[creed_04679]

I have read with interest over the last several months just how many aparents do not want to discuss their children's adoption or bfamilies (especially the closed ones which I come from). Don't they realize how damaging it is for their children, where do their fears come from as their children become adults? As adults it is our choice to make our own decsions in life and figure out who we want to be around and who we don't . My bson is 34 years old and he is still afraid to tell them that we have been in a reunion for the past 10 years. Fear of hurting them I guess. This just seems so riduculous to me, I can't figure out where they are coming from. Really, all it has done is make him stay away from them more, don't they get this? Its his life and what makes him happy should be more of a concern about him, not them in their selfish beliefs. Because of them and the way they have acted and responded I have a bitter taste in my mouth for a lot of aparents although I know there are many, many great ones out there. Anyone else have a similar situation? creed

[KellyR]

I probably shouldn't be posting here, but as a prospective aparent, just wanted to say that reading through this forum is what led me to read books on open adoptions and now we are seeking an open adoption. I agree, I think the child *has* to come first. After educating ourselves, we are *really* excited about someday adopting a child in an open adoption. I'm hopeful that the child we adopt will never agonize with what ifs and won't ever have to search, fear being rejected, etc.

But, there are many variables...first, aparents have to be educated to seek openness...at first thought, it may sound scary. You should hear the response I get from friends and neighbors about us seeking an open adoption. They just don't *know* and I am slowly educating them as they ask questions.

Also, it is about bringing the right people together. There are certainly situations where it may not be healthy to have openness (issues with drugs, prior abuse, etc.) There are also bmoms that don't WANT contact, so there have to be aparents willing to go into those situations.

We are seeking a bmom that wants to stay in contact...for the very reason that we want our child to benefit from openness.

Hugs to you I'm happy that you have been reunited with your son!

[Sharon]

I think SOME aparents fear bparents for the same reason that SOME bparents resent, fear, and distrust aparents... because each set of parents loves the same child, and because each has a special connection to the child that the other can never have, and this makes some people (aparents and bparents) mighty uncomfortable. I imagine fear of the unknown is also sometimes a factor, on both sides, especially in closed adoptions. There is nothing remarkable or extraordinary about this to me; it's just human nature.
What is remarkable to me is how many, many aparents have overcome (or never experienced at all) any negative emotions toward their childrens' bparents; how many have opened their lives and hearts to their childrens' bparents. There are so many aparents right here on this forum who are willingly, unselfishly participating in this new social experiment called open adoption. I'm sure it's not easy at times; they are exceptional people who have my unending support, respect, and admiration.
JMO, ~ Sharon

[hfm123]

I was 18 when decided to search for my bmother. I started my process by asking my parents what they thought. I was so impressed with their incredible depth of honesty. Over the past 15 years (my reunion was 5 years ago), they continue to impress me with their honesty and support. They shared with me what their experience was like in 1967, when they adopted me. They had gone through so many years of not being able to have children, and then, when I was given to them, it took a year for the courts to make it final. I can’t imagine the incredible journey they have traveled and the many obstacles they had to overcome, so I could be their daughter. I also can’t image in the incredible journey my bmother has traveled!

There is SO much involved for everyone when it comes to adoption, a search and a reunion. My parents have talked about how my search and reunion took them back to a time that was filled with both pain and joy, because of the years leading up to my adoption, as well as the first year when a social worker could have taken me away at any time.

I love my parents so much for sharing their pain and joy with me, and it has allowed me to share the pain and joy of my reunion with them. But it's not easy! It took a lot of time, trust, and patience for everyone involved.

[adoptedsiblings]

Dear Friends,

I love open adoption! I adopted my best friends kids...she battles mental illness and could no longer take care of her most valuable and cherished possessions! I have had "our" children two years now and she is still the first person I call when something exciting happens. Bmom lives in florida and I live in Virginia. We talk at least two to three times a week and the kids talk to her when they want to. This arrangement scared the heebeegeevies out of my parents..."what if she wants them back? is this good for the children?" These are all valid questions, but I love the relationship I have with the kids bmom. I think that children cannot get enough love...mine are blessed to have an extended bfamily that loves them very deeply. People are afraid of what they don't know...open adoption is having a mutually agreeable amount of disclosure between the aparents and bparents. As an aparent, I control the contact (until the kids are adults) and i'm very lucky to have a bmom who is very good not to test those boundaries. We have respect for one another. I'm not afraid of her ...she will always be my kids birthmother! I want to celebrate the specialness and uniqueness of our situation! Kids cannot get enough love! I say that as long as a birthparent is consistent, and respectful ...they should be allowed to be part of the kids growing up...and the aparents should be allowed to set the boundaries and call the shots!

Love all y'all

April L.

[l-thompson]

For me I put it down to the fact that I was born in the sixties and adoption was something that was a secret. My parents did not like to discuss my adoption at all - its as if my life began the day I was placed with them.

I really think they thought that the day the final adoption was signed that that was the book closed, never to be opened again.
They did not even anticipate that the day may come when I wanted to search for my birthmother. It saddened me that I could not share my feelings with them....it was sad that they did not realise that I have love in my heart for many people and that reunion would not take away from them..

My parents passed away before contact was made and I know this sounds awful but it was a blessing in many ways.
No torn loyalty and being able to go into reunion without fear of disappointing my parents.

[Tenorchick]

I just wanted to give perspective from a recently reunited adoptee. I met my birthmother in December 2002 and my birthfather in January 2003. During both reunions, my adopted parents were there will me, totally supportive and genuinely happy for me. They even got to meet my birthmother first, since my plane was 5 hours delayed! They sat with her and her fiance in the airport lounge, talking and getting to know each other while I waited for my plane to be cleared for take-off.

For the longest time, I never mentioned my adoption except in roundabout ways, never asking the questions that I really wanted to ask because I felt that I would be hurting my a-parents feelings. For years I kept my feelings bottled up inside and never mentioned that I was beginning my search. Finally, it was my a-mother who asked me if I was searching or wanted to, and I said yes. She and my a-father immediately gave me all the information they had and were 100% supportive.

In regards to a-families not wanting to mention the adoption, my a-mother once told me that my grandmother told her that my sister (also adopted) and I should never be told that we were adopted. She said she'd read an article or something about adopted children being told they were adopted and feeling out of place in the family and that they were not loved. As ridiculous as this sounds, some people do think this way and my mom was so afraid that she waited until my sister and I were 12 and 13 years old to tell us about our adoption. I don't think it was for any selfish reasons, I simply think that she was afraid for us. She didn't want us to feel like we didn't belong. Then, when I did decide to search, I made sure that I reassured both my a-parents that I was not trying to replace them, that they were and would always be my parents, my Mom and Dad, and that I loved them. I kept telling them this throughout the entire search, so that they would never feel as though I was trying to replace them. I think that helped them, and I think it helped that they were involved in both reunions. Most of all, my a-parents did not want me to get hurt. They tried to prepare me for the fact that my reunion might not be a happy one. And I think that perhaps this is the reason that adoption is a touchy subject for some people. The last thing my a-parents would ever want is for me to be hurt, and that was the hardest part of the search for them...I had to put my heart on the line, and they knew that this was a decision that was going to change all of our lives.

I'm sorry for this post getting so long, Creed. Maybe one day your son will be able to help both of his families unite. As an adoptee who has seen the joy this reunion can bring, I wish that all adoptees could experience it. I think that the most important thing he can do is to let his a-parents know that they will always hold a special place in his heart, and that nothing can ever change that. But the human heart can know more love than we can imagine, and there is a special place there for you too, and for all of you together. I wish you the best in your journey and that you find all the joy you deserve!

Lori

[creed_04679]

Dear Lori:
Thank you for your positive outlook on adoptee's and their feelings between both sets of parents. Unfortunely in my case, my son's afamily is really afraid and wants NO part of our relionsip. It would be so much better for our son to want to be able to share in his happiness with us (his bfamily), and its really a negative point in his life. Our relationship has been one of many ups and downs, but at this point in his life (he's 35) and determined to have a relationship with us. I truly feel terrible that his aparents cannot and probably will never accept us, it just pulls him more and more away from them. He and his family will be here again this weekend (we only live 3 hrs away) and I am sure that my grandson (theirs as well) will probably say something soon. My daugher in law wants him to tell them, but he just feels to afraid or something. I certainly would open my home and heart to them, why can't they let him be happy and supportive? He loves them, but I can see and tell it is driving a wedge between them......................help...............I don't feel there is anything I can do. I am a wonderful, caring person and do understand their concern. What am I to do? creed

[shirleyville]

Boy...this issue really strikes a chord with me!!
I was born and relinquished in 1964 when it was the "norm" to tell birthmothers to "forget and move on", and to tell adoptive parents to press forward as well, mentioning as little as possible about the adoption, in general.
My father is a psychologist, and to this day, although he is now 75 and retired, it still baffles me how he could have thought this was a "healthy" way to go where I was concerned.
My a-parents never spoke of my birthfamily, other than to tell me that I was adopted, when I was very young. After they broke the news, they refused to discuss the topic, maintaining that they didn't know a thing about my birthmom, other than the fact that she was a "young girl who couldn't take care of me".
Anytime I broached the topic, they would shut me down.....body language, tone of voice and many other "clues" let me know real quick that this was a taboo subject.
It made me miserable as a kid.....I felt like something was "wrong" with me because I was curious -- yet no one would talk to me about it. Eventually, I gave up, and any thinking I did about the subject was done in private.
In 2002, my a-dad came over to my house while I was out and sat down with my husband. He said he wanted to tell him the name of my birthmom so that one day, if I needed medical attention after he and my mom pass away, someone would have her name. He said he would tell my husband the name ONLY if he PROMISED never to tell me that he knew it. He could only use the name in the case of medical emergency.
My poor husband was in a terrible position!! He is a man of his word....if he promises something, he never goes back on it -- and he thinks the world of my dad!! He would never break his word to my dad -- EVER . He knew that if he didn't "swear", my father wouldn't come off the name, and I might never know it........but on the other hand, if he gave his word and got the name, he knew he couldn't tell me.
I was in the middle of a search for my birthmom, with a state-appointed CI at the time, so he knew how very important this name was to me. He also thought that my CI would eventually find my birthmom and give me the name herself -- so he felt okay about promising not to tell. He went ahead and gave my father his word, and my father, in turn, traded the name for his sworn secrecy.
As time went on, and the search for my birthmother turned out to end in a "no contact" situation, my husband was sick....literally sick (physically) from the secret he was carrying. It made him resent my presence because when I was with him, it was a constant reminder that he was withholding valuable information from me -- information I wasn't going to get from my CI, afterall. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore, and he ended up giving me her name......but it very nearly cost us our marriage.
I have a lot of really bitter feelings about that situation. I absolutely can't believe my own dad would come into my home and ask my husband to deceive me!!! His insecurities (as well as my mothers) even after nearly 40 years, caused him to bring his secrets and lies into my home and my marriage!! My husband said he used the term "Sally's real mother" when he referred to my birthmom...and that he said it as if he were choking on it!
How is all that supposed to make me feel , ya know??? Luckily, I am a prett self-actualized person....but if I weren't, it would be pretty damaging, psychologically.
My birthfamily is where I came from.....they created me!! I should be able to talk about them!!! I should be able to feel proud and happy about my origins -- not like it's some dirty little secret to be hidden away! I shouldn't have to feel like my thoughts are wrong and that wanting to know where I came from is unnatural or bad.
Eventually I used that name to locate my birthfamily on my own....and much to my shock, they all live within ten miles of me!! My birth aunt was BLOWN AWAY to discover that she had virtually watched me grow up, as I went to school with her own daughter and played on the same sports teams. She even wallpapered my parents home a few years ago....and neither party had a CLUE that I was who I was. My birth great grandparents, grandparents and eight of my grandfather's brothers and sisters are buried at the end of my street -- not two minutes from my back door, and only one row away from my a-grandparents and the future site of my parents graves!!!! They would FREAK if they knew that....they would absolutely FREAK!!!!!!!!!!
I'll never tell them, tho.....never! They made this a "private" matter when they shut me up 40 years ago....and they drove it home with the stunt with my husband. I wouldn't share this with them for a million dollars!
I love my mom and dad....they are good people and have given me the world over the years -- but the one thing they didn't give me was the feeling that where I came from was okay. And you know what? I would trade all of the "things" I was given over the years for the ability to have grown up talking about my birthfamily.
Hugs,
Sally

[creed_04679]

Shirley: I could just sense the anger you have felt towards your aparents about with holding valuable and needed information about YOUR roots. I don't blame you one bit for being angry. When a person adopts a child they must realize this is just not their child, this child now belongs to two families. If aparents have a hard time with this issue and bfamilies they need to reconsider adopting. Just last week I was visiting my Mom in the hospital, I was talking to one of the Nurses and she proudly told me she was leaving for Russia in 2 days to bring home her baby. I asked her if she considered adopting in the US (we all know that is nearly impossible now) and she angrily said "I wouldn't consider the US, I am not dealing with Biological Families period, this baby belongs to me. I was dumb founded (being a bmother), but didn't say anything, but a lot of thoughts ran through my head, mainly that she should NOT be adopting. Shirley I am glad you have a good relationship with your bfamily, most adoptees do, and like you my son has family come HOME.

[shirleyville]

Actually, Creed -- I don't really have a "relationship", per se, with my birthfamily. My birthmom vehemently denied contact with me in January of 2003 -- wants absolutely nothing to do with contact of any kind. She has three children (my sister and two brothers, who are now in their 30's), who know nothing of my existance, and she doesn't feel that she can emotionally handle all of this at this late date.
My birthaunt, while interested in contact, refused to speak with me once she discovered who I was, out of respect for her sister's wishes. We are in a very small rural area, and she just didn't think her sister would understand if she were to speak to me.
She did however, clue my birthcousin in to the "big family secret", since she and I went to school together. My cousin and I have had some limited contact over the last year.....she's been given very tight perameters in which to operate where I am concerned -- she's only "allowed" to tell me certain things and she can't even talk about me in her own home because her daughter happens to be close to my birthsister's son, and everyone is afraid my sister will somehow find out about me, and cause turmoil for my birthmom.
My birthmom lives about 10 miles from me, and my sister and brothers are scattered about in the same area, as well. In November, I wrote to my mom, against my aunt and cousin's directive to NEVER divulge my identity and where I am, since the close proximity would likely cause my mother "undo stress"......but I felt I had to do what I had to do. I respect my birthmom emmensely and I would never do anything to harm her, emotionally -- but I did feel that I owed it to myself (and to her) to say the things that were in my heart to say when I set out to find her. I wanted her to know how very thankful I am for her and for the decisions she made so many years ago. I wanted her to know that I will always carry her in my heart, no matter what her choices are today.......and I said those things, along with many others.
My cousin was extremely upset that I went against her directive to remain "quiet", and cut off contact at that point. I knew that was likely to happen, but I also knew that if I were to move forward, I had to speak from my heart. I am still thankful today that I did what I had to do.....and thankful for the fact that for the first time in 40 years, my mother knows my name....who I am....where I am...and that I will always hold her in the highest regard. My cousin has somewhat come around, and occasionally e-mails me a joke or two....and once in a blue moon, she will respond to one of my e-mails with something benign and semi-personal.
No one will tell me who my father is. My birthmom was living with my aunt at the time she became pregnant with me, and my aunt attended my birth, but she maintains to my cousin that she was never told who my father was. My CI told me that when she spoke to my aunt, that "your aunt definitely knows who your father is, but she isn't about to tell me...." I will more than likely never get to the bottom of that mystery......although I am a pretty stubborn woman!
Hugs,
Sally