[snuffie]

I was at a party this past weekend and the subject of adoption came up. I mentioned that I am a reunited adoptee and a young girl (in her 20's) said "I'd never do that to my amom". And went on and on about how awful it would be to do that etc. I tried to explain my side but didn't get anywhere.
I can understand non-adoptees not understanding. But an adoptee?
What would have been a good thing to say? Or just ignore the whole thing.

[Alli_Driscoll]

It's a tough thing to try and explain that need to search and reunite to another adoptee. My husband is an adoptee and he doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. Of course, I can't fathom having absolutely no interest in finding bfamily. I don't think that you can make this person understand why it's important to you. All that matters to me is that my husband understands that it IS important and supports me even if he doesn't get where i'm coming from. Did that make any sense at all? LOL sometimes I can get to rambling. Hope that helped some.

Alli

[wilted rose]

Hey Snuffie, I think after her response to your position, it was lookin' rather grim'? I have been finding myself avoiding alot of people for this exact reason, I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I find it so close to my heart and I just know that certain people are not able to share it with me, including some close to me. So for now I just steer my part of the converstion elsewhere.
Hugs
Rose

[sal]

One thing that crossed my mind when I read this thread... is that I wouldn't have been ready to search in MY 20's and might have thought the very same thing.........but now with my old age wisdom and my happy reunion with bmom, bsibs and extended bfamily (at the ripe age of 48......5 years ago)... if I ever have the same experience..........I'd just say that I used to feel that way too........but then things changed for me.....adding that I can't imagine my life now WITHOUT my bfamily in it.....and leave it at that......It's funny how some people feel the need to "correct" another person's feelings isn't it?........sal

[Jan18]

I agree with the last poster. In my early 20's, I would and did say the same things. I am too immature to think of finding my bmom. Luckily for her I waited until I was more of an "adult". Everyone has the right to their opinion. I may have just said, check back with me in about 5-10 years when you want to search and then we can swap stories!!

[snuffie]

Thanks everybody! All great ideas!
I think sometimes that I am so excited (still) about my reunion that I feel bad when others don't feel the same way.

[susiesgirl]

in my 20s that is when thigns were just beginning to happen in my life married in 90 1st child 91 2nd child 92 and i missed out on having my bmom go thru these things with me. She is going thru it with my sis and i admit it makes me jealous as heck.

[ripples]

Hi Snuffie,

Originally Posted by snuffie

"I'd never do that to my amom". And went on and on about how awful it would be to do that etc.

I'd probably just shrug and agree to disagree. Sometimes others, adoption triad and non-adoption triad people, just don't get it and I'm tired of hitting my head against a brick wall. Sounds like your 20-something party girl was a bit like me in my 20s - highly opinionated, immature and ignorant.

[alphagal]

The best is to ignore comments like those. At my current job, someone made the comment they would never adopt because "you don't know what you will get". I realized then I wasn't going to waste my time explaining anything to this person. Nor open up about my situation.

People can be ignorant on issues. The young lady might disagree now, but in a few years, what you said to her might make an impact.

Good for you for speaking about being adopted!!!

[abcg1977]

I would have reminded her I had lived longer (if you had)...So I have more experiance in my own shoes... And, I would remind her of just that...They are YOUR OWN SHOES!!! Your choice! And , you deserve that just as much as she deserves the right to keep to herself and NOT look.

I am so sick of judgmental and close minded people...You were not DOING something TOO your a-mom you were doing something FOR YOURSELF...

Good luck...just try not to let people like her hurt you...She obviously needs to stay in mama's good graces or she would be supported to find herself or support other's who choose too without seeing it as a slap in her mother's face...

[heartbeat]

That would bother me, too. I hope I would be able to remember that, on the continuum of life from 1-100, she's still basically a child. I'd probably point out that we're all different people with different opinions, desires, etc. If other people appeared interested, I'd slightly adjust my body alignment so it was more towards them, and continue talking with them.
I hope you don't let anyone rain on your parade. People can be so insensitive that I wonder what in the world they can be thinking sometimes. Like the times I'd share with someone that I couldn't have kids and they'd imply how lucky I am not to have to deal with diapers, teething, etc. Did they genuinely think they were comforting me by letting me know that I wasn't missing anything?? <shakes head>

Warmly, heartbeat

[WLD]

(QUOTE)She obviously needs to stay in mama's good graces or she would be supported to find herself or support other's who choose too without seeing it as a slap in her mother's face...

__________________

Just wondering what this means???? Okay, i'm one of those amoms and I hope my son doesn't think that he has to stay in my good graces by not searching if that is HIS desire. I personally would not be insulted. I WOULD probably go through a ton of emotions, maybe similar to what adoptees go through, I don't really know. I know there are times when i find nuggets in the paper or wherever about my son and i'm cutting them out and putting them in "his" box in hopes that it will help him when he is older, i do shed a tear. Out of jealousy? out of anger? maybe, a little but mainly out of love. Love for a boy that i want to be happy and feel loved, even if that means my place in life may or may not diminish with the years and even if it means that i will share him with someone else soon. jealous? maybe if the fact that i didn't get to hold and nurture him when he was born and didn't have someone to do that for him. Anger? yeah, but i'm working on that and it is not directed to him. It's directed at the situation and circumstances that were dealt him, that he didn't choose. But i pray that he will never feel that he cannot be honest with me about his feelings just to stay in my good graces or to keep from hurting me. Because whatever i'm feeling, i'm a big girl, i can get over it or work through it. But he will always be my 'little' boy.

[Beboparoo]

Originally Posted by WLD

(QUOTE)She obviously needs to stay in mama's good graces or she would be supported to find herself or support other's who choose too without seeing it as a slap in her mother's face...

__________________

Just wondering what this means???? Okay, i'm one of those amoms and I hope my son doesn't think that he has to stay in my good graces by not searching if that is HIS desire. I personally would not be insulted. I WOULD probably go through a ton of emotions, maybe similar to what adoptees go through, I don't really know. I know there are times when i find nuggets in the paper or wherever about my son and i'm cutting them out and putting them in "his" box in hopes that it will help him when he is older, i do shed a tear. Out of jealousy? out of anger? maybe, a little but mainly out of love. Love for a boy that i want to be happy and feel loved, even if that means my place in life may or may not diminish with the years and even if it means that i will share him with someone else soon. jealous? maybe if the fact that i didn't get to hold and nurture him when he was born and didn't have someone to do that for him. Anger? yeah, but i'm working on that and it is not directed to him. It's directed at the situation and circumstances that were dealt him, that he didn't choose. But i pray that he will never feel that he cannot be honest with me about his feelings just to stay in my good graces or to keep from hurting me. Because whatever i'm feeling, i'm a big girl, i can get over it or work through it. But he will always be my 'little' boy.

I wish my husband's mother (amom) was as secure of a parent as you. She loved him just as much I have no doubts, but was no way as secure.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by snuffie

II mentioned that I am a reunited adoptee and a young girl (in her 20's) said "I'd never do that to my amom". And went on and on about how awful it would be to do that etc. I tried to explain my side but didn't get anywhere.

"Me thinks (s)he doth protest too much." - Shakespeare

Sometimes people argue when they are feeling the need to be defensive about their own position. No doubt she has gotten messages that searching is hurtful to adoptive parents.

[snuffie]

I agree. I know when I first found my bfamily a couple of co-workers who are also adoptees made some comments. But after a while they both came to me to ask questions about my search and reunion. And one even wanted some help to begin her own search. She told me that hearing of my search and reunion brought up some buried feelings of her own that she needed to deal with.