[Xdad]

Well, some of you know my story and have been incredibly helpful and supportive. I have been very open with all that is going on, the ups and downs, the good,m the bad, and the ugly.

Today, we figured out a week that I and my wife will travel to Ohio to "meet" my daughters parents. Her mother is her birthmom, and married a guy to whom I allowed adoption.

I have only spoken to my daughters mother a few times in the past year and half, and it has been a roller coaster.

So, the week of my 41st birthday, I am finally going to be sitting face to face with the woman who I turned my back on, and who gave birth to my daughter 16 years ago.

I am really not worried about the "meeting", but not sure how, or where to do this. The natural answer would be dinner, but maybe we will nervously be eating, and never get into a good discussion?
Should we try something like put put golf, bowling... so there is some interaction? Am I worrying about this too much... dern tooting I am!

And then there is the distinct possibility that I will actually meet my daughter, and speak to her for the first time.

Sooooo...
what ya think? Should I discourage a complete reunion because it may be overload, or should I just buck up and let it happen if it does...

This info is like 5 hours old, and am full of butterflies...

Over-thinking is the Scorpios Achilles tendon.

[St3v3n]

I don't have any answers for you, because I would probably have all the same questions, but I just wanted to say congratulations and good luck! I hope everything goes well and that this is the start of something great for all of you.

[St3v3n]

Funny, I just did the math and realized that I'm about 2 weeks older than you. But here I am on the other end of all this, an adoptee trying to connect with my bparents. Since you're a bdad, it seems you ought to be a generation older than me!

[crick]

I think IF your daughter is there, then an activity will help. Teens & discussions...kwim? An activity helps with that pressure if she's not that talkative.

If it's just the adults, I think a quieter place is better to actually have a conversation.

I think if your daughter decides she wants to meet at the same time as her mom, then you are likely just going to have to buck up and deal with an all in one reunion.

If it were me, I wouldn't be bringing my daughter to the first meeting. But I don't know your ex, so have no idea how she would think along those lines.

Nerve wracking I'm sure!!

[JustPeachy]

Well, I hope they wouldn't just spring your daughter on you without you knowing in advance. Can't they tell you if she will be there? Why does it need to be a surprise?

What is the purpose of this meeting?

If the plan is to have a meeting with your daughter's mom and her husband to discuss things regarding your daughter, then I would opt for dinner where you all can talk w/o too much distraction (go to a quieter place). If the conversation comes to a standstill, you can always just sit with the silence. Sooner or later someone will find something to say. There will be awkward moments, but that's OK.

If the plan is for your daughter to be there, and for your to reunite with her, I would do some kind of activity, but not one that would be so distracting that you wouldn't be able to get to know her a little bit, too. You still want to be able to try and have a conversation with her!

If they do end up bringing her w/o you knowing in advance, I say, buck up and go along for the ride of your life!

Good luck, X-dad. I'm sure you'll do fine!

P.S. Scorpio is not my sun sign, but I do have three other planets in that sign, so I feel your pain!!!!

[loveajax]

I wanted just to say good luck and that I will be 41 next week myself (I am a Libra...and man, do I overthink things too!).

Definitely ask whether your dd will be there or not. I think if it is just adults, dinner would be fine. With a kid, I think an "activity" would be a better way to break the ice.

How far are you traveling? Do you think it is a good time to meet your dd? I hope you get to meet her if you do!

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Xdad]

well....
It is off. My Daughters mother emailed me and said that she doesn't think that my daughter will be happy if the adults talk.

I am a bit destroyed, and perhaps that was the goal in the first place.

This isn't the first time that they have used that door.

I think the adults should be adults, and talk for dogs sake!

Do we let the children make all our decisions?

Anyway, yesterday really was crappy. Today... just dealing with it.

I'm not into games.

This meeting was initiated by my daughters mother, I had NOTHING to do with it.

My email response to her was. " it's ok, thanks, "x-dad". (but I used my real name.

I had nothing else to say. "If you don't have anything nice to say.....".
So here is the sarcastic dancing banana, see how manic his eyes are!!!!

[crick]

I'm sorry...that is disheartening.

I can see taking dd's feelings into account since she is 16 after all. However, I agree with you that the adults can make their own decisions and have a discussion on their own. It doesn't force her to meet or talk to you if she isn't ready for that.

[JustPeachy]

Oh, this is just ridiculous! Sounds like a total mind game. Why did she set you up? I don't get that. Did she just all of a sudden figure it would upset your daughter? Even if it did upset her, I agree with you that the adults involved should be free to talk and have a discussion about how things want to be going forward. I'm sorry she got your hopes up. Hang in there.

[Xdad]

It gets better, well in the last 30 minutes, but I cannot mention it or discuss this see saw of behavior. perhaps I will reincarnate myself to a different user name.

[lowohms]

x-dad, ive followed this, and i hope for the best for you bro. You never know what can happen. something may just click 1 day and there she is. keep your chin up, and remember we are all human.

[kune]

Mother is game playing?? Oh... dangerous stuff that.
Xdad .. .. She says

that she doesn't think that my daughter will be happy if the adults talk

I think your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind and with what has happened to you now, I would like to think she can do exactly that .. .. .. contact you on a one-to-one instead when the Mom chooses.

Have faith xdad - if she wants to know who her father is she will make it happen.

Regards
Ann

[Xdad]

Thanks ya'll,
but with fear of jinxing the situation...

It's back on... I was a bit hesitant to rush out and book a flight the first time, as I imagined that she was bluffing. Itr seemed that I was right... but, I was wrong.

With all of the emotions flying around, I found myself back to trying to protect myself, and took myself out of their shoes for a while.

I have all the faith in the world that my daughter and I will click. I am trying, and hoping that we all can get along, with respect and genuine interest. This is tough, but I think it will happen.

I feel like Kanye West at a Taylor Swift family reunion.

So as it stands, there will be a parental meeting in Nov, and a possible meeting with the parents and my daughter with a "no obligation to speak to me" clause.

Her mother told me that she wants to meet me, in case something tragic happens, and that chance is gone.
It's a start anyway.

It also seems that since she has finally seen my pictures, and knows something about me... she has quit cheerleading, and has taken up coed varsity soccer. She has stopped bleaching her hair, and has even darkened it... and is playing her guitar more.

This makes X-Dad happy

So, I have 4 weeks to figure out all the finer points, and then there is the whole...what do I wear, do I hug, should I excuse myself if I start to ooze liquids out of my eyes, do I bring gifts, get a haircut..... it goes on and on.

I'll probably freak out on that day, and end up with a 5 oclock shadow, suit pants, a college sweatshirt and a cowboy hat

I can say for sure, that I would have not made it this far, so easily, if it had not been for the few following me and their inspiration.
...but the salsa boat isn't empty yet....

[JustPeachy]

Awww, X-dad, you'll do just fine. I think your daughter will think you are awesome! Good luck with all this. And definitely keep us posted.

[Xdad]

Two weeks.....