[susiema]

Hi,

Does anyone have a reunion gone bad stories???? I would love to here them and how you are handling the second rejection. My went terrible. My b mother stills wants nothing with me and I am not aloud anywhere near them. She won't even tell them we met. We are all in our late 40's and she is 82. And I can't believe she still has all the control. She asked me if she should have aborted me??? She thinks she is a wonderful person for what she for me (giving me up) and called me a spoiled brat. I left all contact with her but now I have even more hurt and anger. Now what????

[Doggymom]

I am so sorry my dear. What a truly awful thing for her to say. I wish it could be different for you. I guess the focus should be on loving relationships in your life instead of her toxicity.

[susiema]

Thank you. And you are so right. I am no longer worry about two that never wanted me and still do not.

[Haygal]

This is so sad, but from what you posted, it sounds like you were extremely lucky that this bitter woman did not raise you. I think it is her loss.

[girlodiamonds]

Last time I checked it was a free country. You can contact whomever you wish.

[1956CheverlyAdoptee]

I agree with girlodiamonds, you can contact whom ever you want.....especially since it is obvious that there will be no relationship with your b mom. What do you have to loose. Just a thought, since your birth mom is in her 80s, do you think there is anyway she could have some Dementia? Many in the beginning stages, are unreasonably angry, sometimes bordering psychotic. I should think that a rational woman wouldn't expect to be able to keep you from contacting the family just because she forbids it. If you need ideas on who to contact, how to go about it and what to say, I would be glad to try to help, just PM me

[kimberkimi]

Susiema...that is heartbreaking to hear that she does not want to be apart of your life. I agree with the others though that if you want to try to build a relationship with others in the family they may welcome you with open arms. I feel she gave you a gift....of not having to be raised by her. I know this may not help you feel better. When faced with adversity such as this do not let it get you down, overcome it by making the relationships you have be the best you can give it. I had some major bumps in the road with my bson when we first had a reunion but I reassured him of my love and I even had to back of a little for him to come to terms with us in his life. Things on my end have turned around for the better. See if you can find other family members that will accept you. There can still be a silver lining in this. Good luck!

[lostmother2012]

My reunion went wrong with my reunion with my son a while back. He started accusing me of things I hadn't done, called me a liar and blamed me for the problems he had with his bank account - he kept going overdrawn and blamed me. He told me he didn't want contact with me until I sorted myself out so I haven't except to send an update on medical info to his parents.

I am so sorry you are going through this and you have a right to have contact with other family members.

[EZ2Luv]

I am so sad for you. Unfortunately , this is similar to my own reunion of sorts. I think it has a lot to do with how adoption was thought of back in the days when bmoms were told to go on with their lives and never look back. Impossible to do if you ask me but some bmoms actually did that. Mine had a lifetime to reachout to me and tell me the truth yet went to her grave with this secret leaving my biosibs to resist and reject me. I will never know who bdad was either. For me knowing the kind of woman my bmom was it does not surprise me in the least (bmom was related so she knew where I was and talked to me regularly,so no excuse). I am just so fortunate that I was not looking for a relationship when I searched just medical history.

I agree you can contact whoever you chose to just be prepared that your bmom may influence how they recieve you.

In my case 2 of the 3 bsibs rejected me and the other one used me as an ATM acting like she accepted me for personal gain but the encounter was short lived.

[murphymalone]

There is no way of knowing how things will unfold. You need to remember that you owe these people nothing other than what you would normally do for anyone else. If this woman is playing games and it sounds like is; it could be because she feels powerless so she is trying to control who you contact.

I reunited and it's been a disappointment as far as any ongoing relationship is concerned. It's not difficult with my father and his extended family but my birth/natural mother is a cold fish. She has not willingly initiated any contact. I believe it's due to the shame. She went on to parent two other children, my brothers. She has some weird way of being absolutely clueless about how her remarks affect me.

If you want to contact someone do it but be prepared for her spite. If you can handle that go ahead. These people won't be around forever and time keeps ticking away. You could always inform them that you aren't contacting them to upset her and see where it goes.

I chose to listen to my birthmother's control issues and now one Aunt has died and I didn't get to meet her. I didn't get in touch with my birth family to upset their lives. I want contact only with those who have an awareness. If they can't behave like adults who needs them really. Take the risk; their might be someone who has their head on straight who can give you information about why this woman has stifled her emotions regarding you.

[susiema]

Thank you for your advice, MurphyMalone. It helped alot and also to know I am not alone with this situation.

[murphymalone]

You are certainly not alone. There are so many people struggling through this that are not able or willing to share the hurt. It's one of those things that leave us in a helpless situation that nobody wants to talk to about. I tell myself not to dwell on it. But it creeps in to my day to day life. We didn't ask to be put in this situation but we took the chance. Maybe people should a little more grateful we did. At least they got the chance to see we are alive and well. I believe that it's worth it to know one way or the other if there is a possibility for a relationship. I took the risk and did my best. So did you. At least we tried. That's must count for something in this wild old world.

[murphymalone]

I go into a blue funk every birthday and Christmas. Rationally I know I can stuff it all back down and live in the here and now. I wrote a short story for a contest here in Canada but the winning story would be published in the paper so I rock back and forth about sending it in because it might hurt my birth/natural mother's feelings because it's based on my issues. When I first met them I was "over the moon" with relief and joy. I couldn't believe my good fortune. Now fifteen years later it's fizzled. The relationship is stunted by my birthmother's inability to express her emotions. It's like having a door slammed in my face. I keep looking at the **** door wondering if I should give a rap on it. I am tired of the pain and toy with the idea of giving her a blast but to what end? Really. What good would it do? I didn't find her to point a finger of blame I just wanted the connection. I can't change the past and neither can she. It happened and all we can do is move forward. I am not sure what she is so hesitant about. I wonder if she thinks she owes me something she can't give. God I wish we could get to the bottom of what keeps her so aloof. If there were a magic wand to unravel all of this I would certainly use it. I keep waiting and that makes me angry. I know that I am powerless to change how she perceives things but if I could find a way to show her that just being with her means more than anything she believes I want from her that she feels she can't give I would do it. It's funny my father's sister talks about what a saint she is for putting up with my father. I wonder what she has had to stuff away. My father is much like me. We are out there, ready to hash things out. He knows all about the abuse and neglect I encountered. I wanted him to know because I wasn't about to keep anything secret. Secrets are dangerous. I wanted to be accepted for who I am. I did the work to get over it and get on with my life. I couldn't risk rejection based on that stuff I had no control over. I am a survivor. Just know you made the effort and hope for the best. It's far better to have taken the risk and been disappointed than to not have taken the risk. At least we are courageous enough to have been the one to offer the olive branch. Keep that in mind. We could have been sitting around waiting to find out. You can adapt to what is....but not knowing keeps you stuck. Time can always change things. You never know. Just don't waste your life waiting for things to change. Keep focussed on what you can change.

[susiema]

I am sorry for what you are going through too, it sounds like we have the same kind of mother. I have to wonder if these women don't become hard inside because they had to give us up and the only way to survive is to kill your feelings. I also wonder what these agencies tell these women, it almost seemed like my mother was brained washed into this thinking.

I too, wonder why she still rejects me. It's like if she admits to something or has a relationship with me it's terrible. I refuse to carry her shame, I didn't do anything.

I have never been able to enjoy a Christmas or birthday either, I feel so disconnected to everyone. I can't live with the lies. It didn't work with my b father either. But somehow I am going to get through this.

Thanks for sharing, I understand completly how you feel.

[murphymalone]

I am glad someone does. There are times when I am ashamed that at 55...I still feel like a lost lamb. I was talking with my Aunt who is very supportive and I read her a story I wrote about issues related to being adopted. she said "Are you angry". It comes through in the story. I told her in the day to day grind; no I am not but there is some frustration you have trouble dealing with when you delve into things. It all started again when I sent an email after Christmas to my bmother. I was venting about my stupid stove that wasn't working. No reply. I don't know if she thought she had to help me financially or what but I certainly didn't expect that. I was just frustrated at the time. It turned out it was a breaker thankfully not the whole stove because I have no idea where I would get the cash to replace it. My brother had not arrived but would be visiting a day or so later. He travelled from the USA to visit. We had made loose plans about getting together. It's a bit overwhelming for him because my parents are getting older. Anyway no reply so I sent her an email saying "Did you get my email about the stove". She replies "yes but I didn't have any advice except to say I am sorry Keep smiling Spring is just around the corner." I was gob smacked. All I wanted was some understanding ie That sucks I hope it's not too expensive etc. Then after he leaves and I get no phone call or email she sends me an email saying you email account is sending "silly" emails. I apologized and that was that. I deleted all my contacts and tried to fix it. So she could take the time to complain to me but couldn't give me the courtesy of acknowledging my situation. That's what makes me crazy. She went into a tail spin because I called my brother when she sounded dejected related to caring for my father who has health issues. She said "I was venting Don't be like Olivia in the sopranos." I couldn't believe it. My brother called her of course and then she's ticked off because I shouldn't worry him. So I wrote the short story trying to put it on paper somehow. It's like having burnt skin peeled off digging around in this stuff. Or at least it's what I would imagine it to be like.