks) I can be all that he needs from me. I'm settled and can be the mom he wants. But when the pullbacks or perhaps it should be called emotional re-evaluation time is needed - oh! that is soooo hard, and I go to pieces.

It must be hard for an adoptee to come to terms with reunion when they are not sure who they are, where they get their mannerisms, thoughts, attitudes from.
Beth, what books have your read if any? Have you had your feelings validated by your bmother? Do you know where those feelings come from and why? Have you read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier? So many thousands of adoptees have reported back how much she understands what they are going through. Do you understand what reunion means for your bmother? So many questions, sorry, I so want to leave something here for you so that you feel encouraged.

Who are you in touch with on this forum? The reason I ask this, is because I have had some VERY valuable info from e.g. FauxGina as to how adoptees feel, I also am in touch privately (i.e PM's and personal emails) with adoptive mom's and also other bmom's. It gives me a perspective that helps me judge the situation with my own son, but I also apologise to him when I feel I've got it wrong, got too heavy, etc. Anything that goes wrong can be repaired you know,as we are all dealing with imperfect people that so want the relationship to work, but can get sidelined by other events in their lives????

I hope this will prompt you to respond or you can PM me, I would love to be able to encourage you. I have so much to say, but limited time.

Take care
(((Hugs)))) remember this could be the plateau phase - equivalent of the reunion doldrums. No wind blowing, not going anywhere - or so it seems. We've had a lifetime apart and we all expect to be able to get it together in less than 2 years. Whilst understandable, its not achievable. Too many emotions, complex. The most successful reunions I've been told are those that take things slowly.... are things going too slowly for you Beth? Let me know. Be assured that we have enough depth and breadth on these forums, there is bound to be someone who can say something that will help.... (((hugs))) and some
Jannyroo

[cnb1099]

Janny- thank you. You have put some things in a different light for me today. As far as J and where things stand. In a nutshell, yes I have told her in no uncertain terms how I feel and that I encourage and revel in any form of contact. Therein lies the frustration. There is so very little. I started with calling her whenever I could (east coast versus CMT) and would forever ger her answering machine, whom I have fondly come to call "Armando". I figured that any inanimate object that I have shared so much time with should of course have a name. Then it went to me asking her specific times to call. I would call and there was my ever faithful..Armando. So I would write. No reponse. I would email...AH HAH...she would email back.. One line emails (she was, in her defense at work and had no access to a personal computer) saying I will call you this weekend...baited breath and all I waited. Nothing. So I would call her....and there again Armando.

So my frustration lies in the very core of the fact that I have no contact at all. Even when our relationship first began, she told me she was writing me this "long letter" to tell me about her and her family...so I waited and begged and asked and pleaded for it. And it came finally. And it was a short biography style letter. I was so very disappointed. I was really hoping for at least a little gush, a little something. I don't know.

I have made many friends here and spoken with so many wonderful people and picked up such insight that has gotten me this far without pulling out every last strand of hair in my head...and I treasure that. And I cherish thoughts and encouragement from every aspect of the triad.

I have not read too much..I started the Primal Wound but quickly put it down. I cannot say that I have ever felt "wounded" in my history of my adoption. I know I should but I tend to become so overly analytical and put way too much thought into it and become paranoid....I am weird and I accept that...

But I appreciate what you have said, and what you have offered. I will also use the opportunity to pm you...and I hope vice versa...

[kakuehl]

Hi Beth,

As you know our experiences with reunion have been different. D & I have been in reunion for 2 years now, it remains a comfortable relationship with not a lot of deep sharing. Very rarely are we alone together. His wife and I IM almost daily (she usually initiates). D has said I can call any time, but I know how busy he is and I hate to interrupt. Luckily we live comparatively close and I do get the opportunity to attend family gatherings. (What's a 6 hour trip for a 2 hour gathering after all!) If I am invited, I will do my best to attend. One side effect is that I've gotten to know his (a)parents better.

Good as the relationship is, there is still pain for me (I can't say about D because he doesn't talk about his feelings). I love having a relationship with him and getting to watch his children grow up but there is a part of me that mourns what I missed. Since reunion it's also become more apparent to me how much placing him for adoption has affected all the relationships in my life: husband, children, etc.

Beth, I don't know how your bmom has dealt with her experience of birth and adoption. I can't speak for her, but there are birth mothers who have recognised that they are suffering from PTSD. They are amazed and confused because an event they have longed for (and thought would be wonderful) has brought out a lot of feelings they didn't expect. I have no clue if that's happening with J, btw, just that it's a possiblity.

BTW, I have learned that if I want to talk to my (widowed) father, I need to call him around 10pm. Any other time of the day and I'm likely to get his answering machine. (Occasionally, he goes away and forgets to let us know...)

[SuddenlySusan]

... I guess that's the only thing I can offer, Beth.

Tomorrow isn't here, yet... so, keep hope alive.

Love,
Susan

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by cnb1099

As far as J and where things stand. In a nutshell, yes I have told her in no uncertain terms how I feel and that I encourage and revel in any form of contact.

Therein lies the frustration. There is so very little.

I started with calling her whenever I could (east coast versus CMT) and would forever ger her answering machine

Then it went to me asking her specific times to call.

So I would write. No reponse. I would email...AH HAH...she would email back.. One line emails (she was, in her defense at work and had no access to a personal computer)

saying I will call you this weekend...baited breath and all I waited.

Nothing. So I would call her....and there again Armando.

she told me she was writing me this "long letter" to tell me about her and her family...so I waited and begged and asked and pleaded for it. And it came finally. And it was a short biography style letter. I was so very disappointed.

I was really hoping for at least a little gush, a little something. I don't know.

I have not read too much..I started the Primal Wound but quickly put it down. I cannot say that I have ever felt "wounded" in my history of my adoption.

.I am weird and I accept that...

HI Beth,
Its nearly 2am over here, so please bear with me, I've already made one mistake on a thread, thinking the guy was the bfather and he's not, he's a concerned afather! oops.

The first things that leap out of me from what you have written is perhaps the intensity and your choice of communication.

Now I have to say at this point that there is no way I want to hurt you, and please forgive me if there is anything I say that causes you to feel hurt. But to be informed as gently as possible, this is what I "see" and you may need to tell me more if I'm getting it wrong due to that lack of information. I hope that is ok with you? I hope it is ok to ask you the following:

What did you say to your bmother that you told her in "no uncertain terms"? To me that sounds a little aggressive. Do you think you have anger that you may have directed at your bmother. I am picking up on some and perhaps your bmom did too?

Is there anything that your bmom did or say that caused you to feel hurt? Doesn't matter how insignificant.

You said that you encouraged her and that you revel in any contact. That seems to be at odds with you told her in no uncertain terms. If she had told you how she felt, how do you think you'd be feeling at this moment in time? How do you think it would affect your ability to keep in contact? What do you think you would say back to her? Can you see where I am going with this?

I met an adoptee who took her bmother at her word when she said "ask me anything you like" - but what she asked so very early on in reunion was such a difficult question, it took my breath away just reading it (being a bmom myself). She began to realise that it was too much too soon. I too have suffered from a son that gave me the heavy stuff right from the word go and it nearly blew me out of the water. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for the strength of my personality, strength of the setup I had in place when contact was first made, I don't think I would have made it through the first fence.

Oh to see ourselves as others see us. Search your heart and ask yourself, is there anything you could have said that made it difficult for your bmom when she is coping with so very much herself? (as outlined in the Adoption Reunion guide - I can't see that I've included it, so I will include it here and continue after it..)

p138
birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.

If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell.

Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...

Continued//...
So now reading this, can you see how much could possibly be going through your bmothers life? Add to that any other stuff that could be going on, e.g. relationships (is she married/divorced?) does she have other children? Is she single, executive, busy? Do others in her life have any negative responses to your being in her life???

I have to say that with my son, his promises to phone on a specific day are wasted breath as far as I am concerned. I have gotten used to the fact it rarely happens when he says. There is no malice or lack of wanting to get involved, but thats just him. He just doesn't get his act together. I have tried to get him to stick to certain days and times, but it just doesn't work. So I would encourage you to adjust to that.

I heard the expression that the definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing and expect a different result!!! I so think that you need to change tack on what you have tried so far. For example, how often actually is it that you have tried contacting your bmother? Every day/week/month? For some in reunion, the pace has to be very very slow indeed. e.g. an acquaintance found her bmother, but would only write to her once every 3 months. The bmom was astute and realised what her daughter needed, so did the same. It was 3 years before they had their first face to face and it is a reunion that has turned out very successful.

So my next question is, is your pace too forcible, is it at a pace that doesn't allow your bmom more time to get her head around things?

Are you aware of the stages of reunion and how your bmom fits into that pattern as well as yourself? If you haven't received it, PM me and I will send it to you down the PM system.

As for reading The Primal Wound, it doesn't fit everyone. But as you yourself have indicated, you are a bit 'weird' you say. When my son in one of his first letters wrote "you don't know what you are letting yourself in for" the abject panic that I had some nutter on my hands really scared me. It took quite some time for that little joke on his part for me to realise that he actually was as bad as he joked !!!! He has been a nightmare in some respects, but I will add again, he scared the living daylights out of me, and yet I was the one that wanted the most contact. He tried to keep up with me, but in the end, we had to come to some understanding as to who should set the pace and in our case, it was him.

I hope these thoughts help you in assessing your situation Beth. My son started off thinking he could let me know everything about him straight away, because I was his mom and I would understand. He needed to get to grips with the fact that reality and his fantasy of me would not match his expectations, that we were in fact strangers that were starting on a brand new relationship and that it needed to go slowly, very slowly.

Once the confidence was back on track (from my point of view) then we could start having the kind of telephone conversations that built us both up. But be warned, we also had some arguments and explosions that led either of us to put the phone down on each other, but that to me showed how similar we are. Do you detect any similarities in your behaviour in your mom? Have you perhaps come across as too weird do you think, before she really has gotten to know you?

I hope its ok to write this, I sincerely want to help you to get things on a track that would be more satisfying for you and I don't know how to do so until I can go through these points with you.

(((hugs)))) jannyroo

[Mil]

Hi cnb - I know a year and a half seems like a long time, but in all honesty, I think as far as reunions goes, your reunion is still in it's infancy. You're probably still tiptoeing around each other, being on your best behavior. I remember having a knot in my stomach everytime I saw or talked to my son for several years. And that's in a very good and open reunion. There's just so many overwhelming emotions going on and so many adjustments that you can hardly believe you're actually going to survive it all! There were times I was sure I was going to have a heart attack from all the stress. Or at the very least an ulcer, lol. My life was almost surreal. I could hardly believe it was MY LIFE! I don't know if that makes any sense, but at times it seemed like I was on the outside looking at all this unfold and was just amazed that I was surviving! What truly helped us was email. I was married w/ teenagers and he was married with toddlers. So the only way to communicate privately was mostly through email. And we pretty much had a running conversation for 2 years. I don't think we EVER would have gotten to know each other so well had we not had that luxury. Also, after about the first 6 months, we scheduled a lunch about once every 2 months and we each drove about an hour to meet for lunch which would last for several hours and it was just him and me. He would tell me about his parents or things that happened to him when he was younger and I could just sit and stare at his handsome face. Sometimes I'd be looking really hard at his features, deciding where they came from and which ones came from my family. We've discussed that between us, but it's hard to admit that I don't remember that much about his birthfather. We dated for several months when I was 18 and I haven't seen him since. And trust me, my memory wasn't too good after 27 yrs. But building a relationship take lots of time. Lots and lots. And with limited communication, it will take even longer. I'm surprised you HAVEN'T pulled your hair out by now! But maybe she just needs time. I still have many of the emails my son & I exchanged the first 2 yrs. and I cherish them. It's now been 6 yrs. since we met and while things have settled down quite a bit, there are still times when I get that knot in my stomach when I'm unsure of a situation with him.

But guess what? We're getting our 'family' picture taken in about 2 weeks! How cool is that? I asked him last year about this time if him and my grandsons could come for pictures with us and he said 'sure' with no hesitation. But with the busy-ness of the holidays, I couldn't get an appointment and we didn't get it done. So on the 18th we're getting photos done. I'm so happy that he was so easy about it. I'm excited!

I wish you all the luck in the world - I hope things start progressing and you get the contact you want.

(Reading back, I still feel like I'm the luckiest person alive!)

[Blessed2x.]

Jan,

You have such good points for the adoptee to consider in a reunion. It's so hard to wait, but slow and steady seems the way to go. What I am struggling with is how to wait gracefully..? I still don't know what to do with all these emotions- how to live peacefully with whatever the directions things go? It seems unhealthy for me to be so consumed long term...I have my own little ones that I need to be emotionally complete for and present for. Any thoughts, anyone?

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Blessed2x.

Jan,

You have such good points for the adoptee to consider in a reunion. It's so hard to wait, but slow and steady seems the way to go. What I am struggling with is how to wait gracefully..? I still don't know what to do with all these emotions- how to live peacefully with whatever the directions things go? It seems unhealthy for me to be so consumed long term...I have my own little ones that I need to be emotionally complete for and present for. Any thoughts, anyone?

Hi, I can relate to the struggling to wait gracefully, as I am 'consumed' at the minute with 'waiting' and I think I am full throttle 'venting' on these forums!! It seems to have taken over my life!! But I think that is key to the answer - your life. Somehow (and this can be so hard without a doubt) we have to get on with life as if that person we are in reunion with isn't there.

Trying to find that On/Off switch just isn't easy. I, like everyone else, get on the roller coaster and when its on an up, its intoxicating and when its on a down, its a wretch of a place to be. There doesn't seem to be any inbetween in this roller coaster of reunion, not in my experience, or if there is, it doesn't last long!!

I think what helps, is to be able to put yourself in the other persons shoes. It kinda takes some of the heat off, but not all. Reading about adoption issues (for me, Adoption Reunion Survival Guide & Nancy Verrier's 2 books are all I need I find) has some 'relief' up to a point, but one can also get to saturation point, where you have to put the books down and get on with whatever you were doing.....

I think a new change of hobby, or something new in your life helps. NEW to me are 2 pet rats, and I'm delighted with them. I also have a possible franchise on optimum nutrition I'm looking into at the end of the month. I am more alive in other ways, by organising things, taking people out (some old and can't walk) - you know, whatever kind of stuff works for you???

You are right, it IS unhealthy to be consumed long term, but unfortunately, it is a TSUNAMI and no-one expects anyone to carry on as if nothing has happened. Things, I've been told, do calm down. I now openly get annoyed with my son, so that has to be a good point in our reunion, its getting more 'normal' and I think its good to check out those that are successful in reunion and are 'there' the place where you and I want to be. Kune is one I can think of immediately.

I think if you have little ones, then I would imagine that its hard to have time to yourself to think. How you do this, I leave to you, but if you could get some think time to yourself without the demands of others being made on you, go to a stream or lake with a couple of friends and have someone babysit? Give yourself some "you" time, something like that? I know that when I go for a walk in the countryside and have some 'me' time, that helps me refresh my brain and realise that there's more to life than shopping at Tescos', getting caught in the traffic..... (made me think of getting caught in the rain, pina colada.... !!!LOL).

I did the most ridiculous thing yesterday, but I don't care, I kicked through all the autumn leaves as I walked along - loadsa them! 51 now and acting like a child! Ha! It was joyous. So perhaps, if you have little ones, bring some fun into life? Reunion IS without a doubt intense, so somehow, whatever works for you, bring some fun and laughter into things and perhaps that will help. I know I love watching the Three Fugitives with Nick Nolte and Martin Short - guarantees to touch my heart and make it swell and laugh at the same time. Anyone else have any ideas to bring some fun and laughter in our lives??? Perhaps I should start a thread....!!! Fred!! Oh dear, forgive me....LOL (((hugs))) my thoughts are with you!! Yes its frustrating, but if its cold & windy outside come in and vent on the forums... and have a hot chocolate with lots of cream and chocolate bits on it.....

[cnb1099]

To all that have responded...a big THANK YOU!!! Jannyroo-You did not hurt me or my feelings at all...I take every thing with a grain of salt. To repond to your post...OK..my no uncertain terms comment...explanation: I have told her in every conversation that I was so very thrilled that she found me, that I look forward to having her be a part of my life in whatever way she would like. I have sent photos of me and my kids, made her a scrapbook for our face to face with all the tidbits of my life that I thought would be of interest to her. I had no problem opening myself and my life and my family to her.

I can say with total and complete honesty that I have no anger towards J at all. I have always known that I was adopted, have always known the "story" behind why I was adopted (J was youngm not married, living on her own, her mother had passed when she was 13) and I always felt blessed to have the family I had. And so when I got the email from J and her brother (the only other person that knows if my existance) I was scared of course, but also overjoyed to meet this woman that I had thanked so many times in my prayers.

Our face to face was easy going, light, pleasant. not really a bonding moment but very very nice.

Could I take it if she told me? Honestly...yes. Short insight into my life over the past 5 years: My dad was diagnosed with cancer shortly after the birth of my oldest son. He had the rads and beat it. 2 years later he went into the hospital with what he thought was pneumonia and ended up with a quad bypass and aorta valve replacement. He went into a semi coma, had several surgeries thereafter, he was dieing, we were asked to sign a DNR...had an emergency surgery that saved his life, two weeks later coded and had to be resucitated, and then a few days later threw a clot that almost killed him yet again. Fast forward to tday. My dad is home and healthy (after a 5 month stay in the ICU) and has a very thankful family...

What I took away from that experience is that when life hands you something, you take that as a gift and you run with it. Because you never know when tomorrow might not be here...and that is how I approached my reunion. That somewhere the powerws that be decided to put this "gift" on my life path and so I wanted to take it and make it the most that I could.


Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

This passage really hit home for me. With the exception of the fact that I did not contact her, she and her nrother contacted me...But i do believe that if you live this "lie" for a long enough time that it becomes the truth to a certain extent.

J is divorced, and yes she works and has a very large family. So I get the fact that she had a life before she found me and that her life continues now that she knows me. But I get this :

What I am struggling with is how to wait gracefully..?

I am not good at the patience and waiting thing I guess. And that it my own issue that I need to learn to deal with.

I guess because I relished this reunion with such an openess and with open arms, that I hoped in my heart that she would be able to do the same. What I need to remember and try to uinderstand, is that my adoption has never been a closed or taboo subject to anyone in my life....but my life has been a closed and taboo subject in hers...Therefore she will process things differently.

It just seems so unnerving to me that at 38 years of age I feel like such a child exploring this reunion. I want what I want and I want it now, kwim? And a year and a half feels like a lifetime!!! I think timewise, I look at it with the view of my dads illness...that I don't want to not say what I want and know the things I want to know, and experience this "gift" because what if there was not a "later" to do so? And it is very hard for me to get past that.


But Susans post....I will keep reading that when I get discouraged! Thank you!!!!


As far as similarities between J and I? Physically there is a lot..but our personalities are polar opposite. She is very laid back and I am very ...well..not is the best thing I can say. As far as the weird thing...I just meant that I am probably weird in that I am one of the few here that have not fully read the Primal Wound...but I am sure that I have my weird moments too. Did I caome across that way to J? I do not think so, as I have spent so much time just trying to catch a glimpse into her world and taking in what I can that there is not much time left for anything else!

But you all have given me quite a bit of food for thought for my weekend.

[BrockBaby]

CNB...reunions are so hard to figure out, eh?! There are so many what ifs, and perhaps this, and maybe thats that it can drive the most calm person over the edge...I really feel for you!!! I am not sure about you, but I am the type of personality that can deal with the "truth" it's the not knowing that drives me up a wall. I know I am the kind that wants to KNOW, I hate having to second guess myself and situations. Is there anyway that you can ask her what she wants, or does the thought of what the answer may be frighten you. (because even though I say I LIKE KNOWING...sometimes I stall, because I'm not always ready for the truth, make sense!?!?) Or maybe you could tell Armando to tell her that you would like to know what's going on..and she could just have him tell you the next time you called!?!?! Just a thought!

There have been a lot of great things said that gives everyone things to think about...enjoy your weekend, and do something nice just for you, because you are worth it!!!!