[snuffie]

I was okay with being a medical "blank slate" for most of my life. But in the past few years I have had a number of very serious, life-threatening illnesses. Recently I have been having some very disturbing symptoms which have puzzled the docs and have sent me to the hospital.

I know my medical history on my bmom's side but my bdad eludes me. The man who I think is my bdad is very elderly although when he sent his last letter (telling me he isn't my bdad) a few years ago he was very lucid. I know he has been married for many years and doesn't want his life disrupted and I understand that especially at his age. But...I also need to know if I should be aware of something "lurking" in my background - something that would be helpful not only to my doctors but also for my children and grandchild. One of the other big issues is that I'm not absolutely certain this man is my bdad. There are several reasons (besides what my heart tells me) to believe that he is but what if he isn't and I ruin his life at this stage of the game?

Any thoughts would be very welcome!

Snuffie

[DianeS]

I'm curious - if he is NOT your bdad, what about contacting him again would ruin his life? I can imagine a very weird and awkward 10 minutes, but ruin his life?

Now if he is your bdad, and knows it, and never told anyone - I can see how that would cause problems, like if he lied to his wife about having children before they were together. And if he is your bdad, and didn't know it but you can prove it, then that would result in some very awkward emotions.

But can you explain how this is bad if he isn't your bdad? I've heard several people say things like this, and I'd like to know what I'm missing.

(And I wish you luck in finding answers to your medical issues.)

[RavenSong]

Oh, Snuffie, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having health problems. My take on the situation is this... You have an obligation to your children and grandchildren to try to obtain your birthfather's medical history, and hopefully the medical history of his parents and siblings. I think they have an absolute right to that type of knowledge, and so do you. Sure, it might make your bdad angry, but when it comes to medical stuff, I think it's his moral responsibility to provide that for you and future generations.

I hope your doctors can figure out what's going on with you. Would it help to get a consult or second opinion through a teaching hospital? University medical centers often do a better job of diagnosing the tricky stuff, simply because they see more cases of unusual diseases on a daily basis.

[snuffie]

Thanks Raven. I have been thinking of getting second opinions although they would be more like 3rd or 4th at this point.

DianeS. I guess I've always been concerned about others feelings and I know that when I contacted this man previously, he was okay with telling me about his life but when I approached the subject of my paternity - he became very upset. He seemed very conscientious and wanting to do the right thing but did not want to believe that he could be my bdad. If he truly isn't, and I approach the subject with him, even the possibility may be enough to upset him and his wife even though I was born many years before he married her. I know from having elderly parents, that even little things were upsetting to them. And I don't think this can be catagorized as a little thing.

Anyway that is just my "take" on it.

Snuffie

[Dickons]

Snuffie,

Could you simply write a letter to him telling him your recent health issues and that you hope he will agree to a dna test so that you can rule him in or out for the sake of your health? Include that you need to search if he isn't and does he have any ideas on who it could be?

There are so many of us that have medical issues that confound our doctors - too bad the medical community cannot see the bigger picture and speak out...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[snuffie]

Hi Dickens
Yes, I could write a letter to him. In fact, I spent a while yesterday trying to compose one. Its just difficult. I know that his wife has been having health problems and from my own adoptive parents (before they passed away) I know that when one was ill, the other didn't do very well.

He did tell me about another man when I had previous contact with him and I did contact him. He never responded and he is just as elderly and also lives many states away. I haven't been able to find a photo of him. I do, however, have a few photos of the man I have had contact with and my youngest looks nearly exactly like him.

This is all so hard!

Snuffie

[kmcrab]

I too am so sorry about your health issues.

You described this man, to my eyes as a caring person. I am not sure how elderly he is, but do you think he would consent to a dna if it was done in secret from his wife/family?

He might not even be aware that you can just do a cheek swab and be done with it.

I am more of a calling person rather than a letter writer in our situation because I always wonder who else would see the letter, especially children of ill/elderly parents.

I hope you can find a way to solve this mystery...It just is not fair that in today's society that if a woman even suggests that a man could be the father, the court orders a paternity for money to be paid to the woman, and the father still does not have to provede medical, but we as adoptees have no rights in that regard for medical history and no money.

Best Wishes,
KM