[beth9927]

Hi. I'm not sure where to post this, but here goes. I'm an adoptive mom with a 20 month old son. His birthmom and I agreed on myself sending pictures and letters. So far things are going well with our relationship. His bmom writes and sends pictures of her other children as well. My question is, although I plan to always tell my son he is adopted from the get go, do I also reveal that I'm writing to his bmom and vice versa? Will that be more confusing? I'm saving all her letters and making copies of the ones I send and saving it all for him. I thought I could give it to him when he turns 18.............what do you think? I just want to do what is best and I don't want to give my son any reason to resent me. ..............also, bmom is a cocaine addict............so this is another part of my reasoning for no direct contact....Any help from adoptees who have been there?
Thanks,
Beth

[ocracoke]

First I want to say that I think it is great that you are doing this. The contact, the photos, the letters. Saving those things in the moment is so much better then trying to recall them later when you want to share it with your child.

I am not sure you want to assign a random time when you will share them with your son though. The day before his 18th birthday will not be much different then the day of his 18th birthday. It is the legal age of majority but it is still random. What if he is not ready at 18 to see these things? What if it will really help him through something at 13? Save them. Keep them safe. And share them when it feels right not just because that is the plan. Until he is 18 you can control the direct contact and only you can judge what is best for your child. But seeing pictures of his siblings or knowing that you are communicating with his bmother may be helpful at a different stage in his life then 18.

Best of luck,
Samantha

[beth9927]

Thanks Samantha,
Very helpful post.......so you think as long as I share the info at the appropriate time he won't feel like I've been hiding something from him. I just don't want him to be shocked I never told him, but on the other hand I want what would be best emotionally as well. I'm definitely not stuck on age 18. Also, to add to my questions, is it best to reveal that he has 2 bio siblings and one half sibling when he is small or is that best left when he is older and it comes up? His bio parents are raising the 2 full siblings which make me worry he'll wonder why they raised them and not him. To make a long story short, bio mom isn't supposed to have contact due to drug use, but is secretly living with bio dad who has custody of the kids. I don't really want to relay that info to my son unless I have to........sorry to ramble I just really want to do the right thing.
Thanks again,
Beth

[ocracoke]

My personal belief is that you should as few secrets as possible. Start now telling him he has siblings. Explain that they live somewhere else. Make it age appropriate. When he starts asking about his bmom tell him "your bmom told me..." When he gets to the stage where he asks "when did she tell you..." be honest. Never lie. Take his cue. When he asks about seeing her explain why you are not going to allow it at this time. Honesty and as few secrets as possible but keep it age appropriate. Just my opinion.

Samantha

[BrockBaby]

As an adoptee, I agree with Samantha's advice. I think that naturally answering questions truthfully is the best policy. If he asks you if you know his bmom, be honest about it. I think as an adoptee the worse thing is everyone acting like "the adoptee can't handle it". It's usually the not knowing that the adoptee's can't handle. But, you know the personality of your child, and would have his best interest in mind, so you must use your best judgement. My one word of advice is not to allow any fears of him wanting to know or love his bmom more then you, keep you from sharing with him when the time is right. YOU are his mother, and YOU will remain his mother, and he will continue to LOVE you, regardless of his feelings about his bmom. I applaud you for what you are doing for your son!!!

[beth9927]

Thanks for all the help. It really means a lot to hear from people who have been there.

Beth

[quilliam]

It's the lies told to the Adoptee about their birth family that hurts more than the Truth (sometimes).