[FallenChild]

Many adopted adults I have spoken to speak of a VOID. Not being adopted I can't even imagine what that might mean, but it seems important. Can anyone share any ideas?

[snuffie]

Hi
I will try to explain what VOID means to me as an adoptee.
I realize it is very difficult for someone who is not adopted to understand because all of things that others take for granted are the very things we search for. Being adopted is like a big game of make believe with a hole in the our soul as big as the grand canyon.
Imagine knowing that your birth certificate was made up.
When you look in the mirror you are almost a stranger to yourself as you don't know who you look like. My personality was very different than my adoptive parents and I always felt like there was something wrong with me because I wasn't like them. Don't get me wrong. I had wonderful adoptive parents whom I loved very much. But even that couldn't fill the void.
I didn't know what nationality I am or any health history.
It's almost like we are 2 people in one with one hidden but wanting so badly to be recognized.
I have been reunited with my birth family for several years now. That void is almost filled now and there is nothing like it.
I still don't know for sure who my bdad is so that part is still missing but so many of my questions have been answered.
I hope this has helped.
Snuffie

[shirleyville]

I'll take a stab at this....
I think that "void" is something different to each of us. Some don't feel a void at all.....some do -- and what that "void" means, is unique to each situation.
For me, that "void" is something akin to feeling as tho I am part of the Witness Protection Program without ever giving consent, or even knowing what I witnessed in the first place -- if that makes any sense.
Imagine looking in the mirror and really studying yourself. Right in front of you is a person who was born [b]someone else[/B]. Somewhere, in the depths of the bureaucratic "system", there is a file, filled with all your information. It tells you who you once were....who your parents were.....where you came from.....and the circumstances surrounding the change in your identity......but you can't see it. You can't know what is inside that file. As an adoptee, you are mandated to live out your life as someone other than who you were, the moment you emerged into the world. It's the most odd feeling in the world to imagine that you lived inside someone for nine months and you don't even know who that was.....you have no idea how you even "got here". The only thing you know is that you were placed in the hands of another family -- the government erases your entire existance. They fill out new paperwork....paperwork that shows you were born to someone else.....you get a whole new identity......and the original stuff just disappears. The person born at 5:18 PM on October the 4th just goes away, with the stroke of a keyboard. Even the clerk who types up the paperwork knows who you once were.....but you can't know, yourself. You are just supposed to accept your new life and live it, as if none of it matters.
I am a woman of faith and I believe that we are all born for a purpose....and I believe I was born to be where I am today -- who I am today.......but, there is always that knowledge, in the back of your mind, that there was a life before -- and the knowledge of that life is withheld from you by strangers.
That's what that "void" means to me.
Out there, somewhere, is a man and a woman, who created me.....by law, I am not allowed to know their names. I'm not allowed to know who my grandparents are....who my siblings are.......I'm not allowed to know how I came to be.....or how I ended up being admitted into this "Witness Protection Program" in the first place. I'm not allowed, by law, to even know what information to put on my own health forms. I can't warn my own doctors about what they should be checking me for, because the person who might have these potential health issues was erased 40 years ago. When they created the new "slate", it was a blank one.....and those blanks haunt us.
It's amazingly convaluded when you think about it......we aren't even allowed to know what might kill us. Even the people in the real "Witness Protection Program" know what they are on the look out for. They know what "smoking gun" lies around the corner. We don't.
Anyway.....that's my stab at explaining the void.
Hope that helps.
Hugs,
Sally

[Linnie65]

Just another quick point of view. I am adopted and never felt any void. Never planned to search, never had any empty feeling. I didn't ever care what nationality I was. None of that mattered to me. I had a wonderful family (not saying that adoptees who feel the void don't have wonderful families).
Was mildly curious about medical history. That's it.

I accidently found my bmom and met her. I did not feel more complete after it. In fact, it was very disturbing to me.

[mtlover]

wow...great thread I did have a void as an adoptee and as a BMom and I am grateful to have them both filled. Maybe by my describing how it was filled, you can get a feel for "void".

Before I met my birthparents I was a piece of incomplete art. There were parts that were filled in, but you couldn't tell what the picture was at all. You saw some bright colors on the edges and some dark colors but you couldn't get a full, authentic feel for the painting. You kinda squinted when you looked at it sitting with it for a long time to try to pull something from it, to see it. You would think you felt warmth, maybe something...not quite pinpointing it.

I met my birthparents and after when you looked at the painting (Me) you were moved, touched and inspired beyond imagine. It was the most beautiful, full expression of yourself, life, your beliefs. Completely authentic. You want to hang it in the best place in your home and have friends and family over to see it, experience it and feel it. You want to share it with the world and can't believe that you never saw it before. When you are in the presence of it, you are full and clear and brilliantly abundant.

It is like nothing...and then something. Simple but extremely profound.

Kim

[dl]

Linnie65 ~ Just another quick point of view. I am adopted and never felt any void. Never planned to search, never had any empty feeling. I didn't ever care what nationality I was. None of that mattered to me. I had a wonderful family (not saying that adoptees who feel the void don't have wonderful families).
Was mildly curious about medical history. That's it.

Exactly how I have felt. "Mildly curious" describes it well.

I too have not felt "more complete" since meeting my biofamily. Other than I feel that I "should" call biofather every so often, it's honestly really not made a difference in my life. Except, to confirm what I've always felt ~ that I was blessed to have the parents that I did!

[dpen6]

Sally,

I gotta agree with what you have said. Its not a void really in terms of ~who I am~ personaaly. My meeting my bmother and searching for my bfather does not mean I am search necesserily for ~self~ . That will not change no matter how much I learn about either side of the birthfamilies. I am who I am as a result of my genitics, my upbringing(which was "normal") and a result of what I have done with myself. DL...as you often say...I am 47, I have some idea of who I am!! ALthough, as I get older I realize that the capaicity for change does exist no matter how old one is.

The void that I experiance, is the lack of knowlege of my genetics. I often say I want to complete the picture ~of who I am~ meaning thw whole thing...my adopted self and my genetic self.

I don't know if I am explaining it right...but it is important to me that I do know.

Donna

[kapickle]

This thread strikes a chord with me. I am adopted, as is my brother (not biologically related to me) and also my two stepchildren are adopted, one of them from Korea. Here's what I know about the "void" from each of our different perspectives.

I have always felt that I didn't truly belong anywhere. I don't feel truly connected to my adopted parents or extended family, although I do feel a deep sense of responsibility toward them and a sentimentality because they are the only family I've ever known. I am grateful for what they've given me, but also angry about what I've missed out on. I've had a great deal of difficulty in relationships of all kinds. I find it difficult to trust people. When my husband has to travel for work or even has a business dinner in town, I'm petrified that something will happen and I'll never see him again. I'm confused about what career I should be pursuing, unsure of my talents. I have low self-esteem. I have a fear that I'll suddenly be stricken with some horrible life-threatening disease because I don't know my family medical history (imagine what it's like to write "N/A" on every form asking for family medical information). Now that I have a child of my own, I feel that the black hole in which I've lived my entire life will envelope him as well unless I do something about it. So, I've begun my search for my birth family.

On the other hand, my brother never intended to search and never wanted to be found, but his birth mother contacted him several years ago. He has met her and his birth father, as well as his full and half siblings. He has always felt very comfortable in our family, although he had a great deal of trouble in school and is now an alcoholic. His self-esteem is lower than mine and this is manifested in different ways. Meeting his birth family actually made him feel worse about himself because they have so many problems of their own that he now feels he inherited.

My stepdaughter also has no desire to search for her birth family. She is completely satisfied with her adopted family and immerses herself in their culture, despite the fact that it is not entirely hers.

My stepson from Korea, on the other hand, is another story. He is struggling to find his own identity. He is a lost soul. He has no hope of ever locating his birth family and has only a very tenuous link to his adopted family. Growing up he never associated with anyone who looked like him. His adopted family tried too hard to treat him like one of them and it backfired. His father and I are now trying to help him find a way to live a more authentic life.

I don't know how much all this helps to answer the original question. I think that probably all adoptees have issues at some level, but maybe the issue of the "void" is somewhat dependent on how comfortable a person feels with his adopted family, how much they all have in common and whether it feels like a good fit. Unfortunately, for me the fit has not been very good and I've been wanting to find my birth family probably since I was about eleven. But I can understand that if a person feels happy with their adopted family, they would not want to open a whole can of worms by searching and might be upset by being found.

There are no easy answers.

Karen

[Lis6191]

FC, I'm really glad you started this thread -- and that I found it I have been doing much, much thinking on this topic and I'd like to try from 2 different angles.

I do subscribe to the theory that as babies we suffered a trauma, a separation, and that somewhere locked in our subconscious is this knowledge (like our "black box" similar to what is on an airplane). Now, I spoke with my bmom about this and she gave me additional insight. Do you think it is possible that based on the circumstances at the time of the separation it could've causes that trauma to be worse than others? In my case, my bmom was made to be sooo ashamed, most of her family didn't know about me, her father died never knowing. She had such strong emotions at the time of my birth and out of fear, never held me -- never even looked at me. So the mother that I was physiologically attached to never held/comforted me. . . . Maybe, just maybe, this contributed to my sense of "loss" or my "void."

Now, as a more rational person, since I can't ever "prove" the black box theory, I would try to justify my feelings this way. I, too, come from a WONDERFUL "normal" family, as dpen6. I was always told I was adopted, my parents read us a couple books "Where did I come from?" and "Why was I adopted?"

Now, that being said, THAT was the extent of our discussions. My bparents were NEVER talked about. At some age I came to the realization on my own that to be adopted one must first be given up. OUCH! I got more and more curious asking a lot of questions. My parents were not prepared for those questions nor did they know how to deal with it. . . they never sat down with me to discuss it . . . I would get short answers "We just know that they were too young." and "We just don't know anything, hon, but WE love you." and "It doesn't matter, because we love you." I think I was flat out told they were my only parents. THEY DENIED ME THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT AND LEARN ABOUT MY FIRST PARENTS. Hence, the creation of a "void." I had no information for my many questions. . . .

So, if I didn't have the "void" upon separation, a "void" sure was created by lack of knowledge.

On my Confesssions thread one of the moms posted that if only my feelings were validated, like saying "We don't know anything about your bmom, but I'd bet you're as beautiful as she is" would've probably went a long way in satisfying some of my questions / feelings. . . . It is hard to say . . . would the void have still existed? Hmmm . . . one will never know. I just know that I had wanted to find her my whole life and always knew I would someday. . . .

[Sammie86Sosa]

For me the void is not knowing where and who i came from. Not knowing stories of my childhood. It almost was like i went poof and appeared one day without ever being an infant. Knowing that the birth citifcate changed me from being a little girl with a loving brother and sister to an only child far away from the life that i knew to love. the void is hitting milestones and wondering what would my bfamily think of me now. trying to do things such as dancing and singing other things. the void is crying every night for it to be filled and not caring about my body and going from man to man just to try and fill the void. that is the void for me.
oh and the constat fear that i would be left agian.

[bored]

I think the void is the PAIN. Some know where the pain is rooted while others have no clue, but what is shared is the pain or void.

[Sammie86Sosa]

your right. I know where and why i feel the void... but not all the time it is pain... some of it is but not all of it

[mxdad418]

The void will always be with me even though i now have my OBC and have been in contact with b-sibs. The only thing i know more than i did before are names and DOB's and thats all i will ever have. I was told by my (4) sibs. that they and their mother want no contact. So after 43 yrs. of living with that void i have the rest of my life to live with another void.....why no contact?

[wandrinspirit63]

To me the void is the feeling that a part of me is missing but not knowing exactly what it is that's missing.

It's not knowing who I am, where I come from or where I should be going when, at this point in my life, I should know these things but for some reason I don't.

It's a lifetime of searching for something to fill the empty space inside of me and not being able to find it. Whether it's something to do with relationships, career, adapting and changing myself in some way there is never anything that makes me feel complete.

It's the anger, frustration and exhaustion due to a quest that never seems to end. A question with no answer, an empty place in my soul, all of this and at the same time so very hard to explain and understand.

There it is the best that I can explain my view as I never before tried to put it into words. Hope it makes some kind of sense.

[Linnie65]

Very OT - sorry, but MXDad - is MX for motocross by any chance?