[RiverGal]

Deb, if that does not happen, how will you cope with the not knowing.....how will you learn to live with it and find the peace and rest instead of all the tormenting questions.....

shef ~ I feel like I have a great deal of peace, in spite of the lack of contact. While the questions will always be dancing around in my head, I have the answer to the most pressing one of all...that she is safe...that she grew into a woman and has a life of her own. The actual torture for me was not knowing this.

For me, it is all about reality. I just remind myself that I have to deal mainly in "what is"...not in "what I wish it was." Not always an easy task, but the only option for me to have peace.

September is a time of reflection, as it is her birth month. I look at it from a bittersweet perspective. What's important is that she is okay...that's the main focus. But this is the month that I "allow" myself the pondering of those small details. Honestly, if I entertained the unanswered questions too much, they would eat me up. Self preservation.

your heart has been thinking about her so much....I am not sure my mother could allow herself to do that.....

And there was a time that I could not, either. We were told to "move on." We were told that looking back was the wrong thing to do...that once we relinquished, we no longer had any right to expect a part in that child's life. Many birth mothers bought into that. They closed themselves off from any conscious feelings...never spoke of the loss...of the child. Wore the "label," so to speak, hidden deeply inside. Once again, self preservation.

When your letter arrived, your birth mother must have felt a ton of emotions. She was forced to open that box...to step out for a time and face the reality of her choice all those years ago. It sounds like she had a lot of things that had not been worked out. I'm so sorry that you were left hurt and confused by all of it. And I am even more sorry that you can never have this conversation with her.

How I wish I could ease that empty place in your heart! No matter how well adjusted we may be in the other areas of our lives, no matter how much peace we may find from day to day, there is that one little place that nothing seems to fill. KWIM?

Even though I don't have the answers, I just want you to know that I "hear" you...and I am glad you are here.

~Deb