[nugget]

I have a question that might be best answered from adoptive parents but would like to hear any response.
I grew up with two older brothers who are my adoptive parents biological sons. I was always tod I was "special" as they wanted a girls but could not concieve one on their own.
Alos as in many multiple children famalies we were told we were all loved as much as the other.
Here is my question:If a mother can love more then one child then why can't a child love more then one mother?
I am asking this as an adult adoptee who was adopted at birth. My aparents were never supportive in my birth family search until I found my answers. And as I found my birth mother was deceased it made things much easier to handle for my aparents.
Just thought I'd through it out there. Maybe it can help open the minds of afamilys who are not open to searching. Or maybe it will tick people off. But at least it might make people think of what the adoptee goes through a little bit.
Wendy

[shylagirl]

Nugget,
As a amom I don't understand how a parent could not support their child wanting to know the person who gave them such a gift. My dd is still very young but she has contact w/ her bmom. Yet on the other hand I do have info on her bdad and hope that by the time she wants to know him he will be a different person than he was when we met him I pray for the both of them everyday and I pray that God helps me be the supportive mom i want to be. I think in a lot of parents veiws they are just affriad to lose the one they LOVE so much.
Crystal

[Dmommab]

You are absolutely right & that is a WONDERFUL question. We have just begun the adoption process on 2 of our foster children (ages 5 & 2) and we are going to have an open adoption with their parents. As a matter of fact we are going to visit mom this evening. She lives about an hour away from us & doesn't have transportation so I take the kids to her! I have absolutely no problem with them calling her mom & me mom - sometimes it gets confusing when we're all together & the 5 year old says "mom" and one of us says "what?" and he says "not you", so then the other one answers him. It's really not a big deal though unless the adults make it a big deal!!

[spitzlvr]

DaMommaB,

I would love to see the questioning looks you guys get while out to dinner!!! hee hee hee!! Not YOU Mom, MOM!!!

(still chuckling)....

[nugget]

Thanks for your responses so far. It is nice to hear that there are open people out there. Open to allowing your child or children love more then one parent/mom.
My aparents are out of the country until April so I have had distance as protection from this subject.
Again, thanks for being so open to your children. It will only make them more loving.
Wendy

[banjo]

hi there, Of course you can love two mothers. so many children these days love step parents. The fact of the matter is adoptees have two families, the birth family and the afamily. If everyone accepted that fact and said it was OK for adoptees to be part of both then things would be mucch easier for the "innocent" party in the adoption triad. lol banjo

[crick]

Just want to say first off I'm in a closed adoption, but do realize and support my kids' love for their firstmom. That's now though after a couple of years of soul searching and acceptance.

In the beginning it was hard for me simply because I couldn't understand why my 2 oldest ones could profess love for their firstmom when she didn't take care of them and then turn around and tell me "well, you take care of us and we like you but we still love L more." Ouch! And even now I get similar things said from my daughter and yes, it still hurts sometimes because I want to be THE mom, not the 2nd mom or just a mom who takes care of her children or plays with them, a temporary mom etc. Don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's just the way it feels sometimes. Especially after I've spent a whole day cleaning up messes from a sick child, doing their laundry, feeding them, tending to their boo boo's, and tucking them in at night for the 8th time because they are simply more interested in playing than sleeping. "I do all that and still just get a 2nd place ribbon?" There's no logic to it at all, it's just an automatic emotion sometimes. It's not a competition but feels like one sometimes is all. Again, no logic, just emotions...

However, I've learned to separate that out and realize that their love for firstmom has absolutely nothing to do with me. Just as their love for me has nothing to do with her. 2 completely different relationships and the love goes all around. They love her, their dad, their other brothers, their uncles, aunts, godparents, friends and even the dogs and stray cat that keeps coming round'. And they love each one of those persons in a different way and for different reasons, just like we all do I think.

So eventhough sometimes there's that little dagger stabbing me in the back, I try to remember all of this and remind myself that above all, my love for my children also includes acceptance and sharing them with others. I will support them in any way that I can if they should decide to search one day. Might still get some of those feelings but those are MY feelings and would need to deal with that on my own. Would not want any of my insecurities to get in the way of what is rightfully theirs.

So yes, in answer to your question...a child can love 2 moms and do.

Crick

[nugget]

Thanks for your honesty. At least by having support groups like this you will be better able to prepare for different outcomes and feelings.
Thanks again for saying how you really do and have felt.
Wendy

[BethanyB]

Hi Nugget! I thought I would take a stab at answering your question...

When I first started thinking about adoption, I didn't know very much about what an open adoption or closed adoption really meant. When I learned that many people were doing open adoptions I didn't think it was for me. Probably because I didn't know too much about and I had not researched the pros and cons of it. My fears were that my child would love their bmom more than they love me. (I know people are going to think that's crazy, but it's true.) I thought that maybe my child would grow up to think that they should be with the mom that gave birth to them if they knew them and interacted with them. Maybe they would think their bmom was cooler than me or more fun, I don't know!

But that was then and this is now. I researched open adoption. I met and talked to people about it, and I realized that an adopted child is going to want to know about their bio family. They may have pain not knowing where they came from and an open adoption is in the best interest of the child. And even though they may love their bio mom a lot (in an open adoption) they are still going to see their adoptive parents as the everyday mommy and daddy. They will want to be with the people who are with them day in and day out. And that they can love bio parents just as they love Nanna and Pop and so on.

I actually decided to do fost/adopt through the state of NJ. If I get to adopt my son the state will order that no more contact be made through the bio mom and child. But I have decided that if I do get to adopt him and his bmom would like a SEMI open adoption (due to safety issues) that I would like to do that. My SW said that she would ask the bmom and give her a PO box if that is what I wanted. I know that if this adoption goes through, my son will have questions that I want to be able to answer. And when he wants to meet her I will happy to help in any way that I can.

So I think that for pAmoms, open adoption can be a scary thing at FIRST. I think there are still stigmas in this society that may cause us to doubt that we are REAL parents. It seems silly now that I have my beautiful little boy. I could not love him anymore, and I'm willing to do anything it takes to help him to become a confident, proud young man. I am his mommy!

Hopes this sheds some light on what some pAmoms feel!

I'm sorry that you did not have a chance to know your bparents. But by speaking about your feelings you can help pAparents to know more about the positive side of open adoption and the pain of not knowing your bparents!

[nugget]

Thanks. I do realize that a lot has changed since my private adoption 32 years ago. However even with open adoptions I think the feelings remain the same.
I started this thread in hopes to have some light shed on the way my own amom feels. Feelings are not something we discuss, at all. And while I know how to deal with that by this point I would still like to get more responses to shed more light on the issues.
My aparents are wonderful people. As I said, things were very different 32 years ago.
Thanks again for all who replied thus far
Wendy

[snuffie]

Hi Nugget,
I too believe it is possible to love two mothers. Because of the circumstance involved (one mom is there day by day listening, guiding and doing all of the thankless "jobs" moms do and the other is there as a "shadow" for those of us in closed adoptions) I love my adopted mom with all of my heart. I feel such emptiness everyday since she passed away. I still find myself picking the phone up to call her even though she has been gone 4 years. And i would give anything to be able to hug her again.
My bmom passed away before I found her. I had always felt an almost spiritual "connection" with her and one of my greatest regrets is that I will never be able to give her even one hug. I am learning much about her from my bsiblings and my "feelings" about her had been right.
I believe there is enough love in each of us to go around. I guess it may not be understood by all. (I know my aparents struggled with the idea that I was searching for my bfamily.) But the odd but wonderful part of it is, had they been around when my search ended they would have loved my bfamily too.

Crick when I read your post my first thought about your oldest children saying "we like you but love L" is that kids really can say things that hurt us at times and not mean them at all. Depending on their ages L could be the "fun" Mom as she doesn't have to be doing the daily unfun mom things like disciplining guiding etc.
I can just see my two saying something like that when they were little even though they aren't adopted! They used to say that about their grandparents because of all of the fun things they got to do!

[nugget]

When I found part of my bfamily I found that my bmom had passed when I was 1. Dredful feelings of never getting to give her one hug or tell her I'm ok. Anyway, my amom's response to the news was that this would make things a lot easier for everyone. Hmmmm. In a sense I do see where that statement came from, what I really needed was a hug!
That is why I put the question out there. There are still so many adoptees searching who were in a closed adoption. My aparents never thought I would find anyone even though they knew I was looking for so long. So they were not preparred for my finds either.
My bro's have done well with it. They realize that I am not leaving them for birth family, just adding more people to my family. And when they are ready they know they can meet my sister.
Thanks again to everyone,do wish though someone like my amom would see this and have it open their eyes. I am not trying to hurt either of my families, just add to them.
Wendy

[crick]

I'm sorry your parents are not more supportive! I think there's a position you have to take as a parent, where you just support and keep your own feelings out of it. (regardless of the situation really) But honestly, if my child came to me and said "bmom died when I was a child", I'd like to think I'd have nothing but hugs and just listen. Don't quite understand why your parents would feel threatened in any way over the news that your bmom has passed away. That's confusing to me so I'm sure it's even more confusing and sad for you.


I hope you can discuss this with your parents when they return. And you shouldn't have to reassure them that you aren't leaving them for bfamily etc. They need to deal with any feelings they might have without making it harder for you. Just my opinion anyway.

Crick

[milce]

Wow, this came at the perfect time for me. Of course, you can love two mothers. Think of it this way. If you were a child who lost a parent to death, and your other parent re-married, would you in that circumstance be expected to not love the new person. Of course they will never "take the place" of anyone, and you will love them differently, but it doesn't mean that you love your original parent any less. I know that if, heaven forbid, anything should happen to me, I would want my children to have a loving, fulfilling relationship. It would break my heart if they were to spend the rest of their lives pining over me because they were afraid to let someone else in.
I have been really struggling with my amom lately about my bparents that I were reunited with a year ago. I love my bmom, but it doesn't mean that I have immediately stopped loving my amom (even though she sometimes makes it really hard to like her). One thing that I have noticed, in my situation, is that my amom is just jealous to have to share me with anyone, even my MIL. There are some people who have a hard time with anyone trying to spend time with you. I like how my MIL put it. "There comes a time when you are no longer the center of your children's universe, and you have two choices. You can fight it, making everyone unhappy, or you can realize that this can expand your horizons as well and enrich YOUR life."
I would love for my family to be able to accept the fact that there are other people in my life now, and it doesn't mean that I am going to run off and join the circus with them, but they are going to be a part of my life. I think that we all need more people in our lives that love us, and I am not going to reject that. I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad for loving the woman who gave birth to me. There comes a time when you have done all you can do and the other party needs to meet you halfway.

Thank you so much for posting this, I have been looking for a good way to express my frustration about this situation, and I think that question states it perfectly. It makes it a lot easier to explain to other people, anyway.

Carmen

[BethanyB]

Hey Nugget, I just wanted to add that maybe your amom was feeling relieved because she knew she would not have to share you with your bmom. Maybe she was scared death that you were going to meet your bmom and forget about her. Or love your bmom more. I know it probably sounds crazy to you but that may be what she was thinking. Are you and your Mom really close? My Mom and I are really close but we don't talk about feelings either.

You asked, If a mother can love more than one child why can't a child love more than one mother? Maybe SOME people feel it's because society tells us that having more than one child is normal but that people do not usually have more than one mom. Just taking a guess. But maybe these are some of the things your mom is feeling or going through.
I hope I've addressed the issue better for you.

Maybe some closed adoption amoms will come on to share their view. Open adoption may not be right for everyone but it's right for me!