[elle5]

I have been searching for years for him on the internet. My two daughters recently decided to join me in my search by posting on face book. Well it workde and my son contacted my daughters first and he was given my phone number. He made contact with me by phone last week. The conversation seemed to go very well after a conversation that lasted about 45 minutes. The letter I sent just said that it just didn't work with his father and I, I had other children, could not support all of them properly, had no help or support from my family, never stopped loving him and hoped we could be reunited one day. I also sent him every baby picture I had of him, because he was with me for 9 months before he was given up for adoption. He said that he read the letter and enjoyed the pictures. He said that it has been hard getting through the letter because he has been in a relationship with a girl who had a child he became very attached to. When they broke up it was very hard on him because of the love he developed for her child. He has since married a lovely woman and they have a new baby girl. During the conversation he told me that he had a wonderful life and wonderful parents. He said that he had not told them yet because he didn't want them to think that they had not been good parents. I told him that I understood how he felt. At the end of our conversation I ask him when he thought we might be able to meet in person? He said hopefully very soon.

With in three days of contact one of my daughters had made plans to meet with him in person. What I think bothers me the most is that neither of them even considered inviting me. They spent several days together this past week end and my daughter seemed to think it went very well. She said that he told her that he grew up as an only child and was very starved for siblings, but already had a mother and father.
She also said that she couldn't exactly remember what he said but, by what was said she felt he was in pain. He did mention to my daughter that he had gone ahead and told his adoptive parents that he has found his birth family and they had taken it better than he thought they would.

I am very happy for my other children to establish a relationship with their brother, but now where do I fit in? Every time he makes contact with his siblings, I am so very hurt because I am left out. What do I do next? I have emailed him several times since we spoke on the phone sending more pictures and family information. Should I call or write him again? Should I wait for him to contact me? I live out of state and would gladly fly in and get a hotel room for our reunion. I would love to meet his adoptive parents and thank them personally for the wonderful job of raising our son. I don't want to appear pushy, but just don't know what to do next. I have shed so many tears this past week.

Any advise would be so greatly appreciated.

Thank You!

[capemaymom]

My view as the adoptive Mom - it was difficult when the bio family moved in and acted as though we were babysitters. It has taken 3 years, and we are all getting along quite well. We spent Christmas together. Take your time. Don't expect to be Mom just yet. Try to act as a "favored aunt". If he feels like you are looking to replace a relationship, you will make him choose. There is room for all of you if you are patient.

[dpen6]

I beleive there is a thread around somewhere that talks about thisvery thing.

Sometimes it is easy for the person adopted to deal with siblings first. The onslought of feelings that can occur can be very difficult to process. I am sure he has no intention of hurting anyone in this situation. He is probably dealing with so many issues right now that he feels safest with your daughter. Let it progress as he feels comfortable and eventually he will open more to you. I know easier said then done...but try nhot to take it to personally, in fact both mothers should try to stand apart for a while for himeto get his feet wet...sort of speak...

Its not easy for anyone...but very much a need for some adoptees ...it just all takes time.

To the 2nd poster...usuall an adoptees need to search has nothing to do with the feelings towrds their adoptive parents...but a need within them.. The fact you feel like a babyssitter for a while is sad but I know I NEVER felt my aparents were babysitters but very much my partents. But the need to know about my biology was ever present, especially when I started having children.,. It really does not help the adoptee to make them feel they are doing something wrong for a position that they were put into.

[RavenSong]

Dear Elle,

First of all, let me welcome you to the forums! You'll meet a lot of great people here from all three sides of the adoption triad. I've made some really great friends here, and I'm sure you will too.

Speaking as a birth mother with more than 19 years in reunion, my advice is to let your son lead the way right now. Reunion, especially in the early years, takes a lot of patience on everybody's part. This is a time when a lot of reflection goes on, along with the surfacing of many unexpected emotions and memories. This is a time when we spend much time figuring out just where we fit into each other's lives.

A lot of people refer to reunion as a roller-coaster experience, especially in regard to emotions. Personally, I've never felt my own reunion and the subsequent relationship with my son to be a roller-coaster ride. Sure, it has had its share of up's and down's, but all in all, it's more like surfing the ocean's waves, IMHO. I don't know if you've ever surfed or bodysurfed...I'm a "beach kid" who grew up on the sands of Pacific Beach and La Jolla in San Diego, and I often use the analogy of surfing in how I approach life. One of the first things a surfer learns is how to constantly change the direction and course of her surfboard in response to the changes of the wave. It's difficult to do that when you first learn to surf...after a year or two, it becomes almost automatic...a sixth sense, an intuition.

What I found to be true in my own reunion was that I had to constantly adjust and re-adjust my actions (the surfboard) and my approach to my son's needs (the wave) at any given time. I had to develop a finely tuned sense of how to respond to him according to what he was going through during the time in question. If he needed some space to process everything that was going on between us, I learned to give it to him...I still do that even after 19 years in reunion. I can usually read his signals pretty well nowadays.

Right now, IMO, your son feels safe with his siblings. But his primal relationship is with you, and that can be a really scary thing. I think he needs a lot of time right now to process everything that's happening. He's also probably frightened that if he completely opens himself up to you right now that you'll leave him again. You have to remember that even though we placed our children for adoption in their own best interests, they still feel a strong sense of abandonment...even rejection. They were only infants at the time...babies who didn't know why they were no longer with their mothers. Even though you did what you thought was best for your son at the time, even if you felt pressured to relinquish your parental rights and responsibilities, what your son knows is that it is your signature on those surrender forms, not society's signature or your parents' signature...but your signature. In my own opinion, that's a heavy thing, something we have to own up to in reunion.

I know it must hurt terribly not to be the first one to meet him in person...that must be so painful. I was fortunate in that I was able to establish a face-to-face relationship with my son before he met other people from his birth family. I never was able to have more children, so I didn't have to go thru what you're going thru now. All I ask you is that you let him develop a relationship with your other children first, if that is what he wants...or what he needs.

Your time will come, I promise you that much...it will most likely come soon. Meanwhile, try to read up on how adoptees feel, what they think, what they hope for in reunion with their birth mothers. I don't think you'd be out of line if you tell him that you very much would like to meet him soon. Sometimes our relinquished children are afraid to ask us for anything, to tell us what they need from us. And sometimes it's hard for us as birth mothers to admit that we have our own needs and desires...so often we feel that we have no right to need or want anything. If you feel the time is right for you to meet face-to-face with your son, then I think you should just come out and tell him that.

Welcome to the journey. I hope you keep posting here. We may not have all the answers, but I promise you that we're all listening...

[bakerjw]

I am kind of known for being very protective of the reunion between an adoptee and their birth mother and get very irritated at the meddling of others. I don't care that people may mean well they need to know their place and butt out until things stabilize. It just adds too much more to the dynamics of the reunion roller coaster.

To be blunt, after reading your post I am PO'd at your daughters and they probably would like to hear my take on the matter. As soon as they found him they should slip off to the side because it is not about them in the least. For now, they are a very small component in this reunion.

I get the view so many times that siblings, while not carrying the emotional baggage that an adoptee or birth mother carries, have a much easier time developing a relationship with the long lost adoptee. Where the 2 main people involved in the reunion are starting a healing process that will deal with of a lot of underlying pain, I see siblings as sometimes treating it as a new novelty.

Sorry to rant, but I really really feel your pain. You and your son are absolutely 110% without a doubt hands down the most important people involved in the reunion and it should be about you two first and your daughters second.

Raven and Dpen are both givers of great advice and always there to lend an ear or kind word of encouragement.

I would let your daughters know how you feel about being left out and that it is not about them but you and your son. My adopted mom knew how to lay on a guilt trip which was pretty easy with my nature of always looking for acceptance and terrified of rejection. If your daughters ever need to a guilt trip, imho now is the time. Tell them that
You had a son that you loved.
You gave him up for a better life for him.
You've agonized and grieved the decision every day.
Now that you have a chance to have a relationship with him you are being overshadowed by the.

Just my advice.
Best wishes and I feel your pain.

[elle5]

It's nice to hear what it is like from the other side of the fence. I would have never thought of his adoptive parents as babysitters, but I can see how they might be made to feel that way. I in no way expect to try and take their place. Believe me with several other adult children and grandchildren I have a pretty full plate. I just want to fit in somewhere and right now my emotions are raging out of control. Thank You!

[elle5]

Dear depen6, RavenSong and bakerjw,

Thank you so very much. Your kind words of wisdom have been very comforting to me. I felt so happy when my son and I made contact, but my feels have change during this week of events. I know that my daughters actions were not intended to hurt me and believe it or not she suggested I find an internet support group for advise. It is good to make contact with people who understand exactly what I am going through and how I am hurting.

Thank You,

Elle5

[capemaymom]

It was not the birthmother that treated us as babysitters, it was her extended family, primarily her mother. Jenn never treated us as though we were simply waiting for her real family to show up. For Jenn, knowing that she has 2 half brothers was pretty cool, but in reality, they all interact more like cousins. It was the aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that were the real gift of it all. Again, because she was not "replacing someone" - but adding to her extended family. It did take a few years to work it all out. Being pushy or demanding will only serve to delay the relationship.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by elle5

I felt so happy when my son and I made contact, but my feels have change during this week of events. I know that my daughters actions were not intended to hurt me and believe it or not she suggested I find an internet support group for advise. It is good to make contact with people who understand exactly what I am going through and how I am hurting.

Elle - One of the things that helped me the most back when I reunited with my son was joining an adoption triad support group. I was able to listen, learn, and share with other birthmoms, amoms, and adoptees who were involved in search and reunion. Thinking back, I really do think it was my involvement with the support group that kept me sane back then. If you tell me via Private Message (PM) where you live, I'll be more than happy to see if I can find a support group for you in your locale.

I think the feelings and emotions you're experiencing right now are totally normal for the situation. You're probably also thinking back on memories you may not have thought of in years. I think the the up's and down's you're feeling is what most people mean when they refer to the "roller-coaster". It's all so new right now...it's going to take some time to process everything.

I think you're very wise to reach out to other people who have experienced what you are going through right now. You're not alone...and we care.

[dpen6]

Elle,

Keep us posted. I know its very hard.

[firstmom47]

Your daughters may be curious for themselves, but may not quite "get" what it means to you, personally. They probably don't even understand what there is to "get." They may not know either that they are keeping you for themselves. A lot of this is completely unconscious.
The birthson may not realize that YOU were searching for him. It's probably less emotional for him to interact with the siblings.
Also, anything on facebook is pretty public, all of their "friends" know everything!
You and he should have had private contact first, I feel.
My son pushed me to search, and I think he was shocked at how much I felt once we were successful.
So, are you also on facebook?! Friend the daughters, (not him) get your picture on there, let him figure it out for himself, and see what happens. Post "about" it on your facebook wall, but let him act for himself.
A lot depends on their ages, too.