[inked_hippie]

So I contacted Catholic Charities and they sent me my non-id info, which I actually already saw when I was 18. My mother showed it to me when she thought it was time. I contacted the person at CC who sent the info and was informed that my birthmom actually contacted CC and updated her contact info within the last month! So all I need to do is receive, sign and send back a consent form and if my birthmom signs it and sends it back, we'll be connected. Honestly, that could be within 6 weeks.

Here's my issue: I JUST started searching. Literally, MAYBE a month ago. I was preparing for a long search, have some time to figure everything out and how I wanted to handle everything. Now I'm freaking out because it's literally right around the corner.

I have no idea what to say, how to open a conversation, what to talk about and I still haven't really decided if I even want to meet her. I still have built up resentment towards her keeping my older brother and younger sister. Any stories or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks everyone!

[dpen6]

WOW! That is fast ins't it!

I understand your fear, I understand your confusion. But my motto for everything is one days at a time.

One concern at a time. You have about 6 weeks to figure out how much contact you want to start.. You can communicate through e-mail first and as you feel more comfortable go to phone calls. So the communication peice can go as slow as you want it. You could tell her to start what ever it is you want to know...medical? heritage? .

As far as feeling resentment about you being placed and not your sibs...you need to find out why first. There may have been some valid reasons for her AT THAT TIME to feel she needed to do what she did. Its easy to look back and judge but at that time she may have felt it was all she could do.

Reunion really is a rollar coster and in the meantime read every thing you can on it.

Youy do need to be true to yourself and your needs but at the same time being honest with bmom when and if the time comes. If you are not ready for real contact...its ok...its very normal and its not selfish...But its only fair to bmom to let her know that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[kakuehl]

The first thing we all say (and often fail to do) is take it slowly. Your bmom may be as unprepared as you are to take the next step. I found my bson within 5 minutes of registering on here - I did not expect to find him so easily. In a way, maybe it was easier for me, because I'd always believed I was open to whatever he wanted so I didn't have to decide what I wanted!

Again, even if it happens in 6 weeks, you don't have to meet immediately. Think about what questions you would like to have answered. I think it would be good to be honest about your feelings (Use "I" messages - I feel resentment because you placed me, but kept my older brother and younger sister, can you explain your choice to me?) Or, spend the first conversations sharing your stories and she may tell you why without your asking. Try to breathe and relax a little.

What were your reasons for beginning the search?

[Dickons]

Wow and just wow,

Personally I would agree to contact but that is me and not you...

Could you send a note with your contact papers? Could you just say something to the effect like - I just decided to search about a month ago and thought I would have plenty of time to figure out my feelings during my search and now am in a quandry because there isn't a search to do?

I say this because:

a) it lets your mother know up front that you may not be ready to go into a full-blown reunion at this time and will save her from misunderstanding your actions,

b) your mother will know you are alive and well,

c) will allow you to go into the reunion at your pace with your cards on the table so you will not have guilt over not doing more,

d) you never know what the future holds for either of you in regards to mortality.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[inked_hippie]

thanks to everyone that has replied. I really appreciate knowing that there are people who have been through the same thing. It's nice to know I have someone to turn to, to talk about things like this. Just wanted to say that first.

My consent form should be showing up in the mail in the next few days. I'm going to fill it out right away and send it back to at least obtain the contact info. It's actually really exciting to know that in a few weeks, I'll at least know my birthmom's name!

I decided to start searching because I know she always wanted to find me after I turned 21. Even though I'm almost 26, I finally made the decision because I wanted some closure in that aspect of my life. I need my medical history, but I want to know about that empty hole in my life. I'm honestly very hopeful for a smooth reunion, since I already know she wants to be in contact. I'm not sure about meeting her right away but I do want to email/call to get to know her. I've always wanted to meet someone that looks like me.

I've had lengthy discussions with my AM about this whole situation and she's been VERY supportive. She always wanted me to contact my birthmom. She says she couldn't imagine the worry my birthmom must have, wondering if I'm ok and how my life has turned out. My AM is anxious but duh.

I'm sorry for the long response but it feels really good to finally talk to people who understand exactly where I'm coming from.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Congratulations! Do keep us updated.

[EES07]

Congratulations, that's awesome! I was through CC as well, and within a couple of days of sending my papers in, I was emailing with my birth family. It all happens so fast! Enjoy every moment of it!

[bakerjw]

That is all fantastic news to hear. I only wish that I was dealing with your CC office

But Great! Enjoy it and as others said there is no need to rush things. It always seems to go better when reuninions aren't rushed.

[snuffie]

Wow, super fast. Almost too much to process! Its good to read posts here on reunion and some books too to prepare but also realizing that everyone's reunion is totally different. You already know that your bmom wants this so that is a big weight lifted right there.

As to the whys - only your bmom can answer that. There could be so many reasons that you were placed for adoption. Just by her being anxious for a reunion could mean that she always had wanted things to be different. I have a very dear friend who has two children. She hired a babysitter for them when they were very young and she was a single mom. She came home to find them alone and that the sitter had left. And she decided right then and there that things needed to be different. One child went to live with her parents and the other was placed for adoption. Her parents could only care for one and he was a little bit older and easier to care for than a baby would have been. And her heart broke but she knew that her baby would have all of the things she couldn't give herself. Many years later, they are reunited and it is a happy ending. There may be many, many reasons for what your bmom did and there is no way to be sure until she tells you.

I agree that being up front with how overwhelmed you feel right now it a good idea. Reunions are stressful and it takes time to process each step.

Please keep us posted! And have a wonderful, happy reunion.

Snuffie

[inked_hippie]

Well I received the consent form and the questionnaire from CC. It's quite a lengthy survey they want me to fill out. I'm actually going to fill it out with my AM so she's completely involved in the process. I can include up to a two page letter when I return the survey and consent form (and $45 apparently). I have no idea what I want to say in my letter but I am allowed to include pictures. They say to keep it non-identifying (no emails or full names ) so I'm gonna have my AM help me with that too. Any suggestions as to how to start the letter or what information I should include? I think I'm definitely going to include a few pictures. Again, I really appreciate everyone's help with this. I don't know what I would have done without these forums.

[mn125]

Hi Inked. Just wanted to send good wishes your way from another Maryland adoptee.

When I had to write that letter to my Mother using nothing to identify, I found a great 'script' that I used to help me get the words together. ( I'm not sure of the rules here anymore if I can leave a link to another site or not) but- pm me and I'd be glad to share the links with you.

Has CC told you if your family is still in this area? Has CC given you info on any adoption support groups, for both you and your mom? I'd be glad to help with info.