[kibbygirl]

My ex-husband left when my son was 5 months old. My son is now 3 1/2 years old and my new husband just completed the adoption last month (we've been together since my son was about 14 months old). My son never saw his birth father after he was 5 months old and has only known his step-dad as "daddy."

When and how do i tell him about his birth father, especially because his birth dad has made no effort to make contact and willingly terminated his parental rights? I don't want to confuse him but I want to make sure i do the right thing.

Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks
Kim
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[NJNative]

Do you have pictures of him when he was a baby? Is his birth father in them? If so, then it will naturally flow as part of his birth story. Do you sit down with him and look at pictures of families, etc. from time to time? If not, it may be time to start.

My son is adopted, and since he was tiny child, we'd look at the pictures of the days and weeks after his adoption at 10 months. So I would say, "Oh look there's you as a baby with grandmom in front of the courthouse. That was the day we adopted you." Or "There's everyone waiting to meet you for the first time at the airport when I brought you home." So there was never a formal "telling" him that he was adopted.

That would be my advice on how to handle it. If you have pictures of his infancy and especially pictures of him with his adoptive dad at important moments, use them to tell the story. He won't get it all at once, the whole concept of having a biological father and an adoptive one and won't really understand. But over time, he'll ask questions, you will answer and it will complete the concept in his mind.

It's much more natural this way and less traumatic for everyone. And heck, at least you don't have to try to explain how he grew in some other lady's tummy -- that's a confusing issue for a little kid! Good luck!

Robin

[kibbygirl]

Thanks, that's a really good idea.

[taramayrn]

I think you need to tell him now. Just start slowly and tell him stories about his bdad and his "new" dad. I think he's young enough now to understand the situation in basic terms. So be honest with him but be sensitive. If he says "did my first daddy love me?" or "why did my first daddy leave me?" Be honest but at an age appropriate level. I like the idea of looking at pictures of his bdad and explaining who he is. Start now when he's young. Best of luck.
Sorry kind of rambled there...

[dndkmmon]

Now. Just sit him down and tell him there are all sorts of families, then tell him about his without putting his father down. The longer you wait the harder it will be for you and the more difficult it will be for him to deal with.

Good luck!

[bizzylilbee2]

I think it's important to tell him right away, even if he does not understand everything right now, the fact that later, everything will fall into place and be easy to accept, because he will know no different. Make it like an exciting story, and tell him, I was adopted and I knew for as long as I can remember, they were always open to questions I had, so it was easy for me, I never had to adjust to the shoke of finding out one day I was adopted. This seems to affect adoptees a great deal and can cause resentment later in life...so my advice is to tell him now..

[Lish71]

I would start telling him now rather than wait until he is older.

I am an adopted child. My adopted partents started telling me at a very eary age.

I don't know what I would have done if they had not told me and I found out by accident.

Lish71

[lostnsorrow]

i think that its very important to start out at a young age. even though he may not fully understand, it will be much easier on him to find out when he is young rather than later on in life. I cant remember when my parents told me i was adopted because they told me at such an early age, and i think that was for the best.

[eastendmommy]

Hi! Tell him now in a manner in which he can understand. My children knew for as long as I can remember that they had an older big brother out there somewhere. It just became so natural over a period of time...they would always say him in their prayers at night...I have recently located my oldest son and we are starting to have a relationship. It would be so hard to try and explain to my other children - now - that they have this older brother. It was just very natural from an early age. The older they got, the more questions they would ask about the 'situation' and they readily accepted it every step of the way. Start now!

Hugs, Tammi

[aray]

Hi - I have a similar situation. My son's bfather never had any part of my life or his. When I found out I was pregnant (age 18) and told him - we were already not speaking (we had a VERY short term relationship - pretty much a drunk night and a few calls after that - so not even a relationship) My son's father (afather) and I were also starting to get back together (we dated in highschool) and I was afraid to tell him - but he opened up his heart to both me and my son - he was there from the beginning - dr appts - lamaze - EVERYTHING - we were married when our son was 1-1/2 years old. 3 month later my son was adopted. He's only ever known his dad (adad) he's in all the pics from early on (hospital and such) My son is now 7 years old - we still haven't told him - it's not something we talk about - some people know and some don't. It's something we know we have to tell him - but aren't concerned about it right now. His bfather also voluntarily gave up rights w/out even thinking about it. We plan on going to see a cousiler before we are ready to tell him - to prepare ourselves - but as of right now - I don't really plan on telling him until he's much older (18 or so) personally I never want to tell him - but it is his right. And as I am currently seeking out the choice to give my unborn up for adoption (long story - posted under birthfamily support - "i'm a mother of 2 and pregnant - am I horrible for thinking adoption") I realize that I can't keep this news from him forever.

Now this is just our choice - there are a lot of similarities between our stories - however our relationship with the bfathers is much different.

Good luck and keep us posted as to what you do!

Please if you want to talk to me send me a PM and we can chit chat more - it might help both of us.

[taramayrn]

I have deleted a few posts which were in reference to the offensive term "sperm donor". While the birthfather Aray is referring to might not be the most upstanding citizen, it is rude and offensive to refer to him as a sperm donor. It is especially offensive to actual sperm donors as well as birthfathers.

Thank you...

[aray]

I posted an apology earlier, but I don't know if it was seen since I can't find it.

I would like to apologize for my termanology. I didn't mean to offend or insult anyone! I have looked at adoption from a much different perspective since I myself am looking at adoption for my unborn - I should've made that clearer in my 1st post.

My husband and I referred him as that due to the fact he had absolutly NOTHING to do with my life or my sons. It was pretty much a drunk one nighter and nothing more. And since my husband was with me since I was about 3 month pregnant and on - it was just 'easier' for us to refer to him as such.

Again - I am terribly sorry if I offended anyone! I can't apologize enough!

Please take my apology as a very sincere one!!

[healingfeeling]

don't be upset aray, you're still new to the forums

being politically correct can be challenging when emotions are involved.

Don't be stressed, you have the pretty little baby in your belly to take care of