Hi!

My name is Patty Schlossberg, and I am the new moderator to this forum. I wish to welcome you all here! Your thoughts, questions and topics for discussion within this forum are all welcome!

All I ask is no flaming, no foul language.

I am an adoptee. I was taken away from my birth parents at age 10 months due to alcoholism and domestic abuse. I am one of 8 children biologically, and we are all adopted or in permanent foster placement. Most of us has met up with our birth parents and many are sill in touch with our bmom. Our bfather has since passed away in 1995.

I was moved from several foster homes until I was finally placed in a family that had 2 slightly younger children of thier own at age 6.

My adoption, to be honest was difficult and painful. I believe the whole family was significantly affected by it, both good and not - so good.

Feel free to post or write to me if you have any questions. Everyone is welcome, this is a discussion/forum inwhich anyone connected with the adoption trio, or knows someone who is, can contribute to.

Thank You!

Patty Schlossberg
Reunited Adoptee and Moderator

[JENNI]

Hi!
I'm new to this forum. I am a foster parent who is getting ready to adopt my foster son. I couldn't love him more if he was my own flesh! He is African American and we are white. When we are ourselves, I feel like there is nothing different about him and he IS part of our family. But I worry that when when he gets older, he will have problems fitting in at school, etc, not only because he's adopted, but because we are diffent skin colors. I pray about it and know in my heart he belong with us. How can I fill his void before he gets one?

Dear Jenny,

Welcome aboard! You pose a great question here. As an adoptee myself, I can really appreciate you wanting your son to feel accepted and feel like he is fitting in. There are hundreds and perhaps thousands of African American babies and children who are adopted into white/caucasion homes.

Many have had adjusted well, though just about all have had their issues and challenges.

How old is your son, Jenny? Is he a toddler or in school now?

One suggestion might be to research other families and find out who also has adopted a baby with a different race for them, and find out what issues and challenges came up. You will most likely get a mixed bag reaction from your extended family, friends, and neighbors. Some will be supportive, while others, even though well-intentioned might question why you are adopting a black baby and ask all kinds of rude or even wierd questions. Comments are bound to come up too.

You might also want to educate your self on matters as even the history of African Americans so that as your son grows up you can help him celebrate that he is not only a member of your family, but also to the black community. Afterall, he is African American first and whether he is adopted or not, he is still very much entitled to his heritage and race. One thing you can do is be actively involved with your son by observing as much as you can during Black History Month. You can take him to museums, rent videos and books depicting the accomplishments of famous black people, research the web, as the internet has a vast resource on these things. The children's library will also be of help.

I am sure there are many things to think about in adopting your son that I have not mentioned here, like perhaps as he gets older, a support group for adoptees. You might need a support group for yourself! You will have great days, and some (or many) that arent so great. I encourage you to find and utilize as many resources that are available now, especially regarding support, so you and your son don't feel so alone at times.

Just out of curiousity, I am wondering what you meant by "when we are ourselves"? Could you clarify that? Not quite clear on what you meant.

I am wondering, are there other African American, or other black adoptees who are adopted into white homes, or adoptees of differnet race in general from their parents who can also respond to Jenny?

What are some of the issues that came up for you and your family?

How did you deal with it and with comments from extended family, friends, neighbors, school, etc?

Did you seek support outside the family?

Is there anything you wished might have been done differently during your upbringing?

Does anyone else have suggestions for Jenny, or insights?

Thank you for sharing your story, Jenny, you sound like you really love your foster son! I wish you the best of luck and hope we get some additional responses for you!

Patty

[JENNI]

Thank you SO much for all your advise. It helps a lot to hear it from someone who has actually experienced it. That's what I needed to hear.
I know I worded it weird when I said " ourselves". I meant when we are within our family or with friends and being ourselves, WE see no differences, but as you hit on in your letter, other people WILL be rude and ask questions, etc.
I guess what I will have to do is not ignore the differences, but celebrate them. Is that what you were trying to say?
Thank you so much.
My foster son is a toddler and has been with us since birth. Right now we have bio-F & bio-mat-Grdmthr contact. Both love him, but are unable to care for him. Our state doesn't have open adoption , but we can work it out between us to keep them a part of his life. That is really what we want. Do you think that will be comforting or a strain on our son? I hope a comfort and link to his heratige. We always though we as adoptive parents would feel threatened by a bio family connection, but really don't. We feel God wants him with us for whatever reason and for whatever time he's here. God has really taught me that all children are HIS, even my bio children are his. They are all a miracle to me!
Thank you so much again!

[DeniseM]

Hi Jenni,
We too are in the processing of adopting our AA(bi-racial) foster son who is now 4yrs. old. We have had him with us for about 18mos. now. I, too, worry about him as we are a white family and I don't want him to feel "different". Sometimes other people are so mean with their questions or looks that we recieve when we are out. I love the question-"Is he yours?" UH....Yes, Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I love him any less. My 15 yr. old daughter was showing his picture to her friends in school and someone chimed in "He doesn't look anything like you" OBVIOUSLY!!!!! Then she asked is he adopted or did your mom marry a "black" guy? I told my daughter that she should have replied "Married? No she just sleeps with "them". I only hope that we can provide our son with a loving enviroment and be able to teach him his culture and teach him to be proud of who he is and what he is, regardless of someone elses uneducated opinions or remarks.
Would love to talk to you about your experiences.
Denise

Dear Jenny,

By all means, yes! Celebrate his differences, let him know you love him for him! That will help him to love himself too! Kids need their esteem reinforced early, and as a foster child, it is even more important.

Also, I would encourage you to keep in contact with his grandparents. He needs that too! His b-relatives will be able to answer questions he has as he gets older and he will find out "who he is" and "where he came from".

Whether we are adopted or not, we all have that biological sense or need or "roots". Adoptees tend to feel it more because if we dont have that information growing up, we feel a gap, and many of us, including myself lose that sense of connection with people. Having contact with biological relatives will give the foundation of security in that aspect. Most adoptees, unless involved in open adoption, or have contact with family at early age do not have much information to go by concerning their bparnents. Non adoptees have their info practically at their finger tips so they never had to give it a second thought.

Patty

[mommysue96]

Hi I am an adoptee who will soon celebrate her 40th birthday. 7 years I decided to seriously search for my birthmother. I started by contacting a local adoption agency and getting a search packet. From there I did the step by step process. So much papaerwork and formalities. Finally I had written a Biography of myself to the adoption agency where I was placed giving a detailed explanation of why I was searching and for what reasons. After what seemed an eternity, I was finally receiving non-identitive information. I was able to get some clues from that but not enough. I was able to get some information through searching for my birth certificate. It is called a birth index. It lists the babies born at the hospital that you where born on , on the day of your birth. There were no gaurentees but I decided to go for it. The process can take a few weeks. Well about 6 weeks later I received my birth index. It had about 12 listings of babies born and the mothers maiden name and married name and the babies name. I was able to locate what I decided was probably me. There was a mothers maiden and married name that where the same an also a un named baby. Well I took that information and got some addresses. I decided to write to the 2 names I obtained with this information. No luck. Well I decided to take it to the next level. I decided to make copies of my socail security, drivers liscence , write a all out heart letter and include a photo of myself and our baby. I also decided to send it certified with return receipt signature. Well 5 days later the receipt was returned. That evening I left with my husband to run some errands and when I returned my answering machine was blinking. The first was a hang up, the second was what I had been waiting for. A gentleman who wanted me to call him so he could tell me about my birthmom. This man was married to her , since divorced and was willing to chat with me. He then put me in touch with my birth mom. Things were great till her husband got wind. Then things came to an abrupt horrible halt. This man called me, told me I am nothing, I mean nothing and that my birth mother wanted nothing to do with me. It has been almost 4 years and I have tried calling and get hung up on by the husband, all my letters are unanswered, did she even get them or where they destroyed? I will not give up. I am in the process of trying to find my birthfather. I hope he has the answers I am looking for. I also did this search on my own and I would be most happy to help anyone who is searching.

Sincerely

Sue

[bsheart]

I would just like to recommend the book Inside Transracial Adoption by Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg. Hall and Steinberg also founded an organization called PACT, an adoption alliance dedicated to meeting the adoption needs of children of color. They offer many excellent resources. Their website is www.pactadopt.org Their reading materials have been very helpful to me as a new (caucasian) adoptive parent of a beautiful Guatemalan baby!

[4theboys]

I hope this is read the way it is intended, I just want to give another possible angle to the transracial adoption discussion... I guess it applies more to the adoption once the child gets older and may feel the need to pull away, some parents think this means it was all for not, but maybe this little parrable told to me by a friend may put some of it in a different perspective....

Imagine that the iraq's came to the US, and are defeating us, they think that americans are a danger to them, so they single them out. There are men dying, taken to prison camps, and tortured. and you, by the grace of God, have found favor with an Iraq family, they do not believe in the war and would not let any harm come to you. You learn their customs, truly like their people, and pretty much live as an Iraq,....Meanwhile close friends of yours have already been sent to the war, people who hold the same heritage as you, and they are tired, hungry, hurt, and betrayed because of that heritage. You love your family, but you know this is your fight and you have to watch others who have been battered well enouph, fight it for you....

Your house is comfortable, you have everything you want, you feel safe and secure, you LOVE the family that found you, but can you REALLY be saved from the intent of the iraq army? Even if your answer is yes, what about all of those friends dying to protect themselves...protect you????

The ending of the story can be varied a thousand different ways, just like in our lives in transracial adoptions.....there is a war, very apparent to black people, that everyone else seems to not see, and if you are in a transracial adoption, and don't acknowlege it, you run the risk of either accidently alienating your own child, or raising a child that does not care about "the cause" in which he was born into.

My husband just told me to simplify it for the men..haha...
White people adopting transracially are the "iraq family" they are great and have really good intentions, but are at this time considered the "enemy" to the most of the US (the black community). Obviously, the man is an adopted son, and how he would feel about the struggle in the black community while living in a transracial adoption.

This is not meant to offend anyone, but enlighten, and very well may not apply to your family, but consider this train of thinking, as it really does exist in many transracial families.

[4theboys]

I completely realize that there is not a obvious war going on with black vs white, it is much more subtle than that, we have evolved from the past, but I really hope to remind people, that most aa parents and grandparents were in the middle of that war, where linchings were never going to get prosecuted, and school was not to be shared, and lord forbid we ate at the same restaurants....and the white people that did it are still alive today, they just know it is not politically correct to voice those views anymore, and don't think for a minute because they can not say them in public that they are not acting on them and teaching their children. These people who have experienced huge injustices will teach their children to protect them, from what is and what used to be. So this "war" will linger alot longer than what we notice in our day to day polite, yet brief integrations.

I would like to submit that if you are "open" or even better EXCITED about adopting transracially, you would integrate your life BEFORE the adoption takes place, have different people over for dinner, actually get COMFORTABLE with the community in which you are going to be forever tied to, through this experience. It is hard to feel like love conquers all in a "colorblind" world, when the only person your family shows love to of your color is YOU.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, it is just something to chew on.

[alicia hunter]

My daughter is hispanic and I am white. She is only 3, but she has noticed. We have just really let her get into the latin culture, and good thing grandma speaks spanish well, and thank God for Dora the Explorer. It has added so much to all of our lives. She is very excited about getting a "brown" (bi-racial) baby sister.

[Shelly1982]

[How can I fill his void before he gets one?]

... Ahh, the noble intentions of any GOOD parent!!!...

Baby doll, that is not something you have controll over!! That is strictly God's department. I know for a fact MY God will take care of you and your son too. I will pray for you and all you have to do is choose HIM. I love your heart, but to worry about trying to fix something you have no control over is only going to cause you trouble. Don't you worry! just do the best you can and let God figure out the rest! His love is the only Love that can fill such a void and the reason is, because He created it. So that we would choose to Love Him.(kindof like a secured loan) Your greatest job is to Love your son the best way you know how and do your best to show him the unconditional love that he may think he lacks from his b/family. Love is stronger than any bully, maybe he'll end up showing his hypathetical bully's a thing or two about the love that they are missing in their life, and if he does it will be because of your love for him. Love, Emmy Anne