[Nancydrew811]

So, I paid my state's fee (nearly $500, which I most certainly DO NOT have to spare) to hire a confidential intermediary to find my birth mother. The CI found her, sent her a letter, and she replied that she does not want contact.

I have no living maternal grandparents (and I know they were young when I was born, so they wouldn't be super old right now) and I have 7 maternal aunts and uncles. I have the option of closing my case or searching my aunts and uncles to see if any of them will talk to me or share a family medical history. I think I will have to pay an additional fee for each person I attempt to contact. I don't have the money for it, so I was just going to close my case but the CI said I should think about it before making that decision.

I am sort of at peace with closing the case, I mean, it has been my lifelong dream to meet my birthmother but I guess that isn't going to happen and there isn't anything I can do to change that. I'll have to deal with that somehow or another. But I feel like I deserve to know my family's medical history, and I don't understand how a person can deny anyone their family medical history. So I wonder if I should try the aunts and uncles or just let it go. I'd hate to contact one of them and discover that they never knew about me, and stir up some drama or something.

I don't even know if this belongs in this forum, or what kind of advice or reply I am looking for. But anything would be helpful right now. Thanks.

[SoniaRose]

Oh, I am so sorry that your bmom refused contact -- so sad for both of you...

Has the CI asked her if she might be willing to provide an up to date medical history for your benefit ? I would think that even if she doesn't want contact, she should answer specific questions and give you her family medical information. Would the CI be willing to contact her a second time (since you already paid him/her $500)?

I wouldn't close the case just yet -- how much would it cost to try to contact an aunt or uncle? You might just find someone willing to tell you about your birth family or show you some pictures. I presume you have no names, or you could just search on your own. I feel bad that you are held hostage by the CI.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd be so mad that I would probably want to stir up some drama or trouble!

[annierose]

Just because biomom does'nt want contact right now, does'nt mean she won't ever. She may need time to prepare, tell any sibs you may have, she may have said "no" in this moment, but may yet decide she wants to meet later. Don't completly write it off just yet, or ever for that matter. Being rejected is devastating, but sometimes not perminate. People need time, sometimes years to prepare for contact. I would most definately ask if you can get medical info.

[SoniaRose]

Annierose makes a good point -- your bmom may change her mind. Perhaps she was just startled and afraid when she was first notified. She might be scared because she never told her current husband or ??? But, for example, if her husband passes on or if they get divorced, she might feel free to try to contact you at that time...

What I would do is submit your birth information to all the adoption registries (including the one on this site) -- so if she decides later on to look for you, she can find you.

I don't know how a CI works, but can you ask if he would ever forward a letter from you to your bmom. You could write a really sweet letter telling her that you understand her need for privacy, but that you will always be available if she ever wants to get to know you sometime in the future -- you could tell her what a great life you've had, etc., and enclose a few pictures. Even if she never responds, I think you would feel better having "the last word". I think I would be especially annoyed if someone turned me down if I never had a chance to present myself.

I would keep the case open as long as you can without paying an additional ton of money. Best of wishes.

[kakuehl]

I agree about asking for medical info, especially since, as you say, her parents apparently died at an early age. As a bmom myself I can't comprehend not wanting to meet the child I placed, but I know everyone is different. I'm glad you are feeling at peace (sort of). The most helpful question is "what now?" as you move forward.

[Nancydrew811]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies.

I think the CI said I have until November to decide about closing my case, so that's not a whole lot of time for her to change her mind. I will ask if it can be left open so I can be contacted if she changes her mind, and I will ask what happens if she changes her mind and it is closed. I also will ask about the medical info and sending a letter. I don't think I can send her a letter if she has refused contact, but I guess it can't hurt to ask.

I've put myself on so many registries over the last 15 years, just hoping she would find me that way. I am probably registered multiple times on each one because I have changed email addresses so many times, and I can't always figure out how to update info.

Hopefully she changes her mind one day. At the very least I hope she decides to share the medical info. Just for once I'd like to be able to fill out that portion of the paperwork when seeing a new doctor, and I'd like to know whether to take preventative measures for any possible genetic health issues (getting mammograms earlier if there is a history of breast cancer, changing my diet if there is a history of heart disease, etc.).

Thanks again everyone. I'm surprised at how non-angry I am about this. Maybe I'm in denial or something.

[loveajax]

Aw, nancydrew (I read all the books!), I am so sorry for this response from your bmom. You deserve to know your health history, so do whatever it takes to get it. As the wife and mom of adoptees who are both "secrets," I am so sorry for this cr.ap you do not deserve. Hang in there!

[bakerjw]

+1000 to not giving up hope. I was very outraged when my birth mom attempted contact with me back in 2000. It came as such a shock that I didn't know how to handle the information or myself. My adopted moms response didn't help much either btw.

Contact didn't become important until last year after my adopted mom passed away. For some reason it is now important, so attitudes change and for a birth mother I would expect them to change quicker since they were such an integral part of bringing us into the world.

I'd ask about forwarding a letter as recommended. If you're seen as a real living person and not some invisible individual masked by the CI process it may do some good to pique her interest enough to opening up eventually.

Hang in there.

[nelsonha5]

I agree with the other's, maybe she needs time. She may feel shame, guilt, etc., but I know that this is a second rejection for you, tearing your heart out. I know you must have a longing to know. Maybe you can give yourself some time and then possibly search for the other relatives...I'll bet there are many mothers on here that would love to hear from you...good luck to you

[D28Bob]

Nancy, I had much the same response. I found my birthmom without a CI but she has refused contact thus far, and my BF is being screened from me by his wife.

So I decided I had hidden in the shadows long enough. I started contacting other bfamily members (cousins, siblings, etc.) The responses vary, but I decided to get over my guilt for being born. If my bio families can't acknowledge me, it's THEIR problem, not mine for being afraid of upsetting someone. They had 60 years to keep their secret - but I was not consulted in the matter. If they are embarrassed now that I've surfaced, NOT my problem.

I still want my medical history for my own sake and that of my children - my bfather has just had his third stroke, and I think I deserve to know more. Likewise two sisters and several uncles died of cancer; I will keep bugging my bparents until I get some answers.

I played the "good adoptee" for many, many years. Now I've decided to be firm about asking for my birthright. Took me a couple of years to get to this point, but I will NOT go slinking back into the darkness...

Good luck on whatever you decide. Just don't let fear of rejection or shame for something YOU had no part in keep you from standing up for what every non-adopted person has.

[Nancydrew811]

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the support and advice given. It means so much to me.

I talked to my CI again today. I asked about getting medical info, and she said she wasn't sure whether she could contact my birthmom again to seek medical info. She said, once again, she couldn't completely confirm it was my birthmom who replied to the letter, but given the postmark she was fairly certain. She is talking to her supervisor on Wed and will get back to me about the medical info. If she says no, I will consider searching for the aunts and uncles. I need to know how much it costs, because that is definitely an issue.

I asked what would happen if she changed her mind about contacting me, and she said that the letter contained info on the registry for our state and my CI's contact info, so she would likely be able to contact me. So that's good.

So I am waiting to hear what my CI says about the medical info (I'm assuming she says no, just because). I'll think about contacting the aunts and uncles. I will likely feel ready for that at some point, not sure if now is the time.

Thank you all again so much for your support in this.

[ProudMommyof3]

I don't know very much about a CI. Do you have the name of your bmother or ANY of the relatives? Could you possibly search yourself or have someone to help you? I definetly would think about contacting one of the other family members. If they accept you and want to have contact with you, then in the future hopefully your bmother would reconsider. I do think it is your RIGHT for that medical information. Would the CI let you write a letter to your bmother and the CI send it? That may help....

[SoniaRose]

I don't understand why the CI can't be absolutely sure it was your bmom who replied to the letter. I would think that it would be their responsibility to verify it was her -- did she sign the letter?

I didn't find my bfamily through the adoption agency that placed me, but I know they required notarized signatures on all forms (mutual consent forms, etc.)

Gosh, it must be so frustrating to be at the mercy of a CI. I really don't have any advice other than to just hang in there. Try the aunt/uncle connection if it's not too costly.

Best of wishes to you.
P.S. I read all the Nancy Drew books also.

[Niki_T00]

Hi I've been looking for my daughter off and on for years and I truly don't get how a mother wouldnt want to know her child. If she had no choice but to put you up for adoption then ok, but I think she owes you to tell you that and to give you the medical info you seek. Personally my daughter was stolen from me and put up for an illegal adoption, and I would give just about anything to find her and know her. Only you can decide whether to push on for the info or walk away, but I sure wouldnt concern myself with whether they knew about your birth or not for your mother's benefit if she can be so cold. If thats who she is, Me personally, I wouldn't care to have a relationship with her, but also maybe what the other person said is true also, maybe she just needs a little time if she is feeling guilty or whatever. Anyhow I wish you the very best in whatever you decide, but whatever that choice is, do it for yourself.

[Niki_T00]

wow thats just wrong, husband or not, that should not be an exceptable reason for her to not want contact from her daughter. A marriage based on lies is not a good one, and honestly, there is no good reason to say no contact unless she is just not a maternal person to begin with as my biological mother was. And in that case you'd be better off but I would still request the medical info and pass a message that at this point thats all you want unless she later chooses to contact you later. Oh and as far as aunts and uncles, if you can get in touch by mail with them and just drop them a line telling them who you are and that you would like to know them, they may surprise you and want to. Just because your mother chooses not to right now, shouldnt mean you aren't entitled to try getting to know the rest of your family if possible. It may also ease the way for you and your mother to become aquainted.