[jame1014]

What would the child given up for adoption want me to do?
My husband (adopted) has just admitted to me a long history (our whole marriage) of infidelity, this last time resulting in a pregnancy. He has tried to help the woman get a termination, but she changed her mind at the last minute. This is when and why I found out, because she ultimately confronted me with the affair and her pregnancy (twins). She now says that she is going to have the children and put them up for adoption. I am having a great deal of difficulty with this because, despite the conditions under which they were conceived, I feel responsible for this part of my family, my children's half siblings. Now my husband and I are getting divorced, but I have committed not to abandon him as he/we negotiate the painful work towards recovery, which will certainly bring up his own issues with abandonment. My question is to the adoptees out there, what would you want me to do if you were the child? I can't keep asking those who have no perspective who tell me it is not my responsibility. I cannot fathom another child suffering like my husband has in an escalating cycle of destructive behavior. Also, if anyone knows if I have any rights anyway. I will be seeing a lawyer Monday. Thanks Jame'

[BrandyHagz]

Adoption has changed a great deal in the last two decades…especially with fully open adoptions.

If you’re asking if you should step in and take the children (if the parents will allow that) then that’s something you’re going to have to ask yourself.

Would you be able to care for these children knowing that they are a product of a relationship that ruined your marriage? If you can get past view them as your husband’s mistresses children…then I think that keeping the siblings together might be worth it. If you cant, then the children will be much happier in another home.

[jame1014]

I would not even consider it for a moment if I did not believe I would view these children as my children.
So anyway, I guess I probably have no rights if she does not want me to take in the children. More loss......

[BrandyHagz]

No, you’d have no rights…this would be an adoption…unless you’re still married to your husband and he elects to raise them…then she could terminate her rights and you could do a “step parent adoption”. If you elected to go this route, your husband and you would be the legal parents.

This isn’t an option if you are considering a divorce though.

In the end, the parents are your husband and his mistress, you have no legal say, unless the mother decides to terminate her rights to allow you to adopt.

Its highly unlikely that you’d find a homestudy agency that would approve you for an adoption if you are going thru a divorce.