[silverqueenbee]

"The same hot water that softens the carrot, hardboils the egg."

Thread after thread in some of these forums seem so polarized--either the adoptee is totally okay with their adoption, their aparents and everything that surrounded their adoption. They are grateful and have no wishes that anything would have been different. Then there seems to be a segment that many people in pyscho-babble would label as "wounded", forever handicapped by their adoption and their adoptive parents can't save them no matter what they do. Their lives are completely a mess and the one thing they point to is the adoption itself, the separation from their first maternal bond.

I think most of this is HOGWASH--on both sides. I think all of us, adopted or not, from broken homes or not, perfect families or not have things that affect us adversely or positively.We choose what we do with what we are given. If the individual happens to be a sensitive individual, then perhaps something like adoption would profoundly affect them. It is a profound event that happens to make the best out of a bad situation--one set of parents want children and can't have them and another have a child they can't parent and the child in the middle needs a home. It doesn't mean just because that person wants to know about their history (which in turn means they want to basically know about themselves) that it diminishes the importance and connection that has been built with the adoptive family. The relationship with the adoptive family stands on its own merits--if good parenting is present hopefully a good bond will be formed but not always. The converse is also true--a poor fit between adoptee and adoptive parents may still yield a person who is responsible and able to stand on one's own (See "Antwone Fisher"--the movie based on a true story). THIS ALSO HAPPENS IN FAMILIES OF BIOLOGICAL ORIGIN--what do people blame the maladjustment on then? It seems at times in this forum, adoptive parents need reassurance that everything will be okay--certain adoptees are well-adjusted by own their estimation and denounce that they are in anyway affected by what happened, so there's hope because of that. THERE'S NO GUARANTEES with any of us--adopted or not. People can choose to use their adoptive status as a crutch and some do; I think many adoptive parents need reassurance: please don't question every negative thing that happens through the lens of adoption, because that too, is a different kind of crutch. Many of us realize we ARE connected to two families and need to know about both; it doesn't mean on that basis we are wounded or ungrateful to the parents that did the hard part--the being there as a parent, though the good and bad. It doesn't mean because we, as adoptees, get angry that our information is kept from us and lies were told to all members of the triad and because we want laws changed, that we are unappreciative and negating our adoptions or making them or us as people out to be "less than".

I want to tell you again, there are no quarantees for your child, adopted or not, that they will turn out okay or hold true to the values you've tried to instill. If that's what one is looking for, then adopting is not the answer. You have to realize a trauma of some sort HAS occurred; to not recognize that if and when it arises totally invalidates what has really happened to the adoptee. We don't tell divorcees, "Y'know, it really was better the lousy bum left you" when they're hurting inside. How the adoptee processes the adoption in the years to come depends more on THEM, than on you. The same water that softens the carrot, hardboils the egg. That's what I would like to tell adoptive parents as an adoptee...B

[Sharon]

What an awesome post! OMG, you stated that so well.
As a bmom, I'm also seriously hoping that all adoptees are not angry and wounded. Like most of the aparents here, I'm looking for reassurance that my child will be okay. Isn't that what we all want, ultimately?
I agree that these forums are very polarized on a lot of issues. The "Primal Wound" issue is but one example. I think many of us feel the need to fiercely defend our opinions in the face of opposition. We would all do well to realize that personality is a major factor in how one reacts to different situations. Two people can go through identical experiences, and be affected totally differently. Of course, there are some things that everyone seems to agree on: it's fairly universal that people dislike being deceived, for instance, and are likely to respond negatively to it. But I think (at least, I hope) that as long as we all make an effort to be open and honest, adoption can be a potentially positive experience for everyone involved. I agree that people raised by their bioparents often grow up to have just as much "baggage" as adopted people... and everyone always has some reason. There are plenty of excuses for being unhappy in this day and age; people do not need to look far to find one.
Anyway, thanks for your input. Your post really was so insightful and thought-provoking.
Best, ~ Sharon

[silverqueenbee]

We would all do well to realize that personality is a major factor in how one reacts to different situations. Two people can go through identical experiences, and be affected totally differently. ~Sharon

instead of trying to corral emotions and catergorize our needs-recognize choice-and their consequences instead of blaming- nancy

Sharon, Thanks for hearing what I was trying to express; I could only hope that I expressed my thoughts well enough for someone else to understand!

Nancy, you echoed my sentiments exactly; I guess I just have read too many posts where many members of the triad have worn adoption as the "scarlet letter" on purpose and used it as a handicap to blame failure in their lives on. Thanks for letting me vent alittle pent up emotion!!

Wishing you both well today,
B

[jbb66]

Here Here Ladies! How eloquently put!

Bravo to you!

Joan

[dl]

silverqueenbee: I agree with what you have expressed and have attempted to say similar many times. You succeeded in stating it much clearer than I ever did.

"We choose what we do with what we are given."
This is so true to any experience or situation we face. We can learn and grow or remain frozen in place. We all have the ability to choose how we react.

"It doesn't mean just because that person wants to know about their history (which in turn means they want to basically know about themselves) that it diminishes the importance and connection that has been built with the adoptive family."
Again, so true. I recently have been communicating with my bioDad and was thrilled to look at a picture of someone that looks like me. It did not take a single thing away from the feelings I have and always will have for my aparents.

"People can choose to use their adoptive status as a crutch and some do . . "
It is so sad when people choose to use anything that happened in the past as a crutch that prevents them from enjoying a quality life in the present and future.

Sharon Murphy: "As a bmom, I'm also seriously hoping that all adoptees are not angry and wounded. Like most of the aparents here, I'm looking for reassurance that my child will be okay."
It has always been clear in your posts that the well being of your son is, and always has been, of the utmost concern to you. I have read some posts by bmothers that seemed to want to believe the primal wound theory to increase their own feelings of self worth. I thought that was very sad.

Nancy Minton: "i know adoption has affected many parts of my life but it was still my choice to relinquish my son-a choice im quite proud of and never regret"
Thank you. Many of us were raised to believe that our bmothers made the decision to relinquish out of love for us and the knowledge that for whatever reason they were unable to parent and wanted us to have a quality of life they were unable to provide at that time. We have always believed this made them very loving, strong women that put aside their own feelings and endured pain themselves for us. To constantly read posts by some that instead bmothers were helpless victims who had no part in the decision of our welfare has been very upsetting. Reading your words gives bmothers dignity.

[HappyMomAnna]

I too thank you for these words... and thank you for sharing them in the way you have.

[AMom2Two]

SilverQueenBee, Sharon and Nancy! Thank you for sharing.

[Duchie]

This is an AWSOME thread - thanks for sharing. I've learned alot from it.

Duchie

[francie169]

although i do agree with sharon and silverqueenbee, i do have to say that adoptees do have to go through more than normal children. Now i dont believe in this wound thing, but i think growing up it becomes more difficult in some respects.
I know for me when kids saw me with my adoptive family they would say "you dont look like any of them" and i would tell them i was adopted, and they would say, "eww your from the orphanage", or as my cousin once said to me "well you arent really my cousin". I mean it hurts.. i am not going to lie. But i think some people take it a bit too far.
But, Most people who are not affected by adoption do not come on these forums, so something must need to be talked about, some support must be needed. I dont know if i can hit the nail on the head though. Also, people not affected by adoption dont have to go through the search process and dont have to deal with the emotional ups and downs. And if a person doesnt search, they still have to deal with not knowing any medical history.
Although I do not believe that adoptees are "wounded", I do believe we go through things that many others do not go through, and i am glad we have this forum to share with one another.


I hope i didnt ramble on.....

[StevieGirl]

Originally posted by francie169
i do have to say that adoptees do have to go through more than normal children.

I have to disagree. We don't go through "more", we just face "different" things.

Maybe SOME go through hardships because of being adopted, but that's not the case for everyone.

I'm one of those adoptees that have no issues with adoption. I grew up with a great family, turned out just fine, now I'm in reunion and everything is great with that too. Lucky? Maybe so.

I was always told I look like my amom - so I never felt out of place. Other kids were amazed by me being adopted, and compared my situation to the movie "Annie". (Even though I was adopted at 2 weeks. haha). The only time I remember anything negative from another kids was a boy named Tom called me "adoptee" during recess . . . because I called him "redhead". lol But calling me adoptee didn't even hurt me. It was what I was! I didn't see it as something bad.

So I guess my point - there is no "every adoptee", because not a single thing fits every adoptee. Our situations are all different.

And I'm sure it has a ton to do with personality.

My amom and I didn't get along well growing up. I could blame that on being adopted, but why? My bmom doesn't get along with her bio daughter right now either. It's typical of mothers and daughters!

Just rambling.

[francie169]

I do agree with you.. actually. maybe i didnt word the "going through" correctly. I know that there is no "every adoptee", BUT I AM PUTTING THE IDEA OUT THERE, JUST A THOUGHT TO TRIGGER MIND: why do people from the triad, if so like everyone else and there is no excuse of adoption, come to these types of forums?? what are we all looking for and needing from one another, if there is nothing that diferentiates our situation from another??
- now this is just an idea. I dont think i can hit the nail on the head with anything. I agree with you, adoptees dont suffer or anything crazy like that. But, most people do not have to go through the reunion process, which, in your case seems ideal, but for many many people is not, and i think this is what makes us stand out. I do and did feel there was a part of me missing, and that space was for my birthmother, just to know who she is, what she is like. Now that is something NO adoptee can deny, their curiosity.
So while i do not agree with people who blame their life hardships on their adoption, I do not agree with those saying adoption has no affect on their life. It definatly does.

I dont mean to pry steviegirl, no offense, but, if that coment when that boy "Tom" called u "adoptee" didn't affect you, then how do u remember the event so well. During recess, his name, I dont even remember who told me i was gross because i was from the orphanage. I think comments do affect us. I bet redhead affected him, and he does have red hair. I mean everyone has issues and sore spots, but dont say little comments didnt affect you, they affect everyone.

[HappyMomAnna]

I am not an adoptee but I can remember the names, faces and words that were said to me by mean little kids on the play ground! I can still remember the mean things I thought to say back to them but kept in my head.... and I especially remember Dale the redheaded boy who had the nerve to tell me my hair wan't red enough!