[SallyLF]

I am wondering if anyone has ever heard of a birthmother, in spite of my having legal documents, adoption papers identifying her, old family friends (a minister) who knew her and arranged the adoption giving me info that matched, plus a photo of her that looks just like me insist that all the information is true but that it's not her!

I am 50 yrs old and have searched my whole adult life for my bmom, then found her (thanks to Classmates.com) a few days ago. I called her, she confirmed all the information as correct, even the church she grew up in, but then said "it's like identity theft, it's not ME who gave birth to you". She was very nice, 71 yrs old, told me she'd not had "any OTHER children" when I asked if she'd had kids (which seemed odd...wouldn't you say you'd not had any children rather than say any OTHER children?). After 40 minutes of conversation - me assuring her I had nothing but love and understanding for her situation, that I'd had a life that any bmother would want for their lost child, that my aparents are dead, that I only wanted some genetic/heritage questions answered - she still said "it's not me". Then she told me I could come visit her any time and that I could call her Mother.

The disappointment is crushing. I always felt in my heart that if I could find her she'd want to know me, or at least admit it was she who gave birth to me. Every birthday I "communed" with her, since I was 4 years old and now I feel like a fool for harboring this fantasy. I absolutely KNOW she's my bmom, I have proof, lots of it. I kept thinking I could bring her around to admitting it but she just kept saying "that's so strange, it's all correct, but it's not ME". I had the feeling she would've talked to me all day, never once tried to end the conversation, asked about my life, and then at the end saying I could come see her and call her Mother if I wanted. What should I do now?

[snoopie1424]

Sally,

Maybe she just needs a little time. When I called my husbands bmother it went about the same. I had 1st names of his siblings, her age, lots of info. She said it wasn't her and then said "was he born in the morning?" Not really something you would ask if you didn't know what I was talking about. I just gave her my number and she said she would call back if she thought of anything. It took about 8 hours but she did call back and the 1st words were "I think you already know this, but he is our son". Then she went on to explain that she need to tell her other children 1st because she had never told them. I totally understood.

I guess my point here is, maybe she just needs a little time for it to sink in. Maybe give her a few days and then try again.

Good Luck

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee who fortunately was welcomed with open arms by my bmom but have a similar situation with my bdad. I chose to meet him, asked him some medical history questions(which if he WASN'T my bdad... I doubt he'd told me)...and then moved on. There was/is still alot of shame/guilt on many birthmother's parts. The pain that they went through during the pregnancy and relinquishment for some was SO deep that they've actually been able to convince themselves that it didn't happen. This might be what happened with your bmom (if she IS your bmom)..My curiosity won over my feelings of protecting myself. You may want to meet her... perhaps she will eventually come around... and maybe she won't. Either way you will know that you did what you could do... and hopefully it will work out for you. Keep us posted... sal

[dmca]

so? is there a possibility it's not her? I suppose, if you did visit, you could take some of her hair and find out for sure. ( dna testing).
does she have a female cousin or sister? Could be one of them too.
Lots in my family look alike.
dmca

[snuffie]

I would go visit her. It sounds like she is in such deep denial, not at all uncommon in birth moms of that era. I know how it is to have your lifelong fantasy and dream crushed.
My bmom said that having me was a closed chapter in a book. Like it never happened. That really, really hurt at the time but I've since found out that it was all untrue. She thought of me all of the time.

It may take your mom a while to deal with all of the emotions long buried. But I know that if it were me and I had had the chance to sit down and talk with my bmom before she passed away, I would have done anything to spend some time with her.

Hugs and Please keep me posted.

Snuffie

[SallyLF]

yes I'm positive it's her - the town she was/is from was very small at the time. She is the only one of that name (on court docs, birth certificate which I have) in the whole town. She was an only child. I knew the pastor that arranged the adoption, the doctor who delivered me, the church she went to at the time - all of it she confirms, except for the part about being pregnant with me. She was never sent away, went into labor at home, her parents didn't know she was pregnant (and maybe she was in denial about that herself) then went to the hospital to have me. I weighed just 3 lbs when I was born so spent 6 weeks in the incubator. For her it was probably In/Out and back to normal life....and putting it all behind her.

I just don't want to scare her off. I want to call but may opt to write a letter instead. Then again it may come to me driving 2 days to where she lives....it's so hard to know how to proceed. I'm afraid she'll change her number or something. Ha! I like the idea of going to her house and cleaning out her hairbrush for DNA testing. I really don't think I've found the wrong person though - she's a perfect match in all ways. My husband listened to her answering machine message and said he couldn't tell our voices apart, and then of course is the picture I have of her - she looks more like me than anyone I've ever seen or met in my life.

Thanks so much for the support, it helps so much. No one but other adoptees really get it, this hole inside. This site is a godsend, and I will keep you posted.
SallyLF

[snuffie]

Just by reading how your mom had you at home and not even her parents knowing about the pregnancy makes me wonder if your bmom is still in very real denial. I think there is a "medical" term for it but I can't remember what it is. Sort of like post traumatic stress disorder.
How very sad. But if she was in denial then and was able to continue to be in denial, it may take her a while to face the reality of it all.
It is horrible for us but may be a very big part of a healing process for her.
How about sending a "thinking of you" letter with a picture of yourself in it? It might give her some time to think without the "pressure" of a phone call or face to face visit at this time.

Lots of hugs,

Snuffie

[heartbeat]

Wow Sally, that's bizarre. I've heard of similar things, but if they're denying and KNOW they're denying, they usually don't admit that everything else is correct, y'know?

I agree with snuffie - a picure of you with a note saying you enjoyed talking to her. Maybe even go so far as to say that even if she's not your mother, she seems like a nice lady and you'd like to be friends. If she knows she's denying, that might set her mind at ease that you're not 'out to get her', and if she doesn't know she's denying, it keeps you in touch with her.

I do believe it's possible that she doesn't remember giving birth to you. And if you only weighed 3 lbs, she wouldn't have gotten very big.

I hope that for your sake you're able to not take it personally and instead can find compassion for this woman.

Can you talk to the pastor or the doctor? It just feels like there's something more to this. I'm guessing that she knew she was pregnant? You say her parents didn't know she was...this may sound like a stupid question, but did they find out afterwards? I'm kind of grasping at straws, but it wouldn't be unheard of for a parent to beat their daughter, pregnant or after giving birth, to 'teach her a lesson'. I'm wondering if you were premature or just had a low birth weight - either way, it doesn't sound like a healthy pregnancy. It also occurred to me that maybe she tried to abort you and created a situation in which she HAD to go to the hospital or risk losing her own life. That could definitely cause infertility and no "other" children. It's possible that on a subconscious level she knows, and that caused her to say no "other" children, but that her conscious thinking doesn't have access to the memory. I'm just wondering what caused her to go to the hospital becuase it doesn't sound like a full term pregnancy.

Sorry for the dire thoughts. I'm just trying to think what would be so traumatic that you'd forget being pregnant and giving birth. My instincts tell me she's genuine, but of course I could be wrong. I'd definitely urge you to attempt contact with the pastor, doctor, or any other contact names you may be able to find.

For that matter, it might be helpful to go to the town and simply ask around about the family. Look for people in their 70 & 80's and see if you can strike up a conversation with them. The old guys at the barber shop or gas station hangout would love chatting with a younger lady. Pretty easy to bring the conversation around - comment on how it's so much colder (or warmer, or windier) there than your home, they ask where home is, you tell them and say you're just there for a day or two, looking for some people...you're off. A small town, there's no telling what you'll learn. It's a plan I was going to use, but ended up not having to.

Whatever happens, I hope you find your answers. I really feel for you. Keep us posted, k?

Warmly, heartbeat

[SallyLF]

You all are so wonderful to ruminate the possibilities with me.

The town she lives in had under 20,000 people at the time of my birth, but now there are 66,000 plus, too big to meander and pick the local's brains.

The doctor that delivered me died 4 years ago, but I visited him 10 years ago and he told me (again) the story of my birth. I wish so much that I had picked his brain on some specifics - I know everyone involved wanted to protect me. Case in point, the minister (who is now in his late 80's) always gave me a rosy story about how my bmom "loved me very much and was very concerned about prenatal care", which I'm pretty sure isn't true, obviously. He is old school, or was, and also felt it was his responsibility to protect her interests as he was appointed her guardian in all the court proceedings and was also the one who "introduced" me to my aparents (my adad was also a minister). He DID tell me I looked just like her, which I feel is true. But, I think I was a preemie, that's what I've always been told. I had no health complications other than just not being fully formed in the lungs. But, the story goes that my bmom had "severe pain in her abdomen and her mother didn't know why so called the doctor, who came to the house (ah the good 'ol days). After a brief examination he saw she was pregnant and in labor, so off to the hospital they all went. He goes on to say (I have this in writing) that my mother and her parents "thoughtfully concluded it would be in [my] best interest and theirs to find another home for [me].

I truly believe this woman is the one I've been searching for all along. Same town, same name, same church, right age, and then that photo of her is impossible to deny the resemblence.

I'm reading my adoption papers as I write this and I see a sentence that says "no notice of these proceedings shall be required to be given to any person whatsoever".
Another sentence is "the records herein shall be secret and the same shall be disclosed only upon Order of the Court for good cause shown." I have also been told women of that era were told that THEY were never to have contact with their relinquished child. It was a whole different mindset then, legally and otherwise, and I'll bet she thought her secret past was buried and safe from anyone ever knowing. And perhaps that includes me, though at that time I imagine it was uncommon for adoptees to search for their bparents. If I read the court papers right it sounds like she didn't want to be found, unless that was just the standard vernacular then. My aparents always encouraged me to look if I wanted to. They first told me her name when I was 4 years old, when I asked if they knew it. They didn't seem very concerned about protecting anyone.

I have often wondered about the circumstances of my conception, as has all adoptees who don't know. The possible scenarios run the gamut from young love to rape to incest. I was prepared to hear anything, except that she's not the person I've been looking for for all these years.

I thought I was prepared for anything, but I am a perfect example of someone who wasn't. I've read reunion stories, good and bad, and thought I had no expectations. BUT, it never occurred to me that should I find her she would deny it. That NEVER crossed my mind. I think if it had I would've had a Plan B for our phone conversation and might've been able to stay on the line longer without feeling like an idiot and perhaps pull more out of her. But I stumbled around in my grief and confusion and just didn't know how to keep asking questions, even though she was very nice on the phone. I just talking about myself, my life, thinking on some level she has wondered about these things. Plus she seemed interested, even asking again at one point if I'd had a good life. "So you've had a good life?" I told her that I relinquished a baby myself, told her the story, thinking nothing could possibly make her feel safer than knowing I was an understanding kindred soul. She thought my daughter's adoption was "meant to be" and a "wonderful thing", but it didn't get her to 'fess up.

I know, without acknowledgement (or DNA testing) it's impossible to say I KNOW ThiS IS MY MOTHER, but...I know this is my mother.

[dpen6]

Oh my, My heart is breaking for this women. I see total and abject fear, her denial is protective and all encompessing. How sad and scary.

i would take her up on the visit but I feel you may need to be very gentel and allow her her denial at this point. It may be all your going to get, but then agin maybe not. We don't know how she will react when/if the denial is gone. I'm sure the last thing you want to do is push her into something that she can't deal with. She is not pushing you away, she is allowing you your questions and has offered to meet you. If she is able to keep up the pretense that "no...your not mine" she is holding on for dear life.
This is one case that I beleive you need to be very careful as the last thing you want to do is destroy her...she sounds very sweet.

As an adoptee I can only imagine how fustrating it must be....

[AdamsDad]

I am very sorry for the hurtful feelings you are experiencing right now. I wish you all the luck in gaining a resolution. Having said that I feel however that you should respect what she is saying to you right now. take her up on the visit and get to know her without pushing the issue. If you are certain that she is your birth parent than what does it matter if she says it. YOU know it, and getting to know her will answer many of the questions that you have. Pushing her away by continuing to demand an affirmative answer serves no one. Take what you can get for now and see what develops. Good Luck

[heartbeat]

I don't know why your story is affecting me so much, but it is. I think in your shoes I'd feel like I was sooo close, but not quite. I know I felt like all I really needed to know was my b-mom's first name - it's like that would make her a real person. And I'd have been at peace with that. I got so much more and am thankful. My birthmom had me in 1956 - the good ole hush-hush 50's. When you said small town, I thought you were talking 500 or so. You're right, even 20,000 is too big to hang out at the barber shop and gossip with the guys. <grin> (I always think of Andy and Barney and Floyd)

My mom and her husband stopped here a couple of weeks ago to meet me on their way to visit relatives in the town she lived in back then. Her dad is still there in a nursing home and is about 83. I wanted to go so bad, but there's some other stuff going on in my life and I couldn't handle all those relatives right now. I hope I can meet him before he goes. I want to thank him for supporting my mom. Her own mom had recently died, my mom was 15, and was forced by her dad's brother. The town accepted it well and were supportive, and I'm sure her dad set the example. He didn't send her away or hide her in the house. They kept their heads up, and I want to thank him and say 'hi, it's me!'

At least he knows about me and saw lots of pictures, and I'm sure she told him how much I wanted to meet him.

Sorry, got kind of lost thinking out loud. Back to your story - I think you're right - it sounds very whitewashed. Also, in reading what birthmom's have written, it was emphasized to them to leave us alone, that they'd only stir things up, hurt us, etc. I believe you were a premie, too. No way was 3 lbs a full term. I'm thinking that's about 2 months early.

As for how the papers worded things, what you have is pretty common. I was just looking at my papers and they used the term 'out of wedlock', and get this!---> "judge examined all persons blahblahblah...petitioners are financially able and morally fit to have the care, supervision and training of such child...etc"

Excuse me?! training?? I'm not a puppy!! roflmao I can laugh, but in reality that's kind of how me and my siblings were treated - like we were being trained. Guess they were pretty surprised when by our teen years my brother and I proved we had a brain and protested like h*ll!

I know what you mean about wondering about your conception. I did too, and like you, thought I was prepared for anything. Boy did I get a shock!

Just had another thought - maybe the secrecy was such a strong, unspoken rule imposed by all, including society, and she's lived with that so long it almost as if she's forgotten that it's no longer really important, or that she has a say in the matter. Because it sure sounds like she does remember - you can call her 'mother', she asked again if you had a good life, welcomed you to come visit her. I think it was very sweet of you to tell her of the child you relinquished.

If it were me, I think I'd start writing letters to her every couple of weeks, send a "thinking of you" card now and then, etc. Who doesn't love getting a good old fashioned letter?! In fact, I sent one not long ago and it felt so good to print it out (ok, not my handwriting! LOL) address the envelope, decorate it with my stickers, stamp it and put it in a mailbox. It was pretty cool. Anyway, I'd also try to visit her as soon as possible. I've changed my mind from my earlier post, and I think it's very possible she'll eventually come around. She also may be trying to protect her heart - she didn't have any more children, and may be kind of lonely, and may be afraid to have her daughter breeze into her life, and possibly, breeze right back out.

Whatever happens, I'm both happy and hurting for you.

heartbeat

[SallyLF]

oh I have come to such a good place finding this site. Such kindness, wisdom and experience here with all this stuff. Being a bmother AND an adoptee I thought I was a walking suitcase of experience just for having lived it, but it is such a deep issue - adoption - and we are all individuals so there is no cookie cutter way of going about things. I found out you can think about something your entire life and yet be totally unprepared nonetheless upon "showtime".

Like you, heartbeat, when I first found my bmom's photo I was so filled with satisfaction it cooled my jets for quite awhile. There was such a joy in just seeing what she looked like, I thought "this is more than I ever thought I'd have". Then eventually that longing creeps back and you want more. Interestingly, when I was pregnant with my daughter I somehow felt so close to my bmom, and then when I relinquished her my bmom was my spiritual mentor, or maybe dream mentor is a better way of putting it. I felt very close to her somehow and felt that many of my personal questions had been satisfied by having a similiar experience as hers. I was pretty caught up in my grief for a long time. Still grieving 16 years later.

This experience with my bmom has awakened my own fears about when the time comes for my daughter to contact me, if she so chooses. She certainly won't have to search for me when the time comes, her family always knows where I am and I had it written into the "contract" that my daughter has full choice of when (if) she wants to find me. If she is still a minor it doesn't matter. I want the choice to know to be hers whenever she's ready. But just like w/my bmom it has never occurred to me that she wouldn't want to contact me, and...she might not. I'm not trying to start another subject here, just acknowledging how complex the whole issue is and how helpful everyone has been in helping me think through all this.

I really lost my equilibrium for a couple of days after contacting my bmom and having it not go the way I'd always envisioned but I'm in a stronger place now and am so grateful to be able to proceed with all the help this board has shared with me.

As for the wording in my adoption papers, there is even a clause in there that specifies that we (myself and aparents) are of the White Race and Protestant. I suppose that was a stipulation of the courts of that time. It's embarrassing now. Thank goodness some things have changed for the better. And yes, I was "trained" also, (or attempted to be) but apparently have gone feral!

I used to go to support groups occasionally in San Francisco, where I lived for years. But my husband and I moved to the boonies where none exist. Thank goodness for this place, I don't know how I would've gotten thru this past week w/o you all! Even the hard stuff is good to hear.

So now I am writing wonderful, intelligent, compelling letters in my head but so far have not picked up a pen. Something I've realized from being a lurker here is that a week to a searching adoptee can feel like for..EVER, while I week to a reluctant bmom dealing with a lifetime of issues and secrecy is but a moment. Like they say, it's all relative.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by SallyLF

I am wondering if anyone has ever heard of a birthmother, in spite of my having legal documents, adoption papers identifying her, old family friends (a minister) who knew her and arranged the adoption giving me info that matched, plus a photo of her that looks just like me insist that all the information is true but that it's not her!

I am 50 yrs old and have searched my whole adult life for my bmom, then found her (thanks to Classmates.com) a few days ago. I called her, she confirmed all the information as correct, even the church she grew up in, but then said "it's like identity theft, it's not ME who gave birth to you". She was very nice, 71 yrs old, told me she'd not had "any OTHER children" when I asked if she'd had kids (which seemed odd...wouldn't you say you'd not had any children rather than say any OTHER children?). After 40 minutes of conversation - me assuring her I had nothing but love and understanding for her situation, that I'd had a life that any bmother would want for their lost child, that my aparents are dead, that I only wanted some genetic/heritage questions answered - she still said "it's not me". Then she told me I could come visit her any time and that I could call her Mother.

The disappointment is crushing. I always felt in my heart that if I could find her she'd want to know me, or at least admit it was she who gave birth to me. Every birthday I "communed" with her, since I was 4 years old and now I feel like a fool for harboring this fantasy. I absolutely KNOW she's my bmom, I have proof, lots of it. I kept thinking I could bring her around to admitting it but she just kept saying "that's so strange, it's all correct, but it's not ME". I had the feeling she would've talked to me all day, never once tried to end the conversation, asked about my life, and then at the end saying I could come see her and call her Mother if I wanted. What should I do now?

You are 50.

50 years ago the only worse thing then getting pregnant out of wed lock, was suicide.

For 50 years she has pretended, denied and ignored any and all emotion connected to the birth of a child she could not keep.

She would have been called a whore by her own family. She would have had to live with the fact that everyone knew her shame. She would be told that no "decent man" would ever want her.

The boy or man would have denied even knowing her and they would have taken his word for it.

Every guy knew she was easy, along with every divorced woman in town. For any man in those days, the local divorcee or unwed mother was fair game. And I mean fair game, she would be raped if she said no. Again, it would be her fault.

She will not realize that no one cares anymore. That it is better to admit it and meet the past head on, then keep pretending. Her personal shame may be more then she can face.

Now that she knows you have found her, she may need time to think about it. She may come around, she may not.

Once your past says hello, you can no longer deny it.

As hard as it is for you, give her some time.


Good luck

[heartbeat]

Like they say, it's all relative.

No pun intended? I know I know I couldn't resist.

I'm just glad to hear you sounding healthy and well-balanced about the situation. Whatever happens, I think she'd be proud of you, and you have good reason to believe so.

heartbeat