[JPDakota]

quote]I take offense to adoptees who look upon us as if we are just castaways. Don't you think it hurts us to have you think of us in such a negative light?
Believe it or not, I get that. The thing is, how I feel is how I feel. Each of has their own truth. I'm not comfortable with some of the things I've read here, and some people are not comfortable with what I have to say. As a data person, I'm not so good with "most", for example, without real empirical numbers. And the term "triad"? But at the end of the day, folks like me and all of you are just as entitled to our feelings as everyone else is. I'm not saying that anyone else is wrong. I am saying that I am right about me. Does that make any sense?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

quote]I take offense to adoptees who look upon us as if we are just castaways. Don't you think it hurts us to have you think of us in such a negative light?
Believe it or not, I get that. The thing is, how I feel is how I feel. Each of has their own truth. I'm not comfortable with some of the things I've read here, and some people are not comfortable with what I have to say. As a data person, I'm not so good with "most", for example, without real empirical numbers. And the term "triad"? But at the end of the day, folks like me and all of you are just as entitled to our feelings as everyone else is. I'm not saying that anyone else is wrong. I am saying that I am right about me. Does that make any sense?

I know it is hard for most, some, etc.

For myself, I deal with about 30 birthmoms and a regular basis. We email at lest once a week on a list, and meet at least once a year. There are 50 on the list, and I have met all of them. There used to be 100 of those 100 I met about 25 face to face.

What I am getting at, even at only 30 bmoms who talk often for over 10 years.

I base my most, some few, on this group.

Those I was on another group that had 500 bmoms, and a 1000 when I left.

So for me personally, if I say most, I mean most out a 100, that I Know their story and have asked the questions.

This is not counting the other 5o or more I attended group support with for over 3 years, or the 30 from a retreat I spent a weekend with.

Of that 100, 95 would not do it again, give up a child.
Of that 100, 75 have found.
Of that 100, 60 have on going relationships.
Of that 100, 6 found and did not meet, for really stupid reasons.

one example, a bmom who is an emergency room doc and her husband (not the bdad) is also a doctor. She found her birthdau, the bdau told her, she was not good enough to be part of her family, she was not high class enough. strange I know, but true.

One bmom who I see a couple of times a year, intelligent, a fine woman who had no other children. Her bson just didn't want to meet her. She never did find out why. She battled cancer and he knew and still didn't want to meet her.

A couple bmoms found drug addicts.

Another attended her bson's wedding and stood up with the amom at the wedding. She was present when the grandbaby was born and was just down last month from Canada to help babysite the grandchild with the amom grandmother.

Another bmom goes on vacations with bson and his afamily.

Another bmom who is also an adoptee, found 3 sisters and her bmom. She found her own daughter and has a great relationship.

So for me, I have a good base in numbers of bmoms, reunited with relationships, not reunited, no relationship or still looking. That is where I base my, some, few, many, and the exceptions.

One in NY her bdau and children come every summer to stay with her.

For the most part, the 30 who I email everyweek are doing great.

[JPDakota]

I'm glad they're doing well.
Yeah, I get you. That's your experience. Mine, of course, is different. We run in different circles, adoptees in my case. It is always hard to get your arms around self-reported data. I keep debating doing actual research. Could be interesting.
There are some stats according to Adoption.com: In a study whose results are accessible at this site, 6 in 10 Americans have had personal experience with adoption, meaning that they themselves, a family member, or a close friend was adopted, had adopted a child, or had placed a child for adoption. (Evan B. Donaldson Institute, 1997). Roughly 300,000,000 Americans at 60%. That's a staggering 180 million personal adoption stories. Isn't that an awesome number?

But my larger point is that things like "most" bother me, like what I feel bothers other people. You are certainly not the minority on this forum. And you get to have your opinion. Everybody supports that. I have a different opinion, one that's not so much supported here.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

I'm glad they're doing well.
Yeah, I get you. That's your experience. Mine, of course, is different. We run in different circles, adoptees in my case. It is always hard to get your arms around self-reported data. I keep debating doing actual research. Could be interesting.
There are some stats according to Adoption.com: In a study whose results are accessible at this site, 6 in 10 Americans have had personal experience with adoption, meaning that they themselves, a family member, or a close friend was adopted, had adopted a child, or had placed a child for adoption. (Evan B. Donaldson Institute, 1997). Roughly 300,000,000 Americans at 60%. That's a staggering 180 million personal adoption stories. Isn't that an awesome number?

But my larger point is that things like "most" bother me, like what I feel bothers other people. You are certainly not the minority on this forum. And you get to have your opinion. Everybody supports that. I have a different opinion, one that's not so much supported here.

But at least you have information of all kinds to work from.

Even if none of it is ever of any use to you. Or your experince is totally different than anyone's before.

When I went into reunion with my father there was nothing written down. No one to talk too.

Sure I was 8 when my adoption happened. The ultimate open adoption. I knew them, had phone numbers. But I was the one calling, not them. Then my dad and his new family moved away.

When I was 19 they were back and we started the reunion. What I found out, half adopted or not, according to what you read, I was a text book adoptee. Trying like crazy to belong and never feeling I did.
My half sister recently told I was driving people back and it wasn't until I stopped trying so hard that it was easier to accept me. Wow, do you know how long that was?

I was 19 when I started my relationship with my dad and my younger half sibs. I was married with two kids, so I never lived with them. That would have been 1967. I didn't stop trying, until I started searching for my own son, in 1998. Then it was still a couple of years before I stopped trying. When dad got married again after his wife, my stepmom, died.

So I was on the outside beating on that window for a lot of years. Because we didn't know what reunion was or that we were living it.

We all assumed, because it was a step parent adoption that there wasn't an issue.

We were wrong. So, I do know what you are talking about.

My next door neighbor is a bmom, i found out when I was searching. She won't look, but if he knocks on her door she will welcome him.

[Nalyd_loved_forever]

I am an adoptive mother and my best friend of 25 years is an adoptee, so I can sort of see things from both sides of the coin.

I wouldn't say my best friend's adoptive family was the best. Really, what family is perfect. Parents are humans too, capable of mistakes just like everybody else. For as long as I can remember I always knew she was adopted. It was as much a part of her as her hair color. But growing up was not easy. Children can be and are cruel. I can remember classmates saying some very nasty and cruel things to her. "Your real mom didn't want you" or "Your REAL mom didn't love you. She gave you away". I can remember excusing myself from class on a couple of occasions only to find her in the girl's bathroom sobbing because of comments like these. So even if she never had issues with abandonment, the kids at school almost guaranteed she did. When she turned 18 she began the search and soon found her birth mother. I cannot begin to describe her emotions on learning where some of her quirks came from or the simple knowledge that she and her birth mother had the same nose. Ironically, her other siblings, who are also adopted, have never showed any interest in finding their birth mothers. All of them were raised pretty much the same way. All of them shared similar adoption experiences.

Now I am an adoptive mom. I am so lucky that my son will have someone to talk to if he ever shares any of her feelings. His adoption was closed, something I regret deeply. It all happened so quickly, that we scrambled franticly so we could bring him home. The meaning of "closed adoption" did not set in until weeks later. I have decided to answer his question as truthfully as I can and give as much information as possible (but I want to make sure that the info is age appropriate). What ever his feelings may be, I and my husband will stand beside him. And when, or if, the time comes for him to search for his birth mother, well we will be there for that too. For him I would move mountains with my bare hands.... He is young now, but I never want him to feel like the feelings he could, would, or should have are negligible. And I don't want to feel like I failed as a mother to him simply because he wishes to find his birth mother or because of abandonment issues he may/may not have. I, nor my husband, know if this is the right approach but it is what we have decided to do because we both believe this is what is best for our son.