[Jensboys]

Hey xdad I brought my son (then 13.5) to meet his first/birth/bio dad last summer. He was VERY cautious too but there are some pointers that I think really helped my son ... *(or would have if one of his parents would have done them, the other did and it was great for my son)

#1) huge shows of emotion? DISCONCERTING ... try not to sob, cling, throw yourself on the ground etc. A quick hug? COOL, but more than that was just TOOOO much for the kiddo.

#2) express interest in the kiddo. What does she like to do, common interests, maybe share some anecdotal stories of your childhood she might relate to. Whatever you do dont focus exclusively on yourself, how wonderful you are, how much she has missed out on not being with you etc -- you get my drift show an interest in HER

#3) agknowledge her dad. I know this one is probably hard but my son was FAR more receptive to the parent that happily and easily agknowledged that he has another family and thats cool and good. Show respect for her current relationships in little ways - refer to her dad as her dad, ask about the things they do together etc. I know its hard -- but it will help - the more secure she feels that you arent there to undermine her current relationships or make her feel insecure, the better chance you have of securing your own role in her life.

#4) Admit and discuss, apoligize. My son DESPERATELY wanted an explanation as to why he was adopted, what happened to him etc. He needed to hear that it wasnt his fault - that there was nothing wrong wtih HIM. One parent was able to discuss this with him easily -- and he was VERY forgiving, and the other wasnt -- and he isnt nearly as interested in a relationship wtih that parent at all anymore. My son was willing to hear reasons (not excuses) and was understanding -- but he really needed to hear it FROM them, rather than me giving an explanation.

Good luck Its not going to be easy, but I hope its wonderful for you all.

[lowohms]

excellent points there, jensboys. Mind if i print these out to make mental notes? if and when the time comes for me???

xdad, good luck bro. Cant wait to read about it afterwards.

[Xdad]

6 days....
Gifts? I don't know.

[Dickons]

Xdad,

I don't know your story so this may not be something that would work...

I received a picture of my mother and father together that was taken while my mother was pregnant with me - you can't tell she is pregnant from the picture but the date on the picture confirms it. I had it blown up from the 2x3 and have it hanging on my wall.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Hey xdad I brought my son (then 13.5) to meet his first/birth/bio dad last summer. He was VERY cautious too but there are some pointers that I think really helped my son ... *(or would have if one of his parents would have done them, the other did and it was great for my son)

#1) huge shows of emotion? DISCONCERTING ... try not to sob, cling, throw yourself on the ground etc. A quick hug? COOL, but more than that was just TOOOO much for the kiddo.

#2) express interest in the kiddo. What does she like to do, common interests, maybe share some anecdotal stories of your childhood she might relate to. Whatever you do dont focus exclusively on yourself, how wonderful you are, how much she has missed out on not being with you etc -- you get my drift show an interest in HER

#3) agknowledge her dad. I know this one is probably hard but my son was FAR more receptive to the parent that happily and easily agknowledged that he has another family and thats cool and good. Show respect for her current relationships in little ways - refer to her dad as her dad, ask about the things they do together etc. I know its hard -- but it will help - the more secure she feels that you arent there to undermine her current relationships or make her feel insecure, the better chance you have of securing your own role in her life.

#4) Admit and discuss, apoligize. My son DESPERATELY wanted an explanation as to why he was adopted, what happened to him etc. He needed to hear that it wasnt his fault - that there was nothing wrong wtih HIM. One parent was able to discuss this with him easily -- and he was VERY forgiving, and the other wasnt -- and he isnt nearly as interested in a relationship wtih that parent at all anymore. My son was willing to hear reasons (not excuses) and was understanding -- but he really needed to hear it FROM them, rather than me giving an explanation.

Good luck Its not going to be easy, but I hope its wonderful for you all.

Wow! Great advice. My BDad could have used this advice when he and I reunited. He did everything you just said not to do, and you are so right. Even as a middle-aged adoptee, and not a young teen/adult, this was exactly what I would have wanted our first F to F to be like.

I think this could be beneficial for adoptees and birthparents to keep in mind when reuniting. Too much emotion and trying too hard to be liked, interesting, impress, etc. is very overwhelming for the less emotional party, no matter what the age of those reuniting.

[Jensboys]

Shadow Rider Thanks. My son's father was really wonderful to visit and get to know. He had some DEEP emotion, which was apparent, but he kept the big displays in check which was much nicer for my son. He made a REAL effort to get to know him and not force him into the box of the baby he remembered.

Originally Posted by Xdad

6 days....
Gifts? I don't know.

Xdad -- how about something important to you? A tshirt from your favorite band? A cd of your favorite songs or songs that have reminded you of your daughter? a journal with some questions she could answer? A journal that you have filled up? Photos of her bio relatives on your side? grandparents, cousins, etc?

[manni28]

Jen:

Excellent advice!

-Manni

[sum1son]

Hoping for the best for ya man I think many of us are waiting for this right along beside you! Seems like its the journey >>>---from here and now - till then---<<< (all that waiting) that can be harder than the reunion itself. So take good care o' yerself between now and then man...

[Xdad]

awlrighty gang... tomorrow I fly out. I'll be meeting on sunday. I have decided on a gift. A cactus. I am in arizona, and the one I think I'll give her is the xmas cactus that blooms in the winter....something from our world. I also think of an aloe plant that is growing in my back yard...again, a localized plant , with Healing properties...see, I'm thinking

I spent a few days skateboarding with a friend in town from bali, so he has kept me busy...

I believe this will go.... how it is supposed to go, but I'll fill ya in when I get back!!!!

THANKS TO EVERYONE!!!

[kakuehl]

Breathe, Xdad!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[JustPeachy]

X-Dad, just thinking about you and wishing you all the best for your visit with your daughter! I hope it goes very well (I have a feeling it will!).

Please post the details as soon as you can. I'm on pins and needles here and so excited for you!!!

[dpen6]

Hope thingsare going well for you and your daughter....hope your feelingall the good thoughts being sent your way!

[healingfeeling]

xdad,
i've been following your story and i wanted to wish you luck and much happiness!! i have a very similar story...i stayed with my bmom, she was a teen and after two years my biodad left and joined the navy, i was adopted a few years after that by my step-dad. we are reunited nowm, its been very rocky, but the initial reunion was GREAT as i'm sure yours will be .

take care and enjoy every minute!!!

[txrnr]

Have a great time X-Dad. I'm excited to hear how things go for you.

[lowohms]

xdad, hopefully all is well. Lets us know how it went/ how its going for you. Waiting and hoping all is good for you. Take care my friend.