[pingaa3]

I am a mom of a beautiful, happy, healthy 1 year old girl. I have been having a lot of fears and concerns about doing the best I can to help my daughter grow up as happy and as well adjusted as possible. This includes knowing that she is adopted and know whatever I can tell her about her birth parents.

For those of you adoptees out there... what do you feel your adoptive parents did positively to help you with the adoption knowledge?

Please note that I have heard lots of horror stories about adoptees and adoptive parents. That's not what I'm looking for here. I'm looking for what you fealt they did right, not wrong. Thanks

Inga

[ChitownTracy]

Hi Inga,
I think one of the best things my aparents have done for me is: open and honest communication. any time i wanted to talk about my adoption or wonder outloud, i was encouraged to...
I have also always known that i was adopted and this is huge....
My parents always spoke highly of my b-parents, and raised my to respect me b-parents. HTH....feel free to PM if you want to chat more about this.

[RiverGal]

Just wanted to bump this tread back up to the top in hopes that there will be other positive stories about adoptive parents.

Sometimes things get missed over the weekend.

~Deb

[tricia3]

My parents did many things right and they did many things wrong. But I know they did the best they could. I'd have to say the most important thing they did was love me unconditionally. No matter how how badly I screwed up they never reminded me that I was not biologically their's. They treated my sister and me just the same as they treated their biological children.

[Liepolds]

My parents raised my brother and I with always knowing we were adopted and to be proud. Not proud to be adopted necesarilly but, proud to be who we are. They raised us to be good people, to work hard, to be honest and to not hurt others intentionally.

We always had an open door policy in our home. Whatever questions we had about adoption, our parents were open and honest and supportive of us. They always told us when and if we wanted they would help find our birth family. My brother and I never felt the void or that we needed to find our birth parents. We had parents. We have fantastic parents and the gift I think most important is, we both have adopted children. My brother has a step daughter, 2 bio daughters and they adopted their son. My DH and I have a 6 month old that we adopted in a private non-agency adoption.

My Mom and Dad is soo proud of us. We are proud of them. My parents are my heroes.

Kim

[snuffie]

Hi
I have to agree that the best thing my aparents did for me was to love me unconditionally too. I always knew that they would love me no matter what. But I grew up in a more "closed" era so discussion of adoption ended at the usual stories about them "picking me out" etc.
I always, always wanted to search for my bparents and to find some answers to questions that plagued me. But because of the way opinions and laws were when I reached 18 and beyond, I couldn't do anything about it for many, many years.
I also was afraid of hurting my aparents as there was very little discussion about adoption at all.And when it came time for me to attempt my search, there still wasn't any discussion. (Probably my fault then as much as theirs.)
I guess my advice to anyone with an adopted child is to be "open" to talking about it and letting your child know that you understand if he/she asks questions. Let them know that you support him/her in searching if that is what they choose to do later on. Show confidence and faith in them.

One other thing - is to love them for who they are and understand that some things that seem very different to you may be in the "genes" so to speak.
My personality was very, very different than my aparents and sometimes a comment would be said like "what is wrong with you." "Why don't you like to do this?" For many years I actually felt that there may be something "wrong" with me until, that is, I reunited with my bfamily and found that my personality is very, very similar to theirs.

Lots of love to you and your little girl.
Hugs
Snuffie

[Julie631]

Inga,


My mother didn't tell my I was adopted until I was in college. My daddy never mentioned it. By that time, however, I had figured it out, as my older sister is only seven months older than me.

I was put up for adoption before birth and went to my adoptive home within a week after birth. I loverd my parents and my home. Even after my mother confirmed that I was adopted, it was never an issue with me. It was just the way it was. Love your little daughter. Treat her as any mom would. Hold her, read to her, rock her. Make her feel loved. Provide a foundation; give her life direction, just as you would for a baby to whom you gave birth. She is no different. You will do well.

Julie631

[nicnacpattywack]

Of course when i was adopted it was "encouraged" NOT to tell your kids they were adopted. You asked what the aparents did right. I hate to say it - and i don't mean to stir up any trouble but i think one of the best things they did for me was NOT to tell me. Let me put it this way....i know you must tell your children but i NEVER thought about "do they love me less because i am adopted" or "they " do they treat me better because i am adopted" ---it was never an issue. I think many kids today blame things on the fact they are adopted - but lets face it, no family is perfect and you can be born into a messed up family or adopted by one. All parents that want to have and love babies are NOT perfect. I was very blessed to have a great family with little to no disfunction (hard to believe in a day like today). I am well-adjusted and feel loved - i have no trouble with relationships and have a high self esteem (incredible huh?) I am NOAT patting myself on the back but telling what my aparents did right. They loved me and that was what it took!

[moordown66]

Hello - first time poster and all that. I'll also use the word Mum rather than Mom...can't help it...I'm English!

Anyway. I was always aware that I was adopted but that's as far as it went. Otherwise I was treated just like any other kid in a decent home. Told off when I was naughty, praised when I was good. Just as it's supposed to be in the text book!

They have their faults, and in retrospect could have done things better but those faults were not a result of adoption, they would have been apparent irrespective.

Now I'm a parent with 2 kids, I'm propbably making exactly the same mistakes!!!

[stone]

I am an adoptee-lite,which means adopted by one parent.My father is actually my adoptive father.My birthmom is my mom.The best thing he did for me was love me,and he was , he is, and he has always been just my Dad!!He loves me like he loves my brother{his bio son}.There are no differences in the bond.I am fortunate to have this wonderful man for my "DADDY".

[susiesgirl]

well they told me right off from day 1 that i was adopted. They never kept it secret altho amom says since reunion she wishes she never told me..but anyway, they also helped me search and was encouraging during the search. They paid the $$ for the best christmas present of my life.. my bmomma.
The got a mediator and found my bmomma.

[gottalaughmom]

Being open and honest is the most important thing a.parents should do. I've always known that I was adopted and have fond memories of my a.mother reading "The Chosen One" (a book about being adopted) to me as my bedtime story. I have 2 older brothers who are also adopted and when my a.mother mysteriously/miraculously gave birth to a healthy baby boy at age 38 (after years of miscarriages and being told she could never carry a baby to full term) - my brothers and I begged our parents to tell my younger brother that he was adopted so he could be "chosen" like we were. In our minds - anyone can be born, but only special people are chosen! Although my brothers and I don't know any of our b.moms, my parents often included them in our nightly prayers saying they were a blessing to our family. My a.mom often told me that I am blessed that my b.mom loved me so much that she put my needs before her own. As a result, I have never felt abandonment or anger - I've only felt special and grateful.

[Trophy Husband]

Nice to hear the positive stories. I just started a blog about adopting our daughter, www.adoptingemma.blogspot.com and have received some criticism for not understanding the problems my daughter - it is assumed will most surely - face.

I'm going to post some of the comments at the site. You all said it better than I did.

[karebear80]

I was adopted as an infant in 1980. From the beginning my parents (my aparents), told me as much as they knew as soon as i was able to understand. When i was five or six i started activley asking questions about adoption, and to explain it to me they took me to the animal shelter. They allowed me to choose any animal that i wanted, and put my name on the adoption certificate. I was able to grasp the idea about adoption more easily when they gave me an opportunity to experience a smaller scale version of adoption.

While growing up, my mom and dad were very supportive in my curiosity about my bparents, and allowed me to look at my non id info when i was about 16 or 17. the one thing i always want my aparents to know is that they will always be my parents, even if i find my bparents.

[~Ruthie R~]

What a great, thoughtful question!

For me, always knowing that I was adopted was a big plus. I don't remember a specific time I was told, it was just something I grew up knowing and I'm grateful for that.

I also have a 19 year old son who was adopted by my husband of 17 years. I was never married to his bdad. Because I was always so glad to have always known I was adopted, we raised him with the same knowledge from the get-go. Our other 2 children have always known as well, and we've been spared any difficulties or awkwardness regarding the issue.

Another thing I truly appreciate about my amom is that she has always been "supportive" about my desire to search out my bmom. I put "supportive" in quotes because even though she has absolutely no problem with my seeking, she isn't the warm/fuzzy/my-mom-is-my-friend type of mom who would get involved or help me in my endeavor. I think it would be horrible for an adoptee to want to search out information on their bfamily and not have the support of their afamily, especially Mom and/or Dad (my aparents divorced when I was a toddler, so dad's feelings weren't a concern since I never knew him anyway.)

My amom, bless her heart, did A LOT of things very, very wrong as the parent of 3 adopted children, but what she did right was to never treat us, or make us feel, as though we were anything different than her own flesh and blood. I feel very fortunate for that.

As an aside, my search for my bmom began in 1982 when I was 19, and only very recently culminated in finding out that she died in 2002. The reason that it took so long is that even though I had all the "normal" curiosities of an adoptee, there was always a part of me that wasn't sure if I really wanted to meet her, and I let all the "what ifs" stand in my way. The good news is that once I discovered she was no longer living, I was able to make contact with my older bbrother and my younger bsister. They have been AMAZINGLY welcoming, kind, supportive and helpful to communicate with me and share info about and pictures of our mother, and to welcome me into their lives.

Inga, I think you are off to a GREAT start as an amom!!! Already being concerned about her future concerns as an adoptee, and wanting what's best for the little blessing you've been given, speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. I'd say she is one very fortunate little girl!

Robin