[Jackiejdajda]

DogTired wrote..I can't imagine what she'd have to go through; the lies she'd have to tell, to cover that fact up.

I think this is why I started this thread.. I hope others read it when they are trying to make a decision.. A decision as to whether to tell or not..
And DogTired I think you are right..
I just wanted to protect her.. How wrong I was..

Thank you for your input..

Jackie

[shirleyville]

Jackie.....(((huge warm hugs))) Thank you SO much for posting what you just did!! I would give just about ANYTHING for my birthmom to say, "ya know, Sally -- I can't tell you who your father is, because I flat out don't KNOW ! I was with a couple of guys about the same time, and I have no recollection at all what their names are -- I wish I did , but I don't! "
That, my dear friend, would be music to my ears....it wouldn't be painful in the slightest ! I would be thrilled if she'd say that!! PAINFUL is having your birthmother refuse to even speak to you in the first place -- and then to know that your aunt, uncle, cousin and mother are all sitting on the name of your father and won't tell you -- no reasoning behind it.....just, for whatever reason, don't feel it's necessary to mention it.
I asked straight up if I was a product of rape or incest....if it was a "one night stand" and they didn't know the name -- I just wanted to know, plain and simple. But for whatever reason, no one feels it's important enough to say.
There is no "perfect story" where things of this nature are concerned -- but in my book, Jackie, you told the perfect story -- the truth, and I applaud you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you for making me smile!
GIANT HUGS,
Sally

[c-shell]

Jackie

Thank you for replying back on my questions but most importantly THANK YOU for you honesty. I'm sure that had to have been hard at the time for you to tell your son.

I wish that I felt my b-mother was being completely honest with me. I'm not angry at her "that wouldnt be me" its just that some things she has said really doesnt make sense. She had told me in the begining that if I ever wanted to know my b-fathers name she would tell me. There were a couple of times after that she had brought it up again. I hadnt been ready to know his name till just recently. Now when I asked she said, "we should just let the dead dog die". Sometimes I feel that there are alot of things that she feels is all about her. I question her honesty. Its hard sometimes. I just keep plugging through and figure I know more now than I did before. Be Happy with that.

I hope your reunion continues to blossom with your son. Congradulations!!!

[Jackiejdajda]

shirleyville wrote..I would give just about ANYTHING for my birthmom to say, "ya know, Sally -- I can't tell you who your father is, because I flat out don't KNOW ! I was with a couple of guys about the same time, and I have no recollection at all what their names are -- I wish I did , but I don't! "

I had moved to Boston all on my own.. I wanted to prove I could do it.. Survive..

The minute I knew I was pregnant I ran home to my parents who were living in Florida at the time.. My parents had been in Boston for a while when I was living there and they knew about the boyfriend. So I just pretended that other fellow away.

In the sixties only tramps did what I did..

I did not like being a tramp..

Thank you for your words.. I told my bson that I would do everything I could to help him find his bdad.. Go to Boston with him and follow the clues
Its a process.. aka Dr Phil.
My bson and I touch on this issue every once in a while..
The minute we talk about it.. the guilt starts to well up..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

c-shell wrote..Now when I asked she said, "we should just let the dead dog die". Sometimes I feel that there are alot of things that she feels is all about her. I question her honesty.

I stayed hidden till the early nineties.. I did not want to face the telling.. For a while I decided to just lie.. To never speak of this other man.. Then I decided to say he raped me..
I stayed with that one for a while.. I was playing the victim..

I realized after corresponding with other adoptees that this was not right.. It saved me but put them in the bad places..
Lordy it is difficult..

The lies start when a person tells her parents she is pregnant..
"How could you".. they say!
So a person gets out of it the best way they can.

And the lie just keeps on keeping on..

Jackie

[shirleyville]

Jackie....I really have to say how refreshing it is to hear your words! HONESTY about how things "really were" is all I think most adoptees what to hear.
I don't know about other adoptees, but personally, I am sick to death of the "sugar coated" sagas....and the "I had no choices" stories. Sure, there are warm fuzzie stories and there were those who didn't have a choice about anything -- but rarely do we get to hear the raw truth and the rationale of a "real" person. To me, you are being REAL , and that's what I need. I love being able to follow your story because I think you may be a lot like my own birthmom in a lot of ways.
You are a blessing to me in many ways, and I just wanted to say so!
Hugs,
Sally

[c-shell]

Jackie

Thanks again for your honesty!!!! I feel I have a much better understanding that the other side is just as difficult to deal with. Honestly my feeling was that she has had 30+ years to sort her issues out. I know now by you explaining how it was for you that I need to remember that not all things get sorted out right away. Thanks a bunch for the reality check!!!! I knew this.... I guess that I lost that knowledge some where along the way. I think the lack of communication isnt helping matters either. Sometimes I dont know the right words to say so I feel its better not said.

You seem to be a Very Wounderful Person!!! I encourage you to remember were not perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we cant explain or understand. It all happens for a reason. Why....I guess thats another one of those "Ultimate Questions" in life. LOL

I'm really glad there is this forum. Its proveing to be very helpful to me. There are so many out there. It helps to know I'm not alone. Thank you all for posting your opinions and sharing your stories that we may all have a better understanding!!!! Best of luck to everyone in your seaches and reunions!

[Jackiejdajda]

shirleyville wrote.. I love being able to follow your story because I think you may be a lot like my own birthmom in a lot of ways.

I took a lot of chances.. I was 21/22 when I went to Boston. I had guts then.. Mom and dad were living in Florida..

I got a job at Jorden Marsh.. I sold clothes on the second floor.. I went back there a few years ago and walked through were I worked.. Its not Jorden Marsh any more..

It just went all to hell very fast..

I was there for about a year or so..

I understand your mom.. (I think) She may have been a risk taker like me.. She may have lied to everyone.. Covered her tracks..

It was a time for us to break the rules..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

c-shell wrote..Honestly my feeling was that she has had 30+ years to sort her issues out

I dared not talk about it.. I did not think anyone wanted to listen.. I would try and talk and look for the body clues of the other person and decide that they were uncomfortable..

We all know you can't sort things when there is no outside input.
No one suggesting other ideas.. Better ways to sort something.

Birthmoms in isolation are tough..They have sorted how to deal with it and change they will not..

Thanks for saying those things.. My bson does not do email very well.. He does it great when he writes but he does not write often.. He likes to call.. I seize up in a panic attack if or when I try and call him.. But we do okay.. He understands me..

Jackie

[hprestonalexand]

Hi, you know something kindof wierd. I was a work talking with a guest the other day. There happened to be a show about adoption on Montel that day, I sat down to turn the volume up and mentioned that I liked shows like this because I was adopted. He said, so was he. We found out we were both born in and adopted out of LA Cal. He then told me about the information he had. His birth mother had been raped, I asked him how he felt about this. I know men and women view this differently. He was ok though. Personally, I think I would have wanted to know this, in ways this could help. He was ok, I think I would be ok. This is just my opinion. I feel this 15 y/o girl should just do what she is comfortable with write now. Good luck!!!

[hprestonalexand]

Hi, you know something kindof wierd. I was a work talking with a guest the other day. There happened to be a show about adoption on Montel that day, I sat down to turn the volume up and mentioned that I liked shows like this because I was adopted. He said, so was he. We found out we were both born in and adopted out of LA Cal. He then told me about the information he had. His birth mother had been raped, I asked him how he felt about this. I know men and women view this differently. He was ok though. Personally, I think I would have wanted to know this, in ways this could help. He was ok, I think I would be ok. This is just my opinion. I feel this 15 y/o girl should just do what she is comfortable with write now. Good luck!!!