[chica_latina]

It's been a while since I've visited this site!

My dh and I are preparing to begin the adoption process and I wanted to hear an adoptees' perspective.

Our chances to conceive a child "in the old fashioned way" (I'm not going to say "natural" because it makes it seem that adopting is "unnatural"), is pretty minimal, but you never know what can happen.

What I was worrying about is how my future adopted child(ren) will feel if a biochild arrived in the family.. I've met a few birth mothers who have said that they refuse to allow their children to be adopted by couples who have bio children, because the adopted children will always feel 2nd place.

Of course, we plan to treat our children equally, whether bio or adopted, but I'm still wondering how such family dynamics will work.

Anybody have any thoughts or insight?

Anybody have advice on how I can ensure that my adopted child(ren) and bio child (if that ever happens) feel "equal"?

Thank You!

[stbakjj]

we had 4 bio children when we adopted our little girl and people are always saying comments like "ya know your real children" or "is she your real child" to me and my husband and i have to say it really bothers me. i love her just as much as if i carried her in my belly. some people cant understand that but it sounds like you do. all my children are treated differently because they are all different but they are not loved differently. dont worry to much about the child as long as you love them both they will grow up happy and secure!

[SchmennaLeigh]

All birthmothers view families in different ways. I purposely sought out a family that had other children. The family I chose had biological children from the father's previous marriage. They, after adopting Munchkin, conceived a child via IVF. They are now a wonderful, crazy mish-mosh of a family. Munchkin isn't too keen on her younger brother yet but that will change in time.

[Killmark]

I have a brother 2yrs younger then me who is my a/parents bio son, they didn't have infertility issues and I have a feeling its mostly because of my dad that they chose to adopt before having bio kids.

My brother and I were treated "equally", yet somehow he's always managed to spin things to his advantage, in the end, mostly because I prefer to sort things out myself rather then rely on anyone, whereas he has no problem with that. My last girlfriend pointed out to me that I never actually say "I want" the best I manage is "I would like", I think it some respects it may be because I dont feel as though I deserve anything.

I don't believe its possible to treat children the same as each other given that they as individuals will always have different needs, but they should be loved equally.

A

[EvieBmac]

This is a tough one. I think that as long as you are aware of the feelings common to adoptees and don't fear addressing them, you should be okay. I think there are plenty of adoptees who grow-up feeling a strong sense of being part of their afamily. My husband was not so fortunate.
My husband, an adoptee, whose aparents had a bioson 4 years after my husband's adoption, never treated them equally and my husband felt like a "guest" in the home. Bioson was given special treatment, got braces, sent to college, got whatever was necessary, etc. My husband never had braces and rarely saw a dentist after the age of 14(despite the fact that both of his front teeth had been fractured from childhood events). He had an easily-fixable foot birthdefect that aparents never felt was necessary to surgically address (despite their pediatricians repeated attempts to get them to take action). This caused him to be unable to participate in most sports and was "awkward" about running and playing. I asked his amom why she never had this surgery (my husband would have been about 4 to be old enough to have it done back then) and she said that "dh told her he didn't want it." I said to her "well he was 4, you listened to a 4 year old?" She just kept repeating that "dh didn't want it, he just didn't want it..." He was not given the opportunity/sent/encouraged to look into attending college, even though he voiced his desire for engineering (and was an honor student all through HS). They asked him to move out when he was 18 and never helped him with a thing after that.
Thankfully, dh is resillient and independent, and forged his own way through. I look at the positive though, without this adversity he would not be the wonderful man he is today. But he has had a lot of rejection/pain (beyond the "normal" adoptee feelings of rejection from his afamily that he's had to come to terms with (therapy, etc.). I like to think his case is unusual, but to look at his afamily from the outside - they look "picture perfect", so how can you ever know?
Dh continues to be a good son to his aparents - always helping them around the house, and whatever they need. I am amazed at his love and compassion sometimes.

sorry this got to be so long - best of luck to you!

[mom2justynsarah]

We already had a six year old son when we were chosen by our daughter's birthmom. That was actually the deciding factor for her. She wanted her baby to have an older sibling (especially an older brother).

She knew that he would cherish, protect, teach, adore, & love his baby sister like no other. How right she was! She is HIS sister! You better not look at her crossed eyed or else! LOL!

I also know plenty of people who have adopted, and then got pregnant after. Regardless, each child is unique and special in their own way.

I think ultimately, all birthmoms want the same thing for their baby. They want a loving, caring, safe, and secure environment for their baby. They want parents who will be able to provide all the things they aren't or weren't capable of. They want a better life for their child. They want to see their child happy & healthy.

The one thing Dee (bmom) always asks me whenever we talk, is if Sarah (daughter) is happy. he gets great joy & satisfaction that she has chosen the right family for her baby.



I think I have rambled a bit.

[isobm]

All children are different and all families are different. I was adopted as a newborn when my brother (bio son) of mom and dad was 8 years old, as mom and dad were having trouble getting pregnant. After I was adopted mother did get pregnant again and I have a sister (again their bio) 22 months younger than me.

To be honest I was, and have always been the favorite child (much to the chagrin of my sibs at times). Mom and dad were always fair, loved all of us and treated us equally, but liked me better (although I was the bad one...). I was truly the one planned child. Mom told me that she thought my brother was born too early in the marriage and when she was ready to do it again she couldn't. When she later became pregnant with my sister, it was quite a surprise, as she thought she couldn’t and she had a really rough high-risk pregnancy, bled for several months--not knowing she was pregnant, contracted the German measles, etc, and my sister was born premature. It was a very stressful time for my parents.

The only issue I ever had with being the middle and only adopted child was that I looked nothing like them growing up (I'm blonde and blue and they are dark and dark) and stupid people that didn't know would ask stupid questions like, "and whose little girl is this?". That hurt and made me embarrassed. It still hurts to think about that, but the world it quite different now than it was in the 60s (of course there are still stupid people that will say stupid things).

My brother, sister and I are all completely different, but of the three I am most like my mom and dad and have been closer to both of them in ways that my sibs will never understand.

Oops, my turn to ramble…