[my2sons]

I just found my son after 16 yrs. He is now 21 and stirring up a lot of trouble. If i had known what I would go through with this reunion I would not have looked so hard. Dont get me wrong I love my son dearly, but he needs help that hes not open to receiving. He is a sex addict, druggie, and an alcoholic. Then his adopted mother is jealous because he is with me again. She doesnt consider me as his mom. I am willing to share my son with her, I just wish she felt the same. She claims to be a christian, but that is not the christian way. My son was beaten at the hands of her husband. Please does someone have some helpful advice. Im a mother on a mission to save her son.

[D28Bob]

Don't feel like he is hopeless. MANY of us adoptees had had periods of antisocial rebellion, far more than our share of the population at large.

I'm not going to be tactful or polite here, just brutally honest. Without knowing the details of your son's situation, it appears his adoptive parents had some issues. As probably you had as well.

If he is 21 and you found him after 16 years, was he 5 when you surrendered him? Who parented him his first years?

The point being, regardless of whether you raised him his first years, or his adoptive parents, or foster parents, or an orphanage - he has had trauma in his emotional attachments. This was not necessarily his fault but rather those who were supposed to care for him.

I spent my first year in an orphanage, then was raised by a wonderful, loving couple. But I was frequently in trouble, drank, did drugs, spent several weekends in jail by the time I was 21. Eventually I outgrew most of my rebellious phase, so there is hope for your son.

Your son's situation is similar to that of a stepchild; part of him came from you, part came from those who raised him. Society acknowledges that children of divorce often have social adjustment problems; it's time society realized that the same issues are present even in what most people assume is the "win/win" of adoption.

My advice for you is to try to build bridges of communication and respect between you and his adoptive parents. It's not a contest between who loves him the most, or even who he loves the most. It's putting his welfare first, and presenting a united approach of all caring for his best interests. When divorced parents disagree and the child is pulled back and forth between them, the child is the loser. Don't put him in that position!

[bakerjw]

A-men to that.

Not all adoptees were placed immediately after birth. Some weren't adopted until they were older and some were with their birth mothers long enough to become bonded to them. I think that those in that situation tend to have more issues than those placed soon after birth and it is something that both sets of parents need to be aware.

I am not sure where you have gotten your information about your sons activities. but everyones perceptions are different so some of it may have to be taken with a grain of salt. Two people can look at the same situation and develop completely different opinions of what is happening. I've known people that see someone drink a beer and feel that they should go into rehab. My adopted mom thought that anyone who ever smoked pot was an addict for life and would take the first opportunity available to rob and murder people. So there is a pretty big sliding scale to take into account.

He's 21 and a bit on the wild side. Hopefully things will settle down but that's part of being a parent.

[my2sons]

I parented my son from birth to 5 yrs. I did not surrender him he was removed from me. I have been given the information from him. I dont know if he is angry at me or at the situation but I have sat him down and explained the whole situation to him..... I just hope as he matures he can find himself. I realize he is making a huge adjustment, but so am I and my older son. We love him to death and would do anything for him but he has to be willing to want help. Thanks for your input, it is greatly appreciated

[D28Bob]

It would be normal for any 21 year old to have some anger issues, and in this case it is likely his anger is at the situation as much as anything.

There is a profound statement in the opening of Nancy Verrier's book The Primal Wound which says, "just because we gave (her adopted daughter) all our unconditional love did NOT mean she could accept it." When I read that, it explained a lot. People such as adoptees who have lost a primary caregiver have a tremendous fear of trusting anyone again.

Two years with a family counselor has helped me; I only wish I had started sooner.

As for your son's adopted father, he should have been turned in to authorities for child abuse. Parenting can be frustrating but there is never an excuse for beating a child or spouse.