[sum1son]

Hi! I've posted in the 'making contact; area before, but now seems more appropriate to post here.

I've read many threads that mention how adoptees often 'drop off' from the forums here, after reunion, leaving everyone else to wonder how "things went for so and so" - so here's my update

I was contacted about a month ago by a lady thinking she might be my birth-sister, on facebook. She obtained some info from an old registry entry here at adoption.com

We exchanged emails for about a week, before I felt that I couldn't invest myself any further, emotionally, until I was *sure* I was her brother, given up to adoption 33 years ago. So I suggested a maternal DNA test.

The mother and sister (working together to find me) paid for the DNA test.

The wait for the test results was just horrible. I could think of nothing-else save the results. I deeply hoped for a result that said "Rachel" was "not excluded" as being my mother.

The result from whozethedaddy.com (sp?) was delivered to me over the phone. " 'Rachel' is not excluded as being your biological mother, meaning, Rachel is your mother, Steve, to a certainty of 99.9994% and 15 of 15 genetic identity system checked, match" I -literally- dropped the phone in shock - excitement - and disbelief.

There was a part of me that refused to believe there was any chance that I was this lady's brother and her mom - my bio-mother! I somehow didn't feel "worthy" of this being true.

Now I find myself in the midst of a process of reunion, and am still in shock. My "identity" somehow is in question, to myself, and find that I'm struggling ("fumbling"?) to understand how I'm feeling all the time now.

Don't get me wrong - I'm on Cloud-9 over being found by my birth sister and birth mom. Just confused.

Feeling deeply guilty towards my a-mom and a-dad, for having pursued this, despite how supportive they are being.

A part of me feels that the happier I am about this reunion, the guiltier I feel.

And I *know* that I'm very happy. (Both myself and sister are gay! Someone who I can relate to on different, profound levels) I've met my birth mom "Rachel" twice, and have spoke on the phone a few times for protracted periods - and met my birth sis twice as well (and chat online frequently).

Now I find myself invited to a big dinner being thrown on saturday, between canadian thanksgiving, and my birthday (one day in between this year). I well-up just thinking about this happening.

I don't know if my birth mom realizes how much this means to me. Or maybe she does, but I'm scared to think that maybe she thinks like I do There are people traveling to come to this dinner, and I guess I'm a bit worried I'll disappoint people.

I'm very shy. Compared to my b-sister and b-mom I seem all that much more shy and introverted :-O My little 5 year old bio bro seems very much like me, tho -- shy, self-conscious, quiet.... being so shy makes the reunion process more difficult, but I doubt, impossible

I feel a connection to the family that I can't explain. I could pick them all out of a crowd, but not understand why I could.

I'm trying to deal with the fact that my bio-dad is dead, and died young. But I don't know how to tell my bio-mom how much I feel his loss, and how much I want to know all about him, and his brother and sister (my aunt and uncle). They were not in a relationship when I was conceived, and never got into a relationship together. Nor did he ever know about my birth. So I'm finding it hard to ask all the questions I have about him.

Anyway, if you read this far, thanks I guess, like other adoptees, I just needed to vent some of this stuff out to others who might understand what I'm going thru.

A HAPPILY, albeit confused, reunited, "given up to adoption" son.

[txrnr]

Today marks my one month in reunion too. I am so glad yours is going well! The emotions are strange, aren't they?
Mine has gone better than I have ever expected, and for some strange reason yesterday I had one of those days where I have no idea where any of the emotions came from. Weird!

[Dickons]

I think a lot of the emotions come from growing up knowing you will never know who your parents are, making peace with that even though you don't realize that, and then having what you thought for the however many decades old you are blown out of the water...somehow it seems like it would be easier if you always knew you would know them someday.

Then you have reunion guilt because of how much you love your family...no idea why when they want what's best for you, always have told you they would want to know if they were in your shoes, you haven't left them - nor do you intend to leave them...it just is a condundrum with no valid reason to feel that way, it just is what it is.

And finally, you want to know everything but questions you have cannot be put into words because words are too simplistic to cover what you need to know. Add to that you recognise the loss of time that you can never get back and that some of the bonds you seek cannot be because you were not part of your family from infancy to now...

Its surely a winding, rough, bumpy ride. You can make it through the next couple of days and then must promise yourself that you will force yourself to go through that door and go to your party...once you are there I can promise you from personal experience that the fears melt away as soon as you walk through the door. I am so very shy and quiet and I did it and wow, it was incredible...but mine was only extended relatives but you can do it, I know you can.

Pretty cool on the dna test...without a shadow of doubt you are reunited!

Kind regards,
Dickons

P.s. don't forget to check back in here on your birthday next week and tell us how it went. Oh and don't be like me and forget to take your camera.

[sum1son]

Thanks Dickons and TX!

TX -- awesome to hear that your reunion is going well too!! I also know whatcha mean about having 'those days' where emotions come flooding in.

Dickons: So cool to hear your insights! Like you crawled up into my brain

I'm just building up my courage now for this dinner thing on saturday yikes! -- or rather, the courage to get myself to the dinner thing

[Dickons]

Feel free to log on Saturday morning and talk to me...I am usually on by 9 am your time (I'm in BC)...

You can do it, You can do it, You can do it....

Take care,
Dickons

[Dickons]

Just wanted to add...I found a really nice vase and filled it with flowers from my garden - gave me something to focus on/get over the initial nervousness of the first few minutes as it took the focus away from me and moved it to the flowers...

I do realize it is too late for flowers from your garden (if you even have one) but what about a beautiful plant like a Japanese peace lilly in bloom, florist flowers - sun flowers would be great, live orchid? Just something to take the drama out of the first few minutes and thanking the hostess for all the work?

Cheers,
Dickons

[txrnr]

Great idea Dickons!

I'm also looking forward to hearing about your f2f if you care to share! Have a fantastic time!!

[sum1son]

Thanks for all the support and advice!!

Like you said Dickons, after I actually got thru the door and settled into conversation with everyone, things seemed so... natural!!

I'm thrilled that I got a chance to spend some time with my little biobro too. He really brings out a little kid in me Spent a good chunk of time playing with him and his star wars toys Was priceless bonding-time, and he was proclaiming at the dinner table how much fun he was having hehe He made me a birthday card, and a t-shirt he decorated himself .... all really cute.

So I gleaned some more details about my (deceased) father, listening to my bmom and her best friend chat at supper. Pieces of info that probably seem trivial to most people, but that combined help me paint a better picture of what he was like.

Her friend told me how often she used to talk and wonder about me after I was given-over to adoption. And how excited she was when she called her to tell her that she'd found me

Ahhhh this dinner is going to have me digesting-thoughts and feelings for months -- Next meeting idea is a fall BBQ at my cottage!

Thankyouthankyouthankyou for all your support and friendly shoulders to lean on!

[txrnr]

I am so happy for you!!!

[Dickons]

I am so glad it went well...plus the fact that you have a little brother! Did you remember your camera? So glad your bmother had her friend there - she would have been just as anxious or more than you, I am sure.

Cottage bbq sounds perfect...

If I remember correctly you have a sister - did you meet her?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[sum1son]

Yep sister was there too with her partner as well