[scarlet52698]

I agree with you Lexie, all adoptees feel differently about being adopted and each persons view should be respected because it's valid to them.

I do think however that stereotypes of birthfamilies are still pervasive in our society and to some degree I think that clouds the reunion process for some. JMO

[sspete]

IMHO...

Everyone in the triad is SOOOO very different with their idea of reunion.

My bdaughter wants nothing to do with me and I must respect that!! It is however SO very hard!! As I have dreamed of the day that I would get to hug her again she obviously has not. I must respect the decision she has made no matter what her reasoning is. I just KNOW she is NOT READY and may never be. She is certainly entitled to her feelings. I know I must back off and wait and just see if one day she wants to know me.

I posted VERY long ago a post called Why Is Someone In The Triad Always Opposed To Reunion. I do know however that there a few cases where EVERYONE involved is for the reunion but it is RARE. Usually someone wether it is the bmom, adoptee, aparents, siblings, bio-children, someone involved is opposed to the reunion.

I do believe we have to just let everyone form their on opinions and follow their heart. We must accept whatever happens....HAPPENS.

Staci

[hello&goodbye]

Is not the steeotyping also to do with the "Oprah Moment" that every one seems to believe is the norm?

I live in Ontario, Canada, where they have been trying to create a new adoption disclosure law. The Premier of the Province actually said that what they are trying to do is reunite families. What? Is he kidding, where in the heck do people think we have been, at camp all these years?

These are the attitudes that are in the forefront today. "You must search, if not there is something wrong with you, you could not possibly understand the pain of adoption" You are right I cannot understand the pain of a birthmother, just like a birthmother cannot understand what drives an adoptee. Or a adoptee or birthparents understanding the joy and pain for the adoptive parents.

And yes I am still offended that you think just because my opinion ( which is based on my experiences ) are not like you own, I therefore do not have a clue. I do! I know my side and my friends sides, that is what I know!

If everyone just listened to each other, we would not be so confused.

[scarlet52698]

Geez.........I don't know anyone who thinks it's going to be an Oprah moment. I know I certainly didn't think that when I met my birthmother.

Hello- You are absolutely right that you have your own experiences and valid feelings about adoption reunion. I'm not hear to change your mind, I was just curious why you felt that way. Thank you for sharing your opinion and I hope that you will have the sensitivity to let others share theirs.

No one mold is right for everybody, it's just not black and white. It's every shade of gray that you can imagine.

[banjo]

Hi colleen nice to see you back on the boards! lol banjo

[love4]

helloandgoodbye,
Just to let you know you are not alone my second oldest daughter has no interest in finding her birthfamily. Reading your post she sounds very much like you. It would almost appear that she wrote the post. We have talked about it many times and she insists she is happy with the way things are.

[mamabee]

I actually liked reading helloandgoodbye's post. I am a bMom who reunited with bDaughter in 2004 and although me and my family tried to make it work, it didn't. It helps me to understand or at least get into the mindset of my bDaughter by reading what helloandgoodbye wrote. We have to accept the fact that not every adoptee wants to join with their bfamily...no matter how badly we want it to happen.
No matter how worse it feels, I hope you keep venting helloandgoodbye...it is informative.

[Cricket69]

Well, in seeing Hello&Goodbyes's posts it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. I started to search in my mid 20's and gave my basic info to a searcher in 1996. I was able to get my original BC in 2001. I pretty much stopped searching then.

I'm married, have a family and a full life. Imagine my surprise 3 weeks ago when the 1996 searcher e-mails me to say she thinks she's found my bmom. Several e-mails back and forth and VOILA, the birthmother I'd searched for years and years ago has magically appeared with the searcher acting as a middleman. She called the Searcher and I got some history & medical info. She wanted to send me a birthday card. I politely declined.

Now, over the first several days the searcher e-mailed me, saying how happy my bmom was to find me. She wanted personal info about me and my family. She'd thought about me over the years etc etc. My first reaction was just to say "I'm not ready, please let me process this."

As I thought about this over the past couple of weeks, I realize - I have no interest in talking to her, meeting her, getting to know her, nothing. Zip, zilch, zero interest.

Well, I just heard from the searcher again today, saying that my bmom calls her every weekend for news of me.

It took several drafts of e-mails for me to finally get the nerve to say "I'm sorry, but please leave me alone. I've had a good life, I'm happy. Let's leave it at that."

Why do I feel this way? I'm not sure. I know as a teen I pictured the whole Oprah moment... Now I just, well, I really don't care. It sounds cold and heartless but I think it's better to not lead her on....

[hart627@comcast]

As a birthmother who located my b-daug and 2 1/2 yrs, we have corresponded by email/cards/letters only. I have to say the ball is deffinately in her court. No matter how much I want more than this with her I HAVE TO RESPECT WHAT SHE WANTS. I feel so blessed and thankful that she has even agreed to what communication we have and would never over step my boundries and risk loosing this relationship with her. If she never wants more than this with me or tells me tomorrow she doesn't want any more contact with me, as hard as it would be (and of course, I pray it doesn't happen) I would have on choice but to accept it. Everyone has a right to their own thoughts and decissions and I don't think anyone should be put down for feeling the way they do.

[wilted rose]

Cricket, you have shifted momentum since you initially searched because that's where you're at now, a little advice, perhaps you may want to leave the door open just a crack ... momentum has a way of changing with our experiences. Just a thought.
Rose

[love4]

My oldest daughter moved in with her birthparents and my second oldest does not want to search. She is very content with who she is and who her family is. Her husband tried for hours to see if she would change her mind and she just doesn't want a reunion.....at least right now. There are many adoptees I know who just don't want to search. There is no right or wrong. Each person has to decide for themselves. My youngest wants to search someday.

[Jan18]

If you would have asked me a few years ago, I would have said "I will never search. And if I search it will only be for medical information, because at least I should have a right to that information! I have enough family, and I don't need anymore." Well, here I wanting more. My search was easy. It only took me a total of 2 wks. I waited to make the first contact. So far the reunion has been good. I did go to a few sessions with a therapist to have some one to talk to that wasn't emotionally involved in what I was doing. Yes, there are parts that totally sucked. It was very stressful getting a life's worth of information in a matter of day.

Honestly, if I wouldn't have become a mother myself, I don't think I would have searched. I understood what a sacrafice my b-mom made and that she probably loved me, but I didn't truly understand the love and pain she must have gone through when she had to put me up for adoption. I really mourned for her when my dd was first born. I think it was in those first few weeks of my dd's life that I decided that after 33 yrs, it was time to find my b-family.

[marimari]

Cricket..that's cool that you were able to obtain some history and medical information. maybe a bit of that sort of thing would be a kind thing to give back to your birth mother.
It's perfectly OK that you have no desire to get to know her..sometimes our lives just get full and it's like we just can't handle one more thing. Sometimes we know that it will take effort or even upset our families if we pursue it..a lot of different variables involved.
I am guessing that you are in your mid thirties now, so you are busy with many things. She may be in her mid fifties or so, and her life is more settled..she finally has time to allow herself to think, to feel.
many birth mothers tucked a lot of this stuff away for years..no time, sort of like you..plus that was the order given way back by the judges..to forget about it...many seemed to have done that. Then, when we least expect it..bam...it all comes back.
You may be like her in that you just aren't ready to go there..taking your "pass" card...she may have done that back in 1996?
I think whomever suggested above me that you keep a door open..that was wise. It takes some of us a longer time to decide, to open our hearts. I know of a few adoptees who have received the message from their adoptive families that it's just not OK to search, that it'll hurt their parents..so they don't do it.
Everyone has to make up their own minds..and hopefully, again, with an open one and an open heart. Some of us carry resentments and anger about adoption..we aren't always aware of our feelings because we, too, figured out how to go on..that can be a good thing, we all need to go on and be the best that we can be. We also have to remain true to ourselves in the process..someday all the people that we thought we'd hurt or disappoint will be gone..and we'll be left looking at our life..and we may wish that we had done whatever..but it may be too late..the birth family connection may well pass on, too...
So I, too, hope that you'll consider the possibilities and will limit any regrets.
If I were her, I think I'd like to hear your voice, have you tell me, thanks for the info, but no thanks on anything more..the search person is safe, for sure, but just maybe this is something for you to be able to give her...not that she deserves it, but that you deserve the chance to hear her, too..you are all grown up now...seems like it might be the kinder thing to do.
Maybe try to put yourself in her shoes??? Just thinking, that's all.

[Cricket69]

Wow, thanks for the replies. :-)


The timing of this isn't great - my AM is terminally ill. I let the searcher know that first thing and said "Please just leave it to me and I will make contact when ready."

Then she e-mailed me several times that first week with "Oh, your Bmom understands but she's given you all this info..." The e-mails were sort of like a guilt trip. I don't need a guilt trip about this - it's not like I gave my info last week and have changed my mind, my info went in over 10 years ago.

Anyway, in one early e-mail reply I told her that I'd be back later after taking a child to school. The e-mail yesterday included the line "She's so glad to know she has a grandbaby, is it a boy or a girl?" Too intrusive, I said I didn't want to share personal info before and I don't want to share it now.

One issue might be with the "search angel" - I think she's an adoptee who developed a good relationship with her Bmom. Maybe she doesn't understand people who don't want to do that?

Right now the door is closed. I hope my decision can be respected and understood. As said before, every adoptee feels differently and different periods of life may cause feelings to change. If mine do, I have a name and a general location, I can proceed from there.

[bmomliz16]

Originally Posted by marimari

many birth mothers tucked a lot of this stuff away for years..no time, sort of like you..plus that was the order given way back by the judges..to forget about it...many seemed to have done that. Then, when we least expect it..bam...it all comes back.

BAM is right!!! About a week after the amom called me for the first time ever, and finally knowing her name, and asked if I would be interested in sharing some info/emailing, opening the door - I had a breakdown at the OB/GYN office, of all places, feet in the stirrups and everything. It was BAD, couldn't even breathe. Plus, come to find out, the OB/GYN is an adoptive mom. She no longer wants to be my physician. I must have freaked her out. I felt like such an idiot.