[cnb1099]

As an adoptee who is about 6 months into reunion I thought it would be interesting to hear from others in reunion. My question is this..if you could give just one piece of advice to those who are awaiting reunion or first face to face, something you wish someone would have said to you before your rollercoaster ride, what would it be?

Mine is this: You will really have to learn and comprehend the concept of patience. I thought having 2 small children that I knew all about being patient. Then I was reunited and found out that I had none whatsoever. There is no timeframe on a reunion, and everything happens at its own pace and it is different for everyone. So slowly, very slowly for me, I am coming to terms with the hurry up and wait game. But in the long run it the relationship we will build will be worth the wait.

I would love to hear from all sides of the triad on this!

[prairieman]

Excellent question cnb!

Now that I am 10 years in, and just recently found the last missing link (half-sister), I think I can provide some good advice.

Hope for the Best and prepare for the worst.

Don't force anything, let the reunion and the building of a relationship take it's natural course.

If things start to get strange, remember that it is a strange situation to begin with, most people have never and will never endure what we have.

Don't be afraid to say who nelly, let's slow down a bit.

Don't be angry when the above is said to you, remember that in some cases you or the memory of you has been long supressed/repressed.

The Roller Coaster ride never really ends, and that is ok

[InionGrinn]

I got great advice from a reunited adoptee right before my reunion, I'll pass it on.

"you can prepare yourself for all kinds of scenarios in your reunion, but you will never be prepared for the emotional feeling, the love you may feel for someone who you never met before"

So I went into it prepared to be unprepared. And am riding all this out now. It was true - I did have an immense, innate love for this woman. I wanted to hold her close and smell her, hear her voice....

[Jan18]

I like the patience advice. Lord know I needed it when things started to stall. And expect the unexpected. I thought I knew my story, the story that the adoption agency told my parents. Then I heard my 'real story', not a bad story, but not the beautiful picture the agency painted for my parents. Also, I had a slight identity crisis for a few weeks, but got through it. Don't be afraid to seek counseling/therapy. A therapist is the only person you can talk to who is not emotionally invested in your reunion. You'd be surprised how many people will be influence by your reunion. Friends that I have had from childhood who wanted to search for me when I didn't, were full of emotion and opinion when I jumped on the reunion roller coaster. My therapist was the only one who could comment and not have an emotional attachment to what was going on!

[lostinalberta]

I found my birth mother 18 years ago, and it resulted in a huge emotional upheaval for me as nothing I had been told was true. It was awkward and unsettling at first, and although I could speak about many things I will not deter you from finding out your own way how it will be for you. My only advice would be prepared for anything.

[deanac24]

I think the best piece of advice I can give is to be prepared. I havent found my birthmom yet but I have heard and read stories where the reunion turned out to be a happy ending but others werent so happy. Either the birthmom ended up rejecting them or they were deceased. You really have to be prepared for whatever the outcome is.

[kune]

For me the best adive would be Don't presume - Ask!!!
So many times I, and others who post on the forums make assumptions or guesses on how the other is feeling or reacting. If in doubt, ask - knowledge is empowering.

Regards - Ann

[sstuart]

I can not give advice as I have not yet had a reuion. But I hope to have one soon. I just think that as a birthmother I have missed the developmental times in her life, but I have not missed her whole life. 21 years (hopefully) is just a start to her life and if I meet her soon enough, We can still get to know each other and be a special part of each others lives.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by cnb1099

As an adoptee who is about 6 months into reunion I thought it would be interesting to hear from others in reunion. My question is this..if you could give just one piece of advice to those who are awaiting reunion or first face to face, something you wish someone would have said to you before your rollercoaster ride, what would it be?

Mine is this: You will really have to learn and comprehend the concept of patience. I would love to hear from all sides of the triad on this!

As a bmom, mine would be to be told that there is the stage of stepping back/pulling back after the adoptee has met you. I was totally phased by it when it happened, but fortunately for me, it didn't last very long, but the effects were devastating on me.

I go along with Kune, don't presume, ASK!!! That has always cleared the way for myself and my son. Also, I wish I could have known about the book Adoption Reunion survival Guide by Julie Bailey et al. That would have helped A LOT!!! Am glad I wasn't introduced to the Primal Wound early on, only just managed to get my head round that one, but saying that, it gave me valuable insight to most things going on in my son's head.

I wish I'd have known about this website too. I only found it by googling when in a desperate state and waiting far too long to see a counsellor.

I wished some organisation/adoption agency/ counsellor could have prepared me better for what was about to come. There was precious little preparation for it, other than to go for reunion and then stand back as the tsunami hits.........

[Mil]

I have been in reunion with my bson now for 5 1/2 yrs. and I must say, I'm one of the luckiest people in the world. We had an immediate connection and love for each other. But that's not to say there were not bumps in the road or that it was not an emotional rollercoaster.

For me the best adive would be Don't presume - Ask!!!

I think the above quote by Kune is one of the most important things to remember in a reunion. Some things were extremely hard to ask or answer, but my son and I asked what we needed and in the long run cleared the air in many ways. For example, when we met I had twin grandsons who were 2 1/2. What were we going to do with that situation??? Were they gonna think of me as a grandma and call me that? My bson's adoptive parents are alive and well and very involved. While it was extemely hard to ask, I did.

I was also very lucky in that my son and I both seemed to want to do things at the same pace. We met face to face 10 days after our first phone conversation and had many visits back and forth that first year. And still do.

I guess the one thing I didn't expect was to go back and really grieve the loss of his childhood. I thought I had grieved and put his adoption in perspective the first few years after he was placed, but when I met him face to face and there was this adult man standing in front of me, it hit me right between the eyes what I had missed. It took well over a year (probably more!) to try to get perspective on that. It's still something I wrestle with at times. But I may have missed the first 27 yrs. of his life, but I have the rest of my life to enjoy him and his family.

We are at a very comfortable place right now and I will reiterate - I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

I wish everyone the best of luck in their reunions. They're well worth the effort you have to put into them.

[kakuehl]

Try to remember that relationships are like Rome - not built in a day. My reunion with D has been incredibly positive with no pull backs so far. (Maybe because it took 32 years to reunite?) As someone has said, each reunion is unique. It's helpful to remember that while there is an incredible bond between us (sometimes the strength of it still takes me by surprise) we are still strangers. I am D's bmom but he is an adult and I don't offer "motherly" advice unless asked (or at least I try not to do so!). He has a mother who does that. (As my mom used to say, when you're 70 and I'm 90, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do.)

Be prepared for constant surprises. As Mil said,

I guess the one thing I didn't expect was to go back and really grieve the loss of his childhood. I thought I had grieved and put his adoption in perspective the first few years after he was placed, but when I met him face to face and there was this adult man standing in front of me, it hit me right between the eyes what I had missed. It took well over a year (probably more!) to try to get perspective on that. It's still something I wrestle with at times.

. When I held D's infant son after he was born, I was surprised by the wave of grief that overwhelmed me. Holding Z took me back to the one time that I was allowed to hold D. (That happened only because I insisted before I signed the final papers.)

Let your relationship be a journey of discovery. Mine has gone well so far! (D and his family will be here over Presidents weekend!)

[PastorStephanie]

Wow, this thread is a gold mine of great advice. I will add my two cents: While reunion can be are thrilling, healing and beauitful, they don't fix everything.

I have a great relationship with my entire bfamily- just what I had always hoped for but my bfamily is not the instant solution for all my needs. I have felt my tendency over the last ten years to stake too much on my bfamily, especially my bmother. I learned that there are many hurts in life that no one but I (by God's grace) can fix.

[kune]

Mil
Fantastic post - Sounds like a fantastic reunion too. I thought I had processed my loss over the years and was surprised with the grief that emerged after reunion. I think it was a way to honestly realise what was missed, a time to reflect on what was, but also to realise what was possibly ahead. The fear of NOT making a lasting connection was so real. I had a taste of knowing him, and I was so afraid it would not be forever.

5 years down the track I have a great relationship with him - not necessarily a mother / son relationship but definitely a friendship that will endure. I feel blessed and content with what I have.

To those that are just beginning ...........I'm hoping all your dreams come true.

Regards
Ann

[alphagal]

People have posted some great stuff on here!

One thing for sure is to have patience and really believe the obsession fades with time. I have been on this site for 1.5 years now and have read some great and not so great stories on reunion. Your personal journey will always be different. But this forum is the best place to let your emotions out and receive comfort and UNDERSTANDING.
I don't think I've ever been on this forum and thought, 'no one understands what i'm going through'.
Just let it all hang out and work through all your emotions.
cheers!

[cnb1099]

I decided to bump this thread up. I am now a year and a half into a reunion which has been, trying and emotional, and totally exasperating to say the least.

My "advice" to myslef when I started this thread was that I needed to be patient because the outcome was worth the wait...now I am starting to have my doubts.

Anyone have any comforting words of wisdom for me?