[083174lubbocktx]

I have made contact with bmom surprisingly sooner than expected. My mom does not know that I even thought of searching for her. Now that I have made contact, I need to tell my mom, but I am not sure how to do so inflicting the least amount of hurt. Any suggestions or advise all I want is your honesty.

Ashley

[Southernroots]

I love this article - maybe it would help
http://e-magazine.adoption.com/artic...ve-parents.php

Good Luck!

[Lynard1210]

My only thoughts are: tell her when you are ready, not out of guilt. My best friend waited for several years before telling her mom, but I think each person is different.

[love4]

I am an adopted mom to 4 girls. My oldest's b/family found her. It is more hurtful to me to have my kids do things in secret than to openly share their needs. It hurt when my daughter moved in with her birthparents. We struggled with many emotions. My daughter's concern was only for herself and it hurt me deeply. I am thankful that we were able to talk, be upset with one another, listen and work things out in love and compassion for each other.
Give your mom freedom to express all her emotions just as you would like her to give you the same respect. For me this was one of the hardest things I had to endure but I also learned many things and I have grown.

[Southernroots]

Maybe I misunderstood Lynard, but, I do not think that you should feel and "guilt" for finding your birth mother. It is no reflection on your adoptive parents that you needed or wanted to know your birth mother. And that is the point that you need to make with your adoptive parents.

If I were an adoptive mom (I am not) and my child waited years to tell me, I'd be awfully hurt that they had waited so long. But, tell her when you are comfortable with doing so and reassure her that you are not wanting to replace her.

[083174lubbocktx]

Thank you so much for replying. It means more than I thought it would. Southernroots thank you for the article reference, that was very encouraging. Also, I am greatful for everyone else as well, I have great respect for their view and courage to share it. Please don't hesitate to keep the comments coming.

Thank you,

Ashley

[Growing]

Hi Ashley,
I am an adoptee who found my birthfamily without telling my aparents. I told them very shortly after my first contact with them, however, and now I wish I had waited. The reason is because I had no idea that the numb emotions I felt would be so life-consuming and that I would need time to process and deal with these newfound relationships and that part of my identity. When my amom got into the mix it took even more focus off my own need to deal because I had to then think about her emotions, which are also very complex. I wish I had gotten to know my birthfamily first because I then started dealing with more "guilt" and feeling like a "bad daughter" because I had searched and found my birthfamily. My amom needed to be a part of it all but what I truly needed was to do it for myself and on my own, for the first time in my life. Own my own search/reunion, deal and grow and heal, etc. I think adopted people sometimes have a hard time with this and we want to make everyone happy and we get very bound up over this, forfeiting our own growth. This is just my own experience and opinion.
Growing

[mtlover]

My amom needed to be a part of it all but what I truly needed was to do it for myself and on my own, for the first time in my life. Own my own search/reunion, deal and grow and heal, etc. I think adopted people sometimes have a hard time with this and we want to make everyone happy and we get very bound up over this, forfeiting our own growth

Excellent advice... as an adoptee... I second what growing wrote!
Kim

[scrammy25]

Ashley,

This will never be an easy experience, no matter how old or how good or bad your relationship is with you amom. I fould out that I was adopted from someone besides my parents. After I found my bmom, I told my amom about it and she was really upset. She was even more upset that she came to visit me 2 days later. I kept her visit from my amom until she was gone. I didn't want any confrontations. I continued to have a relationship with my bmom and I know that my amom didn't like it. I felt kind of guilty in a way because she had raised me from the time that I was born, but I also knew that I needed this relation ship with my bmom to get to know her and why she gave me up for adoption. In the end my aparents disowned me because they didn't think I needed them anymore, which is rediculous. I love my aparents and it hurts to have no contact with them. Would I change the need to find my bmom, no. I will always be her daughter and that is how she treats me.
Would I like to change my realtionship with my aparents, yes, but it takes giving on both ends to put an end to this feud. Ashley, you are the only one who knows your relationship with your amom. Search your soul and pray for guidance in your decision. Good luck. This is never an easy thing. Laurie

[lbgh001]

Ashley,

Just let your mom know she is still your MOM but that you also have a need to know your bio family. She will possibly be insecure for quite some time until she sees that her relationship with you is not changing as a result of the new woman in your life.I think it is like a mother with a child - she loves each child she has and does not "run out" of love. Tell her that you have room in your heart to love many people and that you will not push her out to make room for someone new. Just plan to give her lots of time if she needs it. If she is very sure of herself and confident in her everyday life it will probably take less time but she certainly will feel threatened to some extent. Good luck with your reunion.

[ChristiBender]

This is another one of those situations where it is important to recognize what YOUR needs are first. It is that old oxygen mask deal... take care of you first... then everyone else.

If your search came to an end much faster than you expected (which some people would trade their eye teeth for.. he he)... you most certainly could have been caught off guard about the whole "how do I tell my family I am searching" subject. So, your reaction is very understandable.

And, once contact has been made - yes... heads do spin. And they tend to spin for quite a while!!!!

As Growing said it helps to have yourself out of the numb (overwhelmed, freaking out, frozen - or whatever) stage before trying to communicate this entire story to your birthparents.

Tackle those emotions first... then try to shift your attention to being gentle, open, reassuring and compassionate with your adoptive parents. Remember though... the more time you let go by, the harder it will be in some ways.

Please, keep us posted.