[makimom]

I am in a dilemma right now that seems odd to me. I have recently learned that my 3 year old adaughters brothers are going to be up for adoption. I have requested to be the adoptive resource for them (they are in foster care) and the county has denied my request with no reason. My husband and I are wonderful parents, he has a great job, I stay at home, and to be honest there is no reason why this should be a problem.
She lived with her one brother for almost a year until 5 months ago when she was placed with us for adoption. She talks about him, and even has asked me when he will come live with us and so I can be his forever mommy. It breaks my heart. Shortly after she was brought to us the other brother was born.
I have contacted the Guardian ad Litem to make him aware we are willing to keep these children together forever, and he supports our request. he said he will need other support as well, and suggested I hire a lawyer. I am willing to do this, but I am afraid to take on the system. It is such a crazy system that you never know what to expect.
I want people to know that if I did not feel so strongly that she and her brothers deserved to have each other as they grow, I would be fine to let this go, but sometime we need to stop and think of the children, and if something like this is at all possible then why not let it happen. One worker told me that i did not need any more children and that I should share these boys with a couple that could not have children. Since when did these kids become property? To me it is about who they are and what I would want for my children if I could not raise them. To be together and have each other is as close to the way it should have been as they will ever come and who are the social workers to deny them of this oppurtunity. Does this seem so unreasonable? Laura

[Fyreflie24]

Laura,
I thought our story might be of interest to you. My son is one of six children. Due to the shear number of children, the children were split amoung 5 households, 4 of whom are family and the last a friend of the family. The girls that were placed together are doing fine. Most of the 'singleton' children are doing fine except the youngest who misses my son horribly (they are the only two boys).

I was forutnate to not have to fight the system though we did have to fight the family and even go through a custody battle for our son. I think it all comes down to what you feel is best for your family and the children involved. If you feel that you want to raise all of these children together then perhaps talk to an attorney about what the fight would entail and your chances. You are not selfish and you're right...these children are not commodies or property but human beings and their best interest MUST come first. So often in my son's (and subsequently my husband's) biological family, it was the needs of the adults that were prioritized over that of the children and that made me NUTS!!

I just feel great compassion for your situation and wanted to touch base. Hope this helps, even a little

[makimom]

Donnamari,
Thank you for your support! I am so tired of fighting for everything for children that are in foster care or terminated from the parents that I sometimes feel like I might be wrong. These children deserve to preserve whatever part of their torn family they can, and if we can be of support through our love and care by sharing our family with them all, then so be it. I love all my children, and wouldn't want anything less for any of them. If something were to happen to my husband and I we would want our children to be together if at all possible. I am sure that our daughter's birth mom would want this too. She is not an addict, never abused these children, but rathr has severe depression from her own childhood that interferes with her everyday life. I wish I could tell her what we are willing to do and offer to give her an open adoption for all three of her kids. She is of no threat to them and i think it would be beautiful. But who am I...hopefully this will all work out in the end. Thanks again ..Laura

[DianeS]

There are several aspects to the question about keeping siblings together, and whether or not the siblings have a healthy relationship is only one aspect.

The other ones include:
Is the prospective adoptive family able to meet all the childrens' needs at the same time (as in, do one or more of the children have needs so great they would be better met in separate homes)?
Are the children as apparantly healthy apart as they are together?
What are the childrens' relationships like with their primary caregivers, and how traumatic would it be to separate them from the caregivers?
Would reuniting the siblings tear some of them away from other support systems they are in need of?
Why were the siblings separated in the first place, or why were they not placed together as soon as they were all in care?

And last but not least - are you so in favor of reuniting the siblings that you'd give up your daughter to the family that will adopt her brothers? If not, consider that feeling may be the same one that the caregivers of her brothers feel. There's just as much chance that they are right as there is that you are right.

I hope it works out for all of them!

[lucyjoy]

If the children were together in foster care until you took the one child to adopt, why did you not take the brother at the same time? Was that your decision or the courts? Normally, a court order is needed before a decision to seperate children so there must have been something. Are the boys currant foster parents hoping to adopt him and the new baby? If he's been with them for a long time, that makes a lot of difference. They also would have needed a reason to only choose to take one. Investigating this may help you know which way to go.

[makimom]

Here's what happened....
My daughter was in foster care until the TPR which did not include the brother she lived with because his father who was a drug addict was trying to clean up. he has been unsuccessful. None of the children have special needs. My daughter has been titled special needs because during the months she lived with her mom in foster care ( the first 6 months of her life) she was in more than four foster homes. Once they took her out of the care of her mother in foster care, she was placed in a beautiful home that does not adopt any of the children they care for longterm or short term. Her brother when he was born was placed there too, only on a separate court order. the case manager never put them on an order together because she felt the dad may get it together. He has not. The third child was born after my daughter was TPRed. Five months later here we are. The foster mom of the new born does not want the other boy unless that is the only way she can keep the new baby. The dept. will not separate the boys eventhough they do not know each other so they are putting them together with somebody completely different. I and my family know the older boy and our daughter has a bond with him. They lived together for almost a year, and there are no relationship isues that should keep them apart. The only area that the department may not be comfortable with is the number of children in our family. we have 7 right now and this would make 8 and 9. i am a stay at home mom, and my husband has a great job, and is very involved with our children. we have one of the strongest relationships there is, and would be a beautiful place to have these boys raised. The GAL and the current foster parents agree. The dept. will not even give me a reason as to why this is not possible. I find this even more alarming. I have some ideas as to what the issue is, but it is not even related to these children. I think they are mad at my husband and I because we asked to have a foster Child that had become a physical danger to the other children and myself moved. We tried to make it work for two years, but she was getting too strong for me to handle, and she was out of control. That is another story, but according to the state adoption workers should have nothing to do with this situation. I have asked for a written reason through a formal complaint, and I am going to keep that for my daughter so that some day she can try to understand the situation. This is the only people from her whole family that are healthy enough to be a part of her life, and they are being whisked away when they do not have to be. I find this another way for children in the system to become victims. If I thought that she could handle being moved with her brothers and starting over again, I would suggest it. I have dealt with attatchment disordered children, and am concerned that this would possibly become an issue. we spent the last 18 months transitioning her and moving her here, and I am not sure another move like that would be fair or successful. She knows and understands we are her forever parents, and we have engrained in her that she will never have to leave. We have become her parents and to ask her to leave would be sad and unfair. Her adoption will be final next month. Laura

[makimom]

one more thing...
the boys are not staying in the homes they are in now. They are being moved to peopple they have yet to meet and vice a versa.

[lucyjoy]

Some states have a rule about how many children can be in your home. Our state is six unless you become a liscensed group home(private adoptions do not have the same limits, this is for state adoptions). Are they using this? I agree that the older boy should be moved with you. The baby, however, in my opinion, should be left where he is for attachment purposes. The states get away with this using the half sibling thing. My first child lived with his sister in foster care and they were split to be adopted even though I was willing to take both. It does damage, but visitation can help some. It's a tough situation. You could very well lose and damage your relationship with the state keeping you from future adoptions if you wanted to go that route. I'd hire a lawyer, though as the kids were together for a long time.
I assume you went over the CW head as far as you could?

[makimom]

Lucyjoy,
i am not sure how to go above the county worker as of yet. As for further adoptions...this would be it. We always joked about a large family as we are both from one, but never thought it would actually happen. we are thrilled. I love all my children, and want to do whatever I can to make their lives complete. I know and adore her brother she lived with, and I agree with you about the one that does not know either of them in one situation, but know he may wonder why some day that we did not put them all togethre especially since we are willing. in our state the written rule is 8 but it is also stated that exceptions can be made. Obviously we would be looking for an exception. I called every adoption agency in the area today and they all denied having this case except one. They have yet to call me back. I think I struck a bone. Any ways...I also was told by many of them that the county we live in is known for stuff like this and they thought our situation was horrible. One woman referred me to the top guy at the state in adoption and said to tell him she referred me. For what it is worth I will make the call tomorrow. Today I am exhausted and have some other kids to love. Laura

[riley6]

How old is the baby?

I believe that you could petition to adopt the boys, if tpr has already happened for both parents, as a kinship adoption. Your daughter is their brother, therefore they are related to your family.

They can always make exceptions to the number of children in your home WHEN it suits them! We had two bio, two foster and they called for a set of 4 siblings. We told them we only had two extra beds. They asked if the kids could sleep on the couch! We ended up taking the 4 and getting two toddler beds for the boys' room.

I would fight to keep them together if you want all of them.