[Wilsonta]

A FEW QUESTIONS:

When our kids moved in with us at the end of July, things went pretty well. Most family & friends were shocked at how wonderful the kids are. And still are!!! We are adopting 2 brothers, ages 4 & 6 (S & N).

The older sibling, N, seemed ready for something final. I think he had a better understanding that he wouldn't be staying forever at the foster home & was ready. However, the 4 yr. old, S, was not ready & didn't understand. These boys lived a year in their foster home with 2 foster siblings. One sibling had been adopted by the foster family. Well, due to this, the children of the home called their foster parents mom & dad. And since they never had a mom, the younger sibling, S, really attached & felt this is his mom (especially since it's most all of his memories).

So, we are dealing with 2 separate issues with the kids. First, S crys and says he wants his mommy. I explain that I know he does, but he cannot go back. We did not take him away, but she could not keep him because it was part of the rules. He also has many temper tantrums (related to this). It's getting better, but I just wondered if there is any advice about handling a 4-yrs olds feelings & making sure I'm saying & doing the right things???

The second question is about the older silbling N. He doesn't talk about feelings, but just acts out. I call it "his attitude" when he is deliberating diobeying or looking for trouble. Well, in his case, he was the one that got more of the abuse & remembers more, so there are more issues he needs to deal with. I talk to both kids alot about their families and try to remind them that they are loved, but I worry that he's got alot of barriers hidden inside and wonder if anyone has any advice in trying to break through them?

Also, anyone who has been adopted in a situation like this - I would love to hear from the perspective of someone who was a child going through it & what the adults could have done to help you through it. I want to add that I have been very honest & open with both kids about the whys & hows of what is going on & letting them have a little information about their past (since their dad told them they didn't have a mom at all and the younger thought he came out of a tube or something). Nice, huh? Anyway, any advice would be appreciated!!!

[Fluteglo]

Wilsonta-

I was a bit older when my brother and I were adopted out of foster care. We were 10 & 11. While both of us knew our birthparents, we were ready to be in a home where we knew we would be safe. In our situation our new family had two biological children who are younger than us. For the boys that was not a problem. They were both used to being the youngest and were happy to have another boy to play with. My sister and I caused many problems. We are both first-born - just not of the same bloodline. She was not willing to give up her post so easily. Another issue, that I understand now, is that when I talked about my past life I would say "My mom did this or that". I soon found out that this hurt my a-mom because she made a huge sacrifice to bring two children into her home. It didn't take long for me to stop. My brother and I did act out alot. I had anger issues and would try to inflict pain on myself or (in rare cases) my sister. My parents just stood firm and said that they would not allow anyone to hurt us - ever, not even ourselves. As adults, my brother still has issues and denies the first 10 years of his life. Many say that I'm well-adjusted especially when they hear what I went through as a child. Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to get through to someone who shuts down emotionally like my brother and possibly your older son. Although I felt at many times that my parents favored their biological children over us, I know that it was never true. They simply had the chance to build that special bond and could share stories about when they were babies. My parents constantly reassured us that they loved us and did everything they could to make us feel welcome and equal. The only thing I wish had not happened was the big "family meeting" that was held just months after joining the family because I was at the age of puberty.

As a former abused child, I thank you and praise you for opening your home to two troubled children. There are many unknowns when caring for someone with an abusive past. I'm sure God would not have given you this opportunity if He thought you couldn't succeed.

~Fluteglo

[sammiesosa]

I was adopted and i went threw variouse forms of abuse... i went to therpy and seemed to help lol. make sure you tell them you love them and you always will and that you will always be there for them!! remember those children have been threw alot you need to be there for them... maybee therpy will help...