[eronzani]

Hopefully someone can help... here is my story... I've always known I was adopted and it never bothered me. My freshman year in college one day I decided to see if I could find my bmom and I did. We began talking on the phone.. things seemed fine and we got along great right away. I visited her soon after. I always had to visit her for some reason she never came to me. I feel like I did most of the work and I feel like I should not have but I did. So that was in sept sometime. My bday is in nov. Soon after my bmom get pregnant for the first time. Things were good I was excited to have a bsister. She and her husband even asked me to be the godmother. I was asked to be at the delivery the next summer and I was. This is when things started to go badly... I never knew how I felt about some things until I was standing there in the same hospital I was born in watching my bmom talk about how perfect her new baby was... my first thoughts were why wasn't I perfect? Why didn't you want me? The next few days she didn't really want me around.. I was staying with her mom. I told her mom how i was feeling and she tried to help me. After the birth of the new baby suddenly my bmom had no time to talk to me.. maybe that is selfish but she had time to talk to everyone else... soon the calls started to stop... i wrote her and email about how i was feeling and she responded by telling me it was selfish to feel like that. Then after a while in feb. things between us got pretty bad. I had asked her if she would be home one weekend b/c i was going to be in the area and i got a email response saying sorry but they had plans maybe she could catch me another time. So I asked her mom if she knew what they were doing and my bmom got upset about that. She called me and yelled at me for talking to her mom about her. Then we talked things out. The next day I check my email and there is an email saying she can't have me in her life anymore. She blamed me for her life being how it was apparently she said she had a bad life after she gave me up and having this new baby is her only chance to be a mom. Which mad me mad b/c it was HER choice to not be my mom not mine. I responded really badly to this and gave her a piece of my mind which was really mean. Mean emails were exchanged her mom even called me and said I was a lowlife who didn't deserve to be in their family... My bmom told her mom that if she had contact with me she would stop talking to her so I haven't talked to anyone in her family since. I have never been so hurt by what someone has said to me. I don't I deserve to be treated that way by anyone especailly a family who was so hurt by giving me up supposedly. After that incindent I don't believe anything they have ever said to me. After that I cried almost everday and I had a really hard time. I didn't do well that semester in school... I am in college so I drink and evertime I did i would always end up crying about it. So then summer came and I started to get over it... so I thought until about a month ago when it all came back for no reason. I am guess because my bday is this friday so it reminds me of it? I don't know. I feel like it shouldn't hurt anymore and I really want it to stop. I don't understand if it hurt so much to give me away why would you do it again? I completely resent her now... I just don't know why she would do that to me... I made so much effort to see her and get to know her to be shut out... not only shut out but blamed for things which were not my fault. I want her to feel all my pain as much as I do which is why I probably responded to her email in such a mean way. I hate feeling this way because I have no one to talk to because no on knows anything about feelings of adopted people. I don't know how to move on from this. In my opinion it was bad enough she gave me away the first time and said it hurt so much and then did it again. I just dont understand if anyone has some advice or anything please let me know. THanks.

[Jackiejdajda]

I think it is okay to be angry with her.. I think it probably is healthy..
What happened to you was wrong.. as wrong as it can get..

I can remember when I had my daughter ten years after giving my son up for adoption. I had a very difficult time in the hospital.. and having my bson there would have been beyond difficult.. and I may have hurt him..
I am so sorry this is happening to you.. I hate to say it but your story is fairly common.. pulling together after such a separation is beyond difficult..
Are you okay with your adoptive parents?

Jackie

[eronzani]

My relationship with my adoptive parents is really good. I've always been really close with my mom and I am beginning to get closer to my dad. It is hard to talk to them about this because I don't want them to feel badly about it, they were worried I would get hurt when I decided to look for my bparents.

I understand that it was difficult for her to be there and I probably should not have been because it would have made things easier for us all. But she is the one who asked me to be there I'm sure not knowing how hard it would be... I just don't think that it was a reasonable excuse for how she acted.

[heartbeat]

I just don't think that it was a reasonable excuse for how she acted.

There is no excuse for how she treated you. There may be reasons or explanations which someone who's objective could understand, but explanations don't make something ok.

It sounds like she's unloading all of her negative feelings about her life onto you. Then she doesn't have to take any responsibility for her actions, her bad choices. When you're in her life, you're a constant reminder of the pain of giving up her first child, as well as a reminder of how she's treated you.

You don't need anyone's permission to hate her, even your own. Feelings just are. They don't have any morals, they don't know the difference between right and wrong. Whatever you feel is whatever you feel. In 5 minutes or 2 hours or tomorrow you'll feel something else - like ocean waves coming in and going back out, only to come in again.

I'm really glad you have a good relationship with your a-folks. I suspect that they know you're hurting and either guess at the reason or just don't know. I imagine they wish so much that they could fix it for you and stop the pain, and may be hoping that soon you'll turn to them for comfort. I hope you do, too.

Sending you positive energy,

heartbeat

[josh1788smom]

I just wanted to send my support to you. I would love to have a relationship with my son. I cannot imagine bringing him in and losing him again, but I can't understand a lot of things that happen. My supportive thoughts are with you. Best of luck to you.

[thediva320]

I also want to give you my support. Don't ever doubt your feelings. You have the right to feel whatever you want to feel about anything or anyone. You don't have to justify that to anyone. I understand your anger and ur hurt. And that is okay I think. Especially given how she treated you. I learned, thru my reunion, that bmom's and/or bdad's handle their situations very differently. And that some project what happened onto other people rather than taking the responsibility for themselves. And it's probably much easier to blame u than to admit to herself that the choices SHE made were HER choices. I think that you have every right to hate her, every right to be angry with her, every right to feel whatever you feel. I do suggest though, working thru ur anger and pain, for urself. I'm not saying just let it go, because I know how hard that is. But realize that you are not to blame for ur bmom's choices. Know that in your heart. And take care of yourself. Good luck!!

[purplehaze_85]

You have the feeling you have you can't help that. My story is much differant. I have been trying for many years to find my bmom. The place where my parents got me has been helping me find at least my bmom. Back in 2000 I got a call (at work no less) that they think they have found her, but wanted me to write a letter why I wanted to find her so I did. I e-mail it to my cass worker and she past it along to her. They also sent some kind of form to her to acept or decline them to give me her info...she did nothing so that gave me hope. But about 1 year ago I got another call from my cass worker (this time I was at a clients house, thank god it was my best friend) stating that my bmom want them and me to stop. This is what she said and I quote..."I have received all of your letter. Do not contact me again. No discussion". My heart was ripped out and stomped on again. I turned 40 this last Oct and my birthday is always hard for me it always was...just wondering if she remember bla bla bla...

Now I love my adopted family but they just don't understand. My mom cried when I told her I wanted to find her. And my dad (who I love but have NO respect for) said I was an "ungreatfull *****". So I got it from both ends. I just need someone to talk to about it and I hope any of you can help me feel maybe just a little better.

Thanks for listening

[dmca]

You have a right to be a angry. Sounds like ( from your post) that you both went overboard and said some mean things.
No matter what happens,I don't recommend hatred.
Hatred , IMO, is the worst most destructive emotion that humans feel.
The person doing the hatred, can ( and usually does) cause physical harm to themselves. Acid in the stomach for instance. Just to name one thing.
Here's the kicker, while you are hating the other person, that person does not experience that hatred. In other words, the other person is going about life, doing whatever and is not even aware that you are doing the hating.
So, why bother hating? It won't harm the other person but could potentially harm you. Plus the longer you dwell on the hatred, the less time you have to be happy doing something else.
Be angry, write it out in a journal,write a letter to your natal mother ( but DON'T send it) , whatever you have to do to release the anger, but, please, for your own sake, don't bother with the hatred.
Big hugs
dmca

[purplehaze_85]

How about that I am just really mad at her. I have a right to know. I just don't understand how I can be so loving and understanding and she is not. I guess I have taken allot after my adopted family. Because they are all very loving (well most of them) and understanding. I se all these other people who have great reunions with their b/parents. I want that I want to know!!!!!!

[eronzani]

I don't "hate" her.. I highly dislike her and wish I never met her because the fantasy I had of her was sooo much better than the reality. It feels stronger and better to say hate... mad and angry are used so often that they lack meaning... it just makes me feel better, i wish she knew how much pain she caused me and how angry I am with her so instead I take that out on other people because it does no good to be mad when she doesn't know. I wonder if she knows I am still so mad at her? I keep wondering what the right thing to do is.. my birthday is coming on friday and I know I'm gonna be pissed if she doesn't send a card but I'm also going to be pissed if she does because she doesn't deserve to acknowledge my birthday. It sucks, she told me that ever since she gave me away my birthday has made her depressed until I came back.. who would of thought that it would leave me depressed for my birthday?

[Jan18]

I am sorry you are going through this. One thought came to my mind as I was reading your first post. I was wondering if your heated discussion with your mom happened while she could have been in the post partum part of her recovery. This was a very emotional time for me after the birth of my daughter, with a lot of highs and lows. My hormones were crazy and I was an emotional wreck. Not that this is any excuse of your mom to have treated you the way she did, but just a thought.

I am sure she was not only dealing with caring for a baby for the first time, but also thinking tons of "what ifs" as far as you.

I can't believe how emotional it was for you to be in the room when your mom gave birth to your sibling. I don't know if I could have done it!

You and your mom are young. Time does heal wounds. I suggest you go speak to a professional about your feelings. Talking to someone who isn't involved in the situation can help. I went to a therapist of the first time after I found my b-family.

Try to do something fun on your birthday. I suggest without the "drink"! I know I stayed away from bars and the night life for a while after I was newly reunioned with my family. I was going through so many emotions that I knew drinking was not a good idea.

[Slatond10]

I am an adoptive mother... but your post really touched my heart. I am so sorry that you had to deal with this. The birth of the bsister probably left every - one w/ mixed strong emotions. There is no excuse for how your bmother responded to you though.

It is a shame that this happy event could not have brought you all together closer. Your feelings and emotions were all very normal and should have been allowed to be discussed. If you are to be the godmother to the bsister... I think you need to try to find a positive way to be a part of her life if you want to be.

Take some time to get through your hurt and allow bmom to adjust to motherhood and try again. Don't give up if you want this relationship. And you would not be this hurt if you did not want it.

ALL RELATIONSHIPS have tough times... I will be praying you find away out of your anger and to a happer place and relationship all the way around you.

I know you Amom would hurt for you but it may be time to unload a little on her and let her be there with open arms to comfort you. I know I would want my DD to come to me. It would break my heart to know anyone esp bmom hurt her that much but I would gladly hold her and help guide her through the anger.

Again I am so sorry you ever had to experience this and no excuse makes it better...

[eronzani]

As i wondered if she would send me a card, my mom brought it to me on sunday... She sent me a bday card... I can not tell you the relief I felt to know she still cares. Now I have no idea what to do... what to say in my thank you note... The problem and the reason I am so upset is because I do want a relationship with her, she wasn't all bad and I miss her and most of all I am missing out on and opportunity to see my half sister grow up. Her mom also called my house to talk to me, she thought I'd be home for my birthday, I wasn't so she talked to my mom, she said she brags to people about how much she thinks my parents have done such a good job... that is hard to believe considering that she said to me that she thought I wasn't worthy to be in her family. I really don't want her calling or having any contact with her. I can't believe she thought I would speak to her if she called. She must have alot of nerve to call. I really don't want contact with my bmom's family, I wouldn't mind contact with her though... I mean not as much as we did and I don't want to talk to her husband because he doesn't like me and I don't like him... I just wonder if it will ever work out.

[banjo]

eronzani, as a birthmother I can tell you there is nothing like having more children to remind you about the loss of a birthchild. Oh my, everyday I look at my children and there is a reminder that I have missed out on my bdaughter's first smile, she will never call me mom, she will never run to me when she's hurt etc...all those small but very important things. My bdaughter says that my kept children are not her sibs and is angry that I have told them they have a bsister. She doesn't want a relationship with them. This has been very upsetting for me but since I wanted to maintain my relationship with my bdaughter I accepted that she has every right to feel how she feels and I don't talk about my children when we meet up. But our relationship has deteriorated this year because she has put up so many barriers around our relationship. I found the negative stuff about how she felt about my husband, children etc just too much - ya know? I know she has a right to these feelings but to be honest I don't want to hear it anymore. I can't make it better for her and it just makes me feel depressed when in fact my life is great after having to deal with years of grief and loss over the adoption. Yes, It was my decision and I take full responsibility for it. I have appologised to her about it. I don't think what has happened is abandoning you again more like a need to take a breather from a very emtionally charged relationship.

I think if you want to have a relationship with her then a good way to get over this bad patch would be to probably start emailing again but just light stuff. Perhaps email her a thanks for your bday card and tell her what you did that day.

Reunion is extremely difficult and my relationship with my bdaughter is the most dysfunctional one in my life. That is why it has broken down - I had to pull back to protect my mental health. Perhaps a brake is not a bad thing?

[eronzani]

I don't think a break is a bad thing but that doesn't mean that what happened between us hurts any less. I can't help how I feel, I just want to know that she has been hurting as much as me but I doubt she has. I want to a part of her daughters life, she is my god daughter. I am a part of my bdad's kids life in fact all of his family, and we are totally fine... I just don't know why me and my bmom are not... well her mom instigated the whole thing by telling me things about my bmom's personal life and about her husband that changed my view of them dramatically and I wish she would have never told me. The problem with her husband is that he didn't respect that I had my own family, he used to refer to my bmom as my mom and i hated that because it is disrespectful to my real mom because she is my mom, my bmom is not, she didn't stay up at night with me, she didn't hug me when I cried, to be honest she doesn't deserve that title from me. I think she understood that but he didn't. When I would go visit them he would always want me to stay longer, one time I was supposed to go shopping with my mom later that day so I had to leave and he told me to call her and tell her I wanted to stay there she would understand and I just thought that was the most rude comment ever. It was just small things like that that made me not like him, my family comes before my bfamily no matter what and he didn't respect that I had a mom and a dad and a brother and grandparents. It was really annoying and really hurt me. I think those are good reasons for not liking he not to mention my bgrandmother told me he didn't like and thought I was a spoiled brat. So what is there to like about that? As I see it, nothing. I really hope me and my bmom could become friends again but I can't have a relationship with the rest of their family because it is like dealing with my friends in high school the way they all tell me things and talk about eachother. That is what caused the problem in the first place.