[beth1965]

If you found your birth child and found out that he grew up in an abusive household and carried many of those scars into adulthood, would you have wanted him to find you? Would you rather have lived with your hopes? What if he had done some terrible things? Is there a point where you would say, "I wish he hadn't found me?"

[RavenSong]

Beth, this question comes up from time to time here on the forums, and it's always a difficult one.

I reunited with my son almost 20 years ago, shortly after he turned 18. I knew right off the bat that something was horribly wrong between my son and his parents, but I didn't know the full extent of it until after a year or so.

The day my son completely opened up to me about the abuse he endured while growing up was one of the worst days of my life. I ended up walking on the beach late that night, screaming into the wind. I screamed at God, at my sons adoptive parents, at his birth father, at my parents, and mostly at myself. I'm glad no one was around because I'm sure they would have carted me off in a straight-jacket.

I'm glad my son told me about his childhood. It made a lot things fall into place and suddenly make sense. I feel honored that he trusted me enough to open up to me.

When my son was a young adult, he became heavily addicted to crystal methamphetamine...and, yes, he did some terrible things. But he never did anything so terrible that I would turn my back on him, or wish that I had never met him. He will always be my son, no matter what he does or what happens in life. I love him, that's all there is to it.

Would living with the fantasy I had of him when he was a little boy be easier than the truth I discovered? No...because if that meant that I would never have been able to meet him, to hold him, to know him, well then it all would just have been a fantasy. I never knew if my baby was alive or dead until he was 13 years old, and the damage that did to my soul and my mind is hard to put into words.

I did have to deal with my feelings about his abuse in many therapy sessions, and I had many conversations with my priest, a very wise and trusted friend. The most difficult part for me was to see past the abuse as far as his parents are concerned. They are not evil people -- his dad worked in a highly stressful occupation, and he developed a serious problem with alcohol. He's been sober now for many years, so the person I see now is not the person who hurt my son so badly. I guess what happened is that I eventually forgave them. I had to for my son's sake...he loves them, and they are his parents. Today, at the age of 37, he has a fairly good relationship with both his mom and dad. And for that, I'm thankful.

I don't know if this answered your question or not, but it helped me just writing it down.

[JustPeachy]

It would be devastating for me to find out my son was abused in his adoptive home, HOWEVER, I would prefer to know the truth rather than have a fantasy image in my mind.

I'm not sure how I'd react if he did terrible things. If they were in the past, I'd probably leave them there. If it was current and affecting me negatively, or personally directed toward me, I'm sure the thought would cross my mind "I wish I never opened this can of worms!" Depending on the severity, I might have to take a step back, but it's so hard to say how I would react, because as my son, I'm sure I would not be able to just stop loving him. That said, I don't tolerate abuse from anyone, so if it was an abusive situation directed towards me or my loved ones, I would have to carefully consider how I wanted to proceed and might have to take a break from a reunion situation until he got his stuff straightened out. I would do whatever I could to help him, but if he was not ready or able to be helped, I might just have to "let go with love."

[Drywall]

Beth...your story regarding your son and his experience with his a-parents abuse was devastating...it appears that his story and mine are similar...there are probably areas in which the events of our stories would over lap. If he wants help in healing, I have found some ways and would be glad to share.

Altho I have never had re-union, there have been thoughts related to the sharing of those horror shows...who should hear them, and how much to share.

All the books say that the further the time from the abuse, the less vivid and sharp the details...and to some extent, the fewer triggers...in my experience this has been true.

But as the healing developes there is a sense of grief, sorrow and loss....the events happened...but they were not required as a part of a childs adoption experience....there were other ways.

I have only shared those early childhood experiences with 2 people. They had difficulty relating. They had no adoption legacy or any association with abuse. Neither could deal with the story and I lost both friends.

That experience taught me alot. The childhood events in our lives that are different from the majority of the lives of others, are disturbing to them and are often better left unsaid.

The past is a group of experiences that will remain with us. As each chapter of our lives unfold, we can look forward to the peace and stability that comes from healing.

Healing happens slowly and it is a part of all of us. How to measure how much healing has occurred, is unknown.

Some of us will heal more so than others. For some, healing will be 60%, others 40%, some who are fortunate, perhaps 90%. It will be left to us to decide. But we will know it has occurred. It's all we have.

I wish you the best.

PS.... this is also for Raven....