[cnb1099]

OK I realize that I am venting here but I am frustrated and mad. I was found by my birthfamily in May of this year. Let me repeat "they found me"! We talked, exchanged emails and a few photos. I sent my bmom a 6 page handwritten letter when I heard she was sending me a long letter, I received a 2 page note pad size letter.
We had a face to face in October which I thought went well. I did not push for any information, none was offered, more like a friendly visit. Which was great.

I have now been home for almost 2 months. In that time, I attempted to call 4 or 5 times and always get her answering machine (even after I email to verify she will be home) and for the past three weeks she has promised to call but every weekend nothing. And I even got an email that said there was no reason, she just forgot...which made me feel like crap!!! I am glad that our meeting left such an impression.

We have not spoken at all on the phone since the day I left, after this last weekend where she "promised we would talk this weekend" I have heard nothing, no email no call no nothing. I am tired of being the one who has to put forth the effort all the time. Especially now that I am starting to feel like this reunion is becoming more of an effort to her. Is this a pullback on her part? Or maybe it was too much?

I do not know but do not tell me you are going to do something and then not follow through! It irks the crud out of me. And her brother who was the person who located me has also been nonexistant. Now he has 2 young children so I can see a time crunch there, but not even a call after we had talked at least once a week at first. I was almost looking forward to my first holidays with quasi knowing my birth family ( only bmom and buncle know, my bgrandparents and her sisters and brothers she had chosen not to reveal my existance at this time) but I am feeling a scad put off.

Just want some honest opinions on how you would react? Would you continue to be "the caller"? Or would it make you feel pushy? Frustrated!!!!!

[Stormster]

Hi. Well I am one of those people who thinks actions are louder than words but in this case it may not be so simple. Is it possible that she is still absorbing everything that has happened and is just processing it more slowly than you are? Everyone has their own rhythm, their own fears...you may be more ready for consistant contact than she is. It doesn't mean she never will meet you in the middle but if I were you I'd chill and give her the space she might need. You have made your wishes known. I know it's going to be hard but maybe you can try to manage your expectations so that she CAN meet you in the middle.

I don't know, just my 2 cents.

[cnb1099]

I would normally tend to agree with you but she has been the one that keeps telling me that she wants a relationship and wants to talk to me and was referring to herself as my Dhs second MIL.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled about meeting her and I am overjoyed at having the information that I do and the opportunity that I have had. A lot of people do not get thatt much and I know I am blessed. But i just really do not want to push where I should not, but I also know that her brother keeps telling me " You need to push J to do stuff". Kind of like danged if I do and danged if I don't" .

[healingfeeling]

cnb....

i would be beyond hurt if that continued to happen to me. u know my dad kept promissing to visit and then not following through....so basically i've lost trust in him. a trust that i thought was special and now its completely gone...like "oh dad says he'll call or dad says he'll be there....but he won't" i no longer take his word for truth and that stinks. but at least i now realize it and i do NOT get upset anymore....i just get annoyed and brush it off.

it stinks doesn't it? you'd think after all these years of being apart they'd make more effort.....but it doesn't always work that way.

[kakuehl]

Hmm. Cnb, I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom for you. I've said before, the longer something is a secret, the harder it is to break the wall of silence. I've never kept D's existance a secret from everyone, but I also never announced to everyone I met. I had to take a really deep breathe to tell my congregation. (You do get used to expected negative responses.) We like to talk of the rollercoster ride of reunion, I'm hoping that this is one of the "what do I do now" times for your bmom that she will work through.

My usual counsel is to try to keep the line of communications open. Then when she's ready the door will be open. Send her and your uncle notes for Christmas,etc.

I'm sitting here thinking about your situation. My personal experience as a bmom was that I thought about him and the whole situation much more early on. Over the years I have filled my life with many things. (Pastoring 2 congregations definitely takes time and energy.) My other (grown) children and I sometimes talk several times in a week and then sometimes not for serveral weeks. It works for us.

I don't call D much. I do IM him when he's on line and we chat a bit. I do worry that I'm contacting him at a bad time and he's too nice to say so. (Especially since he's at work usually.)

It's funny, I'm more comfortable calling and talking to his wife.

Again, hang in there. Since you hope the reunion will be a lifetime one, I assume, try to remember that this is for the long term. (Not that that will take the frustration away...) I hope she calls you soon.

[irisheyes33]

Hi cnb,

So finally I found your story You know, I get the feeling your bmom is "processing" things. Still, you have been in reunion since May so how long does it take...? I guess everyone's story is different. I agree with Kathy...keep the communication lines open...drop a card...call once a month if you don't hear from her (and I mean physically get her on the phone)...do you think she is not taking your calls? Can you block your phone # when you call just in case? That's just the paranoid me thinking aloud, but it sounds like she doesn't want you to disappear...she's just hiding. I am known to do the same kind of thing, even with my birthmom, and she always snaps me out of it.

I hope this resolves itself soon...this limbo has got to be driving you nuts.

[cnb1099]

Irish- I was starting to think she was avoiding me..but she sends me emails that says she thinks about me every day and that she is "busy", her office is moving etc. I just keep telling myself she had a life before she found me and she continues to have that life now...But you ar eright it is very frustrating to be standing in limbo not knowing...It is my first Christmas knowing any of my birthfamily and I guess I was just hoping for a bit more..and I would tell her that if I could ever get her on the darn phone!! LOL

[kakuehl]

Cnb, does she answer e-mails? How far from you does she live? I think I overwhelmed D on our first Christmas in reunion by sending him a gift he didn't expect. (I think he felt he had to recipricate.) On the other hand, he overwhelmed me by asking about and coming to visit Christmas Eve. This year, they've invited us there (with D's aparents.).

As a birthmom, I have to admit that I hold back because basically I'm still unsure of my place in his life and I don't want to push my way into his life. Maybe your bmom is also still feeling insecure.

[cnb1099]

Kathy, we live a long way away (she in NY and me in TX) but she occasionally answers emails, usually apologizing for not calling..one or two lines.

I have told her that I want her to be a part of my life, she can call anytime...but what I say and what she feels I am sure are totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

But as Irish said being in limbo is so totally nerveracking!!

[bajj]

Big hugs to you!

[kakuehl]

Long range relationships are hard to build. I think that one reason my daughter and D are developing their relationship so easily is that they live about 20 minutes apart. I'm lucky in that I only live 2 1/2 hrs from D. That aside... it's the "P" word again (patience). I know it's hard. I can't speak for anyone else, I only know that when you spend (in my case) 33 years telling yourself that you have no right to contact the child you gave birth to, it's difficult to believe it's ok.

[irisheyes33]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I can't speak for anyone else, I only know that when you spend (in my case) 33 years telling yourself that you have no right to contact the child you gave birth to, it's difficult to believe it's ok.

This is SO true. My birthmom spent 35 years telling herself the same thing and it was the primary reason she refused contact at first. Even after our first meeting (which was beyond wonderful) she hurt me very badly by sending short emails and being basically emotionless. It all came from that "not feeling like I have a right to intrude" thing and thinking she needed to fight off the clinginess when all we wanted to do was cling. She said it was "processing". Luckily for me this only took about a month or two on her part (she said "I love you" the first time a month after our first meeting).

The distance thing just makes it worse. My birthmom and I live 2,547 miles apart (who's counting?) and it makes for a lot of "guessing" on our parts as far as how the other person feels and what we are going through, even though we communicate daily. Sometimes I slow down the communication because I can't stand to be away from her and daily emails serve as a reminder of how far away she is. Maybe, cnb, your birthmom is kinda doing something similar? Like she has so much going on in her life right now that she can't take the "distraction" of you...or that she is afraid of getting too close for fear of getting hurt?? Limbo, limbo, limbo.

I think you are doing the right thing - keep calling, send something for the holidays, gently remind her that you're here. And waiting. Patiently. (not)