[SallyLF]

hee hee, I'm glad my subconscious still has a sense of humor!

And now that I'm grappling with love, fear, guilt, the passage of time, counting my blessings, licking my wounds, and calling on the gods and goddesses of wisdom so I can carry on with grace....you affirmation is timely and very sweet heartbeat. thanks

I see you're a NE gal. Me too, I lived in Lincoln and Denton from age 7 - 21.

[loveajax]

Sally, my DH is in the process of finding his birth family. I told him your story, and we both just couldn't believe it (i.e., THAT was not one of the possibilities we had thought about either).

I totally agree that your birth mom may have PTSD, may be denying as a coping mechanism, etc. But I also wonder if perhaps she may be suffering from alzheimers (or pre-alzheimers or dementia). Perhaps there is a medical reason this is happening (I know that's probably "out there," but I know a few women in their early 70s who suffer from this).

Good luck to you, Karen

[SallyLF]

Yes Karen I considered the possibility of dementia. My amother had early onset Alzheimers and she could still be very lucid at times. Usually she remembered the "long-ago" things better than current things though. But, Alzheimers is somewhat like adoption issues - for all the similiarities we are still all unique and affected differently. Still, there's no way of knowing unless I meet her. I hope she doesn't have dementia, she lives alone, and she sure sounded perky! I told her about some of my medical issues and she said "Well, I don't have any of that stuff!" It's going to be a mystery until she calls me or I go visit.

I was thinking of sending her flowers on my b-day, which is in 11 days, along with a Thinkiing Of You card. Think that's a good idea or am I once again going down a niave path?

[SallyLF]

Karen, I read that 90% of bmothers invite contact and I hope your experience reflects those statistics. Also, there is another thread here wondering if bmoms remember their child's b-days, and it seems that most definitely do. Hope the search goes well for your husband!

[InionGrinn]

There's a poster here, Shirleyville, who I haven't seen around in a while, but if I recall she had a very similar experience with her birthmother denying being her birthmother. I wish she'd pop in and share because she has a LOT of wisdom in this area!

Sally, if you feel called in your heart to send her a card or flowers, I say do it. You just have to be prepared that she may not respond. But I say if you have love in your heart, why not share it with her?

And my heart goes out to you. We all enter this reunion thing not knowing what is coming down the pike. I'll be meeting with my bmom ina few weeks and I hope and pray it goes well...but it is TRULY a leap of faith.

There are plenty of posters here with lots of reunion experience, both good and bad, so keep on posting and leaning on us for support! We're here!

[heartbeat]

Hi Sally,

I'm curious - this birthday in 11 (now 8) days - is it a date you have in your info and it's your b'mom's date?

Or has this lady mentioned that it's her b'day sometime when you talked? Or maybe it's both...you knew your mom's b'date and asked this lady hers, and it was the same b'day?

I understand that you believe the lady is your b'mom, and I tend to believe it too, I was just curious about where the b'date came from.

Flowers? I think that would be very thoughtful. And know what? Even if in the long run it somehow turns out she's not your mom, then you've given flowers to, and probably made an older lady feel pretty special. Seems like you can't go wrong.

I was just thinking how frustrating this must be for you. You're 99% sure you finally found your b'mom, but can't really celebrate because of that unknown 1%. Kind of like jumping for joy and getting stuck up in the air.

heartbeat

[SallyLF]

good analogy heartbeat! 11-17 is MY birthday but I was one of those kids who always, as far back as I can remember, took some time to send love and thanks to the stranger who gave birth to me on "my" day. And yeah, had the same thought as you - that sending flowers can't be a bad way to go, but it's the card that's tricky. I live in a very remote area so there's not alot of choice for cards. I went to every store in the area and decided I was going to have to make my own. My husband is a computer genius/artist so I'm going through old pics and will make a montage of me in a few stages of my life - baby, schoolgirl, bride, and now OLD. As to the words, they are stuck up in the air with me. I imagine Less is More in this case. It's so hard, I can't say I KNOW YOU ARE HER, YES YOU ARE. Yes you ARE!! What do you think of "Thinking of You, really enjoyed talking with you and hope to do it again" then leave her all my contact info? Send her a Christmas card. Wait s'more. Then, after hearing nothing from her drive 2 days to lurk in front of her house with binoculars? heh heh.

I have found some equilibrium, like I said in an earlier post, but am still struggling with the wisdom part, how not to sink into sadness over this. Part of me wishes I'd not found her, life was going pretty good before I did. But this forum has helped me and will continue to do so, help me live with the fact that I have to Let Go and let it be what it will. And be okay with that, not just ENDURE it,y'know? I have to be satisfied that this attempt to reunite with her may be the only contact I ever have, but at least I had it and got to fulfill my fantasy of thanking her for my life and letting her know I'm fine and that things turned out well. And I AM still reeling from the shock of finding her, after so many years of searching and then to have it sort of fall into my lap after a hunch.

I wonder why some of us adoptees have such a hole inside whereas others don't? Even when my aparents, (who were wonderful people) were my whole world, I have ALWAYS been aware of that someone out there,missing.

I've read on other posts people who have a City, age, maiden name, and are stuck. Classmates.com is a good place to look because the girls are listed with their maiden names but their married names are on there too. That's how I found her. I knew she had come from South Dakota before moving to Oregon, where she had me. Didn't find anything, other than a yearbook pic, in Oregon, but there she was, listed in the student body of the South Dakota school and that glorious, long sought-after married name that had eluded me for all these years, 25 to be exact.

So, (gulp) ONWARD!

[krielly]

Sally,
Just coming across your post. My heart aches for you!!!! How bittersweet this all is.....You have an opportunity to meet your bmom, but she is not really giving you the "acknowledgement" you SOOOOOOOO deserve.

My bmom was contacted by my CI in 2005, but has denied contact "at this time". All I know is her first name, that she lives in a small town in New England (that's specific, now isn't it) and that she was 20 at the time of my birth, which would make her 60 now.

I really struggle with this on an almost daily basis, however, I can't even imagine being in your situtation.

I wish I had some advice to offer, but all I can do is send big HUGS your way!!!!!!!!

I'll be following this thread to see how things progress.

thinking of you!
Karen

[Senior Adoptee]

SallyLF: Like you' I'm not a teenager. And also like you, I have finished a successful 18-month search to identify and locate my birth mother. My results were the same as yours - she admits to everything I've learned, but denies that one major fact. Her children - who are your age - are sticking by their mom, which is wonderful, because they should.

Perhaps we need to ask ourselves why we've done this search. Just out of curiosity to know more? To meet and thank her for making a painful decision which gave us a second shot at life? Or to go off the wrong end and berate her for throwing us in the trash? The first two motives are good; the third is selfish, mean, and an indication somebody needs professional help.

My search revealed the extraordinary steps my birth mother took, to first make sure I was in good hands, and then to disappear. She was 100% successful in the first part, 99% in the second.

I am not of her generation, but enough friends have told me that in her time, having a child out of wedlock was a serious "scarlet letter" situation. And perhaps in her mind, despite the morals of the changing world around her, it still is.

You (and I) have made our presence known, and have expressed our positive feelings toward the women who gave birth to us. Now it is time for us to just step back and let human instinct take its course. For us to get red in the face and quietly demand this person admit to us, is not a charitable thing.

Be happy with what you did find. Not all those who make this journey are so lucky. She knows you're ok. Let her have her peace now.

[Sniffles]

Sally,

I wanted to send some cyber hugs your way. I actually found my b-mom, sent her two letters and one Christmas card and heard nothing from her. In April a search angel was able to get in contact with my b-grandparents and thanks goodness they wanted contact with me. Through them I found out that my b-mom has not told my sister about me and that is why she does not want contact.

I consider myself very lucky that I have contact with my grandparents. I can not imagine if I was in your shoes and my heart goes out to you. My b-day is 3 days before yours and I was also the type who every year quietly gave thanks to my b-mom.

I like the card idea (mainly cause I did it). All I did was sign the card and put my contact info in there. It is up to you to decide what to do.

Angela

[heartbeat]

Wow! Lots of new 'round-heads!' (icons) Except for the Darth Vader one. I don't know if it's supposed to move or not, but mine isn't and to be honest, it looks like a big pile of poo with a red stick beside it!

Then, after hearing nothing from her drive 2 days to lurk in front of her house with binoculars? heh heh.

Ohhh Sally...I do love your sense of humor. It's a lot like mine. I love that your town didn't have much in the way of cards and you're making one! I love the idea of arguing one-sidedly with her on the card (YES YOU ARE! ARE TOO ARE TOO!) but unfortunately it's probably not the best choice. LMAO

And be okay with that, not just ENDURE it,y'know?

Yup. I know exactly. You seem to be doing really well, but I can understand how you might feel a bit like you're on a fence. Maybe this will help: throughout my life I had some self-pity about being adopted, varying from almost undetectable to about medium. Nothin' wrong with that, everything in moderation, right? hee hee It was just a feeling I had that I wasn't proud of and I imagine some other adoptees have had it too. I never took it to the extreme of being a drama queen about it or blaming it for everything from my latest skinned knee to the starving children in the world.

After 40-something years, I finally got brave enough to ask for my non-identifying information. The truth of my being born wasn't even close to any of the scenarios I had imagined. I think I mentioned it in this thread - the truth was that my mom's mom had died in 1955, my mom was an only child who was going to school and cooking and cleaning for her dad - pretty normal teen who really missed her mom because they'd been close, and who wasn't close at all with her dad. I imagine that in her own way, she probably felt pretty abandoned. I don't know the details and didn't ask when I met her, but in 1956 her dad's brother forced himself on her, and when she came up pregnant, denied having even touched her. A 35 year old man who couldn't be a man and own his actions.

When I read that I started crying. I wanted to hold her and rock her and stroke her hair and whisper "There, there. It's alright. I'm here." - the exact thing I've always craved. I somehow became the nurturer and rather than seeking to fill my need, in my mind I was able to fulfill her need. It was only in my imagination, but it was very healing for me to stop crying for me and start crying for her. After all, she didn't have a mom either.

That was about 4 years ago, and even in the 3 years before I got any more info about her, the change in my view of my adoption stayed with me and somehow I didn't feel quite so much like the abandoned baby anymore. We had more than just the bond of birth, we had a bond of two women in pain, making it through together. Again, this is just my imagination, but it went a long way towards healing, and I still have that imaginary bond, even after having met her. I didn't tell her the details of it like I did here, but I did tell her that when I found out about her situation that I cried and wanted to hug the 15 year old that she had been.

It's been about 50 years since her mom died, but when she told me the story of her mom's battle with cancer she still cried. That touched me deeply, because that's what I always wanted and felt I missed out on, that feeling, that closeness.

Now, often when someone tells me this kind of story, I end up feeling scolded, somehow. As if they were really saying "oh quit being so self-centered and selfish, you ninny!" I know that's my own issue, but wanted to make it clear right here in writing that there's no hidden messages. I just thought it might be something that could help you not simply endure.

Have to tell you this...I knew my mom's mom had been a schoolteacher. What I didn't know is that she had a Masters degree! Wow! That's amazing for 1956. Wish I could have known her, she must have been something. huh! <shakes her head> my grandma.

As for your situation and what to do? I think that whatever you decide will be just right. With your heart and maturity, how could it be otherwise?

Even when my aparents, (who were wonderful people) were my whole world, I have ALWAYS been aware of that someone out there,missing.

I'm sorry you felt that way, but it's reassuring for me to know, because I had that hole too, and my a-parents weren't wonderful parents, altho they were wonderful people. Knowing you had the hole too helps me not feel so guilty for having mine. It wasn't my a-parents causing it, it's just a fact of life for some adoptees.

I know this is too long - sorry - but forgot I wanted to say this too...I was born in South Dakota!! Maybe you and I are sisters? LOL kidding! Where in SD did your mom live?

heartbeat

[heartbeat]

Sniffles? Is that kitty in a sink?! Did you know there's a whole site devoted to that? Appropriately called:
http://catsinsinks.com/

It all about...well...cats..in sinks. and kittens. and basins. I never knew so many cats had a sink fixation.

heartbeat

[Sniffles]

ROFL heartbeat! I love that site! I just had to put George's picture in there. I just can't stop laughing.

[heartbeat]

wooohoooo!! George is a STAR!!


!!! I've written to the same forum that a STAR'S mom writes to !!! Does that make me almost famous??


Isn't that the funniest site?! I love it.

Neither of my cats get in the sink, but one of them used to walk around the tub when I was in it. We'd play "Where'd The Toe Go?" and "Pop The Bubble Before It Gets You!" and "Catch The Faucet Drip!" After that era, she'd get on the side of the tub and peek around the curtain at me when I showered.

One time we came home and after we'd been there a while, I saw little spots of blood on the white tile floor. So I followed the trail, and it turns out that silly kitty had been playing with my razor which I left on the side of the tub, and in the process of batting it around, she'd gotten some tiny cuts. Normally I wouldn't laugh, but their paw skin is pretty thick and I doubt she even felt it. I could barely see even one. LOLOL Put my razor up after that.

Gotta love'm...silly kitties

heartbeat