[Cully]

[quote=mom2justynsarah]Hi,

My name is Julie. I am an adoptive mom with a beautiful 4 month old daughter. I also have a bio six year old son. My children are being raised together as brother & sister.

My son was conceived by the miracle of IVF. I was never able to bear another child. Adoption was ALWAYS an option to expand our family. It was never second best or a second choice. <snip>
The fact that we did not give birth to our babies, does not take away an ounce of them being our children. It has not affected bonding in any way. It most certainly has not taken away love. <snip>
A lot of adoptees talk about feelings of abandonment, a hole in your heart..not belonging etc etc. I ask you- where have your PARENTS gone wrong in raising you? I wonder sometimes if it the lack of good solid, loving parenting that causes your depression? <snjp>

Julie, my family (adopted) was like you...they wanted a child and it never occured to them that I wasn't *really* theirs because I wasn't blood related. My grandma always said, "Family is everything, but family is not always blood."
The depression that we adoptees are often overtaken by doesn't always come from our adoptive parents. I had a cousin who never missed an opportunity to tell me I wasn't wanted and I wasn't really part of the family. Her dad (my mom's brother) caught her one day and from then on it stopped. BUT, when I went to school I heard even more and very cruel statements about myself and my birth-mother. I'm thinking that most adoptees (and birth-mothers) experience this self-righteous judgement making by family, strangers, and society in general; and, if we don't have a soft place to fall then we start believing it and not only think poorly of ourselves but resent our lives and the people in it.
You are the soft place for your children - God bless you for that!!
hugz,
Cully

[Missourimomtobe]

Cully, thanks for this comment:

My grandma always said, "Family is everything, but family is not always blood."

That sums it all up so beautifully, doesn't it?

Peace,
Sally

[Cully]

When you think about it... every family begins with adoption. Two people adopt eachother and eachother's families and thereby become one.
Congratulations, Sally on Alia Rose-Lyn your beautiful daughter!
hugz,
Cully

[bee28]

please read "The Primal Wound". this book was written by an adoptive mother and she speaks wonderfully on behalf of all parties involved.

[pharm]

So many different posts and so many different opinions. I am an adoptee. Never adopted a child myself. I never felt a "hole" an "emptiness". I honestly just felt a curiousity. Is my birthmother Sofia Loren? Is my birthmother Margaret Thatcher? Silly things like that. As I grew older and became aware of some health issues, and as I started having my own children, this became more of an issue. However, I am not "desperate" to find her.

Someone said to me once: Health concerns have to start somewhere. Your biomother may have never even had these concerns that you have. You may be the first. They were right.

Now I have adopted the attitude (please excuse the pun) that if I find her, I find her, if I don't I don't.

My parents (and I dont even use the term aparents) are my parents, they are the ones that raised me. That stayed up with me all night when I was teething. They are the ones that waited up all night when I snuck out of the house in a snowstorm. They are the ones that paid for my college. They are the ones that support and love my husband and children and myself unconditionally.

I feel I am just the opposite. Even though I have children of my own, and I understand the unconditional love of a child. I think: how on earth could my biomother possibly....even remotely...love me as much as my parents when she has no idea who I am.

I dont resent her, I'm not mad she "gave me up". I'm thankful, I'm happy and I admire her. But I admire my parents even more after reading all these posts by potential adoptive parents for their struggles and challenges all for want of sharing their love with a child.

Anyway, just my 2cents if it helps any Julie. I would be happy to talk to you more if you have any questions from an adoptees side.

pharm

[KR_adoptee]

There will always be a hole in my heart because I was given up my biological mother. I think it makes it even harder because you can't say that to your adoptive parents.

Now that I know who my biological mother is I feel very cheated out of the life I would have had with her. Her family is everything that mine is not.

I think it's very hard to be raised by people who look completely different, and act completely different with a different personality, abilities, interests, etc. I know my parents wanted me to be like my cousins (their biological nieces and nephews). I grew up knowing I wasn't smart enough, or athletic enough, or successfull enough. I was this very shy, sensitive kid being raised by people who hated everything about me. They tried to do everything to make me like my cousins and suceeded only in making me feel like a failure. I know had they known who I was when they adopted me, they never would have choosen me.

On paper, my adoptive parents were great parents, I had a stay-at-home mom, and a dad who would provide the big house and everything I wanted. But I knew from the day they told me I was adopted and they lost their son, everything changed, and I knew they really wanted their son, and I was just a bad replacement for him.

I would never adopt a child, I really believe that parents should raise their own children, or be raised by family members. Because I feel adopted kids are ever really accepted into a family, no matter what people say. That was so true of not just myself, but a few of my yonger cousins that were adopted as well. We were even marked as "adopted" on the family tree, so not to be confused with the 'real' family members.

[083174lubbocktx]

Julie,

I can understand only a little, but not the abandonment part. Some parents were not open about the adoption and maybe that is feeling is confused with the feeling of being deceived. Also some children were adopted later than infancy and that can hold true to the feeling of abandonment (my opinion-only) My parents were ALWAYS open with me about me being adopted. I didn't feel that way, but a person adopted or not looks to see whom they look or act like. It is just a way of knowing one's self and feel out a place in their own hearts and minds. I never questioned my parents love, but always wondered about the beginings of my life for my sense of self. I don't know if this helps. Best of luck.

Ashley

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

Hi,

My name is Julie. I am an adoptive mom with a beautiful 4 month old daughter. I also have a bio six year old son. My children are being raised together as brother & sister.

My son was conceived by the miracle of IVF. I was never able to bear another child. Adoption was ALWAYS an option to expand our family. It was never second best or a second choice.

Being that I come from the infertile world, I can tell you that I have quite a few friends who have also adopted. The intense desire to become parents have led us to the path of adoption. We CHERISH our children. They are very much WANTED, & DEEPLY DEEPLY LOVED.

The fact that we did not give birth to our babies, does not take away an ounce of them being our children. It has not affected bonding in any way. It most certainly has not taken away love.

I take offense to adoptees who look upon us as if we are just castaways. Don't you think it hurts us to have you think of us in such a negative light?

A lot of adoptees talk about feelings of abandonment, a hole in your heart..not belonging etc etc. I ask you- where have your PARENTS gone wrong in raising you? I wonder sometimes if it the lack of good solid, loving parenting that causes your depression?

It doesn't make sense to me that some adoptees say "I have wonderful adoptive parents..BUT...such and such was wrong." If they were that wonderful, what are you missing? What are your parents doing or not doing to cause you this much pain?

My daughter's birth family communicates with us via letters, pictures and phone calls. She will ALWAYS know how much she is loved by both families. But the truth is, I am her parent. I am her mom. I am the one raising her. I hope she never feels these negative feelings that a lot of adoptees describe.

Please enlighten me. I hope nobody has taken offense to my post.

Thanks,
Julie

[Linnie65]

Originally Posted by KR_adoptee

There will always be a hole in my heart because I was given up my biological mother. I think it makes it even harder because you can't say that to your adoptive parents.

Now that I know who my biological mother is I feel very cheated out of the life I would have had with her. Her family is everything that mine is not.

I think it's very hard to be raised by people who look completely different, and act completely different with a different personality, abilities, interests, etc. I know my parents wanted me to be like my cousins (their biological nieces and nephews). I grew up knowing I wasn't smart enough, or athletic enough, or successfull enough. I was this very shy, sensitive kid being raised by people who hated everything about me. They tried to do everything to make me like my cousins and suceeded only in making me feel like a failure. I know had they known who I was when they adopted me, they never would have choosen me.

On paper, my adoptive parents were great parents, I had a stay-at-home mom, and a dad who would provide the big house and everything I wanted. But I knew from the day they told me I was adopted and they lost their son, everything changed, and I knew they really wanted their son, and I was just a bad replacement for him.

I would never adopt a child, I really believe that parents should raise their own children, or be raised by family members. Because I feel adopted kids are ever really accepted into a family, no matter what people say. That was so true of not just myself, but a few of my yonger cousins that were adopted as well. We were even marked as "adopted" on the family tree, so not to be confused with the 'real' family members.

First, I am very sorry that your adoption was clearly not the best of situations. However, I must offer another point of view.

I was adopted and I have NEVER felt any "hole in my heart." My situation was different, my parents tried and tried and were never able to successfully get and stay pregnant. Both my brother and I were adopted. They love us unconditonally. I have over 20 cousins, none of whom were adopted and ALL of whom accepted us with no questions asked or any "conditions," we are cousins.

A cousin of my husband's has adopted several children and she is doing some family history. We have talked about the adoption part of it and yes, she is marking her children as adopoted, but not because they are not her "real" children, but because in a "pure" genealogy sense, they are not in the "blood" line. If she didn't think they belonged in the family tree, she wouldn't include them at all.

I have to disagree when you say that children should always be raised by their biological parents or relatives. I think that the great majority of adoptive parents are like this original poster and my parents. Yes, there are exceptions and those break my heart (your case and others here on this forum as well). But by and large, it is the exception. I KNOW that I would not have been better off raised by my biological mother.

Just my 2 cents

[Nicole28]

"I would never adopt a child, I really believe that parents should raise their own children, or be raised by family members. Because I feel adopted kids are ever really accepted into a family, no matter what people say."

Here's what I say - as far as I know, my parent's could not concieve, and so adoption was one of their only options. You know what? In reality, it isn't always in the best interest of the child to be raised by their biological families...this is why we have a foster care system, etc. in our country. The idea that children are "better off" raised by their bio-families is very narrow-minded...that is like saying "Well, this child's biological family are alcoholics and physically abusive, but at least this child is being raised by his biological parent's!" It's almost like denial in my opinion. In some circumstances, I agree that it might have been better for an adoptee to be raised by their biological family, but, in most situations, the adoptive family wants nothing more in the entire world than to welcome a baby into their home, and to love them and raise them. Adoptive parents with other motives for adopting are an entirely different story. And remember also that, if you believe children should only be raised by their own parent's, then accepting a child who was raised by another family member goes against what you've just said. Another family member would not equal a biological parent - so that's a small contradiction.

As far as believing that no adopted child is accepted into their adoptive family, I strongly disagree. I think that is the experience of very few adoptees. I have the most incredible extended family: I am extremely close with my grandmother, and I have great, close relationships with my cousins and aunts & uncles. I am the only "adopted" member of my family, but no one makes it a big deal. I don't even think some of my younger cousins know I'm adopted, and if they do, it's never something they think about. No question about it, I am as much a part of my family as anyone else. I am very much hoping to adopt a baby of my own someday, and my long-term boyfriend (we have plans to be married when we graduate in the next couple of years) can't wait to have kids and would welcome an adopted child with open arms. He has no experience with adoption, and doesn't understand a lot of my feelings about it, but he understands that families come in all shapes and sizes.

I wish that your experience had been a more positive one.

Nicole

[Linnie65]

VERY well said Nicole!

[shirleyville]

KR,

I wish that your experience had been a more positive one.

I have to echo Nicole, on this one! I am terribly sorry you had such a negative experience......and sadly, there are parents that become parents in all sorts of different ways (adoption and biological included) that make a lot of mistakes along the way -- and some that flat out should never have children in their lives at all. Poor parenting comes in as many different packages as there are unique situations....it's a sobering fact of life, to be sure.
I also have to echo Linnie in saying....

I KNOW that I would not have been better off raised by my biological mother.

That also goes for my biological father, as well.
While they are (or were, in my deceased birthfather's case) lovely people, I know, without fail, my life wouldn't be anything it is today had I remained in their lives. Extreme poverty, alcoholism, abuse and a "family dynamic" of bitterness toward life, would have placed me on an entirely different path early in life.
My adoptive parents were't perfect, by any means....families are never perfect -- but I was raised in a moral, stable, financially secure life. I had an opportunity for education and experiences that I would never have been afforded, had I been raised by my biological family. I wouldn't have traded one moment of it for anything -- not life with my biological family....not for ten million dollars.
In so many instances, we have to use our God Given attitudes, apptitudes, and drive to rise above situations in our lives -- to choose a strong, positive life for ourselves, rather than looking to the past as a "measure" of who and what we are. We can choose to be a victim or a victor. It's ultimately up to us to decide which to be.
Again, I am so sorry for the circumstances you have faced, in your past.....you have an amazing life ahead of you, so focus on the present and the future, and choose the victor role for yourself!!!!! Don't let the past hold you down!!
Hugs,
Sally

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Nicole28

"I would never adopt a child, I really believe that parents should raise their own children, or be raised by family members. Because I feel adopted kids are ever really accepted into a family, no matter what people say."

Here's what I say - as far as I know, my parent's could not concieve, and so adoption was one of their only options. You know what? In reality, it isn't always in the best interest of the child to be raised by their biological families...this is why we have a foster care system, etc. in our country. The idea that children are "better off" raised by their bio-families is very narrow-minded...that is like saying "Well, this child's biological family are alcoholics and physically abusive, but at least this child is being raised by his biological parent's!" It's almost like denial in my opinion. In some circumstances, I agree that it might have been better for an adoptee to be raised by their biological family, but, in most situations, the adoptive family wants nothing more in the entire world than to welcome a baby into their home, and to love them and raise them.
Nicole

((Nicole))

Thank you for your wonderful post!!! (((hugs)))

I guess I fail to see where blood makes someone a family. I have grown up in my blood family for my entire life and I am not one bit like any of them. I was never accepted, never loved, always too sensitive, too emotional, too this or too that. Just because I have the same blood in my veins means NOTHING. Blood doesn't keep you warm, it doesn't put a set of arms around you when you are hurting or down, it doesn't care if you have the same DNA or not, blood is just that, something that sustains our life. It does not make our life. My family's blood is in my veins, but I would have rather had a warm set of supporting arms to hold me and guide me instead of someone who thinks I am a possession because I was created by them.

Love is what matters. Love is what makes you feel like you can fly or if you want to die. Love, support, acceptance and honesty is the basis that each of us need to have a healthy start in life.

For my children, I choose to have open adoptions with their bparents, not because they have the same blood, but because they love and care for these children. Love is the common element to me, not blood. Blood means nothing to me. Take any child that was abused or left emotionally numb from their blood families and ask them how they feel about blood? One always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, sometime it is not.

[scrammy25]

Julie,

Thanks for your post and opening it up to us adoptees. Just so you know, I had an unusual relationship with my adoptive family. I was the only girl, so my aparents always felt that that was why I felt different.. Not the case, I have met my entire bfamily and I can tell youthat I totally fit in there. I can't explain why I felt different, I just did. I loved my afamily and I thought they loved me. Since my reunion with my bmother, I still have contact with my 4 abrothers, but not with my aparents. After I found and developed a relationship with my bfamily, my aparents were offended and no matter how much I told them that I always appreciated them and their raising me, they "abandoned" me. I was officially disowned by my aparents. My bmother didn't abandon me, they did. How much sense does that make? My adad kept telling me that my bmom abandoned me at birth, which was not true. I know her story, he doesn't. My bmom gave me up because she had another child, was 19 and didn't have the money to raise me. Despite the fact that her "friends" tried to abort me, I was born. She gave me up out of necessity, not because she didn't love me. Unfortunately, I think alot of us adoptees grow up being told that our bmom's didn't want us and abandoned us. In some cases this may be true, but in a large number of cases, it's done out of love for their children. I hope that I have given you some food for thought.

[KR_adoptee]

It always drove me crazy how superior my adoptive parents were about they 'saved' me from this terrible life, as if I would have been living on the street if they hadn't done such a noble thing as accepting someone else's child into their home.

Maybe now the only people who give up children are junkies or just very poor. My biological mother was perfectly capible of raising me, she only gave me up because her family is Catholic and they were ashamed of her. She came from normal middle class suburban family. And less than two years after I was born she had another child that she raised on her own. I wish I had his life. He grew up in a happy family with people who loved him, that's more than I got.

Instead I got stuck with an older couple, my adoptive mother was terminally ill by the time I was 12, dead when I was 16. What was the point of being adopted! It's all a crock. My adoptive father got remarried and wanted nothing to do with me. I got the crappy life the adoption agency was trying to avoid. I was 16 and completely on my own. But realistically, I know the adoption agency that placed me with them only cared about the big donation check my adoptive parents gave them that paid for me.

It was a real eye opener when I read about the Abolish Adoption movement. I'm not the only person that believes adoption is wrong. And why would so many adult adoptees be so desperately searching for their biological families if there wasn't something missing in their lives. I would never want to put a child through having to search to find who they really are.

[itsamiracle]

I ask you- where have your PARENTS gone wrong in raising you? I wonder sometimes if it the lack of good solid, loving parenting that causes your depression?

It doesn't make sense to me that some adoptees say "I have wonderful adoptive parents..BUT...such and such was wrong." If they were that wonderful, what are you missing? What are your parents doing or not doing to cause you this much pain?

Personally, my aparents raised me without love and with extremely high expectations. I became a perfectionist and as soon as I left the household, I turned into a disorganized, unsuccessful procrastinator. I walked the walk when I lived that life.......a life which was not mine. I had zero in common with them and yes, I felt like an outsider the whole way thru and even to this day. They did not hug/kiss me or tell me they love me. They did not attend any functions I was part of, yet I was expected to perform at an optimum level in all aspects of my life which I did do. Then turned into the real me once I left. My adoption was not to be discussed. I was adopted, end of story. No feelings involved, no acknowledgement. On top of this I was ignored. Sent to my room (which actually felt like an escape to me thank goodness) or simply punished with spankings by a 2x4 (glazed over with the words Mr. Do Right written on it), or made to be locked in a bathroom to eat a whole bar of soap, or grounded of course.....the least painful punishment. And yelling.....that goes without saying. I did great (on the surface) as a child to be proud of. Now I'm much more relaxed and living my life the way I want to........less intensely. How did I get off on this tangent!?

I guess what I'm getting to here (longwindedly) is that it sounds like you are a loving parent who cares for your child. You've made attempts to gather info for your child and I think that's fantastic. What that tells me is you plan to let your child discuss the matter. Maybe that makes all the difference in the world. I do believe it's the curiosity of it all that makes some of us adoptees feel a hole in their heart (as it's been put) and want more. Imagine not knowing ANYTHING. Although your child's bmom isn't currently in contact, you do have info on your child's history, heritage, etc. That will help tremendously. I have no doubt. Your child may want to know more, certainly that may be so, but at least SOME questions can be answered. And the child will have the openness of discussion regarding the subject matter, yes???

Another thing to always address is as others have stated, the lack of belonging. I always felt less related to my adad than is neice (his sister's daughter) and although his mother was very loving to me (thank goodness....I miss her), she did always keep more pictures up of my cousin (that same neice) than of me and my abrother. That always bothered me, as nice as she was to me. I didn't really belong. I knew that. Not only personalitywise, but of course, physically. These are just facts to address and be aware of. Discussing them with your child will really help. I really beleive that. Acknowledging the loss involved with the unknowing, and feelings of not belonging no matter how strong or weak will really help.

I hope that helps you in some way.

Merry Xmas.