[kdecrow]

Hello! I'm a birthmother from TN. After a heartwrenching search for my birth son I have come up empty-handed. I have turned in request to DHS in Nashville and they will locate my adult son (29 y.o.) and ask if his records may be released to me and if he would like contact ( I would). The catch is I had to sign a legal document stating that if he refused contact I am never during my lifetime try to locate him again. I am terrified, I feel like I did the first time I had to "sign him away". I am wondering if any adult male adoptees have received first contact through DHS and how they felt about it. Please pray for me, it's going to be a long 6 month wait until Nashville opens my case. God bless.

[chris1965]

I'm an adult male adoptee but I wasn't located by a court appointed searcher. I searched and located my birth mother two years ago. Sorry your own search efforts were futile but in some instances going through the state's C.I. program is about the only viable option available. While the long wait and a lack of control over the search process is serioulsy flawed, one good thing is the one conducting the search will have access to all the information contained in your bson's court file and he should be fairly easy to find. I believe the legal document you were referring to in which your birth son could refuse contact is known as a "contact veto"; that's just a formality in some states, and truthfully, mostly for birth mothers in hiding.

I personally feel your bson will welcome contact from you. I wish you the best of luck!

Chris

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by kdecrow

The catch is I had to sign a legal document stating that if he refused contact I am never during my lifetime try to locate him again. I am terrified,

Wha tha?????!!!!! I am so sorry you were faced with having to sign papers like that for the second time in your life.

I'm not a male adoptee, but I just wanted to send you a little support here, at what I know must be a very nerve-wracking time. Hugs, thoughts and prayers ("to the universe for healing and connection", quoting a fellowposter) going up for you at this time.

[kdecrow]

Thanks Chris & Grinn for your comments. This is the first time I've spoken to any adult male adoptee's on line and your responses give me hope. Yes, in the state of Tennessee, you DO have to sign a contact veto. I sent mine in, stating that I want contact, but my son will also be required to fill out the contact veto. I pray he will not check "no" for contact. If he does, by law if I contact him, write to him, show up in his vicinity, etc...I will be held legally liable. This TN veto business keeps a LOT of adoptees & birthmothers from searching. It's the finality of the whole thing-terrifying. Again, thanks for your response. I'm trying to prepare myself for any outcome.
Kim

[sal]

I know how hard the waiting is.... one's mind races all around to all the possibilities... and usually stops on one of the worst case scenarios. The one thing that popped into my head when I was reading this thread is that even IF... your son signed an order of veto... at least HE'D know that you cared about him, that YOU wanted to find him...that YOU wouldn't have rejected him if he had chosen to search. If he does sign now... I would hope that it wouldn't be a one and done kind of thing... that perhaps it could be reversed if after a bit he changed his mind. I'm a reunited adoptee who would have been ready for contact with my bmom many years before it actually happened if I'd only known that she would have welcomed the contact. Good luck.. and keep us posted... sal

[kdecrow]

Originally Posted by sal

I know how hard the waiting is.... one's mind races all around to all the possibilities... and usually stops on one of the worst case scenarios. The one thing that popped into my head when I was reading this thread is that even IF... your son signed an order of veto... at least HE'D know that you cared about him, that YOU wanted to find him...that YOU wouldn't have rejected him if he had chosen to search. If he does sign now... I would hope that it wouldn't be a one and done kind of thing... that perhaps it could be reversed if after a bit he changed his mind. I'm a reunited adoptee who would have been ready for contact with my bmom many years before it actually happened if I'd only known that she would have welcomed the contact. Good luck.. and keep us posted... sal

Thanks for your kind reply Sal. Yes, you echo my thoughts exactly. My main reason for searching and signing the veto, hard as it was, is so that HE would know I care. You know, it's not about me. It's all about him. Always has been and always will be. God bless and I'm so glad you found your birth mother. It takes a strong leap of faith for an adoptee to search and it shows a great deal of maturity and compassion on your part.

[kakuehl]

WOW! I'm not an adoptee, I'm a birthmom of a 34 year son. I wanted to affirm you in your decision. I actually found my sign through this site last year so I can relate to your feeings. I think I would make the same decision you did so that he would know you did care. I had tried to let my son know by sending a letter to be given to him if he ever searched. Unfortunately, when he tried to search the agency his aparents had used was closed. At least this way he'll definitely know. Do you if he can later change his mind IF he says no now?

You're in my prayers.

[kdecrow]

Hi kakuehl..
Yes, he CAN change his mind should he decide he wants contact later in life. He would have to pay a fee, fill out the paperwork, take his place "in back of the line" and wait another 6 months for them to reopen the case. Isn't this crazy? Then I would have to fill out a revised and updated veto stating I still would like contact...then ANOTHER 6 month wait. Wow is right! Thank you for your kind letter. Kim

[sal]

Thanks for the kind words kdecrow... searching was something that I always desperately WANTED to do... but really didn't have the courage to do it until I began to face the reality of losing my aparents... I finally realized that I NEEDED to do it..to find out the truth ....even if I found rejection... at least I would finally KNOW.. closure I guess. I also hoped that I would find my bmother still living to tell her that I was alright. My reunion has surpassed my wildest dreams... not only was I welcomed with open arms by my bmother but also her husband, bsiblings, and a huge extended bfamily. (unfortunately can't say the same for my bfather and his immediate family...but do have some contact with a couple of his sisters) As far as maturity...I guess at 48 I FINALLY found some... hee hee.. I think when I went outside worrying about ME.. and realizing that if my bmom was still alive... I didn't want her to die without knowing that I was happy and healthy...that's when I became strong enough to really begin the search. I guess my reunion was "as it should be"... the search went VERY quickly...took a couple of months after locating her to finally get the nerve...BUT.. the rest is history...MY history... MY truth... I will be waiting on pins and needles with you until you get the information that YOU are waiting for!!! sal

[c3636]

I'm also an male adoptee and I thought I'd add on here. We have so many different experiences as adoptees, I'm sure that goes for everyone in the adoption triad also. It's been a while for me since I located my birth mother, although at the time that might of been rare, had I found my birth mother yesterday, I'm sure knowing that she cared and that she was okay would be important.

Alex