[elle23]

Last time I posted here was about a year ago. I was still flying high over my reunion with my 22 year old bdaughter a few months earlier. We had not yet met, but were talking almost every day via phone and email learning about each other and creating our own path to reunion, it was awesome.

At the time I wrote, we had been reunited through the help of two search angels, and had confirmed through Catholic Charities that we were, indeed, a match.
And, my bdaughter was going through some major life decisions - aside from finding me - and was in the process of moving to the west coast for school in the fall. Yet we still continued to talk, and she told me on several occasions that she was willing to go down this reunion path - whatever may come.

Flash forward to Memorial Day weekend, a few weeks prior she had called me and invited me to come to visit her. I was so excited, this was the moment I had been waiting for.

The plan was to meet on a Friday, I spoke to her that day and she asked to postpone it 'til the next day at noon. I asked her if she wanted to cancel - told her if she wasn't ready that would be ok. I was not getting a good feeling about this. But she reassured me that it wasn't the case at all. So next day, I arrived at the spot we were to meet at the appointed time. By 2 when I did not see her or hear from her, I decided it wasn't going to happen. As I sat crying in the restaurant bathroom, my feelings ranged from frustration (I had flown across the country to meet her), to immense sadness, to rejection.

But all of a sudden my phone rang, she was across the street and was wondering where I was. I suspect she was able to see me from where she had been sitting but had not been quite ready for us to meet. She said she would be over in a minute. 10 minutes went by, I finally realized she was sitting right across from us, and went up to her. I guess I was being pushy, but like a bandaid, I thought it best to just 'rip it off' and go up to her.

The moment of course, was less than a hallmark moment, and not at all what my idea of what the moment of reunion would be like. We spent the day wandering around town, she had a friend or multiple friends with her the whole time. Which was fine, I understood the reason why. But the closeness I thought we had established over the 9 months of conversations and emails was not there. It was so strange. I left that evening without a hug or a 'talk to you soon'. And have not heard from her since.

To make matters worse, just 2 weeks after that reunion, my dear Dad died suddenly and very unexpectedly of a heart attack. I was still trying to reach her at that time to no avail. A few weeks later I finally sent an email telling her what had happened to her bgradfather, and that I was confused at why she was no longer communicating with me. No response.

We met over 5 months ago now and I am at a loss. Do I contact her Aparents and ask how she is, why she won't talk to me?

Or, do I just wait and hope we can reconnect again in the future...and risk opening my heart again to the pain of loss is she pulls away again?

[Withay]

I don't know what to advise as I've never been in this situation. I do, however want to give you support in any way that I can. Please know that I care. {{{{hugs}}}}

[greenbottles]

My bdaughter cancelled a f2f meeting but she was 15 at the time. It hurt, hurt, hurt.
But I have lived through two years of pullback by my bdaughter who is almost 20. This is what i believe your daughter is going through.
Basically my bdaughter has ignored me for two years! It is tough and if it wasn't for the support of my adoption friends I don't think I would have survived the confusion and upset and sadness I felt. I have continued to send her cards and small messages occasionally...that's about all you can do. I have heard some very sad tales of pullback where people haven't heard anything from their bchild for years and then they turn up out of the blue then disappear again...
I would recommend reading Coming Home to Self by Nancy Newton Verrier - she has a chapter on reunion which I found helpful to explain pullback.
Also there are some great first mothers on this forum who have excellent blogs that link to other blogs and many bmothers blog about pullback. Hopefully they will post to this thread.
Don't phone her parents.
Does she have Facebook or Myspace? I'd Send her the occasional message to her facebook ie every four months or so updating her with the good things in your life and send her well wishes.
Hang in there, you are not alone.

[elle23]

Thank you. It is good to hear when we are not alone. I know in my heart that I need to wait and I am grateful for you sharing your story with me. And, thank you for the book reference I will look for it.