[Jackiejdajda]

Recently rape has been a topic and/or is being discussed on the boards..

I just posted to a fifteen year old pregnant girl (who is thinking of relinquishing) that I did not think it necessary to tell that she was raped when or if she relinquishes.

Was I wrong?

An adoptee just posted that she did not want to hear what her birthmom told her.. She was given some very difficult information about her birth....

I would love to know what everyone thinks about this..

Thanks

Jackie

[shirleyville]

Boy, Jackie....I'm sure you are going to get quite a range of answers to your rather weighty question.
Personally, whether I was a product of either rape or incest, I would want to know!! I can promise you that it wouldn't effect the way I feel about myself one iota, because I know that I am here for a purpose! I know that I was created for a reason and that I am here in order to fulfill it.
You can never go wrong with honesty, and for me, it's the only way to go! I detest having things "hidden" or "kept" from me!!
That's just me, tho -- I am sure you will hear a lot of differing views!
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
Hugs,
Sally

[Jackiejdajda]

shirleyville wrote..I can promise you that it wouldn't effect the way I feel about myself one iota, because I know that I am here for a purpose!

And I know that what you are saying is true because you have dealt with being rejected in a very very good way..

I guess self love it the key.. And I think I am looking at this from the angle of an adoptee that does not have that self love.
Thinking and reacting on terms of the one who already has low self esteem..

How does one know if a person is able to deal with such hard hard information?

Jackie

[BrandyHagz]

I know that when I placed in 1996, you were asked, and required to disclose that information.

Some adoptive parents were open to those “situations”…some were not...

My son, whom I did not place, is a product of sexual assault (I don’t like the other word, sorry). I don’t know if he will ever know the “story” behind his conception.

Because of some medical problems, I’ve had to make contact with the “offender” and his family in order to get some history this past week…its been hard, but my son deserves it.

On a side note, I found out (for what its worth) that he had rehabilitated himself while incarcerated for another offense, and is now walking the straight and narrow as an assistant pastor somewhere in TN. Also, two days after I made the call to his family, I got a child support check from the state…I was floored.

Is it possible for these people to change, and if and when they do, do they deserve a relationship with their child?

Right now, that’s my struggle.

[Jackiejdajda]

BrandyHagz wrote..Is it possible for these people to change, and if and when they do, do they deserve a relationship with their child?

Oh lordy I do not know.. And the question (maybe) becomes.. "Who decides."

An act of aggression gives us a baby.
I used to think of the primitive man.. The male who was the one who 'won the day'.. got the female.. The strong gene survives..

My son, whom I did not place, is a product of sexual assault (I don’t like the other word, sorry). I don’t know if he will ever know the “story” behind his conception.

That is what I am trying to look at.. If one of my 'kept' children were a product of 'sexual assault' I do not think I would tell them..
But then that is my right. Or is it my right ?????

It changes when the baby or child is relinquished.. Others do the parenting.. hmmmm

Sooo maybe the aparent should know and make the decision..

But then I am sure the adoptee will say.. "Hey its my call".

And maybe that is the life of the relinquished person.. They are their own person..

Interesting..


Jackie

[BrandyHagz]

Jackie,

I’ll be honest…I worry that if I don’t tell him, and something (mentally) happens…like if this is a mental disorder or something, then am I guilty of not “heading this off at the pass” so to speak?

All the research I have done likens this to someone with a history of illness in their family…I’m ok with that…I guess, I really should tell him…but at the same time…when is the right time in all of this?

At what point would he not see this as a threat?

[Jackiejdajda]

BrandyHagz wrote..All the research I have done likens this to someone with a history of illness in their family…I’m ok with that…I guess, I really should tell him…but at the same time…when is the right time in all of this?

What a difficult situation you are in..

I can remember talking with a woman about anticipating trouble.. Worrying about what may happen.. She said she did not worry about what may happen she just let it happen.. She said she ended up shocked at times.. Me I would/will worry about anything..

I can remember an adoption expert saying that if a person is the result of rape and if that person is told then there should be therapy.. A therapist to help the person sort the feelings..

Maybe that is an answer.. Wait for a time when your son is ready to go for therapy and is willing to sort through emotional issues..

There are some experts here.. I hope they reply..

Jackie

[Mary RamireZ]

I placed a child I thought I had by raped. The angency told the aparent I am never to met my birthson. I found out my birthson was not by the rape the amother still does not want me to have a reunion with my birthson.
love Mary

[shirleyville]

I realize this isn't the "Christian" forum, so I hope I don't offend anyone by posting this here.....if I do, I appologize in advance!
I've been taking part in a church discussion group who is studying "The Purpose Driven Life", by Rick Warren. I was completely overwhelmed with warmth when I read the second chapter, entitled, "You Are Not An Accident"! In my opinion, I found it something that would be helpful for those here at the forum who question their "beginnings"....and I also thought it might be helpful for both A and B parents who struggle with positive ways to discuss "not so positive" issues with their children. Again -- this was just something that "stuck out" as helpful to ME...and I am certainly not trying to offend anyone....
The chapter is about how God created all of us for a purpose and a reason.....in it, Warren says, "Because God created you for a reason, He also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death. God also planned where you would be born and where you would live for His purpose. Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn't matter whether your parents were good, bad or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the "custom you" He had in mind. They had the DNA that God wanted to make you. Many children are unplanned by their parents, but they are not unplanned by God. God's purpose took into account human error and every sin. While there can be, and are, illigitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children."
Within the chapter, there was this poem....
There was no title on the poem, but the author is Russell Kelfer.

You are who you are for a reason.
You are part of an intense plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you have are the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's Plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, the trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God.

I hope that for some, this makes sense....and for those that it doesn't, just ignore it!
Hugs,
Sally

[Jackiejdajda]

Mary RamireZ wrote..The angency told the aparent I am never to met my birthson.

Thats wrong.. They can not say or do that..


Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

shirleyville wrote..I hope that for some, this makes sense

Spiritual strength is very important to me..

Jackie

[Mary RamireZ]

I can not give the name of the adoption angency as I do not want to be baned but it is in some of my past posts what I found out when I searched is that the adoptionworker gave the letterI I wrote to my birthsons amother to burn as the law changed and my son at 18 would be given the letter. she has scared the parents too The letter told of my rape
, My birthson is 23 and graduated from UCLA and is gay,
Love Mary

[eek40]

Sally thank you for the poem. I also have found comfort in that book, but havent gotten to that poem yet. It describes an adoptee to the tee!
Aimee

[StevieM]

While being a product of sexual assault is not something I would enjoy finding out, I think I'd rather know the truth once I reached the age that I could properly process the information. I don't think there would be any magical age to find out, but we all know best what our children can handle at certain points in their life.

I don't know if there is any sort of genetic disposition for sex offenders, but I do know that it can be "learned behavior." I would think if a child was raised in an environment without exposure to the perp or behavior patterns, the chance would be low the same behavior would manifest in him/her. But, I'm not an authority on that sort of thing---just speculating.

Just my thinking on this---Stevie

[Shoshana]

i wouldn't want to know if my mother had been sexually assaulted. and if i had been, i wouldn't tell the child. i don't think there's any way to give that information to a child (when he/she is of an age to understand) without the mother placing, or the child assuming, her pain.

as far as i understand, there is not a genetic predisposition for rape. there is a genetic component to antisocial personality disorder - but not all rapists are antisocial, and not all men with antisocial personality disorder are rapists.