[ALI143]

I am wondering if you can share some insight about being adopted.


My daughter's bmom left the hospital the day after she was born. We don't know if she ever held her or named her. Belicia was bmom's 8th child. Bmom suffers a long history of drug addiction and prostitution. No father was ever named. Belicia was put into the foster home of her brother that had been previously adopted. They couldn't adopt her too. Our state knows very little about the other adoptions of her siblings since they were out of state. I only have birth names, birthdates and that they were adopted in Texas. I have investigated the where abouts of her birthmom to let her know that I welcome an "open adoption", but can't find her either. I haven't been able to find out if I'll be able to get a copy of her original birth certificate before they alter it with my husband and my name on it, but I do know they only have her listed as Baby Girl >>>>>
And bmom listed an old address. She never contacted the social worker after Belicia was in the foster home and never visited.

Right now my baby is only a year old, but how do I talk to her about these things later? What feelings can I expect? I'll be honest in a non-judgmental way, but I can imagine how hurtful this information will be and worst of all is all the missing birth family members. What if I never find them or birthmom still wants nothing to do with her?
All her paperwork states, "Abandond and no known father possible client of prostitution, no prenatel care." Not to mention she was born premature with cocaine, meth, herion in her system and bmom admitted to use everyday plus some alcohol, tobacco and marijauna. (My baby is doing AMAZINGLY well though-she was behind for the first nine months, but is catching up fast, some asthmea, but not terrible and possible Hep C we'll retest at the end of the month.)

[ALI143]

Also, she's Hispanic and her two new big brothers, daddy and I are CC; any insight from adults that were raised in transracial families?

[ladygemini77]

I am an adoptee. the best thing that I can say is that when your baby grows older and can understand, just be honest with her. I was adopted at age 2 1/2. I was made aware immediately of what was going on. I have a good memory of my childhood so some things that took place, I still remember. I was made aware that my biological mom was on drugs as well. There are bookstores that have books on how to explain it to your child. She will apreciate when she's older. I'm 28 and I am thankful that I was adopted. Good luck to you!

[ALI143]

Thank you so much for a positive response. I love hearing that she'll have a good childhood despite her rough start. I don't know why I've had such anxiety over it.

I think it's because my uncle passed away last year never knowing anything about his birth family. He didn't even get to know what his original name was and he was adopted at 4 months old in Michigan so he must have had a whole history he never knew about.

I just love her and want her to have all the pieces of her puzzle.

[Growing]

You sound like such a caring Mom. I'd recommend a great book called "Twenty things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge.

Blessings,
Growing

[sherrykimball]

when my aparnets told me I don't know the age but my abrother and I were always told that aparnets got to pick us and then there was a book that amom would read to us.

[Dweick]

When you talk to your daughter about this subject,
Always remember that no matter what.
No body ever sets out to be hooked on drugs,
Teach her understanding. Something went wrong in the birth mothers life and I'm sure a chain of events mushroomed to get her that far into drugs while expecting another child.
I am not saying make excuses but try to find a path to compassion, and understanding.
when the time comes your daughter will choose to search or not.
But she will love you all the more for not condeming someone you do not know first hand but was instramental in yours and your daughters life.
She had a problem and you were able to care and love her as your own so that she could experience life as we wish all children could.
thats the whole resoning of humanity.
Love her and teach her well.
With love and compassion you will find your answers as time goes on.

[ALI143]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I was just hoping with all my heart there were magic words that would make all the pain of abandonment go away. I'll always have non-judgemental honest answers for her, but now I'm wondering.....

Should I keep trying to find her birth mom and siblings now while she's little or should I let her decide when she's older to find them? I'd like to at least exchange pictures and some letters, but maybe contacting them and choosing to have them in her life is her business and she should make the decision when and if ????

[Lynard1210]

My opinion would be to try to get that unaltered birth certificate or anything else that is easily accessible now. The BC is worth its weight in gold! I have a copy for my daughter. Keep the faith that it will be your love and acceptance of your daughter that will shield the blows of the information about the birth family. If she feels accepted and loved by you, then what her birth family did will be less important. As an adoptee, growing up I felt like a normal kid because the adoption story was treated as "normal" and "no big deal". I had a safe, secure upbringing. I didn't feel I was lacking anything so basically my birth family rarely entered my mind until I was an adult. If you get fearful and panicky when it is time to talk to your daughter about the truth, she will sense this. Talking with compassion about the birth family, how hard it must have been to place her, how blessed you are to have her, etc. all these things will help her see it in a positive. She will also be given the truth and realize that no one is immune from the tough realities of life. Every family has baggage but don't let it define your child in any way and you will do fine!

[Dweick]

do whatever you feel is best for you and your child.

But here is an idea,
Start a journal of your thoughts, as they are now while you watch her grow. date and time those thoughts,
special moments ETC.
Make her a special book of your thoughts on this very issue.
when its time to talk to her about her situation let her read these thoughts,
Talk to her now in this journal , It will mean so much when she is older.

I recomend this practice to Birth moms as well
Write down thoughts as you go through your day to day.
It will mean alot if you ever get a chance to meet in the future.


Let her do the search if and when she is ready to do so.
some choose not to
Others like myself feel complled to search,
I was lucky I found my birth family

[ALI143]

That is really a great idea! Thank you

[unsung agnel]

i am adopted and its a good idea to let her know that she is adopted once she understands. that is what my mom did. she also lets me know it is okay to be angry and upset at my bmom and that its okay. JUST ALWAYS TELL HER THAT SHE WAS NOT ABANDONDED... that her bmom really loved her. that is our biggest problem as adoptees.. we feel that we were abandoned.. its just instinct. i hope this helps. wait until she asks for to find her bmom.. that way you will know she is becoming ready for it. if you find her, and let her know that.. she might decide to try and contact her before she is mentally ready to.

-unsung agnel

[banjo]

Hi,if you could find her bsiblings now I think that would be great esp the other afamilies are open to contact. It is sad that they are all separated but I am sure some contact and pics would ensure they don't have to meet as strangers as adults. Plus I am sure it could help with medical history...My bdaughter has had contact with my kept child in the past and we exchange gifts at bdays and xmas. My youngest knows she has a big sister who doesn't live with us...of course the entire story will be told when she is old enough to understand. But she likes the idea of having a sibling.

[Dmommab]

I'm in a very similar situation to you. We brought Zack home from the hospital at 2 days old - he has 3 older biological sisters that the caseworkers were aware of but doesn't know anything about their whereabouts, etc. Bio mom doesn't have any of them with her currently. Bio mom was a prostitute and used drugs & alcohol throughout her pregnancy - no prenatal care except during month 7 when she was in jail. I have located an address for mom and am planning on getting a po box and sending her a letter & some pictures. I'm going to ask her to respond to me to let me know if she wants continued contact or not. If she doesn't want it that's fine but I want (for my own peace of mind) her to know that her baby is loved & doing well if she wants to know. My husband doesn't necesarily agree with this but is willing to support me since I feel so strongly about it. Good luck in your decision - it is a diffuclt one!

[my2miracles]

I am also an adoptive mom. My little girl just turned a year old last month. Our situation is quite a bit different than yours. We have an open adoption with her birth mom.

In the future, my daughter will not be told that her birthmom had absolutely no prenatal care. She was trying to ignore the pregnancy until she couldn't ignore it anymore. What is the point of that?

She will also not be told that a lot of relatives are either in jail, dead or hooked on drugs (lots of gang related, growing up in the ghetto, poverty).

There is no need for her to know that her birth parents are former (if not still using) meth addicts.

What she will know is as follows:

Her birthmom & birthdad DO love her with all of their hearts. She was NOT abandoned or unwanted. They chose US to be HER parents...because they felt we were the best choice as parents to raise her as our daughter.

I guess what I am getting at is that you don't necessarily need to give the "cold hard facts". You can filter some things if nothing good will come out of it.

I also plan to tell my daughter that things happen in life the way they are supposed to. Nothing happens in God's world by mistake. She was always meant to be our daughter.

Her birthmom was also part of the plan. She was meant to bring our daughter into the world. She was meant to carry her for the first 9 months. Then god sent an angel (our facillitator) to deliver her to us. Then she was our forever daughter.