[SallyLF]

Greetings everyone! Just thought I"d pop in here with an update. Bmom and I have spoken 4 times since the initial call, and she is getting more paranoid rather than less about someone finding out about me. Her fears are really irrational. When I suggested she call ME instead of vice versa she replied "But what if someone else answers your phone?" I told her even if they knew she was my biological mother they wouldn't know where she is or what her name is. (we live in different states!) Then she said "What if I'm sick or have died and someone is here in my house and you call?" I told her I would just say I'd try again, or that I must have the wrong number". I reminded her that no one ever knew she was pregnant and that I thought it unlikely that anyone, at this point, upon hearing a strange voice on the phone would say "Hmmmm, I'll bet *** had a BABY 50 years ago, and this is HER!!" I have tried so hard to reassure her that I would do nothing to jeopardize what she is allowing us to have now, and that she really needs to trust me. She told me she'd decided that the next time I called she was going to be really cold to me, but then admitted that it didn't work, she couldn't go through with it. She told me in some small way me finding her has made things a little better for her, but also worse. Her anxiety is high. She is even dreaming about me, that she poured out her fear of discovery to me in her dream. She said the dream was so real she almost thought it had really happened when she first woke up.

Oh, I feel so bad for the trauma she is experiencing upon me finding her! And I have to admit there is part of me that doesn't like being this dirty little secret, yet I understand it too so don't really take it personally. Let's just say it isn't going to affect my self esteem even though there are moments of what feels a little like resentment flickering through my mind on occasion. I asked her what she thought would happen if people knew about me, considering how there is very little stigma in this day and age about unwed mothers. She said "They just wouldn't know what to think of me."

I think the fact that she has NO ONE to talk to about this is really hurting her. A therapist might do wonders, but I think her shame is too strong to ever talk to anyone about.

When we talk the conversation is good, as if we're long lost friends. I can tell she gets something out of it also. But I was hoping that her fear would lessen instead of grow and I have a hard time imagining her softening at this point. I told her it was hard for me not being able to send her things and she said she knew what I meant but that this is how it has to be. I mean seriously, the scenarios she comes up with that will lead to the discovery of her past are borderline ridiculous. It's like she thinks I am the only adopted person in the world and all roads lead to her.

I am just keepin on keepin on, staying steady, reassuring her that I would do nothing to jeopardize this phone relationship she is allowing us to have and that she has to trust me, that I have nothing but her best interests at heart. So we'll see I guess. It is hard for something to grow w/o air, light or water, and that's a bit what this feels like to me. Still, being able to wish her a merry christmas was a real treat for me. Funny how these "little things" are such a lot.

Not a very exciting update, but it is another facet of my experience, another tale from Adoption City.

Happy holidays everyone!! Big hugs to all of you!!!
xoxo
SLF

[InionGrinn]

Wow. Isn't it amazing how terribly powerful Shame is???

Oh, I feel so bad for the trauma she is experiencing upon me finding her! And I have to admit there is part of me that doesn't like being this dirty little secret, yet I understand it too so don't really take it personally.

I hear ya! Isn't it awful to know they're going through such anxiety and not 'really' be able to help? I have this situation with my bmom too, part of me totally understands why I'm a secret, the other part of me is a little irked by it. But I am resolved to support her, no matter how long it takes (yah...check back in with me in a year when she still hasn't let the cat out of the bag ). I don't want to support "Secretkeeping" or whatever, but I want her to take her time, just as I took my time in feeling out this whole adoption thing. I know you must feel the same way, and want to help her, but don't know how.

I wish i had wisdom in this area. I'm guessing things will progress slowly here. Did you say she had other children or a husband?

I asked her what she thought would happen if people knew about me, considering how there is very little stigma in this day and age about unwed mothers. She said "They just wouldn't know what to think of me."

Interesting. It sounds like SHE has to work out who she is and be comfortable with that before she can even dream of letting others know. Tough one.

Thanks for checking in! That's great that you've spoken 4 times...I hope things continue to get better, and keep letting us know!

[SallyLF]

InionGrinn-nice to hear from you.
How old is your bmother? Mine is 70, (says she feels 50) is widowed, and lives alone. Never had any other kids, but does have family in the area. Yeah, it's a real shame that I have myriad cousins that I likely will never meet. I think if I were a 70 yr old widow and a "love child" popped out of the blue I would have a heyday shocking all my friends with the news. Bmom does not strike me as uptight, this shame of hers almost seems contrary to the salty personality.

I think perhaps if she were younger it wouldn't be so hard for her,the shame might not be so huge. And the fact that she was NOT looking for me is a huge factor in that she never entertained the idea of meeting me so there was no psychological preparation, even in the form of fantasy.

One thing I've noticed is that I now catch myself in crowds looking for that familiar face, something that had become a subconscious habit I was no longer aware of doing. Now when I start to think 'maybe that's her' the immediate thought is 'None of these people are Her' (or a sister, or relative of any kind). I hadn't realized how MUCH I was constantly on the lookout for familiarity.

Since she WASN'T looking for me I will continue, for now, to be the caller. I have a sort of love and patience for this woman and her process, and I really want to meet her, if only once, so I am willing to hang in there with that goal in mind. And though she is kind to me, and friendly enough, there is no question that I am an intrusion of sorts and it could get painful to never be more than tolerated and never embraced, even if in secret. I can feel my self-protective walls coming up. I get mixed signals from her, and I am hanging my hat on those. I am doing a careful dance to the rythm of her kindess and tolerance of me, and will just try not to step on her toes. So, like you, I will wait. Try not to hope for too much, or too little. Just keep putting that Connection Mojo out into the universe!

(Hmmm, guess I've found my words again, huh?). I just want to add that NOTHING could disappoint me now, no matter what happens with our relationship, like I was disappointed when she first denied me. Really, I was devastated, almost felt damaged inside when that happened, after I'd searched for 25 years. I physically felt crushed after that phone call. So I've honestly come to see that what I wanted most upon finding my biomom was information about mySelf, acknowledgement that I didn't just appear on this planet out of thin air, and I have gotten that. And it feels good.

[kune]

I don't think you are an unwanted intrusion. I truly believe that even though she is saying the words, in her heart of hearts she knows that next week, or the week after, this relationship will grow - it will change and she knows that to be part of it, she needs to change too.

I hope she somehow finds the strength to forgive herself and "out" her secret. She has no idea how healing and cleansing it is to be honest about the past. It makes the future so much easier.

Love and blessings to you Sally

I have a sort of love and patience for this woman and her process, and I really want to meet her, if only once, so I am willing to hang in there with that goal in mind.

Wow.....Great goal setting at this time. Focus on it, know that you are taking it one step at a time but each step brings you closer to what you are trying to attain...and be really proud of yourself. You are conducting your part of this reunion with compassion and respect.

Regards Ann

[kakuehl]

Sally, I've been following your story and I'm glad your bmom finally admitted you had the right person.

As Inion says, Shame is very powerful. I thinks it's also true that the longer a secret is kept, the harder it is to talk about it.

I am 55 and found my 34 year old birthson last year. Although I hid my pregnacy to a great extent, people did know I was pregnant...most of them just pretended not to notice! I forget if your bgrandparents knew. One of the hardest things for me was knowing how I'd hurt and disappointed my parents. Think how deep the shame goes if she never trusted her husband(s?) to tell him/them about you. (My DH and I rarely talked about D but after the reunion he told me that he'd always expected D to call on the phone one day or just arrive at the door.)

I know it's incredibly hard, but keep on loving. You are in my prayers.

[irisheyes33]

Sally, it was great to see you post...I'd been wondering how things are going. It sounds to me like things are progressing for your birthmom...slowly and painfully, yes, but positively. You seem to have a very healthy outlook as well...and it must be SO tough sometimes, getting those mixed signals. I got those from my birthmom at first too, and much of it was her trying to protect herself - she said she had to fight the desire to become "too clingy" and thus became almost distant for a bit. Hang in there. I really think your birthmom is coming along just fine.

I had to giggle about the looking for resemblances in others comment - to this day, even after being in reunion for a year and a half and having multiple face to face meetings, I still lurch whenever I see someone that looks like my birthmom...the same haircut or whatever...it makes me crazy. Or I go through the "I know now that it's not her, but a couple years ago I might have thought..." Strange, isn't it?

I really hope that face to face meeting happens one day...if I were in Vegas, I gotta say I'd lay money down in your favor As you said, keep on keepin on!

[SallyLF]

You all are so great.
Yeah, isn't it ironic that when she was most open - saying "you can call ME mother! You can come see me!" as I was hanging up the phone at the end of our first conversation - was also when she was saying she was not the person I was looking for! Now if I could just get these "two" women together...

Her shame must be tremendous, to have NEVER spoken of my birth to anyone, (until now) including her parents, who didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labor, and then none of them spoke of it after the fact. At ALL. I was "Emergency Bowel Surgery". Hey, I am waiting for my OBC, I wonder if THAT will be the original name listed?

[sal]

I think I'm a firm believer in "things happen for a reason"... my baby bbrother has said that repeatedly since I found them all.... it usually comes up when I'm whining about the fact that I wish I hadn't waited so long... or fretting about what I missed out on... and when he tells me that (again)... I have to take pause and concentrate on being thankful that it DID happen... and I DO have them in my life now... and we have today and maybe tomorrow. I know how much the truth has helped me in my healing and integrating the two halves of me... (the unspoken one of the baby not born to my parents... and the child my parents raised)... we're here for your support as you negotiate your journey... good luck and keep us posted... sal

[happygmom]

Sally,

There was a wonderful series of articles in the Detroit News called "Empty arms, empty hearts". It is about the horrible shame that was forced on birthmothers during the 50s and 60s. It features real mothers who struggled for years to overcome the shame. It might help you to read it - it might help your Mom too.

I you like I will PM you the links.

Good luck and hugs,

Happy G'Ma

[SallyLF]

Happygmom - I have read The Girls Who Went Away, which was a good example of what these poor women went through. I WISH my bmother would avail herself to information pertaining to adoption issues, or counseling, or a friend even to talk this over with. She is so afraid that someone will find out about me she has asked me not to mail anything to her for fear that someone will see her mail and wonder who I am, even though she lives alone. I sent her a card with a photo of me on it and my contact info and she cut out the info and hid the card. She is afraid that she will be sick or die and someone from the family will come into her house and find these things. If it weren't for the mixed messages I think I would leave her alone with her secret. For now I am going to back off a little and give her some time to digest.

Speaking for myself I know when there is an issue affecting me I want to read all about it, explore my inner workings, discover how I REALLY feel, and why. Her generation I think leans more towards the Out of Sight Out of Mind mode of operation, that the Past Should Stay Buried. I will mention to her next time that there are lots of great books that explore the things she may be feeling inside and see how she responds. Right now I have the feeling that she wouldn't be caught dead reading a book about adoption issues because then people will put two and two together and figure out her big secret. This woman won't call my house because someone besides me might answer my phone and "then they'll figure it out". (She lives in another state,no one knows her name, it's not rational). Shame truly is a crippling thing. I wish I knew how to help her other than to just leave her be.

Thanks for your offer to help. I wish she could explore her feelings instead of running from them.

[happygmom]

Dear Sally,

Gosh, I hope things get better for you and your mother this year. I think the longer one lives a lie the harder it is to face others with the truth. I heard one birth mother say she felt like she was buried alive for most of her life. Ooooff, how sad is that?!

Your bmother is about the same age as my mom. When I called her to tell her that my single daughter was pregnant, I thought she would absolutely DIE when she realized that I was going to spill my guts about it. I'm sure she had a stiff drink after she got off the phone. I know that this is nothing like your situation but I am saying that I do understand your frustration with wanting to speak openly about issues and feelings with that generation.

Hugs -

Happy G'Ma