[kim8932]

This is the what my father said to me when he was screaming at me during an argument: I was 14
It's sad to say that not everything is as happy as a lot of the stories out there about adoptees that have known all there life, which I'm very happy for. Unfortunely, my adoptive parents were not O.K. with the idea of me knowing, or for that matter, me even knowing anything now (I'm 28 now) Anytime I ask about my birth parents, my father immediately leaves the room and my mother gets all upset and teary eyed and say's she doesn't want to talk about it. So please be open with your children.... they don't want to abandone their aparents, they just want to know some things about themselves.

on another note, as an adopted child, I found that I was always steroetyped by my last name. I look nothing like my aparents, and A LOT of people would ask why. I'm tall :5'10" and thin: 125 lbs
my parents are short, both: 5'4" and heavier than me
both blue eyes, I'm brown eyes.
I look more italian: dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes
There both Irish. People always asked me about things like that. So, just to let everyone know. It wasn't me as much as it was society making me wonder who my bparents are. What do they look like? Is my chin the same? My nose? How about my personality?
By the way, I still love my aparents. They gave me a great childhood and I thank them very much for it.
Kim
"baby girl baker" looking for Bioparents. Born Rhinebeck NY 8/27/77

[mom2justynsarah]

As an amom, I am appaled that your dad said that to you in an argument. It frustrates me that some people just can't control their emotions in the heat of the moment.

In addition, I am saddened that they aren't willing to provide you with any support regarding your birthfamily. Being that you are 28 years old, I get the impression that "back then", adoption was very much closed, don't tell, don't talk about it etc... But even so, I think it's unfair on their part not to deal with it. After all, you certainly DO deserve to ask questions and find out about your birthfamily.

I am very fortunate that there is open communication between myself and my beautiful 5 month old daughter's birthmom. I wouldn't want it any other way. My daughter has the absolute right to know where she came from, that she has 3 full blooded siblings, who she looks like, what the circumstances were of her adoption etc etc.

Any way, I wish you peace and happiness. May you be led to your answers and someday find your birthfamily.

XOXO
Julie

[Lady Rose]

Originally Posted by kim8932

It wasn't me as much as it was society making me wonder who my bparents are.

Ya know, that thought never once occured to me. How incredibly true your statement is.

As for the title of your thread, I got the same statements from my a-mom, in many forms and varieties, over and over and over again from the time I turned 13. I figure it's essentially the same as a bio-parent telling their child " I wish you'd never been born ".

Whether a-parent or b-parent, each statement is *incredibly* cruel to a child. But I think it's twice as damaging to an adoptee because the a-parents could have chosen not to be parents. Instead, us adoptees in situations like this are dragged into their issues and robbed of going to a different family that may have cherished us.

[nobodys_child]

I was 14 when my mother admitted to me she hated children. So I asked her why she adopted me. Her response still stings after all these years: "I don't know, it was stupid."

Thanks, mom! Wonderfully supportive words that all kids want to hear...that it was stupid to raise a child. Ouch!

She was never the warm & fuzzy type, since I can remember. Neither was my dad. Still makes me wonder why two people went through the expensive process to adopt a child, if years later, at least one of them thought it was dumb. I also heard "You are more trouble than you are worth!" There were other mean-spirited phrases too. I grew up absolutely loathing myself. My father asked me once why I hated being me so much, but when you never hear anything good about yourself, how can you learn to love the person you see in the mirror?

They're both still alive & even though they aren't in the best of health & can't bully me physically, their words are no less hurtful. Too bad they didn't just get rid of me. They had ample opportunities to do so, & let them all slide by. :-(

[LoveJosiah]

Nobody's child, Your name and your icon with the eyes looking out of the bag are so sad. And your story is even sadder. I'm stunned and don't know what to say except I will be praying for you. And you are God's child and he cherishes you very much. Take good care of yourself, you were born with a purpose and a wonderful destiny!! Amber

[terrirose9]

I know what you mean Kim. Even though as an adult I feel my a-folks did the best they could.. Mistakes were made. I was not perfect and neither were they!! Both my a-folks were adoptees as well and even though I love them as well as my Grandparents as much as could.. Mistakes were made. A child should "NEVER" hear " I should of never adopted you" as well as "I should of never had you"
I am not excusing them by any means.. We are to learn our self control and the way we treat others we maybe mad at or not agree with at the moment from them. This is not a way to teach a child.
Our curisoty is usualy just that.. Why was I given up ect? In the long run it not because of anyones failure. Just my opnion. I have been reunited for a very long time.. Got tired of blaming and pointing fingers.. Adoption happens for many reasons.. I don't blame anyone for anything. It is pointless.. But saying mean things like that to a child who has not asked to be mistreated is crule!!! I can't change the past. But I can learn from it. Just think about it. Terri

[uglydog]

My story has different people, different dates, but it's still pretty much already been told on this thread by kim8932 and nobodys_child, and while I could add more stories about abuse, it would seem redundant. So I'll get to the point.

If I'm grateful for anything about my child-hood, it's that I'm not biologically related to any of these people that I'm legally related to.

I gotta say that's the only thing that has kept me from being at war with myself ! !

I wonder if anyone else feels this way ?


Raymond

[tlee70]

Oh yes, I'm right there with you all!

Daily trying to sort through the mess of my life and yes..I'm very grateful that I"m not biologically related to my aparents either.

I too remember my afather saying that they never should have adopted me...I would have to agree...even though it was said in a mean spirit.

There is hope though. We have our own lives now and for that we can take responsiblity for. We cannot change the past but we have control over the future. I once remember saying to my asister, who was a drug addict and hooker on the streets (all because she was molested by afather for so many years..then sent away by amother at 15) that there comes a point in our lives when we have to stop blaming everyone and everything in our past for who we are today. Although it may be true..we need to start taking responsibililty and live the life that want..and should have, otherwise all the suffering would be for nothing.

tlee

[levigram]

Would any of you who had those very hurtful things said to you by your aparents have suggestions for me or my daughter? I'm the birth grandmother, my daughter is bmom. We know where her son is and aparents said to me when he was just a year old, "we would never have done this, if we had known it would be this way." They were referring to having appeased us (bfamily) with considerable contact until the final adoption papers were signed. Then they insisted only once a year for a hour and 1/2 at very public places. No phone calls, no inquiries ever. He lives one mile from us. And we know how they feel. Other bfamily members have seen one or the other aparent out with my grandson from time to time. Every time it has not been a "happy" picture. They did not recognize the family members and didn't know they had been seen. I, birth grandmother, continue to send notes, pictures of my daughter and myself and bdad from time to time along with gifts for all of them (including the puppy! :-) Any suggestions from those of you who have experienced the feelings of being unwanted by aparents?

[imbeelte]

i am in the last stages of my homestudy, and i cannot wait to have children in my house. i cannot believe that people that had to go through so much to bring a child home could turn around a few years later and say such hurtful things to them. i'm sorry they hurt you like that.

[lovemy6]

I have two comments. The first one is that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Lord knows I've made tons of mistakes raising my biological children. I'm sure I may make one or two with my adopted children as well

The second thing is that I think some people think and expect that having a child is going to make their life perfect and complete. If they're unhappy with their life they think that having a child to love them is going to make their life everything that it is not. Also, I know of some couples who have adopted where one parent didn't want to be a parent, but they did it to make their spouse happy. How sad for the children to come into these situations where they already have a role to fulfill. Children should ONLY be adopted bc they are truely wanted and will be cherished. I'm sorry that there are situations where they are not.

[definitelyjulia]

I am so sad to hear that your dad said that to you! It's the equivalent to hearing, "I wish you were never born." that I heard from biological parents.

It sounds like you have lots of good advice for adoptive parents. Thank you so much for sharing. We are hoping to adopt and it reaffirms how important it is to have good communication. I'm hoping that the birthmom we get will be open to continuing a relationship with us so that our child doesn't have to suffer from the same uncertainty.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I'm so sorry that your dad blew it that day with you! Hopefully there were many times when he was loving and kind too!

Julia
Our Dear Birthmother website!
definitely.com/adoption_letter/

[dadfor2]

The first one is that there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

i couldnt agree more.....

people do say things in heated moments, and its usually to the people that they love the most.

im not coming in defending what was said, but no one is perfect....

as a teenager, well, any teenager, they can make parents see red.....sorry for you younger folks, but teenagers are wacko...adopted of not.


that they aren't willing to provide you with any support regarding your birthfamily

i know its hard, and i know alot of adoptees that do want to know...

but personally, i dread the day that i have to tell my kids their history...it was so awful.

but i will, pending their frame of mind when they are asking....because thats what i think would help them

but my feeling is, before we go jumping down the throats of the aparents because they arent 'talking about' it...maybe they think in some strange way, that it would hurt you.

parents do some strange things when they think they are protecting their kids, and yes, some of it is irrational...

some parents tell their kids that there is no such thing as santa claus becuase they feel like they are lieing to their children.....i will never understand this....

but at the same time, i respect it, because i can understand where they are coming from...

so my message is, before we just blame the aparents on not telling..they might, for whatever reason, might actually feel its better not to tell...

maybe your placement wasnt horrific, but maybe it was...yes, you are an adult...but as any parent...you will always be their children.

sorry folks, but even though your child grows up into adulthood, you will still worry about them, and still try to protect them...at least i think so...

oh wait, im talking about my mom....sorry to genealize...

but still, i cant see myself not looking at my children, as not my children, know matter how old they get.

[nobodys_child]

Dear Dad,

I can't speak for others who went through what I have, but I can tell you that I wasn't looking for perfection for parents. It would have been far nicer to grow up in a more normal household. Mental illness runs on both sides of my a-parents' families. Both my a-parents suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorders. It's difficult to grow up as an only child in a household where mental illness exists, yet no one will admit it. I am not perfect either. In fact, I probably have as many (if not more) faults than any one else, including my a-parents. The difference is, I can admit them & my mistakes too! I realize that you think that there are many adoptees (myself included) who are exaggerating grossly about the inhumane treatments that we endured. However, I doubt it's as rare as you think. I realize that many bio-parents are just as dysfunctional, & just as abusive...sometimes even more so. But most women who give their children up for adoption want those same children to grow up in a loving, caring family who want the child, not for posterity's sake, but because they truly love children & want to provide a wonderful environment instead of one of shame. Unfortunately, some of those homes that look so good on paper are a really a sham behind closed doors!

All I wanted was to feel loved & like I belonged in the family that adopted me. Unfortunately, it was/is not the case. I have never truly been a member of either of my a-parents' families. I am an outsider even though it's been many years since I was adopted & not by my choice. I can remember hearing an aunt tell my mother how awful I was, that I would never amount to anything, etc. I can't remember one person in either family, who ever said anything good about me...it was all bad all the time, & it was a universal opinion. I didn't hear encouraging words from anyone I knew...not even my teachers. I grew up full of self-hatred, & I never learned anything diiferent. I still suffer from it from time to time...I've gone through counselling & it has helped me to get rid of some of the old voice recordings. I never thought of myself as special or lucky to have been adopted. I also never thought of myself as anything but ugly, fat, hateful, mean, selfish, etc etc etc, because those were the adjectives used by my a-parents to describe me. The best I could hope for was for them to ignore me, the worst things that happened were because I did something to anger them...even being in the same house just breathing could make them angry. I avoided them as much as I possibly could. I would have given anything to have gotten away from my so-called family but I did not know who to turn to or where to go. I was not allowed to have friends. My a-parents also missed many opportunities to have gotten rid of me. They travelled a great deal across country due to the fact they had their own business, & could have easily just left me behind. They also had a friend who was molesting me who would have gladly raped & murdered me before I turned 12. No one would have missed me, & certainly no one would have cared! I'm sure many would have rejoiced!

When my mother told me that adopting me was a stupid mistake, we were at a shopping mall. What prompted her comment was a lost child, hysterical because he had lost his mother. My a-mother took him by the hand (not very kindly) & literally towed him down the aisle searching for his mother. She found her! Then when my a-mother came back to me, she said she didn't know why lost children always sought her out, because she didn't like kids. She was not angry at that time, more like exasperated. I merely asked her why if she didn't like kids she adopted me. And that's when she hit me with the zinger that adopting me had been a huge mistake!

She denies that she ever said those hurtful words. But she also denies dragging me to shrink after shrink insisting there was something terribly wrong with me, & even flipping out in the lobby (also in front of me) saying that there was nothing wrong with either her or my a-dad & that it was all me.

I have had 2 psychologists since then tell me that there is nothing mentally wrong with me (my a-parents still believe that there is something wrong with me!), although it it quite obvious that I was traumatized as a child & it still affects me as an adult. My self-esteem still isn't what it should be & when I make a mistake I beat myself up for it.

I am not looking for pity. I would like people to have some understanding that what I went through was terribly painful...that even though many years have past, it still hurts. Maybe the pain has lessened with the passage of time, but instead of being sharp it's now more of a dull ache...the knowledge of a childhood that never was...that my life was a series of very hurtful events that still affect me to this day.

[dadfor2]

nobodys_child,

believe me, i am not saying that there are only good aparents or bioparents for that matter.

By the way, I still love my aparents. They gave me a great childhood and I thank them very much for it.
Kim

i was actually answering kims post...she said she grew up with happy childhood memories


kim
Anytime I ask about my birth parents, my father immediately leaves the room and my mother gets all upset and teary eyed and say's she doesn't want to talk about it.

my post was about that maybe there was something in Kims past that the afamily are uncomfortable with. im not defending this by any strech....but sometimes parents think they are protecting their children by not telling them 'specifics' or anything about they came to adopt their children.

i do know something about abusive parents and abused kids, im parenting two of them now, and i know how it effects their daily lives.

but as they get older, and more mature, and they want to know about their pasts...i have saved every single document that talks about where they come from.

again, i am not defending the aparents for not discussing it, its the childs life, not theirs, and they have a right to know.

but all parents sometimes dont think straight at times when they feel they are protecting their child.

i guess that was my point.