[mom2justynsarah]

Hi,

My name is Julie. I am an adoptive mom with a beautiful 4 month old daughter. I also have a bio six year old son. My children are being raised together as brother & sister.

My son was conceived by the miracle of IVF. I was never able to bear another child. Adoption was ALWAYS an option to expand our family. It was never second best or a second choice.

Being that I come from the infertile world, I can tell you that I have quite a few friends who have also adopted. The intense desire to become parents have led us to the path of adoption. We CHERISH our children. They are very much WANTED, & DEEPLY DEEPLY LOVED.

The fact that we did not give birth to our babies, does not take away an ounce of them being our children. It has not affected bonding in any way. It most certainly has not taken away love.

I take offense to adoptees who look upon us as if we are just castaways. Don't you think it hurts us to have you think of us in such a negative light?

A lot of adoptees talk about feelings of abandonment, a hole in your heart..not belonging etc etc. I ask you- where have your PARENTS gone wrong in raising you? I wonder sometimes if it the lack of good solid, loving parenting that causes your depression?

It doesn't make sense to me that some adoptees say "I have wonderful adoptive parents..BUT...such and such was wrong." If they were that wonderful, what are you missing? What are your parents doing or not doing to cause you this much pain?

My daughter's birth family communicates with us via letters, pictures and phone calls. She will ALWAYS know how much she is loved by both families. But the truth is, I am her parent. I am her mom. I am the one raising her. I hope she never feels these negative feelings that a lot of adoptees describe.

Please enlighten me. I hope nobody has taken offense to my post.

Thanks,
Julie

[Montraviatommyg]

Julie,

I'm a bmum in reunion but just wanted to show a bit of support. I always refer to my bson's parents as simply that as that's exactly what they are. They actually went on to have a bio son after adopting but both have been treated exactly the same.

Philippa

[anifish]

Julie,
I am an adoptee. I would like to respond to your post. First I read your feelings of offense to adoptees who look at their adoptive parents as castaways. I think that you are taking the feelings of some adoptees as a personal attack on you. Not all and not most of the adoptees feel the way you describe. But sadly for some of the adoptees on this forum they have had a rotten upbringing and very disfunctional familys. It is not fair for me or anyone else to make them feel as if they are offending anyone. I understand that you are an adoptive parent but, you are not an adoptee. How can you be offended by something you have never experienced your self. No one has said that you, as your daughtors mother, have been casted away, or that your children won't be blessed with a loveing set of parents. Remember that even in adoption children can be robbed of the childhood they deserve. You wanted to know where our parents were. My mom and Dad were there to support me and love me my whole life. I cherish the love they have for me and the love I have for them. That didn't stop me from wondering why someone didn't keep me. (that was what i wondered when i was a kid) As I have grown up I have kids of my own and when I look at them, I can't help wondering where some of the features they have come from. Unfortunatly some adoptees aren't lucky enough to be able to talk about a happy childhood and who am I or anyone else to try to act like we know what it was like for them. Why do you put yourself in the same place as an adoptees parent that has been cast aside. Your children are to young to feel this way. I think it is unfair to be hurt about a personal situation that has nothing to do with you. I feel that the "hole" as you call it has always been with me because I would like to believe that there is a wonderfull person out there that I can thank for the life they have given me. I am so glad that I had a great mom and don't have to wish I could have another. She wasn't perfect and when I was litlle and angry with her sure I wished I had another mom and of course who did I think about. What bio child doesn't wish for another set of parents when they are ticked about something.
Also about some of us saying "I had wonderfull parents but such and such was wrong." What makes me or any other adoptee any different then a bio child. We all have things we would have wanted our parents to do differently and I know that my kids well have there own ideas of what I could have done differently. And if we have a safe place where there are others that will listen to the good and the bad we should be able to do it and hope that we don't offend anyone. But I guess that won't happen hopefully we can explain how we feel and help enlighten people about our feelings.
You are right you are your daughters mother and you are the one raising her and hopefully she will benefit from having an open adoption. Some adoptees aren't that lucky. She will have all her questions and all of her feelings allowed to be out on the table, unless she is afraid of hurting you. Hopefully if you do everything that you say you are going to do, then your daughter won't have those feelings. You are her mom and she is your daughtor but that doesn't change that she is a adoptee. Complete with all the same questions. The emotions we feel are ours and we are the only ones to feel them. It is nice to have support but it only soothes them. Sometimes you won't be able to understand because you have't walked that path. Again there are a lot of adoptees that aren't as lucky as your daughter. Please don't be offended by their feelings it is not about you. I could never understand how it would feel to be an adoptive parent. I could never think that I could. Ihave not done it. And I can't claim to know what I have not felt myself. Hope you don't think I was to brutal but you did ask .Good luck with your family Andi

[6boysrus]

I have wonderful adoptive parents- never had any questions growing up and NEVER felt like I was not their biological child.

Adoption was a ONE TIME event in my life and it is NOT an ongoing process.

Adoption is not supposed to differentiate our place in this world.. Whether we are raised by adoptive parents or by our natural parents. It wasnt set up to make any distinction between the two.

Genetically I may have been predisposed, but my character, my values, my moral belief system was shaped by my parents. No one else, to them Biology/genetics did not matter one ounce. Nor does it to me either. I know who my parents are- there never has been a doubt in my mind.

Contrary to what you see on the boards.. there are many adoptees who dont grow up wondering, who have no questions because we are content with who we are.
Curiosity more so strikes for me now as Im older, but its definately not a necessity or desire to know.

Yvonne

[RiverGal]

Hi Julie. I am a birthmother and I wanted to say that I also hope the daughter I relinquished never has those negative feelings, either.

You posted:

I take offense to adoptees who look upon us as if we are just castaways. Don't you think it hurts us to have you think of us in such a negative light?

I can relate to your feelings from another side of triad. As birthmothers, many of us have been accused of "abandoning" our "unwanted" children. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

My bdaughter was relinquished to a wonderful, loving family where she could be a princess instead of a casuality of my inadequacies at that time in my life. "Abandoned," IMO, is placed in a public toilet or dumpster...left in a mall...not placed in loving, nurturing arms.

Like Philippa said, my bdaughter's parents are just that...her parents. They raised her, sat up at night when she was sick, held her when she was afraid, paced the floor the night of her first date, stood with her at her wedding and held her hand as she birthed her own children.

I hope, like you, she was told that she was loved by her birthfamily and that the decision was made not because we didn't "want" her, but because we wanted MORE for her.

I have many adoptee friends. They are well adjusted, happy, grounded individuals...some in reunions, some not....but they are not defined by the fact they were adopted many years ago.

Just love your kids to the best of your ability. That's all any parent can do.

~Deb

[mom2justynsarah]

Thank you for your responses. It has helped to shed some light on a common theme I see running rampant in many adoption boards (extreme negativity and unhappy adoptees).

Of course I have no idea what it is like to be an adoptee and vice versa. Heck, most fertile people can't relate to the intense pain and anguish that infertility can do to a person (especially us women).

I have gotten so many people tell me" You already have one child. Why do you need another? "Your too old for having more children." Or the classic "If you want more kids, just borrow mine." The best was always "Why don't you just adopt? "Go to Russia or someplace and adopt an orphan baby." etc etc.

Anyway- I wasn't taking anything personal per se. I wholeheartedly support these forum boards. I was just being raw and honest about my feelings at the time. We all should be able to express our feelings whether negatively, harsh, brutally honest etc. The truth is, we are ALL in this together.

God bless and happy mother's day to ALL the mama's out there!

Julie

[Sammie86Sosa]

My adoptive father was great but that didnt help me with the fact where did i get my eye color, how did i get my disorders. my mother she made it known i was adopted and her love wasnt the same as if i was blood. I know this cus of how she treated my cosins and everything.

I dont blame adoption for everything, i blame the situations atound my adoption.

Happy mothers day to you.

[FauxClaud]

Personally, this is the problem with adoption.
It's a gamble. One does not know when they either place or adopt a child, if that child will grow up and feel OK or not. I know lots of adoptees that have had great childhoods by great adoptive parents and they still have a great need to know who it is from which they came from. I don;t think it has too much to do with an adoptive parent lacking..or being "wrong"..it is just the temperment of the individual.
Now, with that..if the key to loving a person is accepting them unconditionallly, then that means loving their true temperment and all that goes with it. And if you do adopt, then this is the chance that one must take...you might have a child that has the gaping hole that only their true heritage can fill to make them feel right in themselves. If it is about you..the parent..and how it effects your feelings..then I do feel that you are not doing the child/adult adoptee justice. I look it at as the same way I would if one of my children was to be gay...I would love them and want them to be happy no matter what it ment to me ( no grandkids..etc.) It's not about me..it's what they need. It would be wrong for me to ask them to change what they are.
You can't cange that a child is adopted no matter how much you do all the thngs that a parent does. They still have a loss whether you or even if they see it. You can be the greatest parent on the face of the planet, but if that child needs more..more than we are capable of giving..more than it is possible for you to give...no matter how great your intentions? Who are we to ask that they just be happy with all that they have been given...becasue that's all that they can get..becasue they were adopted? Tough luck..you got all the good things that any kid needs..now get over it? Shush..don't you dare be so ungreatful!
Nah..that doesn't work for me.
To me..adoption is kinda like the concept of original sin. It creates a child with the possibility for these feelings of lack of self worth, rejection..whathave you by the very nature of the adoption. Whether these issues will develop or not...that's a mater of personality, enviorment, etc. but the fact is that they could. So..a gamble.
We all gamble that a child will NOT feel anything negative associated with adotion, but by the sheer volumn of threads that say otherwise..we are all fools if we think it cannot happen to our children just becasue we don't want it to, or even if we do everything in our power to prevent it. It can. it does, and it sure doesn't make their feelings any less real or desirable if that is the case. THAT, to me, is extremely wrong

[chris1965]

Julie, I think I was about 5, maybe 6 years-old when it was explained to me for the first time by my parents that I was adopted. Of course at that age I couldn't really fathom the whole process of what being adopted was really about until I learned about the birds and the bees. But I did understand the basic fact that I was 'given away'. I had loving and wonderful parents. But why was I given away, really? Now I was told, as many adoptees are, that I was relinguished because my 'other' mother truly loved me and just wanted to give me a better life. But they knew nothing about my birth mother as was typical in a closed adoption.

My adoptive parents have always felt natural to me. I didn't really look or act too much like them and dispite the fact that many friends and family had always known I was adopted, I never once felt like I didn't belong. Being adopted was just 'one of those things'. I did begin to search for more information and details on my adoption and my birth parents when I was in my early twenties some, but it wasn't until about 3 years ago that I decided to search in earnest. In no way was I 'casting away' my parents. I just wanted to know more about my adoption and about my birth parents. I felt I had a right. This I'm sure is the typical sentiment of the vast majority of adoptees that are searching.

Yeah, there are a few sour apples out there.

My search experence was about like dealing with that annoying call center guy on the credit card commerical that just said NOOOOO. The courts, the hospital, vital stats, you name it. I was told I had no right to my information and personally thought I was made to feel like a child for even dare asking. Now I think this is where the anger that is expressed by many adoptees you encounter lay. It's not against their adoptive parents, but against the secrecy, arrogance, and withheld information in general. Afterall, we've been dwelling on 'why and how' for as long as we can remember. It sounds like you have a semi-open adoption with your daugher. Looking back, I had wished I had known more about my birth mother at a young age. You seem like a caring, loving, and honest mother and your daugher is very lucky in that you are trusting of her of knowing about her birth mother.

And yes, not all adoptive parents are perfect. Mine weren't. They're people too. But I love them. And they love me and couldn't imagine my life being any different.
I would think that the vast majority of adoptees would feel the same way.

Chris

[l-thompson]

And yes, not all adoptive parents are perfect. Mine weren't. They're people too. But I love them. And they love me and couldn't imagine my life being any different.

My a/parents were not perfect either but I believe they did the very best that they could.....what more can one ask for. The difficulties I experienced were not because I was adopted....I have never felt the need or desire to blame my life experiences on that fact. I grew up in a family and all families have their ups and downs....children have good times and bad....adopted children AND biological children.

My desire to search for my birthparents had nothing to do with the parenting skills of my mother and father...
The birth of my daughter just intensified a desire to find out the story of me, not only for myself but for this beautiful child I had just given birth to. I wanted to know my biological family history - for me, it was important. I also appreciate some adoptees have no desire to search and I respect their decision not to.

Respect and understanding that we are all individuals and different things drive us is important to accept.
If your adopted child(ren) do decide to search in the future please don't take it as a personal slight or as a measure of the job you have done as a parent.......in most cases I do not believe this is what propels an adoptee into searching for their biological parents.

[Montraviatommyg]

Adoption can be such a messy situation. Not all bio parents are good parents - I know a few that are less than perfect as they don't look after their children very well for various reasons. When a child is adopted we (bmums) expect/assume our children to go to good loving homes as we do believe that the parents want a child so much the child will be loved more than anything. Since being a member I have read some awful stories which have made me realise much more about adoption. If my bson had suffered as other adoptees have I don't think I could have forgiven myself for allowing myself to be talked into his adoption.

No parent is absolutely perfect but most try the best they can for their child(ren) so it saddens me that there are many bad experiences.

Philippa

[kyle green]

ARGH YOU MAKE ME ANGRY!!!!! Yes, I take offense to your post.

It's not how you said it, it's what you said.

"A lot of adoptees talk about feelings of abandonment, a hole in your heart..not belonging etc etc Where did ur parents go WRONG"

Jeez girl, yeah some of us adoptees are gonna feel that. We were given away, regardless of the reason. Do you expect us to not feel?

My bmom gave me away because she was in a divorce, already had a child, and couldn't afford to take care of me. Now that I'm 21, mature, and able to comprehend the financial issues that were at play there, I'm fine with it, but when I was a kid all I wondered was "why didn't she keep me?" or "whats wrong with me?"

I still look at my parents as random individuals who I was not born to. I care about them a great deal but it does not change the fact that the blood that runs through my veins and gives me life did not come from them.

If a person CAN feel a certain way, someone WILL. Does that enlighten you enough?

[RiverGal]

Wow! An adoptive mom comes here with legitimate questions in search of some insight. How could that make anyone "angry?" But, as was posted by kyle green:

If a person CAN feel a certain way, someone WILL.

Personally, I admire the fact that she is concerned enough about her child's future emotions to come here and ask adoptees for insight. I wish my bdaughter's mom had taken the same inititive, but she instead chose to keep it a secret.

Sure, there are wounded adoptees on the forum...also wounded birthmothers and adoptive parents. Does that mean that ALL people effected by adoption are filled with longings, regrets, anger and feelings of abandonment? Hardly. A public forum is a very small sampling of the adoption community, IMO.

JMO ~Deb

[l-thompson]

A public forum is a very small sampling of the adoption community, IMO.

I agree totally and I do believe its a point that is at times overlooked when people are reading the forums. The opinions expressed are from a very small group of members from the triad...best to keep everything in perspective as there is a danger of reading too much into things

[katie_darlyn]

Originally Posted by chris1965

. I was told I had no right to my information and personally thought I was made to feel like a child for even dare asking. Now I think this is where the anger that is expressed by many adoptees you encounter lay. It's not against their adoptive parents, but against the secrecy, arrogance, and withheld information in general.

YES! Personally, just that bit has had me so angry I wept. Seriously.


I am one of those people that feels that "My adoptive parents are wonderful, but...." What is the but? I know who I am and how I was raised and why. I know what I've been taught, and how I have lived. I know my adoptive family history, and I know my own personal medical history. I know who I am, where I want to be, and, for the most part, what I want to do with my life. But I'd really like to know where ELSE I come from.

There are so many things that set me apart from my adoptive family, and I would like to know where I get those things. But that's mostly just curiosity. The most important thing to me is my MEDICAL history. Correction: my biological family's medical history. It is entirely probable that having that information would already have saved me thousands of dollars at the least.

And so I am angry. I am angry because I am told at every turn that I HAVE NO RIGHT to this information. That I have NO RIGHT to my MEDICAL INFORMATION. It is information that I NEED, and I do believe that, if nothing else, I ABSOLUTELY have a right to it.