[chautkiz02]

hey everyone, i've never been on any type of forum thing so im really new to this....

I am 18, and my "parents" just told me i am adopted. I am still feeling confused and so many questions are going through my head right now.

I just wanted to know who else is out there, i guess i just need anyone to talk to, help sort things out.

i have NO idea about my real family at all, and i doubt theres any hope in finding them.

i guess the main question thats going through my head is "why wait so long to tell me?" i never saw any of this coming. and just the usual curious questions....

thanks everyone!

[MMC66]

I really don't have any advice for you but at 18, you're facing enough big life changes and that was some HUGE news, your head must be swimming.

You will find some great support and insight on this board, hang in there

Martha

[chautkiz02]

Thanks so much! I'll try....

[MrsSmith]

Hi Chautkiz02,

Welcome to the forums! I can't imagine how your head must be spinning right now, wow! I also was adopted, but have always known that fact, so it was never dropped on me in one big surprise like that. I can only guess that your parents wanted to wait to tell you until they thought you were old enough to understand and handle the news........ You know how "18" is the magic age...

When I read your post, two things struck me - one is how you put "parents" in quotes like that, and the other is how you spoke of your "real family" meaning your birth family. I would like to offer to you that your adoptive parents - the ones who raised you - ARE in fact your parents and are as REAL a family as it gets. Yes, you have a birthfamily out there, and perhaps you will search for them, find them and get to know them. That does not lessen the fact that your adoptive parents are the ones who have been there for you for the last 18 years and doesn't make them any less "real" than they were before you found out that you were adopted.

I'd suggest that you take some time to process all this, and talk with your parents. Ask the questions you are asking here - Why did they wait so long to tell you? What do they know about your birthfamily? and the millions of other questions that must be buzzing through your head. Just please, and I'm speaking not just as an adoptee but also as an adoptive parent here, please don't push your parents away. I'm guessing that they were more scared about telling you the news about being adopted than you will ever know, and that they are walking on eggshells about your reaction and how this might change how you feel. I understand how you could be angry about them keeping this from you - I totally and completely understand that! - but please don't do anything rash that will be hard to take back later.

I wish you strength and peace as you face the coming days and weeks - you've got a lot to deal with and it certainly won't be easy. Hang in there, and take care!

Heather

[wilted rose]

Dear chautkiz02,
Wow! The important thing to remember is you are not alone! However you are entitled to feel however, whenever, and whatever you feel. Perhaps you need to take some time to process this information, so do take the time. You need to give yourself permission to ask any and all questions you may have. From my own experience I would suggest you be patient with yourself. This support system here has been and continues to be a lifeline for me. Keep posting because getting your thoughts and feelings out there is part of the processing that ultimately leads to healing, and you'll find that there are many caring hearts to be found here.
Wilted rose

[wilted rose]

As I was posting my reply I had a chance to read the other posts; again You have every 'right' to feel what you feel. Perhaps the way you have written things down is a expression of how you feel today, and that is perfectly ok.
Wilted rose

[chautkiz02]

thanks to both mrs. smith and wilted rose!

i didnt even notice that i said "real family" i most def. do NOT mean that. i know that the family i have been with my entire life is my true family, and i am very grateful to them. As to talking to them, my situation is a little different. Honestly, we just don't talk about things in my family...its the basic ground rule. I can be very objective at times and even if I did go talk to my parents it would make them feel way more uncomfortable than i am sure they do now. They know that i view them as my real family.

I've never felt close to my mother that I live with, i could never explain it, but i didnt. Apparently, during the first 3-4 years i stayed with my aunt and uncle (in india) and you know how people say that those bonds created when you're very young are the strongest? Well, I always kinda wondered bc i always felt closer to my family in india than i do to my parents here. Maybe thats a bit of a stretch...i am not sure.

Also, my mom told me that when she "got" me I had a condition on my fingers...shes not sure what but she said thats she's pretty sure that this condition "only comes if a mother had too many children. " she kinda just said it matter-of-factly, as if she didnt quite grasp the implication of that--that i could have some brothers/sisters?

Oh, AND my birth mom dropped me off at the orphanage when i was just 10 days old. 10 days!! I guess I wasn't good enough to keep for even 2 weeks....

thanks guys for responding/helping me! (sry this was a bit long...)

[wilted rose]

It's not too long! You have so much to sort out! I was adopted when I was young as well. I identify very much with you not bonding with your adopted Mother. I remember asking her one day I feel like you don't love me like your own children? She never answered me, I was only eight. I was taken from my Mother and eight brothers and sisters back in the sixties because they were poor and uneducated and convinced that this would be best. I will be forty-one this year and have been reunited with my bio family now for a year and a half. For me when I looked into my Mothers eyes nothing else mattered. Nature or Nuture? I've never been happier!

[chautkiz02]

aww im so happy for you! that must feel amazing.

i am positive i'll never know my biological mother....she dropped me off in an orphanage, in india, 18 years ago and apparently the orphanage doesnt have any info on her either. So, no one knows anything.

I am curious as to whether she was like a teen-mom, or a victim of rape, or stable but didn't want to deal with me....so many possible scenarios!

When did your parents tell you were adopted, what were your first reactions/responses?!? Sorry if I am prying but I am just not sure if what I am thinking right is normal, mean, or whatever.

[wilted rose]

Your not prying at all! I guess that's what is wonderful about these forums. It's a 'refuge in the storm' so to speak. I found out I was adopted when I was five. My playmate actually told me while our Mothers were having tea. I remember her saying that it was going to be a surprise. As I ran into the house to ask if it was true my mother went on to say how I was special because they chose me. As I look back now remembering that day I knew I was supposed to feel glad however I know that put into motion what I felt at my core: was I unspecial before and why? However at that age I wasn't aware how to express that, but it played out over time and the sense of void. chautkiz02, whatever you are feeling deserves to be acknowledged, perhaps its the not knowing right now that is at the forefront. Just a thought, the fact that your b mom dropped you at an orphanage may not mean she has forgotten you and has not suffered in this loss. If you are unable to find her maybe, if you choose you may make contact with a birth member. I, as many do understand the many questions you are facing. Continue to stay in touch with this support group, honestly that is a good deal.
Wilted rose

[Pinakitha]

Originally Posted by chautkiz02

Oh, AND my birth mom dropped me off at the orphanage when i was just 10 days old. 10 days!! I guess I wasn't good enough to keep for even 2 weeks....

...)

I am sure that, if she held on to you for 10 days, she had hoped to find a way to keep you.

The very fact that she didn't dump you in a public toilet, in a trash can or a shop front - but made the effort to take you somewhere where she was sure you would be cared for, where someone would find you a loving home, with parents who were older, settled & stable and had the material means to raise you shows that she tried her best.

HOWEVER ... this story you've been told doesn't ring true to me. It all sounds rather weird. Perhaps you should clarify this with your mom and dad?

PLEASE ... NEVER think that there was something wrong with you, or that you were worthless simply because your bmom might have been very young & vulnerable & unable to care for you at that time. I am sure that she had to make a very difficult decision back then and it may well have been tough for her.

Yes, your aparents ARE your parents but - & I am going to be controversial and contradict the forum administrator here (sorry) by saying that BOTH sets of parents are your "real" parents. They are just parents in different ways.

You are 18. You have just been given a big shock. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Take your time to process this, speak with other adoptees here & just try to enjoy your life.

As for doing anything with the news you've been given. Well, I would wait a while until you know a bit more (perhaps until you are a bit older?) and then decide what you will or won't do.

Sorry you have had such a big shock. I guess your parents were scared that if they told you before now, you would love them the less for it. You will need to reassure them too now.

As for not getting on with your mom ... I would think LOTS of teenagers don't get on with their parents at this time in their lives. Perhaps things will change when you are a bit older?

[chautkiz02]

you don't think the story seems true?!? i dont know, my mom just said that the only bit of information they know from the orphanage about my family is that i was dropped off at approx. 10 days old (i guess they can estimate that sort of thing?)

And just to get a dumb question out of the way...My b-day really isn't my b-day is it?!

thanks for all your advice, contradictory as it may seem, i am kinda feeling all of the emotions that everyone has posted on here...

i know for sure my parents are completely reassured now....i know that most 18 yr olds aren't "close" with their parents, but our family as always been pretty distant...i guess i always did feel kinda seperated and it might relate to what i said in my other post about my aunt/uncle in india. (but thats just my theory)

Apparently my mom was the one who didnt want to tell me bc she was really scared, whereas my dad wanted to tell me when i was 15 (not much better, but still) And my brother, who is 10 yrs older than me, has of course, always known. I asked him if hes told anyone (just seems pretty personal right now, i could be overdramatisizing it) and he said that his girlfriend knows, and alot of "the guys" at his company. i am kinda hurt. i've never been close to my brother either (bc of the age difference....when i turned 8 he was 18 and off to college) but who just goes around telling people (that aren't that close to him) that kinda thing? especially when its not even "his" to tell so to speak. And to think that i've met them so many times and they all knew and i didnt. grrr.

so that was pretty tangential...but thanks guys. You have no idea, just reading some of your posts helps me feel a little better, even though i KNOW i am not the only one, sometimes it feels like it.

<3 <3

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee but I had "always" known I was adopted. What a shock it must be to find out at 18.

I wonder if your aparents have any papers from your adoption? And I also wonder if the Aunt and Uncle you stayed with in India would have any information?

It is always difficult to talk with our aparents about our adoption no matter what kind of relationship we have with them. Some adoptive parents are very open about it all and others because of insecurity or fear are not. And that may be why they waited so long to tell you.

When I read about your bmom dropping you off at an orphanage in India I had a vision of a very scared, heartbroken young woman doing an extremely difficult thing. It must have been heart wrenching for her.

The "story" about your finger condition doesn't ring true to me at all. It sounds something like an "old wive's tale". It is sad sometimes the things we adoptees are told because people just don't "know" the real story.

I agree with the others. This is a wonderful place to come when you are hurting, sad, or just want to vent. Please keep posting.

Hugs
Snuffie

[ripples]

I can imagine the immense shock that you must be experiencing and my heart goes out to you. To have it sprung on you must have been really intense - now I imagine there's the surfacing of all kinds of emotions and questions.

I would agree that your adoptive parents didn't tell you earlier probably because they were afraid that the news would hurt you, or that prior to 18 somehow you wouldn't be able to absorb it, or that they were afraid that they would lose you. I have a friend who's married a woman who has a 3-year old boy from her estranged ex-husband and he's said that he worried about when and how to break the sad news to their boy.

Whatever the case, please know that you're in very supportive company here on this web site forum. Plus, there's another forum in this site about "How I Found Out" that might be helpful http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=528 Also, there are a lot of good books about adoption. I've certainly found that reaching out for support has been very helpful - I've sought counsellors, pastors, friends, family, chatrooms, post-adoption support groups, books, health practitioners, you name it! Some people have understood, some haven't, but I keep at it since, as another adoptee recognized, 'can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through it'.

Again, I feel for you in this emotionally tumultous time and please remember that you're not alone in this journey. Please allow yourself the space and time to feel your emotions.

[chautkiz02]

i am pretty sure my mom/dad don't know anything, i guess i could ask my family in india but i dont see them that often and its not exactly something you just email them about...we'll see.

and a little mini rant: (does anyone else feel the same way?)

i just want to MEET my mother and father, i am not even asking to KNOW them....yet. Which features do I get from whom? What were they LIKE? Was my mother weak to give me away, or strong? Does she even REMEMBER me? How do you have a baby, give her away, and then forget her for 18 years? HOW. Does my father even know? Does he even care? Did they just give me away bc I was a girl? Is she even alive? 10 days! I am sorry, I can't get over it. The fact that if only i could remember...i'd know a little bit more.

What I hate most is that there really is no way to find them, there is no connection...at all. i have no evidence...no city, no doctor, nothing.

and thanks ripples for that link...it helped.

<3 <3