[Poleczech]

Hi

I am a new amom, our son being 4 months old. I have some questions for those of you who grew up in a closed adoption, but first some background:

I was in the delivery room at his birthmother's request, and my husband was just outside the delivery room. She requested that I stay in the hospital with her overnight, which I did, except for the last night, which she requested that I not so she could have her alone time with the baby. She voluntarily relinquished in the hospital and we took the baby home with us and have had him ever since. The relationship we have with his birthmom is open and friendly, and we try to be as supportive of her as we possibly can, send her pictures often (sometimes one or more times each week), talk with her via email or IM, etc.

We can truly say that we love our son more than words could ever say, and we would move the heavens and earth for him if we could. He seems to be a very happy baby, and our pediatrician says he is very healthy, and his growth and development are excellent and right where they should be.

Our family and friends alike just adore him! Everyone knows that he is adopted (not finalized yet, but we are waiting), and NO ONE treats him like is any different then if he were our biochild. At four months old, he is STILL receiving gifts from family and friends of ours, which we appreciate as he is growing so fast, and outgrows clothes before he can outwear them. We talk to him about his birthmother, and read to him at bedtime almost every night, and include adoption books in our stories to chose from. We speak of his birthfather, but don't know very much about him, and do not have contact information for him, so we cannot communicate with him except through our agency.

So here is my question(s): We want our son to grow up well-adjusted, always knowing about his adoption, loving and respecting both his birth and adoptive families, and not being ashamed of his adoption, or be defined by it. Knowing that hindsight is always 20/20, if you had the opportunity to grow up in an open adoption, having an on-going relationship with your birthfamily (including half-brothers), how would you like that relationship to go? Is there anything that we, as adoptive parents, can do to help our son understand his adoption, understand the reasons why his birthfamily chose an adoption plan and also understand why we wanted to adopt him, so that he doesn't grow up feeling like he doesn't fit in with his adoptive family nor feel abandoned by his birthfamily? We are all the same race, so there isn't any "obvious" signs that he is adopted by those that don't already know (in fact, many, many people comment on how he actually resembles my DH, because they do have similar features, eye color, and hair color).

I hope I don't offend anyone by these questions, because I mean no harm -- I truly want to know so that I can not only be a good parent, but be a good aparent as well, because I know that things are different, and that he will face some differences growing up, and I want to be able to help him as best I can.

Thanks for your responses -- I look forward to reading them.

[chris1965]

"Our family and friends alike just adore him! Everyone knows that he is adopted (not finalized yet, but we are waiting), and NO ONE treats him like is any different then if he were our biochild."

I'm from the closed adopted era and I was two days old when when my adoptive parents brought me home from the hospital. I'm 41 years old now and I cannot remember one time where I was made to feel adopted or different by any of my adoptive family or their friends and as a result I feel as much a natual part of my adoptive family as if I were their own bio-child. I was maybe five years old when my parents first told me I was adopted. Of course, I really had no concept of what being adopted really was at that age. But my parents were always open and honest about everything and while being adopted wasn't something you just go out and tell everybody, it wasn't anything to be ashamed about either. My parents did know some general information about my birth mother but chose to wait until I was 15 to tell me. While my parents were always supportive if I were to search, they're weren't encourging either. As a parent, you'll know the right balance. Your son is in a wonderful family and no doubt will grow up in a well adjusted enviroment. He's very fortunate.

I'll have to admit, and this is coming just from me, but I don't think I would have been comforable growing up in an open adoption, but rather been able to have my identifying information when I turned 18 or 21. Now I know there are plenty of successful open adoptions occuring on these forums and that's great, so please don't take this as any type of flame. That being said, don't feel you need to push any bio-family on your son for the sole purpose of helping him to better understand his adoption. Adoptees will always have deep questions about being adopted for the rest of our lives, but ones that we need to search out on our own. He may even never ask but just convey to him that if has questions or wants to know more about his birth family, it's not an act of betrayal on his part or a rejection of you as his one and only mother.

Regardless of him being of the same race and even having similar features as his adoptive family, HE will know he's adopted. Just don't make him FEEL like he's adopted.

And don't think you need to be both good parents AND good adoptive parents. Just be yourselves and the BEST parents you can be.

I hope I helped answer a few questions.

Chris

[CTdave]

I am a 42 year old adoptee (male). I have known I was adopted since I was around 10. I never felt different or was upset in any way. I just started a search for B mom & if it works out, great! If not, no sweat, I'm still the luckiest guy for everything I have in my life. The adoption was not "in my face". If I asked, I'm sure A parents would have told me anything. In my own and honest opinion, I defenately would not have wanted to hear about being adopted on a regular basis. I think that would make a person uncomfortable and self consious.

[elusivefugue]

I am 21 years old, and recently reunited with my birthfamily. I was in a closed adoption and searched for three years for my b-family. First off, an open adoption is the first thing you can do to make your child feel comfortable and happy. As a closed-adoptee, I never knew my heritage, family history, reasons for being relinquished, medical history, ANYTHING. This always made me feel that there was a big part of me missing. When people would say "I'm Irish" or "I'm German" I would have to say, "I'm adopted". Adoption affected my life in everyway, though lightly. Even when I switched doctors and I had to write down if anyone in my family had asthma or high blood pressure I'd always have to write "unknown; adopted."

It sounds like by reading books and things to your infant son and having a good relationship with his b-mom, you are at a major advantage already. My parents told me at a young age (3) that I was adopted. It made me feel different. They couldn't tell me why I was adoopted though, so in many ways I felt rejected. Since reuniting all of my questions have been answered. And the unanswered questions were always the hardest as I grew up.

Your son will have the opportunity to see pictures of people who resemble him, etc. Which is another big part of the complications with adoption. I always felt out-of-place. I resented being an outsider in my own family. Though my parents made it clear that they wanted me to have nothing to do with my b-mom. I think being honest, open, answering questions, and acknowledging that yes, your son may have some issues growing up, is the best thing you can do. Don't ever make him feel ashamed for his feelings about being adopted. That's the worst thing my a-parents did to me. My a-parents will always be my "real" parents, the ones wh raised me and that I have history with, but they like to deny that I have a history outside of them--that makes me feel guilty sometimes.

[InionGrinn]

Hi Poleczech! First things first, congratulations on being a new mom! Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood!

Thank you for posting your questions to adoptees for your son's benefit. What a caring, loving thing to do for your son.

Originally Posted by Poleczech

So here is my question(s): We want our son to grow up well-adjusted, always knowing about his adoption, loving and respecting both his birth and adoptive families, and not being ashamed of his adoption, or be defined by it. Knowing that hindsight is always 20/20, if you had the opportunity to grow up in an open adoption, having an on-going relationship with your birthfamily (including half-brothers), how would you like that relationship to go? Is there anything that we, as adoptive parents, can do to help our son understand his adoption, understand the reasons why his birthfamily chose an adoption plan and also understand why we wanted to adopt him, so that he doesn't grow up feeling like he doesn't fit in with his adoptive family nor feel abandoned by his birthfamily? We are all the same race, so there isn't any "obvious" signs that he is adopted by those that don't already know (in fact, many, many people comment on how he actually resembles my DH, because they do have similar features, eye color, and hair color).

I can give you some input from my experience, but IMO it is hard to for a closed adoption adoptee to know what an open adoption is like- I don't know what I would have wanted out of an open adoption arrangement. Sorry I won't be of much help there.

Having said that, I CAN however tell you a few things that I think helped/contributed to my well-being and healthy sense of self growing up as an adoptee.

1. Keep talking about adoption. YOU start the conversasion from time to time. Don't leave it up to the kid, sometimes we don't say whats on our minds.

2. Talk about the hard stuff. My parents had dialogue with us as kids about the stupid things others would say "your real parents didn't want you" and those ouchys. We fleshed it out, talked about how that was wrong, etc. There are a few comments I remember kids making that 'bit' a little, but I was always prepared with an answer/retort/little education for them.

3. Celebrate your childs 'different-ness' AND 'sameness'. He can have both biological traits that make him unique and are worth talking about and also stuff he gets from you guys. It even gives me comfort to this day when my (a) dad says "you're just like me when it comes to..." Makes me feel included.

Those are the biggies from my experience. Also, you can't make your child have the perfect life. Even if they feel they don't 'fit' at times, its probably not any failing on your part. Dont ALL people not 'fit' at one time or another?!

Great thread.

[whitsunday15]

Hi Poleczech! I agree with InionGrinn in that it's hard for us closed adoption people to know what it's like to be in an open adoption. But, here's what I think.

I guess one thing that bothers me as an adoptee, is when people try to define my relationships with other members of my family for me. I resented the fact that my aparents tried to forget that I came from somewhere else and that I truly do have another family that made decisions on my behalf, out of love, to put me where I ended up.

From what you have written here, I don't think your son will ever have that resentment towards you. You seem very willing to be open and honest with him and that is a great thing. My 2 cents is to continue to respect where he came from. Love his biological family as a part of your own family. If my aparents had been willing to set aside their own insecurities and issues with infertility and embrace my entire biological family as an extension of their own, things would have been a whole lot different for me growing up. Even in a closed adoption.

[Poleczech]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate each one.

[Hillory]

I grew up in a closed adoption setting, however my brother was in an open adoption setting. That was really hard for me because we are only 18mo. apart. Anyways, I have always known that I was adopted and my parents always told me how amazing it was for them to be able to do such a thing...because otherwise they would not be parents. I don't remember learning on a specific day that I was adopted, we just always talked about it and I think that the thing that helped me the most is that my parents were always open and willing to answer questions. It's an amazing thing and I wouldn't want my life to be any different.
Congrats on your babyboy

[Senior Adoptee]

Poleczech: I was going to reply to your posting until I read the replies you've already received. You've found some great, well-centered supporters on here, who are giving you the right answers - especially Chris1965.

My dad and mom never gave me any reason to feel my being adopted made me any worse than my friends, or any better. They just got me by a different method. In my own mind, being adopted always made me feel inwardly special, because my mom and dad picked ME out of a multiple-choice situation. I knew they became parents because they wanted a child, and felt they were emotionally and financially ready to support one. How much better can it get than that?

They volunteered what information they felt I could absorb at those times, and never hesitated to give me a straight answer to any question I ever had.

My folks have been gone for decades now and I miss them daily. I think they'd be pleased that I managed to identify and locate my birth parents, because to do so, I had to learn there was a mystery around the fact my birth mother existed on no state records, then solve that mystery.

Adoptive parents are extra-good people - or should be. There's a special place in heaven for them.

[Poleczech]

Senior Adoptee, I just read your post and tears came to my eyes. Thank you so much!! I have wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember, and our son is the center of our lives.

We had a visit with my son's bmom yesterday -- it was the first one since he was 2 weeks old. She hugged and kissed him and couldn't believe how big he has grown. She looked so happy to see him and us, and when it came time to part and go home with a very sleep boy, she gave him parting hugs and kisses and told him to be good for his mommy and daddy. Then she gave me a huge hug. Wow!!

Thank you and thank all of your for your replys. I feel so much better knowing that I am on the right track.

[BrandyHagz]

Can I ask, why are you asking for feedback from closed adoption adoptees about open adoption?

They can speculate about how they might have felt, but the reality is, we can all say one thing, but then go in a totally different direction when faced with a situation.

I can't imagine having a closed adoption - not knowing my roots, a lot about where I came from, being able to address questions to my birthmother directly, rather than fantasize, which I hear a lot about on the forums...

I can't imagine how confusing it must be to be a part of a closed adoption - to me, it'd be like Santa or the Tooth Fairy - your parents tell you they exist...but you can't see them, so do they really?

Being a part of open adoption certainly helped me answer questions about myself before I even knew I had them. I know where my quirky personality traits come from...why I'm so flippin tall...and why I burn rather than brown when out in the sun.

No surprises here

[kakuehl]

I'm a birthmom, not an adoptee, but I do have a comment for you. I find as I read many of the threads, that sometimes the bparents seem to pull back and/or end contact as the children get older. (Probably for a variety of reasons). Please try to keep the communication lines open for the sake of your son.

Your relationship is starting well (I loved the description of your latest visit with the bom.) I would love to have had at least pictures of my son as he grew and to know that he could contact me when he was ready. My bson was supposedly matched with his parents because he would "match" family characteristics (I didn't have much say in the matching.) When we reunited, one of the best things for D was finding people he looked like. (So much for matching!) Actually he looks more like me than either of my other children. I think he also grew up wondering why his birth mother rejected him...something your son will not have to face.

After 33 years, I can finally tell D's parents how much I appreciate them and honor them as the parents of my first born son.

[amytwice]

Dear Cheryl~

It sounds like you are asking good questions. And I am amazed by the situation you have with the birth mother.

It is important for you to bring up adoption and let your son know you're comfortable talking about it. But be careful not to always be reminding him. Let him feel so secure he can forget. I remember I used to forget sometimes. It was such a wonderful feeling. It is a sign of security to me. When you almost have to be reminded your adopted because the people in your family have accepted you so well and with such love.

My adoption was technically closed but my parents knew the names and addresses of my bparents. Finding them was incredibly easy for me. Since you are in contact with the birth mother your son will have that going for him when he's ready to reunite.

I don't want to sound like a wet blanket but growing up is very hard. Even when you're not adopted. My parents asked me to wait until I was out of high school to find my biological family. This was the best thing they ever could have done for me. Imagine trying to work out the dynamics of two families when you're a teenager. It doesn't mean you can't keep in touch with the birthmother but I think it's a very delicate balance to do it well. Your new son needs to feel secure in the family he is in now. Trying to find your place in two families could overwhelm him.

He has his whole adult life to connect and bond with his birth family. You are not taking that from him. Let him grow up as easily as possible. Reassure him of your love and your support. The emotions he will be feeling will be big. I just think an older age is better. I can't imagine being in 5th grade and trying to figure all this out.

I'm sure there will be people who disagree with me. I'm only speaking from my own experience. In my situation older was better. I know if I ever adopted a child I would have them wait. That's the best I can tell you. I would do the same as my parents.

It sounds like your little guy is very fortunate.
Best of Luck
Amy

[Poleczech]

[quote=BrandyHagz]Can I ask, why are you asking for feedback from closed adoption adoptees about open adoption?

They can speculate about how they might have felt, but the reality is, we can all say one thing, but then go in a totally different direction when faced with a situation.

[quote]

The main reason I was looking for replies from those who grew up in closed adoptions is that I wanted to know how they would have wanted things to go so I can take as much as possible into consideration as I raise my son. I guess I'm trying to see things from as many perspectives as possible -- maybe I am over thinking things, but I thought if I could get these perspectives, it would help me as a mother.

[Senior Adoptee]

Brandy: I have no facts to back this up, but if your adoption was an open one, I'd be willing to bet it happened in the "modern" era. I don't know if this was even an option in the 1940s. I grew up knowing a minimum of details - my birth name, my mother's age and that she was unable to take care of me for unspecified family reasons. That was perfectly fine with me, even though I've had an insatiable curiosity to know "things" since I was a kid.

As I aged, sometimes I'd wonder if on my birthday my birth mother ever wondered what happened to that infant. Having no facts to support any theory, I've always felt "no" was the correct answer. It was too long ago. Was I curious? Of course! But nobody had answers, so I didn't waste my time worrying about what cannot be.

Now that I'm older, I'm learning to understand the morals of my birth mother's era; they explain why she went to such great lengths to make sure as few people as possible ever found out. She was of a different era than me - a fact I cannot change.

It has, however, been interesting to be able to pool the human and technology resources and learn what steps she took to disappear, then learn she's still alive with a "real," devoted family of her own. That she chooses to not confess to them that I ever happened is ok, too. That's her right. She does not "owe" a reveleation to her world.

I've known the correct facts for four months, but now I'm coming to regret not calling off the dogs 24 hours earlier. I know exactly where I could have clsoed the book, but did not.

I'm content to assign all my personality traits to the wonderful mom and dad who guided me all but two weeks of my life, who taught me everything I need to know, who showed me doors of opportunity and explained what's behind them, then let me make my own choices.

That nothing I've ever seen or learned explains how I became to be tall, trim and blonde-haired is ok. The older I get, the less I concern myself with things I cannot change and focus on that which I can change.