[luv2tch]

I am so excited that I came across this site yesterday. I would like to share my story and hopefully get some insight from others. I am a 43 year old adoptee who has NEVER entertained the idea of a search when growing up. I always felt special that I was adopted and never felt like I needed to find missing pieces. Then in 2001 I had a medical scare and started to get angry that I didn't know any medical history. Then last November, I had this urgent feeling that I needed medical history, if not for me, then for my children. I had this fear that they would need something from a birth relative and I didn't want to wait to find them. I shocked myself by this feeling and I couldn't understand it. So, I contacted an intermediary and she found my bmom within hours. She wanted to send her a letter saying that someone was looking for her and to call her. I told her to hold off on that and that's when my life was turned upside down. It took me a long time to get up the courage to have her send the letter. I was so afraid of disrupting her life and what I would do to my parents. I talked with them and they agreed that I needed the medical stuff so I told her to go ahead and send the letter. My bmom called her right away and said she would love to meet me. Something inside of me started to change and for the first time in my life, I was curious. After a few months, we met. I have a half sister who is an only child. We all got along great, my sister and I are great friends, my husband and I have gone to visit her in another state a couple of times and had a great time. Here's the problem. I feel so guilty for having searched at all. My parents say they are supportive, but I can tell that I upset them very much and this kills me inside. I feel like I betrayed them in the worse way that a child can. If I had it to do over again, I would never have done it. Even though I have a great new friend, I can't get past hurting my parents. Nothing I could ever do or say can undo the pain that they must be going through. In May, my bmom was diagnosed with cancer and given a year to live. My bsister is planning to move here to be closer to me and to take care of her mom. This has me overwhelmed and I don't know why. Like I said, she is a great friend. She also asked me to be in her wedding and I said yes even though I don't want to be. Once again, this should be exciting but it is upsetting to me. Another problem is that in two weeks, my bmom and bsister are planning a party so that all of the extended family can meet me. They just recently found out that I existed and are really excited to meet me. I do NOT want to be a part of this but would never say so. I don't want the family to look at me like I am a "searcher." Does that make sense? I have nothing against people that feel the need to search, it's just that I never did, so I don't want them to think that I did. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I feel like these emotions consume my life and I'm tired of it taking up so much of my energy. I guess what it all boils down to is that I only wanted medical info. which my parents were fine with, but I took it too far and now I have a hard time dealing with the consequences. Yes, I have a wonderful relationship with my bmom and bsister but the hurt and betrayal that I put on my parents was too high a price to pay. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I try to talk to my husband about it but I think that unless you are a part of the triad, it is hard to understand. Thank you for your time, sorry it was so long.

[St3v3n]

Since you're feeling guilt over how you're making your parents feel, I think the thing you need to do is talk to them about it. Sit down with them (if you live close to them) and explain that all you were looking for initially was medical history, but it has turned into something more, but that your relationship with your birth family is completely separate from your relationship with them. They are your parents, and nothing can change that. Try to help them understand that this is how you truly feel (which I can tell from you message you do), and that your bmom will never replace them in any way. It's a very different type of relationship. Perhaps use the analogy that when you got married, your in-laws became part of your family without altering or reducing your relationship with your parents, because they have a different place in your life. This situation is very similar.

As for saying you don't want to be in your bsister's wedding, it sounds to me like you really would like to, but just don't want the guilt associated with it. Same with the party. Regardless of what you were searching for, you found what you found, and it's great that you have a good relationship with them. Don't let that be ruined because you're afraid your parents might get upset. Lots of open communication is key here, both to reassure them that they're not losing you and to reassure yourself that they are OK with it.

Good luck!

[loveajax]

Luv, you are going thru a lot!!

My husband and his two sibs are adopted. My hubby has had email communication with his birth mom (but no more, her choice for now). But my SIL had sort of an "intense" full blown reunion with her birth mom and half birth sister. It sort of "rocked" the family a bit, but my inlaws were always supportive.

Anyway, shortly thereafter, her birth mom died of brain cancer. My SIL really doesn't see her birth sister anymore (she says they really do not have much in common).

Have your a parents met your birth family? My MIL says she really enjoyed meeting SIL's birth mom, because it really helped her to know/understand SIL more. Sometimes I see my MIL saying things like, "Oh, when you found your 'real' mom.." And SIL will always correct her and say, "No, mom, you are my real mom." It shouldn't have to be that way, but I think if you feel that your parents have any insecurities, you should sit down and just tell them your honest to gosh feelings. Sure, maybe they are "hurt," but that has nothing to do with YOU. You sound like a great dd, and they may just need a little "reassurance."

As for the things you want to do or not do with your birth family, step back and take your a parents' reactions out of the picture. If YOU really want to do them, then do. Do not feel guilty! Also, if you do need space from your birth family for a bit, don't feel guilty about that either. (I also have an adopted DD and I hate the thought of her feeling torn like this...).

I am sorry to hear about your birth mom's diagnosis. Hang in there.

[bakerjw]

There is no need to feel guilty. Some adoptees feel a need to connect to their biological family from an early age, others do later in life, and some feel no need at all. We are all over the spectrum where that is concerned.

Sometimes we get close to the point of getting information and decide to look a bit deeper to see what is there. You did and found your birth family and have a good relationship with them. Whether your adoptive parents are ok with that or not shouldn't matter. Their feelings may be hurt or they may feel betrayed but at some point it has to be about you and your needs and we all have needs, physical, spiritual, and emotional.

When you were adopted, you had no say in the matter. Decisions were made for you by your birth mother and your adopted parents. Now is when you get to have a say in what happens. I am sure that it's tough to go through but I look at the countless stories on here of failed reunions, the finding of dead birth parents, etc... and I advise to not live with regrets.

If your birth mother and sister are people that you would have in your life, even were they not biologically related, then don't give up on them because you feel guilty. Take the time that you have with your birth mother. some don't get it.

But don't feel guilty because you found something that you didn't think that you needed.

[imprttuner2]

Wow... I'm sorry. Communication is the key. Talk to your parents and tell them how you feel about them. Unless I'm reading it really wrong you care alot for your parents and I think that you should sit down with them and tell them how you feel. It'd probably make both of you feel alot better. Who know's... once you get it all out there with you're family maybe your relationship with your biological family may become a bit less stressful.

[kakuehl]

If your bmom wants to have a party to "introduce" you, it's not because you are the searcher, but because she is no longer keeping you a secret but is rejoicing that you are in her life.

Your parents are your parents... that hasn't changed. Continue to let them know how special they have always made you feel. I think it's often scary for aparents who are afraid you will not "need" them anymore. When they find that you've expanded your family and not substituted one for the other, I think they will relax. My bson has made it clear that while I am now part of his life as are his half-siblings, his mom and dad are the ones who raised him and loved him since he was 3 weeks old. (I wouldn't have it any other way.) At the same time, I haven't had a big party to welcome him to the extended family. They know he is in my life and would like to meet him, but that will take place in his time!

[luv2tch]

Thank you all so much for your posts! It really helps to listen to what everyone has to say. I have tried to reassure my parents that they could never be replaced and they seem to tell me what I want to hear, but I can tell in their voices and by comments that they make, that they are feeling threatened. My mom said she was prepared for this when I was 18, not 43. She also has no interest in meeting my bmom or bsister. In fact, she said a fear of hers is coming over to my house and seeing them here. I send them "feel good" cards, nice emails, etc. to try to help them but I don't know what else to do. They live nearby and we see each other a couple of times a week so I try to make sure that I keep things the same as before. The problem is that when I first found my bmom, I told myself that I deserved to be happy and put myself first for once, and that my parents would have to accept it. Now though, I feel like I did before the search, that I have no right to hurt the people who mean the most to me. I never imagined it would be this hard! Anyway, thank you all sooo much for your time and patience!

[loveajax]

Oh, Luv, I think that is so unfair that your a mom is putting you in this position. Why the heck wouldn't she want to meet your birth family? Honestly, this is HER issue, not yours and you shouldn't be so torn up like this.

[crick]

This is all pretty new to your parents too, and like you, they have all sorts of feelings going on. Sounds like they are trying to work through those and trying to support you but not quite getting there just yet.

Give them some time...

In the meantime, do what feels good for you on the reunion front. If your parents aren't interested now in meeting everyone, then that's their choice and right. Just like it's your right to develop the relationship you want with your bfamily. There's no need to feel guilty.

[kakuehl]

I can only tell you what my bson did/does: he invites all of us to birthday gatherings; Christmas gatherings, etc. It's up to us if we want to show up! His dad has been very open; it's been harder on his mom. It's been four years now and it's gotten easier for her, I think. (Of course, for the birthday parties, D invites a number of their friends and we, the older generation, spend more time together than we might otherwise.) Again, both D and I have made it clear that there is no way I can replace her (nor do I want to). I sent her a Mother's Day card expressing my appreciation for the fact that she is his mother and has been all his life. I wanted him to have to parents who loved him and were ready to parent him. They fulfilled my wish for my firstborn.

I hope your parents will reach the point that they are ready to meet your bfamily. It can enrich all your lives.

[snuffie]

I am so happy for your reunion with your bfamily. I am reunited with my birth siblings and it so wonderful to be a part of the family. That doesn't mean I'm not a part of my adoptive family any longer. It just means that we all have a lot more people to love.

My aparents knew I was searching. They didn't understand and I think that was because back when I was adopted my parents were told that it was a done deal. It was supposed to be as though I was born to them. But...there is more to it then that. There is medical history, there are genetics. Have you tried telling your aparents your reasons for searching? There really seems to be fear in your aparents - if they meet you bfamily - what do they think will happen? I know for a certainty that had my aparents been alive when my search ended they would have welcomed and loved my bfamily too.

I really don't believe that you have anything to be guilty about. But there is a lot to be thankful for. A fantastic reunion, a sister who loves you. And it is your aparents issue if they don't want to face this.

[luv2tch]

So...here is an update. I went to the reunion and it went well, my bsister asked me to not just be in her wedding but to be her matron of honor, and she moved to my state last week to be closer to my family and to take care of her mom. The problem? I regret with all my heart that I searched in the first place. Yes, I have a wonderful new sister but I still can't get over the guilt of what I did to my parents. They seem fine with it and they even met my sister and said that it would be ok if she were around. Why then do I hate myself for betraying them? This still consumes so much of my life, all I want to do is cry when I think of it. It seems so black and white to me-good daughter respects her parents and doesn't search, bad daughter betrays her parents in the worse possible way and searches. I would give anything at all to go back to a year ago and never get more than medical history. With my bsister being closer I will be seeing my bmom more and that thought makes me ill. She is a great person and we get along very well, but every time I see her I feel like it is another slap in my parent's face and what did they ever do to deserve it? They could not have given me a better life so why did I do this to them? Sorry that I keep rambling on and on, I just don't know how to make this ok with myself. Any ideas or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I can't just think of the positives and get on with things and I can't turn back time so how do I move on?

[kakuehl]

I once learned a song called "the Magic Penny" - in part the words are "love is like a magic penny, hold it tight and you won't have any. Lend it, spend it and you'll have so many, they'll roll right out the door." In other words: love isn't like a pie - cut it into so many pieces and it's gone, or if I give you a big piece of pie, I only have a little piece left for your sister...

Do you love your parents any less for finding your bmom and bsister? It doesn't sound like it. You have not betrayed your parents by searchng, you've expanded your family. You apparently have more than one child. Do you love the oldest one less because you had another child? I hope you can believe you were not a bad daughter for seeking your genetic family: you were finding out more about yourself!

In my own case, I will never be the mother who raised D. That is not my place in his life. He has become part of my family: he has not stopped being part of his own family. I love him dearly, but I will never take the place of his mother. (I have to admit that it has been a joy to get to know him as an adult... he doesn't have the teenage baggage my raised children seem to carry with them (at least my son does so.)

Allow yourself to love your parents and care about your bfamily as well. They aren't exclusive!

[Dickons]

Being an adoptee is tough, we are the link to two families, we cannot change that fact, it is who we are.

And many of us are 'the pleasers', I don't think we were wired that way to start with but because of the circumstances in how we joined our familiy we are that way now. We can guilt oursevles so much better than the average joe who just gets to grow up in the family he was born into. We can convince ourselves that when someone is sad or upset it is our fault, if we had just been nicer, arrived earlier to help out, had steered the conversation away from a contentious topic, gotten better grades, worked harder, been nicer, more empathic...then everyone would be happy. And we are wrong. People choose how they react, it has nothing to do with us, it is them and the choices they make. How to get us to believe that? Haven't figured that out yet but will continue trying.

We cannot control how others view the world. We can control how we react and how we act. Be the same person you were before you met your birth family, you have not been disloyal. Finding your roots for whatever reason was not the wrong thing to do.

Seek counseling, talk to your pastor, find a mentor. Believe what they tell you.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[zxczxcasdasd]

I just wanted to talk to you as an adoptive mom whose son has reunited with his birth mother and 2 siblings through her.

Yes, it was a hard thing for me to go through and there were many times I was scared or hurt, lots of tears and anxiety at different points. But in retrospect, I am so glad that he did, for him and for me.

In reunion, at least in mine, the surface issue is the new relationship with the birth family and how that may or may not affect the relationship with us. But the underlying issue is deeper- that there IS a birth family that is outside of our nuclear family but includes our kid; that I did not give birth to J and he doesn't have my genetics or grow inside me and that's something I can never have and never change. Before reunion those are factual realities we always keep in mind, but during it, they become emotional realities and for me that was the difficulty of the process-- truly facing and dealing with those facts I had accepted in my head but not in my heart, and dealing with what those realities- ours and theirs- existing concurrently in his life would mean for all of us.

Let me reiterate that I am glad he did it. I am SO much more at peace with things and secure as his mother after his reunion than I was before. Why?

Now I KNOW instead of just hoping, that his relationship with his birth family in no way impacts negatively his relationship with us. If anything, he is more affectionate and attentive than he was before. Sounds like the same is true for you.

Now I KNOW, instead of wondering, that my being his mother is not dependent on the absence of his birth mother. I still am his mother because I still am, always was and always will be and that reality is not affected by or dependent on anything except me continuing to mother him or failing to. No one else can affect that.

Now he KNOWS, instead of wondering, why he was raised with whom and how he was.

I was able to give him the best gift a parent can, which is the freedom to live his own life and choose his own relationships without fearing loss of our love and support, which is a gift to both of us. I feel more his mother because I am able to do this.

Is it possible at all to think of the things I've listed above as gifts that you are giving your parents through this process, even though it may be painful and confusing on the way, that the destination, for both you and them, may be worth the journey?