[michele31mom]

My husband and I have a daughter who is 16 months old. Because I had a very difficult pregnancy and continuing medical issues for a year afterwards we are considering adoption for our second child. After reading so many of these posts I am truly scared that I will hurting a child by adopting them. My husband and I never even use the term bio-daughter or adopted child. We plan on just having "our children" grow up together in a home full of love and respect and unity.
Everyday children are born or adopted into horrible situations...I think that is sad and awful and unfair!! But it seems like some many of the adoptees on this board are missing pieces of themselves and miserable over being adopted or feel that they can't keep long term relationships or have been robbed of their birth mothers/fathers/families. Are any of you just happy people who the adoption did not make feel different from others? How can I, has a mother, not have my child post these thoughts on a board someday? You know what I mean? And we plan on adopting from another country so that would make a search for a biological family near impossible so how will that effect my child's future?

I was not adopted but my parents were not perfect at all. They both made a lot of mistakes and those mistakes effected the person that I am today. My goal as a mother is to not be perfect but to do my best and love my children everyday, no matter what. I can't promise that I will never make any mistakes.
We have very close friends who adopted a child and their "gotcha day" is such a big celebration and important day yet after reading these posts it is as if they are doing something very wrong. They love their daughter SOOO much and this day is all about that love. I feel like I would do sooo many things that in the future my child will say "that made me feel like a posession".
I am questioning my decision to adopt because I feel like there is no way that I can make my child not feel so many negative emotions. I am just a mother who wants to love her children. I do know a few things..I am hoping that these are 'correct"
-WE are blessed to have a second child...it is NOT the child who is "lucky" to be adopted by us
-The child will be treated NO differently than any other child in our family, extended family etc...
-Our children will be taught to care about ALL people, regardless of race, religion, or any other factor
-Our child will know the story of his adoption just as our daughter will know about my pregnancy. We will never hide the fact from him but we will not also make him feel that he is different because of it or focus on it all the time, just like we don't discuss my pregnancy all the time.
-We are honest with our children. If you ask a question, you get a honest answer. We don't lie.
I guess I am just looking to hear from people who don't considered themselves adopted but rather just children of 2 people who love them.

[LadyBugz]

I'm another prospective adoptive parent who was feeling much the same way you are. I would like to point out one fact that dh and I realized:

These forums are far more likely to have adopted people who are struggling with issues concerning their adoptions than adopted people who aren't.

I realized that because I saw several people say they were adopted and now here because they are looking into adopting. They didn't come because they were simply adopted, but because they want to be adoptive parents like us.

I asked several adopted (and well adjusted) people if they ever frequent places like this or look for support in other ways. They didn't even know such a thing existed and had no desire to come once they knew. One had an open adoption and was happy knowing both sides of her family (even though it had considerable issues), another was told who her bp were but had no desire to be in reunion, another knew nothing about her bfamily and had no desire to look. Those people simply don't seek out places like this for the most part.

Looking forward to hearing from adopted people, though, just like you! I'm glad they are here, whatever brought them, as it is a wonderful link into our future children's minds.

[6boysrus]

One happy adoptee with no issues...


I have had the most beautiful life as an adoptee!! I ave never felt like an outsider, never felt detached, never felt like I didnt belong.

The word adoption virtually has no meaning to me in my vocabulary I never felt as if my parents didnt have me as their own biolgical child. Nor do I to this day.

You are right, there is jsut but a small minority of the adoption community represented here in the forums. And I truly beleive in my heart that the majority of adoptees do not struggle with their identity...

Yvonne

[LisaCA]

hi,

when I went to chicago to meet dd's bfamily and dd, I checked into our hotel alone (dh arrived 3 days later). when I showed up the next day at the hotel with a baby, a few folks were surprised, so I explained the situation. Later I went out looking for gifts for bmom and bfamily with dd in tow, and I visited a number of jewelry shops looking for the perfect locket and silver box. I shared with a number of sales people what I was looking for and why. In those few days I met so many adoptees, sales clerks, hotel workers, hotel guests, and every one of them said just how happy they were with their aparents-they volunteered this info, I didn't ask. A few had searched for bparents, others had not, but all expressed true love for their aparents. It was very moving.

There are particular issues that adoptees, aparents and bparents have to face, issues that are different from non-adoptees, non-aparents and non-bparents. There are also issues that are the same, however. I think this is a safe place for adoptees and others in the triad to express both happiness and sadness. Please don't let the unhappiness of some change your adoption plans. It can, however, help to shape the way we express ourselves to our children. I have learned soooo much from adoptees on these boards (as well as from aparents and bparents). your list is just the beginning of what we can learn.

that said, being an adoptee is an essential part of who they are, and there is nothing we as aparents can do to change that. We can make sure, however, that our children are loved and respected as individuals, embracing who they are and who they will become. There are many ways my daughter will be able to identify herself: adoptee will be just one of them.

[atx_guy_04]

I was adopted, here is what I think you should do. If you feel that you really want to adopt your second child, I believe you should. With all these stories of adopted people like myself who feel empty, you should not fear that your future child will feel that way. The fact is, if you attempt to adopt a child, that child will be adopted either way, regardless of what you choose. The best thing you can do is put that child into a situation to grow up and not have that empty feeling inside.

As I said, I was adopted. I don't have that empty feeling inside really, as I'm not even sure if I want to meet my birthparents. Part of me wants to meet them more for them, than for me, because they know more about me than I know about them. I have a family, that I love, and I know they love me. Would my life have been different if I wasn't adopted, absolutly. Would have been better, that is something I will never know, and so there is no need to worry about it, and hopefully you will get a kid that feels the same way, and will feel just as lucky to have you, as you do to have them.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by michele31mom

I guess I am just looking to hear from people who don't considered themselves adopted but rather just children of 2 people who love them.

Michele,

From an adoptee whos not always happy about being adopted, I just wanted to express some feelings I have concerning that issue.

In my opinion, adoption has 2 parts........
One- warm and fluffy - getting great parents that are ready, able, and willing to love, protect, and nurture you into adulthood, as one of their own.

Two- loosing your first family, (and as in my closed adoption) my ethic identity, medical background, my original name, and even a legal document *erasing* any familial relationship to my own kin.

In my family, we didn't discuss adoption, (except when my parents 'real son' reminded me of how I wasn't 'real' - rrrrrrrgh)

And tho I've always known that I was adopted from a very early age- never, to this day- have my parents ever spoke of another Mother. I wish they would have allowed me to express my feelings at times. Did they think I'd just forget her, and everything I lost thru closed adoption, and move on?
(I sure tried for many years......)

I believe they gave me the unspoken message that it was a good thing that she wasn't there for me. Why did they want me to be so happy about not being with her? Was she a bad person??

A quote from one of my favorite articles concerning having only feelings of happiness about being adopted:

"What would happen if your mother died today,and you were told you couldn't cry, you couldn't go to the funeral and to make believe she never existed?"

I struggled for many years trying very hard to be happy that my Mom wasn't there for me.

Please allow your children to have any and all feelings of being adopted. I wish my parents had.

[MidnightCat]

Originally Posted by mn125

"What would happen if your mother died today,and you were told you couldn't cry, you couldn't go to the funeral and to make believe she never existed?"

I struggled for many years trying very hard to be happy that my Mom wasn't there for me.

Please allow your children to have any and all feelings of being adopted. I wish my parents had.

Thank you mn125, for what you wrote, this pretty much sums it up for me too. There will be good times as well as not so good times. Not all parents are good or bad, regardless of if they are bio-parents or a-parents.

My advise to adoptive parents would be: When and if your children do go in search for their roots, don't lay the guilt-trip on them. They haven't changed how they feel about you.

Don't give them the speech about how much you have done for them and how grateful they should be that you've been there for them all these years. We already know that.

We are not searching for someone to replace you, we just need to know for ourselves the "why". Allot of us need closure and no matter how much you love us, that's not something you can give us.

[Kelli]

Michele, take a peek at this thread. It was written by an adoptee who was responding to concerns from parents similiar to what you've expressed.

Peace and blessings,

Kelli


Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee

[stacyone]

Michelle: I'm so glad you got a link to that thread.

I think one of the most important things to remember is that things are so different now, with the advance of open adoption. There are books available that talk about adoptee grief, unresolved issues, and how to be a responsible adoptive parent in that regard.

For me, it was helpful to start off by acknowleding these facts:

1. Adoption is based on loss, for everyone involved. No matter what. It is a bittersweet event.

2. Pretending that there aren't problems won't make them go away. It will only decrease trust on the part of my child. How can I truly be her mother if I pretend that I'm the ONLY mother?

3. Although I'm not an adoptee, I am an incest/child sexual abuse survivor. I know what it's like to have the elephant in the room that nobody talks about, to live in denial, to pretend, to keep secrets. I refuse to raise my child the same way.

Keep reading! That's the important thing. The fact that you can go into adoption with your eyes open will go a long way to raising a healthy child. Read here, read Lois Melina's books, read read read.

Good luck to you.

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee who always wanted to search for my birth parents but this in no way took anything away from my adoptive parents. I loved my aparents with all of my heart. They are both gone now and I would give anything to be able to hug them again.
In searching for my birth parents there was never any thought given to finding my "real" parents. I already had them. But there was a longing to look like someone, to know "where" I came from, to find someone with similar traits, to know what health issues were lurking in my background. And yes finding my birth family has been one of the most awesome experiences of my life. There is an infinite capacity in our hearts to love. So there is room for everyone!

It sounds as though you plan to be very open with your children. I think that is one of the only things I would want to change about my relationship with my aparents. (And I also realize that never discussing adoption was also more common than not in the time I grew up in.)

My aparents couldn't understand why I was not more like them. I am very quiet they were very outgoing for example. But now knowing that our personalities are formed in the womb has made me realize that there was nothing "wrong" with me. It is just the way I was meant to be - no right or wrong about it. It is wonderful that there is so much more openness in adoption now and so much more info. available.

Just the fact that you posted here is a sign that you really want to do the best parenting job as you can! That is awesome
Snuffie

[michele31mom]

Thank you so much for all of these posts and links. This is truly helping me.

[kaosweaver]

Thank everyone for their posting in this thread. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. We're looking into adoption and everywhere I looked I saw the negative information. Even in spite of the negative information, we registered with our state to enroll in the course pre-homestudy. I was digging in and preparing to invite hell into my home by adoption (according to the negative press) - yet still try and be a parent to our daughter and show her love, kindness, forgiveness, patience and whatever other assistance I could. I went from a 'dream' of adoption to accepting that it would be more like normandy on d-day. What didn't waiver was my determination to adopt. Given we're looking to adopt much older (10-14yr old), we get even worse press.

This was a needed and important thread, thanks for restoring my hope that I'm not the bad guy for wanting to adopt and help a girl who is in foster care.

[joskimo]

I was in the same situation, I was really shaken up when I first started coming here about how many people felt pain about their adoption. so I did what I do when I'm confused, read, read, read. From personal experience of my own and people I love, I know that not all adoptees feel the same about their adoption, just the same as you cannot generalize any group of people really. We now have our 2nd daughter and couldn't be happier. My hopes are that she knows how loved she is and how much her bmom wanted her to have us as parents, that she grows with a strong racial identity. All we can do is try our best. I hope you aren't too dissuaded, I think adoption can be a very powerful and positive experience.

[tlc4kidz]

Michele,
I hope you do make it through the thread that was given (and thanks for doing that Kelli!!). It was helpful for me. We have 2 bio and 2 achildren. Remember, too, that often people distinguish between bio and adoptive on the boards because we don't all know each other, and it is a place to go for support/discussion related to adoption.

[anifish]

Hi It sounds like you will be a great mother to YOUR children. I am an adoptee that is very lucky also to have been placed in a loving secure home. I have always told people that I was not my parents gift but they were mine. And I mean that with all my heart. I am 36 and have a family of my own. I have lost my father to cancer about 4 years ago. He had been sick with numerous health issues so we thought it was any of those that were making him tired and weak. When he died I took care of all the arrangements, and my mom who was in shock because we found out on a tuesday that he had a huge tumor in his kidney and the following tuesday he passed away. Before he died I always told people that when he died I would die to. that I would be found hiding in my closet not knowing how to go on. He was my best freind. He loved me more then anything in his life. He was a open ear to any of my problems. When knowone else would listen with a open mind. He gave me advice in a gentle way that I would not get defensive to. I am convinced that god put us together because he had a huge lesson to teach me. One that I didn't get untell he died. When he died all of our family and all of our freinds thought I had been in some state of shock. My mom was yes but not me. I stayed by his bedside and took care of him untell he left us. And then took care of everything after. This is what I told everyone I talked to. "I can't cry right know and don't know when I will. I am to busy celebrating his life and thanking god for giving him to me." What made me so special that god would give him to me. You know people like him. The kind of person who is really interested in who you are. Kind beyond words. There were so many people at his funeral. He touched poeple when he met them. They always remembered him. He was always fair and loving. So I would also say " I could have had a horrible father for 32 years and instead because of the gift of adoption I had the best father that a girl could be given. What is there to cry about when you are given something like that."I was just so gratefull and didn't want to seem selfish or ungratefull by being angry that god took him back. He was one of gods special angels and he wanted him home. Could I blame him. Your children have been given the gift of you. And even though i am really curious about my birthparents and when I was little I guess I did feel a little abandoned by them, I grew up, and didn't feel like that anymore. I knew that it was selfless act and it was what was meant to be for me. If babys didn't have people willing to take on all the issues of adoption kids like me wouldn't get the option of a loving family and we wouldn't be able to tell good stories like this one God bless and enjoy your children they will be ok. In loving thanks Andi