[Sheila Moyer]

I thought I would share our story. My husband was adopted in 1957 in Tennessee. After waiting almost 3 years, we finally have come to the end of our search. There are still so many unanswered questions and guess there always will be. After his ** found out he was searching for her, she signed a contact veto stating she didn't want to dig up the past, this was after she sent us a letter from her attorney threatening legal action. She even tried to prevent us from making contact with my husbands older brother, who never knew about his younger brother. Luckily the state told her she could not include him on the veto and that it was up to him. We plan to eventually meet his brother and his wife. Actually, his wife is the only one that has welcomed us and seems happy about extended family. The bottom line is that I regret ever encouraging my husband to search because it has made things worse. He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which was probably caused partly by his am. Sorry to be so glum, but this is the down side to adoption. I get to be the one who takes the brunt of all of his anger!

[merrill1277]

Hello Sheila,

I'm so sorry... my heart goes out to you and your husband on the way things have worked out in his search. It must be so hard for him, and for you. Has he been able to find any ways to express his grief and channel his anger in healthy ways such as support groups, therapy, hobbies (art etc.). Also if he is now manifesting bpd traits and you are caught in the crossfire you need support too... in a big way. Coming here you obviously know that already, but there are also online support groups for people in relationships with those suffering from bpd traits that are very helpful. (I can relate but for me the relationship wasn't spousal). BPD Central is one. Even when the outcome of reunion is disheartening, it always helps to identify the issues/ feelings and allow oneself to grieve and learn how to channel the anger constructively. This is a hasty reply as I'm on my way out for the day. Time heals but support is needed to get through all this.

Merrill

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Sheila,
I am so sorry for your regret, and sorry that dh is taking out his anger on you.

On the flip side, I hope that in time he can find the peace he needs to be able to have less anger. I don't know how that peace comes, but, I know it can. I also hope that since he has had his diagnosis, he can be treated for his borderline personality disorder.

I'm happy for you and your dh that the wife is welcoming to extended family. I hope that is a heart warming experience for all of you, when you all do get to meet.

My best to your family in this painful time.

[pxichick92]

hi shelia,
you should not regret encurageing your husband to find his family. if his am does not want anything to do with him that is her loss as for his older brother they both deserve to at least meet eachother. You have not done anything wrong.

[heartened]

Sheila,

I'm curious if the therapist who diagnosed your husband as BPD specializes in counseling adoptees? I would strongly recommend having that diagnosis confirmed by a therapist who has a great deal of experience with adoptees. From what I've read recently, many of the criteria for BPD is identical to someone suffering from RAD (attachment disorder) and people are often misdiagnosed.

This comment

I get to be the one who takes the brunt of all of his anger!

really concerns me. NO ONE should be making you the brunt of their anger. Adoptee or not, he doesn't have the right to make you pay for his emotions. Being BPD or RAD or adopted or whatever is not an excuse which allows us to victimize others. I sincerely hope that you are taking care of yourself as you try to take care of him.

[vicrose]

Hi Sheila,
I'm so sorry that you and your husband had to go through what you went through with the natural mother; I too, had a similar experience with my natural mother a few years back....and even though the feeling of rejection lingers a little bit now and then...the sting from the pain has almost gone away....and I hope that in time...your husband will feel better...sometimes what we search for is not what we find...I hope that he is able to build on the relationship with his brother and his wife....and I'm sorry that you have to be the brunt of his anger....nobody should have to deal with another's anger in this manner....I wish you all the love and patience while you are going through this situation....Brenda

[ripples]

Hi Sheila,
I feel for both you and your husband. I fully agree with all the others who say that you should not have to bear the brunt of his anger. Perhaps the following web site might provide some helpful insights http://www.bensoc.org.au/parc_search...ersads_fp.html

As for your regrets about suggesting that your husband start searching, I can understand that you feel so regretful. However, I hope that you don't feel guilty (ie. take on responsibility for his feelings/reactions). I'm of the full belief that others can make suggestions to me, but ultimately I am the one who makes the final decision AND takes responsibility about what I do or don't do.

It sounds like you're in a very rough situation and I'd highly recommend that you seek in-person support from local groups, counsellors, etc; Do whatever you can to take care of yourself - you'll be in a much better position to support your hubby in this rocky journey.

[Sheila Moyer]

Wow, I have not checked this thread in a while and I didn't realize I had this many replies! I appreciate all of your comments. I would like to say that things are a little bit better since we have now met his brother and his family. We actually have visited them twice and they are the most wonderful people you could ever imagine. It has been such a blessing for my husband to finally be greeted with total acceptance and unconditional love from his brother. In fact, his brother actually had to do his own contact veto claiming he wanted to be excluded from his mothers veto and that he wanted no restrictions on how we made contact! His wife and daughters are angels and we plan to get together regularly! thank you jesus

[eastendmommy]

Hi Sheila! I followed this thread back when it was active. I'm so happy to hear your update! That is awesome that his brother and family have welcomed you into their circle!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again : I can't even BEGIN to understand why some Bmoms adamently deny contact...no matter what trauma may have ensued from the pregnancy (and believe me, I know trauma!), it was not the child's fault... To take it out on them, all these years later, is something that I can't fathom... To at least acknowledge...but this one...threatens legal action.

After I typed that last sentence, I sat here in front of my computer for 5 minutes, trying to figure out what to say about that...and I can't think of a response that's printable...

Hope things continue to go well with your hubby and his brother! Thanks for the update!

Hugs, Tammi

[Sheila Moyer]

Thanks Tammi,
My husband was born in 1957, so that explains alot about her attitude. I did some researching on my own and his adoption situation definitely has some circumstances that leave alot of questions unanswered! I could go on and on but it would take forever. The "alleged father" is very well known in his community and did not know about the pregnancy?! Congratulations to you and your boy!

[eastendmommy]

Yes, Sheila... sometimes it seems that the longer ago the adoption took place, the more likely it is that there are secrets and deceit... Two really bad things to live with...

Thanks on the congrats! I just found out last week that he is my son, and that my search is over! We've talked on the phone and are getting together pictures to send to each other. It's very exciting!

Look forward to more from you!

Hugs, Tammi

[sunnyfromNY]

Posted by Sheila:
My husband was born in 1957, so that explains alot about her attitude.

Hmmm, I don't get it... why would that have anything to do with her attitude?

Posted by eastendmommy:
sometimes it seems that the longer ago the adoption took place, the more likely it is that there are secrets and deceit... Two really bad things to live with..

Why do you think this is? There seems to be a lot of secrets and deceit about all of this 'placing' stuff, not just with older bmothers! Do you think what you're talking about in the above statements is a common belief.... that older bmoms are less apt to want to reunite with their children?

JMO, but I think you're generalizing by making those statements. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt anyone, but there are enough problems in reunions without making blanket statements about people just because of a bad experience by one person.

[eastendmommy]

You're right, of course, Sunny. I apologize for the generalization. I usually don't do that... And Lord knows I know there have been enough secrets and deceit in so many placings. I didn't mean to make that blanket statement, and I apologize. Tammi

[sunnyfromNY]

Thanks, Tammi... I didn't think you meant to 'dis' anybody. We're a diverse bunch and we gotta stick together, right?

[eastendmommy]

Sunny, you're so right - we do need to stick together! This is the one place that I can be myself in this whole process, and not worry about being judged, but will take the knuckle rap when I've said something insensitive. Thanks for pointing out my generalizations...duly noted! Tammi