[decor4u2004]

My son is almost 2, and I have sat with him at different times trying to come up with a way to convey he's adopted. I watch TLC alot, with the "Birth Day" show and "Adoption Stories" just about every day since it's on early, and I know he's absorbing this information, but how much do you say at this age?
I also wonder from adoptees, how you felt about being adopted? I'm SO concerned about him feeling unwanted or just disappointed I'm not the one who gave birth to him. He's SO precious to me and such a loving child. I've been blessed to have the priviledge of raising him from birth and I shower him with love and attention. Now I have him in Day Care 3 days a week where he can interact with more children and learn other things I can't teach him.

When I filled out the paperwork when he enrolled, there was a medical history form and it asked how the delivery went, and if there were any complications. I said, "no" the birthmother had no problems. Ok, that one statement got around to the teachers, and as I was leaving one day, the receptionist said how darling my son was, and that it explained why I was an older mother (him being adopted). The nerve of people, how am I going to address all these issues between his friends asking questions, and other teachers, parents, etc. There is just flat out not enough education and awareness in the schools about adoption. If there were, maybe, just maybe it wouldn't be such a prominent subject.

On a different note. I'm very spiritual, yet I wonder if I will see my beautiful son in Heaven someday when we both pass. I often wonder if he will be drawn to his bmother, or ? I just love this little one more than I ever imagined possible, that I hope we will be together again someday. I'm asking because I'm not a 30 year old, I'm 48, so mortality is really starting to become more of an issue, even though I'm very healthy and so is my DH.

Sorry for asking so much, I haven't been here in a year, and I'm beginning to feel the need to start talking about adoption to my son. He's seen pictures of her, and I keep them in his baby book, so I will show him periodically, but I never want to ever hurt him emotionally. He's SO happy. But there's no way I will keep such a secret from him, it's not right or fair.

Thanks for listening

[Cheryl62]

Dear Pam:

I am an adoptee. I don't remember being told I was adopted, since my parents started these talks when I was very, very young. I do think you're very wise to start thinking about when and how, because finding out later in life (and worse, from someone other than YOU) is very traumatic for adoptees. As to when and how, I can't help much, but I'm sure others on this site can.

I don't know if you're in an open or closed adoption, but I can reassure you that you will always be your son's Mom. I can't tell you that adoptees don't often feel many conflicting emotions about their birthfamilies -- from just curiousity, to sometimes a sense of loss or abandonment. But I can tell you that if your relationship with him is solid and strong, and you're the wonderful mother that you sound like even to me!, that your son will be fine. I think many of these issues are magnified by difficulties us adoptees sometimes face - either with our adoptive families, with other traumas, or just with different emotional temperments. No one has the same experiences. You just have to do your best to love your son, be open and honest with him, and create a supportive and secure environment in which he can grow. He will be just fine. Honest.

On the school - I really don't know what to say. I have 6 kids. Kids are rotten sometimes -- about ANYTHING that makes another kid different. I was never teased about it, but then, when I was young, not too many other kids knew, and when I was a teen, and many of my friends did, it was just not a big thing (whether you wore braces, or were popular, athletic, etc., WAS though - LOL!). We can't protect our kids from this stuff. We can only teach them to love themselves, to care about others, and to become sensitive and empathic young people, and to have a strong sense of self-worth.

On the religious question -- I firmly believe that Heaven is a place of love and peace. Those we love, and who love us, will be with us. Your son will be with you -- YOU are his mom. As to his birthmom -- the best thing about love is that it is not finite -- having more people to love does not mean you give each of them less -- it means you have more love to give, and love each of them more. That's how it works with our kids, right?? Why should it be any different with the adults in your son's life?

You're a great mom and your son is a lucky boy to have you to love him. You're right to try to find the best way to tell him about his adoption. But don't worry so much about the future (from his future potential conflicts, to your place in his Heaven) -- concentrate on loving each other and then trust in God.