[dewoody]

right after the christmas holidays i suffered an anxeity attack. it was my first and at 28yrs of age it felt like a heart attack and i was scared to death. the doctor immediatly asked me questions about what was going on in my life. i talked about work (my boss is an idiot) and etc... but when i mentioned what happened over the holidays i began to cry and shake uncontrollably.

you see for some time now i have been looking for my older sister who was adopted by a different family in CA. the search turned up some questions regarding mine and my younger sister's adoption. it came to light that our parents were only our legal guardians thats why we never took there last names. call me clueless but our parents told us when we were younger they didnt change our last names UNLESS we wanted to.

over the years growing up every child has that longing to belong, a place to call home. THESE were MY parents and that was that.
but i always felt like i didnt belong. when the 3 of us (my sisters and myself) were together, i didnt get as much attention as they did, i was even made out to be the "bad one". when we were seperated and it was just me and my younger sister, the attention was focused on my younger sister. how smart she was, how talented, etc. (i'm sure you get the picture).

as we got older my younger sister became more defiant to my parents to where she was having "physical altercations' with my parents. i was an average student and hung out in the art room majority of the time and obeyed my parents rules through the years.

now after 9 yrs in the service she is getting out. her son from her 1st marriage is now 7. my parents have been practically raising him because my sister seems to always have some form of "military problem" in her life. i too have a son and i am a single parent. i have asked on several occasions for their help, to watch him during the holidays when i cant take off of work and so i can get a break every now and then. my mother always says 'we will see" and then she turns around to insult me to make me mad so she wont have to watch him. (they live an hr 1/2 from me)

my mother made a comment to me sometime in the summer about how she was more willing to help my sister with her son since she was married at the time then with mine. i didnt say anything to her at the time because i knew she was being hurtful and i wasnt going to let her bother me again. well with the longing to find my older sister made me realize that this is my family no matter what. you just have to roll with the punches.
my dad is one the one who told me we weren't adopted, but our legal guardians.

christmas eve 2003 i asked my parents to watch my son for the new yrs holiday because i have to work and only get new yrs day off. well they agreed to, later that night my mother discloses to me that she never wanted us to be "theirs" cause if we ever did anything wrong she could easily say we were someone else's kids and we were not related to her or her family. once again i filed it away but it hurt deeply. my boyfriend was being a lil standoffish in the morning on christmas day and my mother kept complaing on how my sister didnt bring a gift for anyone but her own son and my dad. they showed up on christmas day about 4pm when we (my boyfriend and son) were fixing to head back home. she had bought another gift for my dad and my mother just looked at me sadly(the only gift she had gotten was from me and my dad. i could tell her feelings were hurt by this and my sisters new husband, i hardly even remember being introduced to him had vanished after 5 sec of their arrival, never to be seen again.(the 1st time i had ever met him)

well the day after christmas i spoke to my mom and what i thought was a good christmas was a nightmare to her. she was so grateful that my sister had finally shown up, she had called my boyfriend a bigot and racist for being anti-social (even though my sisters husband did the same thing) she just went off on me, telling me if i want to talk to someone make sure its not her because she doesnt care. i was hurt and i cried for hours, i was at work the day after christams and luckly i was the only one in the office so know one saw me cry. i went home and felt like the life had been sucked out of me. i felt like i had NO FAMILY, I DIDNT BELONG ANYWHERE!! my boyfriend was sweet he took my son and went to his mother's while i sort things out with myself. i had filed the incident away again and vowed that i didnt need them, they obvisouly didnt want to help me or be supportive in anyway so who needed them!!

i went on with my life that weekend watched football on sunday and started planning a lil new yrs eve party for that week, went on and took the days off knowing i wasnt going to get paid, to stay at home with my son. i went to work monday and by the time i got home i was relaxing and about to pop in a movie when the attack happened. since the anxeity attack (my parents know) i confronted my dad, but all he wants is peace between us all. my mother feels she hasnt said anything wrong and thinks i brought all this on myself(she hasnt spoken to me since the day after christmas) my sister has been trying to be nice, but i know all she is trying to do is to get to start talking bad about mom and then start more chaos. i stay out of their drama and even though they may be the root of mine, i don't concern them with it, i already know what they will say and how the outcome will turn out.

AS AN ADOPTEE YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE LONGING TO BELONG SOMEWHERE, A FAMILY TO CALL YOUR OWN.

my 'adoptive mother" has always said lil things to me hurtful and disrespectful, i was the middle child forced to be the oldest, the one they thought would be the "bad one" the one they really didnt want she stated. they didnt want to split up 3 sisters UNlESS we chose not to go. i always wanted to go they were my family now, but if they could they would have left me behind. i am a survivor, i havent come this far without a few rough patches and i know there will be more. but what i dont understand is why?? why has she said all these things to me after raising me for 23 yrs of my life??? i hope its just what she said not what she meant, but then again she has always said, she doesnt say anything unless she means it.

[sammiesosa]

in a way i know what your saying i long to have a family yes i was adopted into one but only cus they need a fix to a marrige and try and change someones mind it didnt work i dont belonge to the family im not part of the family but a possension of the family i understand the fact you said when an adopttee youll alway long for family and i do

i am was born in windom hospital in ct. i have 2 older sister and 1 older brother i was born may 16th 1986! and i want to find my real mom!

[bontue]

I have read the message from the young woman whose parents never actually adopted her, but were her legal guardians. Also read the two messages below hers ... one from young woman born in May, 1986. I am the adoptive mother of two beautiful children ... one born in February, 1986. That is my daughter who
seems to be going through some very unusual things that I can only attribute to being adopted. She came home to us when she was two days old. We were truthful from the very beginning about the fact she was adopted. We have no biological children.
We have loved our two children more than our own lives. We are
a "typical American family" with lots of extended family and many friends who have embraced our children in so many wonderful ways. It is becomming apparent to me that I cannot fill a void in
my daughter's life, as she writes letters to her birth mother telling her that she longs to meet her and that she loves her. She of course has no place to send the letters. She has located her birth father and his family. While the father himself lacks a great deal in character, his parents are wonderful. His father
told my daugher that he was so glad she has the Daddy that she does and not his son, as his son is no Daddy. They know their own child. His parents are great grandparents to both my daughter and my son (who is not related to them at all).

At first I was very hurt by my daugher's thoughts and wishes
about her birth mother. However, after about five years of
dealing with it and with dealing with some fairly large problems that I can only assume involve this desire to find the birthmother,
I am no longer hurt ... I am merely frightened for my daughter's
emotional well being. We have tried so hard to be everything that good parents should be, but I guess we just can't fill the
shoes of the birthmother she longs to know. Our son says he
has no interest in his biological parents and seems to be well adjusted. I found this site quite by accident. I guess this just makes me feel better to write all this down .... If there is anyone with any words of wisdom for us, we would love to hear them
Our daughter has an appointment with a counselor next week.
We are hoping to solve her issues and help her go in the right direction. We love her dearly. She is a lovely girl with many wonderful traits. She has a good heart, but makes very bad decisions .... decisions that are very hurtful to other people.

God bless everyone who is touched by adoption. We can all use
His Amazing Grace.

Bontue

[Cleopatrick]

I don't know your whole situation so I'm making guesses here based off of what you wrote. It sounds like you feel that because your daughter is looking for her bmom that she has no place in her life for you. I'm an amom also, and I don't think that this is true. Just as we can love more than one child, our children can love more than one parent. My hubby and I did a lot of research because we wanted to be sure we make good decisions about our kids when it comes to adoption issues since we had never dealt with them before. One of the things I've seen is that many adoptees would love their aparents very much and wouldn't want to change a thing about their lives, but they still have the desire to search for the bfamilies. I think it's very hard for us aparents not to be hurt by our childrens desire to search out their heritage, but I think most of the time we have to reason for it. We are mom and will always be mom, but they have another mother out there that they have a desire to know more about.

I really hope that dlouis or shirleyville sees your post. They are two of the most well adjusted people I know who both happen to have been adopted. Both searched, and both have great love of their afamilies.

I may be WAY off base since, as I said, I only have your post to go off of, but it might help your daughter if she knew that you supported her search and that you were secure enough with her to let her fly.

[smitty0244]

I wanted to reply to the post on "what my adoptive mother said."

I don't think that you should blame yourself for how your mother is acting. It is how you react to how she is treating you that should be your only concern. She obviously has some of her own stuff and I think she sounds very unhappy. That is her stuff. How are you going to live YOUR life??? How do you want YOUR life to look and feel????

I am adopted. I just turned 33 and I am just starting to get out a lifelong depression (with help from meds and counsel). Although i do have a loving adoptive family, I have JUST realised that my life has been a series of sadness. It could be genetic, but it could also be the way I am holding my life and my adoption.

I have always felt not purely "part" of my extended family, with some exceptions. My parents are very loving and I have a great adopted brother, but there was always that void, that need to know my past. But quite frankly I am tired of feeling sad all the time. I want my life back. I am hoping to find my birth mother by the end of this year. I just recently got her name and my birth name. And although I might find her this year, I then still have to live my life as an adoptee, with all of my emotional stuff, ect...

Don't you want YOUR life back?? Don't you want to feel good in YOUR life despite what your parents say or do to you?

Life is TOO short (this is going to be on my gravestone). It is a good moto to live by. Maybe give it a shot and see what happens.....

[l-thompson]

I agree with you smitty - genetics ceratinly play a big part in who we are. I also agree that adoption and being adopted has a contribution as well......

After many, many years I finally understand the wonders of me...so many years of not realising certain quirks in my personality - so different from my a/family.

It is truly an enriching experience to finally reunite and get an insight into who and what contributed to me.

[bontue]

I have read the message from the young woman whose parents never actually adopted her, but were her legal guardians. Also read the two messages below hers ... one from young woman born in May, 1986. I am the adoptive mother of two beautiful children ... one born in February, 1986. That is my daughter who
seems to be going through some very unusual things that I can only attribute to being adopted. She came home to us when she was two days old. We were truthful from the very beginning about the fact she was adopted. We have no biological children.
We have loved our two children more than our own lives. We are
a "typical American family" with lots of extended family and many friends who have embraced our children in so many wonderful ways. It is becomming apparent to me that I cannot fill a void in
my daughter's life, as she writes letters to her birth mother telling her that she longs to meet her and that she loves her. She of course has no place to send the letters. She has located her birth father and his family. While the father himself lacks a great deal in character, his parents are wonderful. His father
told my daugher that he was so glad she has the Daddy that she does and not his son, as his son is no Daddy. They know their own child. His parents are great grandparents to both my daughter and my son (who is not related to them at all).

At first I was very hurt by my daugher's thoughts and wishes
about her birth mother. However, after about five years of
dealing with it and with dealing with some fairly large problems that I can only assume involve this desire to find the birthmother,
I am no longer hurt ... I am merely frightened for my daughter's
emotional well being. We have tried so hard to be everything that good parents should be, but I guess we just can't fill the
shoes of the birthmother she longs to know. Our son says he
has no interest in his biological parents and seems to be well adjusted. I found this site quite by accident. I guess this just makes me feel better to write all this down .... If there is anyone with any words of wisdom for us, we would love to hear them
Our daughter has an appointment with a counselor next week.
We are hoping to solve her issues and help her go in the right direction. We love her dearly. She is a lovely girl with many wonderful traits. She has a good heart, but makes very bad decisions .... decisions that are very hurtful to other people.

God bless everyone who is touched by adoption. We can all use
His Amazing Grace.

Bontue

[dewoody]

i thank you all for your replies and i have been fighting to get MY LIFE back for sometime now. As for my "adoptive" mother ,i just simply ignore now. I am still searching for my older sister and even started to consider looking for my birth mother, I feel the anger toward her starting to fade and more of a calmness and understanding setting in. All I can do is take it day by day.

[DustysRider]

I just thught I would tell you that as a 'step-parent', temporay custodian of 2 of my husband's nephews and not being able to have children 'of mine own', I've always felt as if I was missing something in my life.
I raised my step-daughter from 4 - 18, now I'm caring for a 1 & 2 year old who's parents are more interested in long-haul trucking than their children. Between seeing some of my sister's children born, helping my neighbor with her newborn and now expeiencing teething, learning to understand what the 2 year old is saying, being up half the night with the 1 year old who has nightmares, I don't feel so 'empty'.
However, as much as I am needed by the boys and loved by my neices and nephews, there will always be a small hole in my heart that will nver heal as I have no children to call mine.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that we 'adoptive' parents have feelings, wants, needs and 'voids' in our lives too!

[DustysRider]

I just thught I would tell you that as a 'step-parent', temporay custodian of 2 of my husband's nephews and not being able to have children 'of mine own', I've always felt as if I was missing something in my life.
I raised my step-daughter from 4 - 18, now I'm caring for a 1 & 2 year old who's parents are more interested in long-haul trucking than their children. Between seeing some of my sister's children born, helping my neighbor with her newborn and now expeiencing teething, learning to understand what the 2 year old is saying, being up half the night with the 1 year old who has nightmares, I don't feel so 'empty'.
However, as much as I am needed by the boys and loved by my neices and nephews, there will always be a small hole in my heart that will nver heal as I have no children to call mine.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that we 'adoptive' parents have feelings, wants, needs and 'voids' in our lives too!

[DustysRider]

I just thught I would tell you that as a 'step-parent', temporay custodian of 2 of my husband's nephews and not being able to have children 'of mine own', I've always felt as if I was missing something in my life.
I raised my step-daughter from 4 - 18, now I'm caring for a 1 & 2 year old who's parents are more interested in long-haul trucking than their children. Between seeing some of my sister's children born, helping my neighbor with her newborn and now expeiencing teething, learning to understand what the 2 year old is saying, being up half the night with the 1 year old who has nightmares, I don't feel so 'empty'.
However, as much as I am needed by the boys and loved by my neices and nephews, there will always be a small hole in my heart that will nver heal as I have no children to call mine.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that we 'adoptive' parents have feelings, wants, needs and 'voids' in our lives too!

[DustysRider]

I'm sorry, I have NO idea why my post is tripled...

[kimmy12]

Hi all,

I have just read this thread and as an adoptee wanted to make a few comments.

To dewoody, it sounds that you are better of with not having comunication with your adopted mum for a while , you certainly do not deserve the way that you have been treated. I hope that you, your boyfriend and son can go forward with your life and be happy as a family unit, it doesnt sound as your aMum deserves to be part of your life and I feel that if you keep comunicating with her she will think her behavior is ok. (My opinion) I hope that she realizes her mistake soon.

To Bontue, you are a adoptive Mum that has an amazing understanding and love for your daughter. I have also come from a loving family but still felt the desire to know everything i could about my birth parents. For me it was to have my past completed .I dont know what the future will bring but knowing about all my past completed the cycle of my life up till now.
About the fact that your adopted son has not taken the same root doesnt make you daughter unusuel, I have adopted friends and we all decided at different times in our lives when we wanted to start our searches. It is definatly an individual desire, even reasons why are different from person to person. Your daughter does not love you any less for wanting to do this so please never take it as a personal afront or feel you havn't done enough, you have done all the right things. Embrass all of what she is, her past present and future makes her your daughter after all.

I cant speak for the feelings of all adoptees, just my experiences. I hope that one day your daughter realizes that you suporting her the way you are makes you one of the special MUMS.

Hope ive been some help to both you and Dewoody

[bontue]

Hi Kimmey ..

thanks so much for taking the time to send me your thoughts.
Your e-mail made me feel much better. I am happy to report that
my daughter seems to be feeling much better. She is expecting a baby in February .. maybe that has taken her mind off other things!

It sounded from your e-mail as if you have located your birth parents. Is that accurate ? ... If so, how did that go?
I'd love to know.

Again, thank you for your insight ... You made my day!!

Love,
Bonnie Myers

[kimmy12]

Hi Bonnie,
I am happy that my post helped you, I feel strongly that parents like yourself need to be told that you do a wonderful job ,we as adoptees do appreciate how hard it is for you sometimes.

With reference to me physically finding my birth parents the answer is no.
I was adopted in 1967 from Hong Kong into a family living in England. With me came a lot of imformation about my birth mother, her parents and her past. In fact all answers to the most important questions I had . At the time of my adoption this was standered information to give to adoptive parents to see if they wanted the child. I gathered more information by seeing a social worker from the agency that placed me for adoption but have come to a dead end as to what happened to her after 1967.
This has not saddened me to much as its the INFORMATION that is precious to me and that is all my adopted friends were looking for as well.

Dont get me wrong, but from experience I wish that your daughter does try and find information about her past if she wants to, as it may help her cope better with life in the long run .
However I hope through this e-mail you can see that she might not have to PHYSICALLY TRACK DOWN her birth mum to find the answers.
I also hope my story has helped you and that you do the serching together, as I think it will also help you to acknoledge that this is not something she is doing to hurt you or your other family members.

Good luck and congratulations on becoming a Grandmum soon.